35. Chapter 27
Chapter 27
E lijah smiled at Jolie as he walked into the kitchen with his empty plate. "Lunch was good, thank you. I'm back to work."
Jolie put down her dishtowel and faced him. "Actually, I need your help, Elijah. Can you spare an hour? Samuel said it was okay."
"What for?"
"You'll see. Just let me grab my coat."
They both got wrapped up against the cold. Elijah was curious, but he didn't ask again. When they got outside, the December day was so overcast it felt like twilight, though it was only just going on one. The colored Christmas lights that outlined the barn and house were on and they shone merrily.
"Come along." Jolie linked her arm through his. "I want you to show me the woods where you make your remedies."
"Why?" Elijah asked, feeling a little bit of panic.
"Because I'm an herbalist too," Jolie said firmly. "And I'd like to see what plants you use for what. I don't reckon we'd use the same names for things, so it'd be simpler to just point them out."
Still Elijah hung back. "I'd better not. I got a lot of chores to do."
She gave him a look. "The animals are fine for the moment. Besides, I want to make something for Jon, and I could use your help finding what I need. I don't know these woods."
"Doesn't Jon have medicine from the doctors?"
"Plenty of that. But those pills do as much harm as good. Plants, on the other hand, have no side effects. They're much better for the body."
Elijah was surprised to hear her say such a thing. "I thought all English believed their big hospitals and expensive doctors were the best."
"Well, there are billions of us English , and we rarely agree on much of anything. As my grandmother used to say: if you put three people in a room, they'll have four opinions on what to have for dinner."
Elijah smiled. "Sounds about right. But, where I grew up, we didn't get a vote on dinner."
She laughed. "Oh my. Well, I think a lot of folks are coming around to the understanding that pills aren't the magic bullet they once believed. And I come from a long line of folks who did their own doctoring. As, I take it, did you."
Elijah didn't say anything. He figured Jolie already knew.
"Come on. Help me out." She tugged his arm again, and this time, he went along.
The woods adjacent to the farm didn't have the best plants. Jolie would have loved Dawdi's garden! And his drying room. Elijah wished he could show them to her. Still, they found some common plants, some fungi and bark that could be of use. Jolie admitted she'd brought dried herbs with her, and they managed, through descriptions of leaves and properties, to figure out each other's names for some of the most useful ones.
As they walked and talked, Elijah relaxed. It was real nice to talk to someone about such things. He'd only ever been able to talk to Dawdi about such like, and with Dawdi, it was more like getting a lecture. Jolie treated him like an equal. She was curious and open, and she wanted to hear about the things he knew, and that felt real nice. Talking to her made him realize how much he'd learned, how much he'd truly absorbed about plants and remedies, and that was a good feeling.
They'd been out for about an hour, and Elijah was thinking he needed to get back, when Jolie sat down on a flat tree stump. It happened to be the same tree stump Elijah had used to mix remedies, though he didn't tell her that.
"Sit with me, Elijah." She patted the stump next to her. "I'd like to hear about what you did for Jon when he fell. He said you took away his pain."
Elijah cringed inwardly. She wanted to hear about the deep braucherei. He didn't want to talk about it. But, at the same time, he did. If there was one person who might understand, it was Jolie. But she was so different from the women he'd known. He didn't know if he could trust her. He didn't know what she might tell Samuel. Or Eddie. Or Jon. He didn't know if she could possibly understand the power, not being Amish.
She waited, watching him with openness and curiosity. But he didn't say anything.
"Jon said you channeled the pain out of him and put it in a bucket of water." She nodded thoughtfully. "Water is a great conductor of energy. I've seen it used in some interesting ways, but I can't say I ever heard of that."
"It's gotta go somewhere," Elijah said.
"The pain? Yes. You definitely wouldn't want to hold on to that. Hmm." She regarded him kindly. "Did your grandfather teach you how to do that?"
Elijah reluctantly nodded and sat next to her on the stump. "Samuel doesn't like it when I do braucherei. It scares him."
"Many people are afraid of what they don't understand. They don't realize spirit is around us all the time. You don't think Samuel has spirit guides talking to him? How do you think he found this farm? Or Eddie? The only difference is Samuel is unaware of them. He doesn't hear it with his conscious mind. But, obviously, some part of him listens, or he wouldn't be where he is right now."
That was interesting. Elijah would have to think some on that. "I s'pose."
"Samuel might be less fearful if you just talk to him openly. Say what's in your heart."
"I don't know if that's so. Anyway, I'm not doin' braucherei anymore. I promised myself I wouldn't."
Jolie looked surprised. "Really? Why not?"
Elijah hesitated. But he wasn't talking about braucherei. He was talking about not doing braucherei, so that was all right. "You should never do braucherei if you aren't right with God. One hundred percent. ’Cause if you're not right with God, and keepin' every one of his commandments, doin' braucherei invites the devil inside. The power'll turn on you, and you'll be warped into a bad braucher. And I never wanna be that. Dawdi says it'd be better you were never born than to do that kind of evil, 'cause that's a stain on your soul, like blood on a cloth, and you can never make it clean."
The fear of that outcome put passion in his voice. He would rather die.
Jolie frowned. "A bad braucher? What do you mean?"
"You know, someone who uses braucherei for evil. Puts curses on people. Causes sickness and death. Withers crops. Causes pain instead of takes it. I don't wanna ever be like that!"
"I see." Jolie considered this for a moment, a frown between her brow. "So… you promised yourself you wouldn't do braucherei because you fear you're not right with God?"
Elijah felt shame burn inside him. He nodded. He'd made that choice the night he'd walked away from his life with Dawdi—that he'd rather have love than do braucherei. Even if he hadn't found love yet—or, rather, he'd found it, but Jon didn't return his love. And even if it might take him years to find someone who loved him back that way, he had the longing in his heart, and he wouldn't give up. He craved it, in his soul and in his flesh. Sometimes, he wanted Jon so badly, he thought he might die.
"I see. Well, it's true that everything good can be twisted for ill. There are people in my neck of the woods who'll make any spell for money. Even people who use evil to gain power. But, Elijah, no one can be twisted to do evil unless they want it, unless they purposefully set out to do ill. Nothing can just take you over. Not if you practice braucherei out of love and a sincere desire to help others, the way you helped Jon."
Elijah's chest grew tight. He wanted to believe that. But that was not what he'd been taught. He had to know more. And Jolie seemed to have no issue with Samuel and Eddie's relationship. He swallowed down a lump.
"Dawdi… he said I had a peculiar nature. One that would help me be a powerful braucher. But only if I rejected the flesh, forever. He said if I followed that nature into… into sin, my power would turn agin me, and I would become a bad braucher. I would do terrible things. So I had to choose one or the other."
She narrowed her eyes thoughtfully. "Tell me about this peculiar nature."
Elijah couldn't find the words.
"You mean you're like Samuel and Eddie?" Jolie suggested. "And Jon?"
Elijah's heart nearly stopped beating. Jon?
"Mmm." Jolie spoke slowly, as if working it out. "You have a sweet nature, Elijah. A lovely balance of masculine and feminine energy. That would make you more powerful as a braucher. Is that what your grandfather meant?"
Elijah gave a jerk of a nod. But… was she saying…. "Jon too?" He tried to sound like he was only curious, but the tremble in his voice betrayed him.
She smiled. "Oh yes. My nephew is special in many ways. That's just one of 'em."
"But Jon said… he had a girlfriend, Trish."
Jolie's face crumpled with sadness. "He told you about Trish? Lord, that was so awful! What a tragedy. She was a beautiful, gentle soul. Jon loved her completely. He was always a rescuer, and I guess Trish needed that. See, Trish was born male. She was transitioning."
Elijah had no idea what Jolie meant. He blinked in confusion.
Jolie patted his hand. "Bet you didn't have a lot of that among the Amish. Sometimes people are born one gender on the outside, but on the inside, they feel like the other gender, and it's hard to live like that. So they will use hormones and surgery to change their outsides to match the way they feel inside."
Now Elijah got it. He'd heard talk of such things happening among the English. The Amish considered it a great sin, a rejection of God's plan. Now, knowing Jon had dearly loved someone who was undergoing such a change, Elijah saw it in a new light. After all, wasn't he, Elijah, also someone whose inside desires did not match what society expected from someone born male? Him, and Samuel, and someone like Trish.
"Oh," he said.
"Before Trish, Jon only dated boys. Trish was special. In many ways. But let's get back to you. What exactly did your grandfather say about this peculiar nature of yours?"
Elijah rubbed his face. "He, um, he said I was given the spirit of both man and woman so I could understand both and treat both. That I'd be able to feel a woman's sorrow and trouble in a way he couldn't. He said God made me that way for that purpose, to use it to heal others as Christ would. And that I couldn't ever abuse it by—"
Elijah had rejected Dawdi's words. He'd ignored them easily enough when he'd lain with Jacob. But trying to say them out loud now, to a stranger, caused the words to dry up.
"I get the picture." Jolie's tone was hard. "Well, let me tell you what I believe. I believe that our souls took up these human bodies for a reason. We came here to experience all the things human life has to offer—and to help others, of course. Denying any part of your nature will only suppress your gifts. Sexual energy can be a powerful force. Do you need to have respect for it, and not use and abuse others? Of course. But God did not put a single soul on this Earth to be celibate. No sir, I don't believe that. Because that's denying your nature, and why even come down here to Earth in the first place, if you're just gonna ignore your human body? So I say good for you for not buying into that b.s. and having the courage to leave."
Elijah looked at her in astonishment. He had no idea what to say.
She nodded knowingly. "Of course you can absolutely be a healer and have a full life too. I'm an example of that!"
"But you're not…."
She snorted. "I'm a lot of things, and that's none of your business, son. But I'm no saint when it comes to the bedroom. And I have a dear friend who's queer as a Junebug, and he's the most gifted healer I know. So no, you don't have to choose, Elijah. You can be both. In fact, I'd say the more fully you live and enjoy your life, the more love you make and share with another person, the more fulsome your gifts will be."
She sounded so certain, so confident. He turned the idea around in his mind. It would be wonderful if it was true! But Dawdi's voice was so very deeply ingrained. He felt like he was being pulled by two powerful horses going in opposite directions.
"I don't know." He sighed.
She gave him a little one-armed hug. "It's okay, Elijah. It takes time to find your own path and release all the nonsense everyone else sticks on you. And you're so young yet. But will you tell me about how you pulled the pain from Jon? I studied Reiki with a master. It's never been so much my thing, but I've known some powerful energy workers in my day."
"The energy comes from God," Elijah said, a hint of hesitation in his voice because he still worried he didn't deserve to use such power.
"Yes, it does," Jolie agreed firmly. "But God is much bigger than you've been led to believe. Can you send healing energy as well as take away pain?"
"You mean like the layin' on of hands? Ja. Dawdi and I usually did it together 'cause there's more power with two. But sometimes, if there was more than one person hurt, like a whole family with the stomach flu or somethin', then we did it separate."
"I see." Jolie turned on the stump to face him. "Would you be willing to show me? I know I seem like a nosy parker and a pushy old broad, but I admit, I'm very curious about you and your gifts. I have the feeling you're very special. I'd like to help you if I can."
She seemed sincere. And the idea that she thought he was special lit a fire of delight in his heart. But he was also wary. Those four Amish brauchers had wanted to use him too.
"I won't do anythin' bad," he told her sternly.
Her face softened with pity. "Elijah, I swear on my life, I would never ask you to do anything harmful, or anything at all, that you had the least doubts about. You should only ever do what feels right and good and loving to you."
He checked her colors—all deep reds and gold with wisps of green. The green showed she was a healer too. He saw nothing dark in her. "What do you want me to do?"
She started to reach out her hand, then seemed to think better of it and dropped it. "Do you have any intuition about where I might have a physical ailment?"
It wasn't much of a test, especially since she'd started to hold out her hand. But he saw it there, darkness around the knuckles. "You have arthritis. The left hand is worse."
She smiled. "Yes. There's a knuckle I haven't been able to bend much in months. Do you think you could help that?"
It was too easy. He gave a shrug and reached for her hand. But he hesitated. He'd told himself he wasn't gonna practice braucherei. The thing with Jon was different. Jon had been in agony. It had been urgent. But there was no urgency here.
You don't have to choose, Elijah. You can be both.
Could he believe her? Anyway, this was a very small thing. And surely no harm could come from it. Maybe it was his pride that made him take her hand, the pride in him that wanted to show her what he could do.
He closed his eyes, shook his head to banish the unhelpful thoughts, and focused. Her hand was small in his, a hand wiry and strong and dry from much work, yet delicate. He felt a cold spot on his palm where he assumed the worst knuckle was. He gathered the light in his mind, God's light, coming down through the top of his head, the way Dawdi had taught him. He said the German prayers, silent, in his own head. He felt the light spark in his body, heat and charge, as if someone had lit the wick inside him. He focused it down his arm and into Jolie's hand.
She gave a little murmur, but he stayed focused. He felt the cold spots melt against his palm. He continued until her whole hand was hot and glowing in his mind.
He released her and settled back. She started to speak, but he ignored her, keeping his eyes closed, letting the energy disperse and sending thanks to God for the gift. As always, having been filled with that bliss was an emotional thing, and it took him a moment to compose himself.
When he opened his eyes, she was sitting next to him rubbing her hand, flexing the fingers, and studying it. "Elijah?"
"Ja?"
She took a shaky breath and shook her head. "I don't know what kinds of nonsense your family told you, but you have a tremendous gift. You are a healer. You were sent here to help others. Please tell me that you won't hide your light under a barrel. There's nothing bad about you, and there's nothing bad about this gift. I promise you that from the bottom of my heart."
Elijah felt like he might explode. From pleasure. From pain and doubt. Those two horses pulled on him again. "I… I want that to be true. More than anythin'."
"Oh my dear." Jolie stood, enfolded him in her arms, and hugged him close.