28. Alice
Chapter twenty-eight
Alice
T he taupe bedspread of a budget hotel for business travelers was without a doubt the blandest thing known to man. Dinner had been fine, and Wade was professional and kind without being creepy, but this boring bedroom would be Alice’s prison every night until she fixed the factory’s problem. If the line didn’t churn out the goods, the assemblers and packagers didn’t get their shifts. Smaller paychecks weren’t anyone’s idea of a great Christmas gift.
“Where did we get it wrong?”
The bedspread kept its silence. Her laptop and the stack of printouts on the little desk bolted to the floor didn’t hold any answers either, or at least none she’d been able to find. Her eyes ached from the effort.
Not quite nine, according to the room’s alarm clock. They’d be at the site by seven tomorrow morning; nothing she could review again now would help her solve the puzzle. Adam’s dig about the fuck-up being on her team’s end had gotten under her skin. But the design was sound, so something had gone wrong with installation.
Her fingers inched toward the folders anyway. She toyed with the cover, flipping it back and forth. Looking at the numbers was so much easier than looking at feelings.
“Which, hey, great job me for recognizing that I am…” She blew a breath at the ceiling. Bland, but not as bland as the comforter. Popcorny, like the house she grew up in. “Deflecting?”
What she would not do: Text Jay and ask if deflecting was the right therapy word he’d brought home to describe her current restlessness. “Avoidance?”
Nah, that was what she was doing with Henry, trying to stay off his radar while he dealt with his mom’s medical stuff. Because she didn’t want to get tangled up in medical stuff again? Because he’d be better off without the interruptions and her wound-up nerves?
“So am I like this for me or for you?” She walked heel-toe across the room, arms outstretched, a sobriety test though she hadn’t even had a glass of wine with dinner. The so game didn’t work with just one player, especially when that player didn’t want to answer her own questions. “Get it together, Allie-girl. Telling either of them that I bumped into Adam is a bad idea. I’m not in danger of running out on Henry and Jay.”
Burdening them with her weirded-out vibes would put more pressure on Henry to be trademark Perfect Dom and give Jay extra worries about abandonment. Bad idea with a capital B.
Her pajama pants swooshed around her ankles with every step. She’d had to dig them out of a tote in the back of the closet. Seven months since she’d worn pajamas regularly. She’d swiped one of Jay’s tees for a sleep shirt. Twisting the cozy cotton in her fists, she flopped back on the bed. The thing would be a bear to sleep on: too soft, making her sink into some obnoxious mattress topper, and missing two other pairs of arms and legs and beautiful faces and warm skin—
With a growl, she lunged for the bedside table and snatched up her phone. Tapping out a text message, she updated Henry. He could see it or not; he could decide if now was a good time. He might be sleeping. His mom certainly would be. They were an hour ahead now. “For fuck’s sake, just send already. He’s your husband. Remember how you nearly fucked up everything by not communicating last spring? Let’s not do that again.”
Out-loud Alice was right. Jay couldn’t save her from herself this time; she didn’t have any laundry to do tonight. The message sent.
I’m safe and snug in my hotel room. Missing you and Jay. Hope all is well in Maine. I love you, Henry. I’m here if you want to talk.
She couldn’t expect him to reply. He could be busy with any—three dots rippled at the bottom of the screen. Her mouth went dry.
More rippling. Maybe he was writing a book. Henry didn’t really do short.
The audio message icon blipped into the chat thread. Breath shaky, she touched the Play arrow.
Static resolved into a rainstorm. Henry’s voice flowed over the top.
I love you, my sweet girl. I apologize for our snappish exchange earlier; we are all of us encountering unexpected frustrations. I am greatly anticipating our reunion, whenever it comes. Mother has been doing well, and the agency will be pairing us with a day nurse in the next day or two. Once the situation here is stable, I will encourage Jay to join me, and we will hope to see you soon. I had a delightful call with him this evening—perhaps ask him about it if he hasn’t reached out to you yet. I’m stepping into the shower before bed and thinking of you both. If you need me, I remain a mere phone call away.
Not a rainstorm, a shower. Closing her eyes, she drew out the heat of the water. Cool tile against her back. The stretch in her leg as Henry hooked her knee over his elbow and pressed forward, teasing them both with the head of his cock. They would have those days again soon.
Fumbling with the phone, she pressed the microphone icon. I’m thinking of you, too. Sleep well, and dream of the three of us together again. I’m going to solve this work thing quick as I can so I can be in your arms for Christmas. I love you.
Send. Done. Hearing his voice was so much better than seeing the words. Their text string couldn’t capture the handwritten beauty of his letters to her, the shaded weight of the strokes of his pen or the rough grays of his pencil sketches. But his voice held so much of him, so much of her memories of him over the last year. Hopefully hearing hers would do the same for him in this moment when she was certain not to be interrupting, not to be waking him or his mother with her neediness.
Shifting chats, she texted Jay. Delightful call, huh? If that wasn’t Henry-code for phone sex, she’d eat her hat. And it was a knit hat for cold, snowy winters.
Hey stud, how was your day? Wanna talk?
Three dots immediately resolved into a YES YES YES gif. Video?
She nearly lost her pants scooting back on the bed. After bunching the pillows into a nest and yanking up her waistband, she responded. Yes! Call me!
He erupted onto the screen with tousled hair and bright eyes. The room behind him lay shadowed and dim, but the sparkles in his eyes—
“You have the Christmas tree lit up!”
“Hi to you, too.” He smirked at her, his mouth pouty and kissable. “How’d you know?”
“Deductive reasoning.” Cupping the phone wasn’t nearly the same as cradling his cheek. “You have stars in your eyes.”
“That could just be all the fantastic sex I’m having.” Winking at her, he thrust his hand through his hair and pushed it back. “Guy can get a lot done with one hand.”
She laughed before she could help herself, but she peered at every pixel, hunting for stress in his face, for tightness around his eyes and drooping sadness in his lips. Jay could lay on the charm and never let outsiders see the anxieties eating away at him. “Henry’s orders?”
“Oh! You gotta see my gift.” He bounded up, and the phone whirled with him, passing the tree and through the hall to the stairs. “I’m sorry I can’t show you yours; it’s still wrapped. But if it’s anything like mine, you’re gonna love it.”
“My gift?” Maybe Henry had gotten something delivered to the house before he’d known she wouldn’t be there.
“Scavenger hunt, remember?” The picture jumped from head to chest—a bare chest she’d give anything to be laying her head against tonight—as Jay climbed the stairs. “We both won a prize.”
Shit, yes, today’s calendar event. The morning felt like a lifetime ago. At least Jay had been able to tackle this one on his own. They still hadn’t managed to visit the holiday lights at the zoo. “I can’t wait to see your prize, stud.”
“Hang on.”
The phone flipped views, entering the playroom and beelining toward the chair she’d curled up in so often in her old studio apartment. Now it belonged to Henry again—hmm. And maybe her, too, if she wanted to claim it for a scene with Jay. Another thing to talk to Henry about, but not this week. A floor pillow rested in front, and the phone slowly lowered. A monogrammed set of collar and cuffs rested in a display box.
“Can you see it?” No one in the history of the world had ever sounded so enthused on Christmas morning.
Don’t cry. Jay can see you.
She tipped the phone down as if she’d bobbled it, and he exclaimed gleefully about the messenger service logo on her shirt.
Choking back the thick gonna-cry signals in her throat, she produced a barkish laugh. “Probably not winning you a bunch of new clients in a hotel room by myself a thousand miles from your delivery area. But you’re delivering me comfort. Does that count?”
“Are you okay? There’s a box here for you, too. It’s probably the same thing.”
Rattling came through the speaker; wood thunk ed as she glanced at the screen. He’d opened a drawer. A festive holiday bag filled the left side. The camera zoomed toward a tag with her name. Her gift wasn’t likely to be the same as his—she had those gorgeous brown bracers with the scrollwork. Henry didn’t need to get her new cuffs.
“See? I can’t see your face, Alice. Lift your phone, okay?”
“I’m here. I’m okay.” Not in danger of crying, at least. Phone raised, she smiled at Jay. “I’m just thinking…”
Fuck. Out-loud Alice sure was a chatty bitch. Couldn’t take it back now. Jay would ask—
“Thinking what?” He settled down with his back to the dresser, another thunk probably his butt bumping the drawer closed.
Curling her knees toward her chest, she rested her arms against them and held the phone in both hands. Jay had the deepest brown eyes, a care she could drown in. “I’m thinking about how much Henry puts into his planning. How he crafts every little detail, how we’re at the front of his mind all the time. And how much—” Her voice wavered, and she shook her head, locking it down. “How much he must hate missing these moments with us. Not being there when you discovered the gift, not being the one to put it on you.”
It would’ve been like missing their wedding. Her fingertips recalled every moment of placing the harness on Jay for the first time. Working the buckle, snugging their claim against his chest. Smoothing the straps. The shine in his eyes.
“He was. And he did. He will, I mean.” Jay dipped his face toward the camera, a forehead press across the miles. “You busy? I can tell you about my call with him. I didn’t open the gift until he was on video with me.”
The pressure in her chest eased. “I would love to hear about your call.”
She settled in for story time and let Jay’s joy wash over her. He’d gotten so much out of a brief interaction. And Henry could improvise like a champ. Their holiday season wasn’t going anything like how they’d planned, but they could find ways to make it work. A few steaks lying in the snow—or chicken on the kitchen floor—didn’t have to turn grins into grinches.
One little snafu— more than one, Allie-girl, and more than little— wouldn’t load them up until they were angry balloons ready to pop. Like Dad, lashing out in every direction. A queasy ripple sloshed in her stomach.
“—talk tomorrow about me going up to Maine, so I figure I’ll jump on the dreaded year-end paperwork in the morning.” Jay pinched his nose and flattened out his tongue. “Ugh, right? You look sympathy green around the gills.”
“Sounds like we both have a lot to get done tomorrow.” She pushed cheer into her voice. Jay was fine—better than fine. “But I know how strong and adaptable you are, stud, and I am certain you’re gonna nail this.”
“I’d rather be nailing you.” He scrunched his nose and laughed with her. “Nope, that’s not me. I’d rather be serving you however you want me to.”
“You kept me company tonight, and you shared about the gifts and your wonderful service to Henry. That’s all a service to me, Jay.” His puppy-wriggle reminded her that care went both ways—all ways, really. Omnidirectional. If she didn’t communicate her praise, he wouldn’t feel it from her. “I appreciate you, sweetheart.”
After four rounds of back-and-forth I love yous and last-minute mentions, she let the call wink out.
Jay was in much better shape than she was. For years she’d worried about becoming a doormat like Mom, letting people walk all over her. But already this year she’d smacked the shit out of Jay’s awful sister, and this weekend she’d nearly gotten into a shouting match with Henry in the living room, and today she’d gleefully envisioned slamming her boot into Adam’s nuts. Maybe she was more like Dad: the fiery grouch, spewing her frustration at everyone around her. Neither would make for a successful marriage. And she was short on better role models.
She rolled her neck toward the nightstand. Almost ten. She should be brushing her teeth and getting under the covers. Except Mom and Dad had joined Adam on the merry-go-round in her head.
Ollie would understand.
She hovered over the chat with her sister. I’m in Sioux Falls.
Squinching her eyes shut, she jabbed Send.
You had better be dressed.
The incoming video call notification co-opted the screen. She accepted.
“Fully dressed. Sister-approved engineering pajama pants and everything.” She slanted the phone to show Ollie her outfit. Ollie had gotten her the pants years ago. The cuffs were fraying.
“Uh-huh.” Ollie pointed a finger at the screen. “Are you going home? What’s going on? Are Henry and Jay with you? Am I gonna be an aunt?”
Oof. That hadn’t even been on her list, but sure, okay, logical conclusion. “Uh, maybe, a work trip, no, and I don’t know, someday, maybe?”
Eyes squinty, Ollie pursed her lips. “So you’re an hour away, but you’re not going home for Christmas?”
“God no. No. I don’t think so.” She shoved aside the probably not before she got mired in that conversation. “I ran into Adam. From college.”
That got a satisfying lift of eyebrows. “The guy who thought you would walk away a year from your degree to follow his ass?”
“That’s the one.” This was much less complicated than explaining to her husbands why she’d be spending the week side by side with her ex. At least it was only for work hours.
Ollie snorted. “What’s that loser doing now?” She hauled her listing body more upright against what looked like couch cushions. “Wait, why did you see him?”
“He’s the client. His company, I mean. Not his company, but the company he works for.” Inside-Alice had gotten out-loud Alice all frazzled. She heaved a sigh of some guy I haven’t seen in seven years is fucking with my life. Elephants at the zoo sighed more quietly. “I basically answer to him for as many days as it takes to track down and fix a thingamabob.”
“Ohh, the thingamabob.” Ollie nodded as they traded grins. Sisters didn’t inflict their own sphere of technobabble on each other. “I’m sorry, Allie. That would piss me right the hell off.”
“It’s not great, yeah.” Although the airport hadn’t been too bad. And she could avoid future awkward one-on-one meetings with Adam if Wade kept up the dad attitude. “But I think my boss is actually going to run interference.”
Ollie exaggerated a skeptical pullback from the phone. “A boss who doesn’t suck?”
“I know, right?” Messaging Ollie had been the right call. She just needed to talk through the Adam thing before bed, and she’d sleep like a log. “Must be a Christmas miracle.”
“You know…” Tugging the corner of her lip into her mouth, Ollie swayed back and forth. Sometimes she looked so much like old pictures of Mom. Same hair, same eyes, same heart-shaped face. “Mom would love to see you. At least think about it? That would be her Christmas miracle.”
Fuck. She should’ve just gone through the file again and turned on the hotel TV and zoned out like a normal person. This communication stuff was exhausting.
“Ollie…”
“No pressure, I swear. Just think about it. I talked to her last month to get those photos of you for Jay’s gift, and I just…” Her little sister shrugged, chewing her lip again. She used to make it bleed as a kid when shit hit the fan. Scared or anxious or whatever, and suddenly a trickle of blood would be running down her chin. “Seeing you in person would mean everything to her, Allie.”
“I’ll think about it.” But she pushed out of the nest of pillows and headed for the bathroom. “I need to brush my teeth. Tell me about what’s going on with you. We didn’t get to talk Sunday.”
Yesterday. Sunday was yesterday. Lunch with Jay’s brother had been yesterday. The whole last week had been jet-propelled.
As she got ready for bed, they chatted about things that were not Henry’s absence or Jay’s abandonment or Adam’s bullshit or Mom and Dad’s proximity. So mostly about Ollie. And when she finally slipped under the covers, Ollie tucked her in from two thousand miles away, give or take. “Goodnight, munchkin. I love you.”
She scooched the phone onto the nightstand and clicked off the light. Even with her eyes closed, her brain barreled ahead, a train hurtling cross-country in the middle of the night. Someday maybe the cargo cars wouldn’t all be labeled ways I’m fucking up with people I love. Henry spoke to his mom all the time. Visited her several times a year. Jay’s relationship with his mom had way too many asterisks beside it to be a good model. And never ever, not ever, did she want Ollie getting the call that something bad had happened at home. Alice was the big sister; that was her job. Her scattered phone calls over the years didn’t add up to seeing Mom in person. Ten years. More. She should at least try.
Except she couldn’t just drop everything here to visit Mom any more than she could’ve at home to be by Henry’s side while he supported his own mom. Her mother-in-law, for chrissake. If she’d taken days off last week for a family emergency, the bosses might not have even considered her for this trip. Then she wouldn’t be facing Adam’s bullshit or big life questions about what she owed her parents. Hindsight was a bitch. Wheels within wheels, all turning in ways to fuck her up, just like whatever had gone wrong at the factory and left dozens of guys like Dad idling at home, worrying their Christmas pay would be short. Work had to be top priority, because getting home to Henry and Jay would be contingent on fixing whatever her team had messed up, even if on paper the design was flawless. The wrongness wasn’t visible from a distance, but once she got up close and personal, she’d sort it out.