Chapter 19
Chapter nineteen
Kai
Rolling my eyes, I look up at Vidar. “Did you write in my to-do list?”
“Why would I do such a thing?” he replies, somehow sounding satisfied while folded into my car.
“What’s this thing you drew?”
Vidar leans over, grunting when the gear shift digs into his leg. “A flower, like yours.”
“Mate, that ain’t a flower.” I laugh, throwing my notepad with my unicorn pencil into the backseat.
Vidar makes a dismissive noise while trying to find a comfortable position. Already the seat is pushed back as far as possible, but he’s hunched in it like a massive stone gargoyle.
“You need a new car,” he finally grunts. “Yours is falling apart.”
Gasping, I put my hands over the vents that I can’t turn on unless I want my Mini Cooper filling with smoke. “Don’t listen to him, baby.”
“You call this piece of shit ‘baby’?” Vidar twists to throw me a look, but ends up hitting his head on the roof.
“That’s what you get for being a dickhead, and her given name is ‘Angel’, thank you very much.” I make little soothing noises to my car while adjusting the rear view mirror held on with duct tape, and get to see the cars behind us stuck in the same deadlock traffic.
Vidar adjusts again, resulting in his knee colliding with the glove compartment, the little door flopping open like the tongue of a dead cartoon character.
“It would be faster to walk,” he complains.
“It really wouldn’t be.” I grin wickedly and stretch out my body like I’m on a beach somewhere, birds instead of horns. Sunshine instead of this miserable grey blanket overhead.
Vidar curls up tighter against the passenger side, leaning into the door as he scans me. “I’ve noticed something about you.”
“You seem to notice a lot about me.”
“You deserved to be noticed,” Vidar replies, voice low enough to make my stomach clench. Vidar then seems to rethink his statement when he adds, “By me.”
“You’re going to be a nightmare when I get a boyfriend,” I reply, dryly.
“A boyfriend?” Vidar shoots up, then mutters a curse when his crown meets the roof—again. “Why do you want a boyfriend?”
“Because you're straight and I’m gay,” I point out, hoping I sound teasing instead of hurting, and press on a button so Vidar’s window jitters down. Winter immediately rushes in to cloud my breath, but Vidar gets more space.
“Annoying,” Vidar grunts as he drapes his arm outside the window.
I run my fingers over the duct tape holding my seat together, focusing instead on the cold air biting my skin and the white BMW in front of us, anything to avoid the tangled mess of these feelings.
“I agree, bestie,” I chuckle at the whole cosmic fuck up of our situation. Either that or I’ll end up in the fetal position crying. “Now tell me what you noticed.”
“You’re a tattoo artist.”
“Yeah, my other hobby of being chased by blood mages doesn’t really pay the bills.”
Vidar ignores my sarcasm. “Why don’t you have any tattoos?”
My mouth goes dry, and I drum my fingers against the steering wheel instead of going for my braids.
He isn’t the first person to ask, and he won’t be the last. Normally, I’d make a joke or wave it off, then start asking questions until they forget they were ever interested.
But something about Vidar makes me want to pry open my chest and offer up pieces of myself I really shouldn’t reveal so easily.
But I’m stupid.
And maybe a bit infatuated. Which makes me stupider for wanting a straight man, soulmate or not.
“My scars.” I play with the peeling edge of the tape, my other hand squeezing the steering wheel. “I still remember the pain—the burning. I still get fucking nightmares. I love my art form, but I can’t do pain. Not again.”
Vidar’s large hand lies on my thigh and squeezes.
I shouldn’t soak in the comfort he offers like it’s always on tap for me.
Shouldn’t take it so greedily, shouldn’t let him rub gentle circles.
The list of things I shouldn’t do with Vidar is endless.
Yet I still breathe in the chilled air to fill my lungs with him; masculine and frozen—like falling into a glacial lake and… fuck.
The impact of falling this high should crush my bones, but with Vidar, all I feel is freedom.
“How did it happen?” he questions softly.
I fucking hate the little hope that flares to life between the empty spaces of my ribs; that Vidar will someday love me back when that just isn’t possible. He’s told me enough times.
“I’ve always loved drawing, and my birth parents encouraged it.
I don’t remember much about them, but that’s something that never leaves.
One day, I was sitting with them, drawing and then a small purple flame appeared on the paper.
In my memory, I’m not scared, because they aren’t.
In fact, their smiles couldn’t be wider, but they made me promise never to do it alone. ”
My teeth clench.
“I should’ve listened,” I whisper. This would be the point I’d be drawn back into a memory of fire, but Vidar’s steady hand keeps me in the present.
Swallowing, I continue.
“Every story when you're a little kid starts with ‘I should’ve been in bed’ and this one ain’t any different.
Instead of being tucked away, I was lying on the floor and drawing, wanting to see my purple flames again.
It’d taken ages to learn whatever magic I needed, I remember that.
Calling on the fire was like a puzzle, and once I solved it I could call it easier.
But… it got out of control so quickly, Vidar. ” My voice is weak, shaking.
“Kai, you don’t need to finish.”
I’m not sure if I want to tell him the rest of the shameful truth or never speak another word again.
But…I know Vidar would never judge me, even if a part of me wants to be judged.
I open my mouth to speak, and moments before I let a word slip out, a car horn blares behind us so loud I jump.
“That fucking bastard,” Vidar growls, grabbing hold of the door handle.
Before he can get out, I’m driving on. “Don’t get the bloody police called on us.”
Vidar’s gaze is so heavy I can feel it without even looking. “Are you okay?”
The memories are painful, but when I say, “It’s fine, Vidar,” I really mean it. “You don’t need to murder anyone just because they honked at me.”
“More like disembowel,” he bites out.
I laugh, shaking my head at the big vampire.
“Losing family is hard.”
I glance at him before turning my attention back to the road. “You’ve lost people?”
Vidar’s arm rests on the open window, his fingers drum out a steady rhythm against the door. “My parents, as everyone does. Friends. My wife.”
I nearly choke on a gasp. “You were married?”
“I died when I was 38, of course I was married,” he replies, like I’m ridiculous.
“What was she like?” Jealousy bubbles in my stomach like indigestion.
Vidar’s hand squeezes my leg. “A very sensible woman, something I always liked about her. She gave me four healthy boys—”
“YOU’RE A FATHER?!” This time I swerve, and Vidar curses as I correct our path.
“Kai! Fuck sakes, be careful!”
“I am!”
“Next time I’m driving,” he demands.
“Oh, piss off and tell me about your bloody kids.”
I hear him huff a breath that could be a laugh. “To answer the question you screeched at me—” I risk crashing to flip him off — “Yes, I’m a father. When I was made and as each of my sons came of age, I offered to turn them into vampires, too.”
“Whoa, whoa. Your kids are still around, and you made them into vampires?”
“Well, not me. To make another vampire, you must’ve been a vampire longer than the human has been alive. So my Maker turned them. And yes, they’re still alive.”
My gaze flicks to his, then back to the road. But I can’t read the expression on his face. “Why aren’t they a part of your vampire family? Is it because you didn’t make them?”
“No. Any vampire can join my family even if they aren’t my offspring,” he replies, voice stiff. “They decided to explore the world. I’m proud of them for it; they’ve grown into strong men.”
Slowly, I nod. Vidar isn’t hiding something from me, but I can tell there’s more to this story.
“And you still see them?”
“I did, often enough.” His voice takes on a quiet quality. “But not recently, not since my apathy. I didn’t want my boys to see their father like that. I lost so much of who I was, Kai, and bad enough my offspring had to witness my deterioration and humiliation. My sons didn’t need to, either.”
Vidar is a proud man and has been for well over a thousand years. So when I hear the sadness in his softly spoken words, all I want to do is pull over and cradle him in my arms, shoulder some of his burdens as he does with mine.
“I’ve only just left my apathetic state, and so much has changed,” he tells me, sounding far away.
I bite into my lip. I know what he’s referring to, it goes without saying. But of course I have to ask, “You mean, because of me?”
He shifts.
“I want you in my life, Kai. I want you happy and whole and perfect as you are.”
“But you also didn’t expect to suddenly meet your soulmate after a ten-year-long depression.”
His hand on my leg twitches. “I’m only just making up for how I treated my offspring, and the damage I did to my body.”
“What do you mean?” Despite the cold, my palms start to sweat with worry. “Are you okay, Vidar?”
“Shh, little prince. I’m fine. Don’t fret,” he reassures, massaging my thigh. “As old as I am, I don’t need to feed a lot. But because I went so long without blood, I now need to feed more regularly.”
“But you’re too busy looking after me?”
“Protecting you is time well spent."
I shake my head, but smile. “Go feed then, Vidar. I doubt Emma’s gonna pop up while I’m at work with the others. I’ll be safe.”
Vidar stays silent as we drive closer towards the tattoo studio.
“What’s the problem?” I finally ask, sensing that if I don’t, he’ll never say what he needs to.
“Kai, I…”
For the first time since placing his palm on my leg, Vidar’s hand stills. Then he exhales.
“I feed almost exclusively on women, because I like to have sex while I feed.”
It’s like a slap across the face, and I angrily brush his hand off my leg. “So go do that, not like I’m fucking stopping you.”
Vidar’s hand hovers above me for a moment before he drops the appendage in his lap.
“Is that really what you want, Kai?” he asks, sounding tired.
I can’t speak as we drive through the early morning streets. My thoughts and feelings chaos, the small flame of hope doused completely. I’m sad, disappointed, pissed off. But… Vidar is my friend, kinda. I wanted him in my life in any way that I could, and these are the consequences.
When we finally arrive at King's Tattoo Studio, I park and cut off the engine. The silence is so loud it might as well be a third passenger taking up all the fucking space.
“There are so many things I want, Vidar,” I tell him slowly, staring down at my knuckles. “But I want you to be healthy more than anything.”
Neither of us gets out, speaks, or even breathes. Every instinct in me is screaming to stop him from being with someone else. But I already said I’d be getting a boyfriend, it might’ve been a joke, but what’s a bigger joke than my life?
After sitting in the cold car long enough for my fingers to go numb, I get out, slam the door harder than necessary, and head into work.
Vidar follows behind.