Chapter 30 Kai
Chapter thirty
Kai
I’m trying my hardest not to stare at Vidar like a love-sick idiot.
Yet when his hands run over my brand new scar, I can’t help but melt deeper into his mattress.
“I should’ve protected you,” Vidar murmurs.
Reaching for him, our fingers entwine. “Emma’s fault, remember. Not yours. Or mine, I guess.”
“You guess?” Vidar brings our hands up to lay kisses across my knuckles. “How many times do I need to tell you you’ve done nothing wrong?”
“Depends on how many kisses I get out of it.”
Vidar hums as if he’s thinking about it.
I’m about to start complaining when he tilts forward to steal a kiss. A mischievous glint in his eyes I didn’t think he was even capable of. “I suppose I’ll just have to keep kissing you then.”
It shouldn’t be possible for me to laugh this easily, given my soulless status, yet I can’t seem to stop myself. “Sounds like a real burden for you.”
“Good thing I have big shoulders,” he says, low enough that I shiver all the way down to my toes.
Before I can ask if he’d like to put his lips to work somewhere else, Vidar wraps his arms around me, his face serious as he asks, “You’re keeping something from me, Kai.”
I’m about to tell him ‘no’. Push that I’m fine and I’m not terrified of losing myself. Wouldn’t it be so much easier to pretend the whole soulless thing never happened, and hide from the world in Vidar’s arms.
Pretend that the scar doesn’t throb. Or there isn’t a little shock of emptiness somewhere between my ribs. Like reaching for the last chip, only to find you’ve already eaten them all.
But Vidar opened up, and I was grateful he trusted me.
I take a deep breath and carefully hand over pieces of myself.
“I’m scared,” I whisper. “I’ve been scared since I came into this supernatural world, before that even, and now I’m down a soul.” I try to joke, but it lands flat from the way my voice trembles.
Vidar rubs between my shoulder blades.
“I want to know…” I swallow, “How does changing into a ghoul start?”
Vidar stiffens. “Don’t concern yourself with it, Kai. You’ll be fine.”
“I know you wanna protect me.” I duck my head under his chin, burying myself into his chest. “But I’ve gotta know what’s going to happen.”
“Annoying,” Vidar grunts.
“Because I won’t do exactly what you want?” I chuckle lightly.
“Yes,” he sighs. “But I wouldn’t have you any other way.”
“You'd better. So tell me what I should expect,” I say, with as much playful authority, even as dread has me clinging onto Vidar.
Just how bad will it be?
After a beat, Vidar begins speaking.
“For a while, you’ll feel normal. Maybe a little hungrier.
But that hunger will start to grow into a gnawing, insatiable pit that can never be filled.
But no matter how much you eat, you’ll lose weight.
The transformation can take weeks, sometimes…
less. All the while becoming frustrated, angry, stressed—” Vidar stops, then steels himself.
“You will not turn into a ghoul. That is not your fate. I am, and I will not allow anything else.”
“I feel so useless,” I admit, biting back tears. “How could I have been so damn stupid trusting Emma! I knew what she was capable of. The night we were taken was…”
My eyes dip.
“Jace goddamn deserved what he got, but…I watched Lucero smash his face to pulp, Vidar. In movies, it’s nothing—fun, even—but in real life?” I shiver. “Then Golden died. The sounds he made follow me. Like I’m being haunted by his screaming fucking ghost. Now this?”
“Now you have me.” Vidar’s words are like my own shield against the darkness. “We will get your soul back, Kai, and you’ll look away when I rip Emma to shreds.”
“I should see—”
“You’ve seen enough, my little prince. It’s okay.” Vidar cups my cheek, stroking away a tear I hadn’t noticed, drawing a line across my cheek. “It’s okay.”
I free the air trapped in my body and fill my lungs with Vidar. “I love you,” I say, just because I can and how true it is.
“I love you, too,” he replies, and I melt.
The door flings open. I let out a strangled cry as the wood bangs against the wall.
Vidar jumps up, ready to attack, only to relax as Summer barrels towards us in a wild flurry of her purple coat and blonde hair.
“Kai!” she shouts, distressed.
I shoot up just as Summer careens onto the bed. “Shit, Summer, are you okay?”
“You had the First Tome this whole time?!” she yells, grabbing hold of my forearms.
I wince, but don’t pull back. “I should’ve told you, I’m really sorry. Vidar was just worried—”
“Damnit, Kai! How long have we been friends, and you kept this from me? How stupid could you be!”
“Watch your mouth,” Vidar growls.
“I’m the mage here, not you!” Summer snaps at him, then turns back to me. “I could’ve actually helped. Now Emma has the spellbook and…” her eyes fill with great wobbling tears. “Your soul, Kai. Your soul!” Summer throws her arms around me and cries. “You idiot! You big idiot!”
I hug her back, guilt as thick as the smell of alcohol coming off her. “I know, I’m sorry.”
“Here’s what’s gonna happen, babe.” Summer rocks back up, mascara running down her cheeks and expression hard.
“Someone’s going to hand me a massive cup of coffee, because I’m still a little drunk from the girls' night I crashed, and then you’re going to tell me everything.
EVERYTHING. If you farted last week, I wanna know about it. Got it?”
And even with everything stacked against us, I can’t help but smile when I softly reply, “Got it.”