Chapter 4
CHAPTER FOUR
After a long night of tossing and turning on the worst bed known to man, Blaze pulled his T-shirt over his head and padded to the kitchen to scrounge up a cup of coffee.
It wasn’t just the metal bars digging into his back that had caused a rough night. It was the woman sleeping two rooms away. For twenty years, she’d always been in the back of his mind, creeping into his thoughts when he’d least expect it, even though he’d accepted that part of his life was over. The picture in his wallet might have weaved a different story, but he’d been telling the truth about how there had been some superstition to his reason behind keeping it. He had a ritual before every mission and it hadn’t changed. While he knew in his heart of hearts it wasn’t the ritual that had kept him alive, or the image, he still had to do it.
The marriage counselor that he and Ashley went to actually understood that, but the therapist had been a military man who saw action. And he spoke to many men like Blaze who watched their brothers-in-arms die on the battlefield. However, no amount of discussing how Blaze believed that single image had brought him out of that mission alive, where half the men on his team had come home in body bags, was going to make Ashley believe keeping the picture was a healthy thing. In the end, the therapist wondered if Blaze could slowly find a new ritual.
So, Blaze lied and said he’d work on it.
Six months later he had his wife believing he was using a picture of his parents. The problem with that was it wasn’t a photograph of Ashley.
He found a mug and one of those pod things. He placed it in the machine and hit the start button. He could hear Pandora moving about in her room. He checked the time. Only eight in the morning.
Ding-dong.
He glanced over his shoulder, but the door to her bedroom didn’t open. He sighed and made his way through the small apartment and snagged his weapon. He peered through the peephole and stared at a man he didn’t know. It wasn’t Tim or Carl. And it wasn’t Sully because he’d gotten a picture of what that asshole looked like.
With his weapon at his side, he unlocked the door and opened it.
The man looked him up and down. “You’re Blaze.” He held up his hands. “That gun isn’t necessary.”
“You know who I am, but I’m at a disadvantage, because I don’t have a clue as to who you are.”
“I’m Greg.”
“Ah. The ex-husband.” Blaze waved Greg in, setting his weapon on the end table. “Sorry for the aggressive way I answered the door.”
“No worries. I’m just glad she’s not alone, but I didn’t expect to see you here, much less ever meet you.”
Blaze wasn’t sure what to make of this encounter. The only thing he knew of this man was that he had loved Pandora enough to marry her, but that it hadn’t lasted. However, Blaze didn’t really understand why. What she’d told him didn’t add up any more than his original story about the breakup of his marriage. There was more to that story, but he’d said enough. He’d shown Pandora the picture that he’d never let go of.
She’d been a ghost in his marriage whether he wanted to admit it or not.
“Jesus, that thing couldn’t have been comfortable to sleep on.” Greg pointed to the pullout.
“It was the pits.” Blaze laughed. “Do you want some coffee?”
“I’d love some,” Greg said. “Where’s Pandora?”
“I haven’t seen her yet this morning, but I think she’s in the shower.” Blaze lifted the freshly brewed coffee from the machine and handed it to Greg. “I assume the creamer’s in the fridge, but no idea where the sugar is.”
“I take it black.”
“Me too.” He found another mug, tossed out the old pod, and put in a new one. He tapped the button and leaned against the counter. “So, what brings you by this early?”
“A few things, but mostly, I didn’t want her to be alone today. I have no idea what you know about what’s going on?—”
“I know enough.” Blaze folded his arms across his chest. “And I don’t plan on letting her out of my sight.”
Just then, the bedroom door flung open and in strolled Pandora. She wore a pair of jean shorts, a black tank top, and her wet hair dipped just past her shoulders. “Greg, why on earth are you here?”
Greg pulled a folded piece of paper from his back pocket. “I brought you a revised schedule for the fire station. I made sure that our schedules match. I figured if we worked the same shifts, you’d never have to be alone.”
She squeezed Greg’s biceps.
A gesture that for some reason annoyed the fuck out of Blaze and it shouldn’t. That was her ex-husband. They had a bond. One that had nothing to do with him.
“First, our captain emailed those changes this morning and copied the entire crew, including you.” She lowered her chin. “Second, shouldn’t you be doing wedding planning shit with Bonnie?”
Greg rolled his eyes. “This is a second marriage for both of us. No idea why we have to have a wedding. It’s ridiculous.”
“Because you both eloped the first time.” She lifted the mug of coffee from the machine and sipped.
Blaze groaned, pulling down a third mug as he went through the whole coffee making process. Again.
“Besides, Bonnie doesn’t want some big extravagant thing. Just a simple wedding. In a church. With her family and friends. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.” Pandora leaned against the sink.
“Great. My ex-wife is taking my future wife’s side. Wonderful.” Greg waggled his finger between Pandora and Blaze. “So, how did the two of you get in touch after all these years?”
“I feel like I should take an ad in the paper,” Pandora said. “Blaze happens to be friends with Brock. We ran into each other yesterday. Totally out of the blue. I took him to lunch, where we ran into Tim and Carl, and I ended up telling him about Sully, so Blaze, in true Blaze of Glory fashion, took it upon himself to be my bodyguard.”
“Good. I’m glad, especially when you refuse to listen to reason and stay with someone.” Greg arched a brow. “Bonnie and I would have had no problem with you moving in for a while and we have plenty of room.”
“Right. Me shacking up with my ex and his future bride wouldn’t have been awkward,” she mumbled.
“Is it awkward having an ex on your pullout?” Greg arched a brow.
“Yes,” she said.
“I’m offended.” Blaze took the fresh mug and brought it to his lips. Damn, that was good. Lord knew he needed the caffeine.
“Well, since you really don’t need me and Bonnie does want me to go taste cakes and other treats with Finley this morning, I’ll be on my way.” He rinsed his mug out in the sink. “But, Pandora, please don’t hesitate to call if you need anything at all.” He took her by the shoulders. “I will always care about you and I was there when that… when… just call me.” He kissed her cheek. “You should give Blaze my number in case he can’t be by your side, or if he needs backup for any reason.”
“Thanks, Greg,” Pandora said. “Say hello to Bonnie.”
“Will do.” Greg stretched out his arm. “It was nice to meet you.”
“You as well.” Blaze stayed in the kitchen while Pandora walked her ex-husband to the door. A few faint words were exchanged, but Blaze couldn’t hear them.
She shuffled back into the kitchen.
“Greg seems like a stand-up guy.” Blaze blew into his coffee and took a healthy swig.
“He’s a good man. The best. I hurt him and I feel bad about that. I’m just glad we’ve managed to be friends and that he’s found someone who makes him happy, because he would have never been if he stayed with me.”
Blaze threaded his fingers through his hair, contemplating his next words. “I know you said your divorce wasn’t because of the rape. But I’m left wondering what really happened between the two of you because it’s obvious he still cares about you and I certainly wouldn’t kick him out of bed.”
That last little bit put a smile on her face.
Blaze was grateful his odd sense of humor could do that.
“If you’re asking if what happened to me affected me and my ability to let a man touch me, of course it did. But like I said, Greg is a good man. A patient, kind, and loving one. He was there for me. He even went to the therapist with me. I swear he would have waited years for me to be ready and that’s probably why I fell in love with him, but that’s not enough to sustain a marriage. A friendship, sure. But it’s not what builds a life together.”
“So, what you’re telling me is there was no spark. No passion.”
“Why do you want to know so badly?” She slammed her mug on the counter and glared, as if he’d just asked the worst question in the world.
“I spent ten years with a woman, and while I wanted to love her because she did have some amazing qualities and she made me laugh, she didn’t understand me. She didn’t get what drove me and certainly didn’t try to comprehend it. You had someone who got you and went above and beyond to make sure all your needs were met. I’m trying to understand why that would fail.”
“Do you really want the truth?”
“Of course I do.”
“After you and I broke up, I was a bit of a hot mess. But after my father died just a few short months later, my entire world went upside down.”
He inched closer and curled his fingers around her forearm.
“This isn’t easy for me to tell.” She shrugged it away and turned, walking toward the family room. She climbed up onto the pullout and hugged one of the pillows.
He opted for the small chair next to the sofa bed. “I’m listening.”
She fiddled with her wet hair and sighed. “My mother was lost without my dad. He controlled everything. He ruled our house with an iron fist. Whatever he said was what was expected. I had always believed my parents were on the same page because my mother was often just as bad as he was and in some ways worse. She was the one who took me clothes shopping and never let me buy what I wanted. Nothing too revealing. No bikinis.”
He chuckled. “You had some tiny ones when we met.”
“That’s because I bought them when I got to Myrtle Beach, along with all these skimpy outfits. I could be free for those two weeks. The fact that they even let me go was a fucking miracle.”
“You were an adult.”
“I was still in high school. I had just turned eighteen. But one of my friends’ parents lied to my folks, saying we were staying with their family, not in some musty old run-down hotel off the strip. They believed we were being chaperoned the entire time. I got in so much trouble when I got home and they learned otherwise,” she said.
“I’m not sure I understand how this has anything to do with your divorce.”
“I’m getting there, if you’d stop interrupting me.” She glared.
He raised his hands, showing his palms. If she needed a trip down memory lane, he’d give it to her.
“My mother didn’t know what to do with herself after my dad died. She had no clue about their finances, or even where their money was. I had to help her go through all the stuff in my dad’s office. During those next few months, my mom would constantly break down and cry. She started opening up to me about how utterly abusive my father had been.”
“Physically?”
Pandora nodded. “I never saw him hit her. He never put a bruise on her face, but she said he’d punch her in the gut when she’d ask him to lighten up with me. When she’d privately go to bat for me.” She swiped a tear from her cheek. “I had no idea. I also didn’t know that my parents got married because my mom had been pregnant with me. That she hadn’t necessarily wanted the marriage, or me.”
“Jesus, that’s a tough pill to swallow.”
“Tell me about it,” she said. “Once my mother shared that, things really changed. She told me it was time for her to take back her life, and that’s exactly what she did, without me in it. She apologized to me, as if that would make her selfishness for needing to be her own woman sting less. She sold the house, got an apartment in the heart of town, and started dating. A lot. She was a completely different person. She told me this was who she’d been when she met my father. She told me that when they first got married, he wasn’t this crazy man who expected her to be the good little wife, but slowly, he took away all her power, and she found herself trapped. Her life no longer her own. Anyway, now that she was single, and I was an adult, she felt as though she could finally have the life she deserved. I’m now merely an afterthought.”
“I’m sure your mother loves you,” Blaze said.
“I’m not saying she doesn’t. But she cares more about her current husband and their life than she does me.” Pandora hugged the pillow tighter. “When I was raped, I called her to tell her what happened. All I wanted was my mom. She was at some weird hippie retreat and couldn’t get away for three weeks. She told me she’d come after that.”
Blaze closed his eyes and counted to ten. He couldn’t imagine that. His parents were at his side every single time he needed them, and sometimes when he hadn’t wanted them, until the day they died. God, how he missed them. “What happened when she came to visit?”
“She didn’t.” Pandora chuckled. “She called when the retreat ended and asked if I still needed her because there was a road trip she was invited on and it was going to be epic. I told her to go. That I’d be fine.”
“I’m sorry.” He had no other words.
“She showed up four months later. She pampered me for three days. It was nice, but it was a little too late.”
“I’d say so.”
“Greg was so wonderful during that time. His love was unconditional and it was the first time I had felt that since—well, you. It was intoxicating. It was all-consuming. I couldn’t get enough of it. I wanted to drown in it. I gobbled it up like it was the best frosting on a birthday cake. Oddly, it also reminded me of when I was a kid. It was safe. Secure. It wasn’t like Greg was anything like my parents because he wasn’t. But Greg likes structure. We call him the color-coding king at the fire station because he is so fucking organized. But after our first anniversary, it started to feel like I had a noose around my neck.” She laughed, shaking her head. “He has this label machine and used it to make little labels for all the switches in the house so you know which switch controls which light. I mean, the house was big and it made sense. But it drove me bonkers and I wanted to rip those fuckers off the wall because it started to remind me of how controlling my father was, but again, Greg’s nothing like that man. I was just starting to realize I married him for all the wrong reasons.”
“You married him because he loved you the way you needed to be loved, only your love for him was because of that. Not because you loved the man,” Blaze said, rubbing his temples. Why he felt responsible for her failed marriage was beyond him. It wasn’t his fault. Honestly, it was no one’s fault except hers and Greg’s. And they came through it much easier than most divorced couples.
And he knew that from experience.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when your father died. I didn’t know.”
“You made it clear we were done. I didn’t feel as though it was my place to burden you with that.”
He stood and eased onto the uncomfortable mattress. He looped his arm around her shoulders. “I want you to know that a part of me will always regret not fighting for us.” He kissed her temple. “For months I thought about reaching out. I wrote you letters, begging for forgiveness, but then I’d toss them into the trash, not wanting to force you to choose between your family and me.”
“Because your family means the world to you.”
“They sure did.” His chest tightened. He’d failed his parents the day his brother died in his arms. But he couldn’t think about that right now. He’d deal with that after he helped Pandora. He could get her through this time until Sully was behind bars. Then he’d drown himself in some good tequila until the day came when he too would meet his maker.
He didn’t have a death wish. It wasn’t about physically dying anymore. But it sure as shit wasn’t about living because that died with Axel, and his brother’s widow and two children needed Axel more than they needed Blaze. But Blaze couldn’t bring his brother back.
“I was hurt when you didn’t show up the day we were planning on running away to get married. My parents and Axel were excited for us. I had more than a bruised ego. But I did try to put myself in your shoes. I didn’t want to put pressure on you and thought if I cut you loose, it would be for the best. I want to believe that was the right decision, for both of us. We can’t go back and change the past, but since we’re talking about it again, I feel the need to share that sometimes I wonder if letting you go the way I did wasn’t a coward move.”
She laughed. “We were both so young. You were twenty. I was nineteen. What the hell did we know. Besides, I can honestly say that outside of a few traumatic experiences, I’ve loved my life here in Fallport and I bet you can say the same for your life in the Marines.”
“I can,” he said.
“And since we’re being honest, I don’t know if I would have had the bandwidth to deal with you and my mother after my dad died. Trust me when I say that first year was hell.”
“Fair enough.
She reached out and palmed his cheek. “What happened to Axel?”
Every muscle in his body stiffened. He slipped from the bed. “I’m not ever going to speak of that, so please don’t ask me again.” He made a beeline for the kitchen and another cup of joe. He stood in front of the machine and tapped his fingers on the counter.
A warm hand touched the back of his neck.
“Talking about it might do you a world of good,” she whispered as her lips pressed against his shoulder.
A deep growl filled his throat. It took every ounce of resolve he had not to push her away. He didn’t want to hurt her, but if he was going to be able to stay, he had to make this clear. “Don’t.”
“Blaze—”
“I said stop it.” He shrugged her off and turned to face her. “This is one topic that isn’t up for discussion and I’d appreciate it if you never brought up his name again. I need to go get cleaned up. When I’m done, we can go out for breakfast, or I’ll cook. Whatever you like.” He stormed off toward her bedroom, toward the only shower in the house, leaving his coffee under the machine. He’d drink it later, after he cooled off.