40. Chapter 32
Chapter 32
E lijah played it cool all Christmas day at the farmhouse, and Jon played it cool right back. Which was a good thing. He was starting to think maybe Elijah hadn't put much stock in the kiss. Maybe he'd figured it for a drunken one-off. Maybe that drawing didn't have the deep meaning Jon thought it did. It was just a sketch, after all.
Jon was relieved. Was he relieved?
After opening presents, everyone except Jon, who felt useless with his cast, helped cook a big meal in the kitchen. They ate Christmas dinner in the dining room—Brussels sprouts. mashed potatoes. a savory gravy. a cranberry fruit salad, the ever-present plate of relishes that Samuel said was an Amish thing, and a meatloaf made with Impossible ground-whatever. Aunt Jolie made a dish of Southern greens, which made Jon groan in pleasure.
Afterward, Jon said he was tired. It was true, but he'd also had his fill of company. Eddie drove him back across the driveway to his apartment. He slept and woke up as the sun was setting on Christmas Day. He'd just put the kettle on for tea when there was a rap at the door.
He was in his flannel pants and a loose T-shirt, but whoever it was could deal. "Yeah, c'mon."
It was Elijah. "Hey." He smiled and stepped inside. "Thought you might like some pie."
He had a large covered plate. Jon couldn't resist a peek. Generous slices of pumpkin, apple, and Jolie's Southern pecan took up the whole plate, along with whipped cream and a scoop of vanilla ice cream on the apple pie.
"Are you trying to kill me?" Jon scooped a bit of apple filling and melted ice cream on his finger and tasted it. "Mmm."
He realized Elijah was close. He stared into big brown eyes.
"Guess you'd better eat the ice cream, at least. Before it melts." His eyes, though, said something different. They dropped to Jon's mouth. And then, impulsively, Elijah leaned forward and kissed him.
How was it possible that his lips were even sweeter than the pie? And certainly a lot warmer. Elijah's tongue slid tentatively into Jon's mouth, and it was oh-so tempting. Heat flushed down Jon's body, but he pulled back. "Wait." His heart thudded. So much for Elijah not putting much stock in the kiss.
Elijah looked unsure. "Sorry. You probably wanna eat the pie."
Jon took the few steps to the fridge and put the plate inside. He clung to the closed fridge door for a moment, head bowed, wondering what in the world he was gonna say to defuse this situation. And fighting with himself for not wanting to defuse it at all. His body wanted Elijah, that was for damn sure.
"Jon?"
He turned and thudded his back against the fridge. "We need to talk about this. This isn't a good idea—you and me. It's not that I don't want to, but—"
"Why?" Elijah truly looked befuddled.
"Why? You're too young, and that's just for starters."
Elijah frowned. "I'm nineteen years old."
"I know."
Yes, Jon had asked Samuel, and he'd gone so far as to look up the age of consent in Pennsylvania on-line. He wasn't proud of it, but he had. It was 18. Which meant he wouldn't technically be breaking the law with Elijah—only his own moral code. "But you're nine years younger than me. And with your background, you're far less experienced and—"
"You have no idea the things I seen!" Elijah's eyes flashed, and a hint of anger shaded his voice. "Death. Birth. Accidents. Bad accidents. Pain. Book smarts ain't everything, Jon. And I've been with a man before. It's not like I'm an innocent. You wouldn't be takin' advantage."
"But—"
Elijah placed fists on his hips and glowered. "When I was thirteen, I was done with school and expected to work like an adult. That's what it's like where I come from. I'm not a kid, and haven't been treated like one for a long time. Not until I came here."
Jon had a sense Elijah had planned that speech. And it did give Jon pause. Was he putting his own cultural norms where they didn't belong? He recalled Elijah's ghost story about the cursed farmer's house, and about the way Elijah had remained so calm under pressure when he'd fallen off that ladder. Elijah probably had seen things that would turn Jon green. And it was also true that he'd always shown maturity in his work. He didn't act like a child or even a teenager.
Jon swallowed. "Okay. I hear you. But even so, we work together. Every day. If it goes wrong…"
"Stop thinkin'!" Elijah said passionately. "You can make excuses 'til the cows come home, but it don't mean a thing. This is what you need to listen to."
Elijah stepped closer and placed a hand on Jon's chest. And if Jon listened to that part, his foolish, battered heart, and especially lower down, the answer was immediate: he was all in. So he didn't push Elijah away when he leaned closer, and closer still, their gazes locked. And when Elijah closed the final gap and placed his mouth on Jon's, he kissed back.
It was good too. So, so good. Maybe it was the fact that it had been so long since he'd felt wanted. Maybe it was the way his dreams had primed him for Elijah. Maybe it was that he finally let his heart feel the attraction he'd resisted for months. Maybe it was Christmas. He wrapped his arms around Elijah and pulled him tight.
He fit so perfectly in Jon's arms. Smaller than him, but strong and firm, warm and alive, and so eager. Elijah trembled with emotion and clutched Jon's face as if to keep him there, his mouth hungry but gentle. Jon's closed eyes wanted to roll back in his head at the bliss of it. And it wasn't just physical. His heart was a tender, thudding bruise, and his mind spun away.
Elijah pressed against him. He was very hard. When he rubbed his member against Jon's, there was no place else this could go.
"Bed," Jon said, breaking the kiss.
Elijah helped him hobble down the hallway, kissing and touching the whole time.
Jon flopped onto the bed. His cast was down there somewhere, but it was the least interesting part of his body at the moment. He pushed down his flannel PJ bottoms and scooted back against the pillow. Elijah tore off his clothes like they were the last barrier between a dying man and water. He knelt on the bed.
"Wait." Jon held up an arm to stop Elijah from falling onto him. He needed a moment to look. In the light of the bedside lamp, Elijah's skin glowed pale as moonlight except for rosy nipples and a dark triangle at his groin. His shoulders and hips were narrow, his stomach flat, and his penis was quite generous for his size. He was uncircumcised. A pink head peeked from a peach-y, thick, and very hard, shaft. It made Jon's mouth water.
Elijah stared at him right back. The weight of his gaze on Jon's dick caused it to jump.
"You're perfect," Jon said.
"I'm small."
"Not where it matters." Jon grinned and leaned forward. He gave Elijah a stroke.
Elijah shuddered and tensed. His eyes went half-lidded. "I-I'm not used to doin' this in the light," he admitted. There was a vulnerability in his voice that both broke Jon's heart and warned him to slow down.
"C'mere."
Elijah lay down next to him, and they kissed. For all Elijah's brave words, he'd probably only ever experienced a few fumblings in the dark, and Jon wanted to make it good for him. They kissed and kissed. The feeling of pressing his naked skin to Elijah's was almost enough. It was warm and silky, oh so sexy, and Jon felt so much. His heart ached and wanted, and the world slowed, as if the angels were granting them this time-out-of-time connection.
It was Elijah who broke the kiss. "Can I use my mouth on you?" he asked, sounding shy but very much in favor of the idea.
"Have you done that before?" Jon tucked a lock of Elijah's hair behind his ear.
Elijah nodded. "That's what we did. Me 'n… Before."
Jon got it. "How about we both do it?"
Elijah smiled. "Okay. Can I go first?"
He started to move down, but Jon held his arm. "I mean, at the same time."
Elijah got a look of utter confusion that made Jon laugh. "How can we do that?"
"Damn, are you in for a treat. Turn around so your head goes that way and put your feet up here."
It took a moment, but Elijah managed the position. And when Jon grasped his hips and suckled on that rosy head, Elijah shuddered and drew Jon in.
It was twilight on the bayou, and it was the smell of green things growing at a monstrous pace in the summer rains. It was damp earth, and things that scuttled when you moved logs, and cinnamon candy apples eaten under fireworks on the 4th of July.
It also didn't last long. It was too exciting, too intense.
Jon swallowed down the taste of oysters and lay back. His balls tingled and his entire body felt too sensitive for touch. His heart raced so hard he feared it might explode.
Hell of a way to die, though.
Elijah swung back around and lay on his back next to Jon. There were inches between them, but his hand found Jon's.
"I was right," Elijah sighed.
"About?"
"I don't wanna live without this."
Jon squeezed his hand. "You shouldn't have to. It's part of life."
"One of the best parts," Elijah said happily.
"It is that."
As his blood cooled, his nipples and skin rose up with a chill, and Jon leaned forward, grabbed a blanket, and pulled it over them. Then he wished he hadn't. He didn't want Elijah to stay. Well. Not that he didn't want that, but he didn't want Elijah to get used to staying, to think that he should.
And suddenly, all the static Jon had put on hold out there by the fridge kicked back on, like a cursed electric generator.
He released Elijah's hand to scratch his nose and then moved it to his own stomach. Elijah turned on his side to face him. "You're thinkin' again."
"Yeah. My brain does that."
Elijah put a hand on Jon's chest. "It's okay, Jon. I swear."
"No, it's just…." He didn't know how to explain. He wanted Elijah. He did. He liked him, genuinely. And chemistry? There was no doubt about that. But at the same time, he felt like he'd just leaped into the ocean without a life jacket.
"Just?" Elijah prompted.
"We're from completely different worlds."
Elijah shrugged. "I guess a lot of couples come from different backgrounds. Look at Samuel and Eddie. They didn't grow up the same."
"I just… I don't think I'll ever understand you." Jon turned his head to study Elijah's face. His eyes were a fathomless black in this light. "You're a mystery to me."
Elijah frowned. "You can understand a man who wants to be a woman, but not an Amish who wants to be English?"
A spark of grief and anger shot through Jon's gut. "That's not— Did Jolie tell you about that? You shouldn't talk about things you don't understand."
"I'm sorry," Elijah said hurriedly. "I didn't mean to bring that up. I'm sorry."
Jon didn't say anything, getting his emotions under control. The mention of Trish had cut deep. It shouldn't. She'd been gone for over two years now. And a part of him knew Elijah had spoken defensively. But her name, the thought of her, opened old wounds.
What was he doing in bed with someone else? He'd told himself he would never love again.
Elijah rubbed Jon's arm. "It's just. You said I was a mystery. Are you afraid of me?"
"What? No. Your braucherei doesn't scare me."
"For true?"
The vulnerability in Elijah's voice made Jon look at him. His expression was stricken.
Jon gentled his voice. "I told you, E, I'm a swamp thing. I've got magic in my blood. I'm not afraid of you."
"Good," Elijah said firmly. "Because I'm a good person. At least, I wanna be. I work hard, and I want to help people. Jolie says I can help people with my… my gifts. And… I love you, Jon. Have for a good while now."
The words sent ice through Jon's heart. This is what he had feared. And the wound from Trish was so freshly opened too. It was too much. He hesitated, trying to think of what to say, his heart pounding.
I love you.
He could see it in Elijah's eyes. And he'd known this was a bad idea. Elijah fancied himself in love, and he'd be expecting rainbows and flowers and forever. And Jon didn't have that much hope left in him. Not after Trish.
Elijah sat up, frowning. "You don't have to say it back."
"I'm still pretty fucked up from what happened," Jon offered. It felt awful.
"I know. It's okay. I shouldn't have said it."
"No. You don't have to apologize, Elijah."
Elijah got up and pulled on his clothes. Jon watched him helplessly.
Elijah hesitated in the bedroom doorway. "It's too soon. I understand. But it will come, in time. You and me. I know it. I seen it."
Jon just nodded.
When he heard the outer door shut, Jon covered his face with his pillow. How could he be so drawn to Elijah and, at the same time, feel so guilty about it?