37. CHAPTER 37 #2
Through every impossible trial, Mom never wavered in her faith. If she was giving up on him, then there was no hope. “I'm handing Kira over to Ashantae, and I'm coming home to finish my job. That's final.”
“You mean you'll abandon her again.”
Understanding dropped into his gut like a physical weight.
His body coiled tighter and tighter. “Brock told you.” He clenched his jaw until it ached.
“You think I'll run off to the territories with her and be happy?” He laughed bitterly.
“I'm sorry to ruin your fantasy. I know you love her.
But there's no dream life waiting out there for me.
I don't want anything with her, and I have nothing to give her. I'm where I'm supposed to be.”
The steady stare ate into his chest. “Don't speak to me as if I'm the one being foolish.”
His nostrils flared.
“You have no idea how it feels to tell you to leave. You're my boy. I'd rather cut off my own limbs than say goodbye to you. But you need to go. Listen when a mother speaks the last truth she wants to utter.”
His shoulders fell. “Mom.”
“I won't hold you back, even if it kills me. I refuse to believe you're more effective fighting in the Phaedra's chains. I fell for that lie before, and for that I'll forever be sorry.”
Mom threw away a lifetime of planning, tossing out everything they worked for. And yet she treated him as if he were being stubborn or ridiculous. She was the one who changed course. “What have you and Kira been talking about to make you think like this?”
“It's you and Kira.” Mom's smile looked anything but soft.
“It's the way you fight for her. The way she fights the hurt in you.
It's the life flickering in your eyes when they've looked dead for too long.
Yes, it's Kira. Kira and her defiance in the sky.
But it's also seeing that I underestimated my son despite that I believed in him so deeply.
You're much more than the Phaedra will ever allow you to be here.”
The idealism Kira and his mom shared combined into a dream he wished could become real. “Walk me through this. We survive. We're on the run. What then? What's this unchained life you see for me?”
“I think it's more than we can imagine.”
The depth of those words knocked around in his chest, but it wasn't enough to distract him. “But say we imagine it a little. I excite the United by bringing what I know to them. Manage to stay alive for a while. Then I become one more rebel soldier fighting against the tide of the ocean.”
“Or you're the crack that breaks the dam. Seeing the son of the High General turn away awakens the hope in those believing they're destined to die here.”
“One dam breaking won't destroy this regime.
A High General undermining everything the Phaedra does—that's the most powerful thing I can do.” His voice lowered now, and he tried to sound gentle.
“You resigned yourself to watching me live this life, and it hurts too much now that you can imagine something else. I understand. Be happy watching Kira go free. Let that fill you up.”
Mom closed her eyes and lowered her head.
“Maybe I do want to see you happy so badly I'd sacrifice everything we worked for. But I believe. I feel it in here.” She covered her chest with her hand.
“One day, when the time is right, I hope you'll feel it too.
Don't assume something is hopeless when you haven't fought for it yet.”
He smiled. If only. “Trust me, if I could leave, I would. I can't let the Phaedra keep crushing people, though. I've spent my life killing for him, ripping away everything people have. Watching hope and life leave their eyes. I can't walk away. I won't stop until I ruin him.”
She held his stare. “I know you will.” Standing to meet him, she spoke softly. “It won't be a predictable path. Keep your heart and mind open.”
“Okay.” Zayne couldn't crush her hope, not when she sacrificed so much for him. “You're my strength. Never forget that.”
She pulled him into a hug. “You're my hope.”
“I'd be father if not for you.”
“Never. You underestimate yourself.” She wiped her face and pushed her hair back. “I'll talk to the Elder again.”
“Let me send the message for you. I've never seen the Phaedra like this. Stay home.”
“Alright. Be careful.”
“I will be.” Zayne started walking to meet Kira, but the floorboards creaked behind him.
“Zayne. Wait.”
He looked over his shoulder at his mom, catching serious eyes.
She spoke like Father when he issued orders. “Don't marry her.”
Cold shock washed over him.
“Stay here in Ciondo and fight the Phaedra if you must, but don't marry that girl.”
Where was this coming from? What was going on with his mom? “You love Mellie.”
“You don't.”
He shook his head, bewildered. “You encouraged us from the start.”
“I was wrong. I thought you were just scared to open up. You never loved her.”
Reaching behind himself, he grasped the door handle. “I'm not talking about this right now. There's too much going on.”
The entire conversation shook his world, the aftershocks rocking him on his way through the house to find Kira. He wanted to leave. What if she tried convincing him of something crazy too? Zayne couldn't handle fending off the optimism of both Kira and his mom. They made for a forceful duo.
Kira sat in the grass outside, staring up at the sky, the breeze tossing her fiery hair. Soon, she'd do this in the territories, truly free.
Zayne sat beside her, and she looked at him with the warmest smile.
“Hey,” she said.
“We're talking again.”
“Yeah.” A chuckle. “Sorry about the other night.”
“I'm sorry.”
“For what?”
“Everything, all the time.” Selecting his words carefully, he looked at the sky as well. “I found what I was looking for.”
He heard her breathing stall.
“There's a piece missing, but I'm working on it.” Ashantae helped him select the perfect United officer to target for a deal. He just needed to meet with him.
“When?”
“Soon.” He placed his hand on the ground and tapped a finger eight times, waited several seconds, then repeated the pattern. “I'm trying to speed that up.”
“Until then?”
“Taken care of.” Well, it would be. Zayne didn't want her to worry. He'd find a way to hold off the Phaedra's wrath while they searched for a route through the mountains.
“Thank you.” Green eyes met his, imploring. “It's safe?” she whispered too quietly to hear. He had to read her lips.
Zayne nodded and pushed to his feet. Kira followed, strolling with him through the yard, until they wound up under the cover of the woods. Green unfurled from the branches in freshly budding leaves.
“I won't forgive you if anything happens to you or Brock,” she said.
“You're a bit scary when you're mad. I wouldn't want that.”
“You're teasing me.”
“I don't tease.”
Her eyes lingered. “Or you don't think you do.”
“I mock,” he said, regretting the lightheartedness. “Whatever happens in the next eight days, keep the Phaedra happy. He's in a state.”
“Because of what I did.”
Zayne couldn't stop himself from smiling, seeing the Phaedra throwing the vase at his father again, watching Kira's words explode in the sky. “Yes.”
“Is it what you expected me to do with that drone?” Kira asked.
Zayne met her gaze because she didn't deserve the way he ignored her. Those eyes brimmed with defiance and kindness, and damn it, did that combination disarm him every time. “You're never what I expect.”
Her admiration from the night before danced against his skin.
The way she looked at him pried him open.
He did everything not to see it, but he could feel her burning.
Breathed in her desire instead of air. And how the fuck did he ignore that?
He waged his own war not to remember, not to look, not to think or feel.
Not to want. One glance from her—one bursting with the forbidden—cut through every defense and awakened him with a roar, even if the look lasted a fraction of an instant.
It was a problem.
For so many years, Zayne grew accustomed to the shifting in the shadows and the flashes of blood. To the nightmares that crept into the day. He learned to steel himself and ignore it until it passed.
The same happened to him right now, only instead of death and horror, he felt lips and heat. Saw Kira's mouth open while he whispered against her tongue. Heard her breathy gasp. Bits and pieces of a puzzle he refused to put together, just like the gray fingers and red puddles.
Only nothing like them at all.
Last night, her message in the sky plunged him into the past, and the feel of her overcame his hands—the generous slope of her hips curving to her back, falling and falling into an endless dip. Her silky hair running between his fingers. The smoothness of her cheek along his thumb.
“I thought you'd be mad,” she said with her little rasp.
Her insistent stare tugged on him until he looked back at her. “This is your world. You're the expert.”
Vulnerability shown with the emerald of her eyes. “No matter all the awful things that come of this?”
“There's never only one shot in war. Open fire, and it'll come from all directions. Stand strong.”
“Okay.” She wet her lips with her tongue, looking nervous. The texture of it sliding along his—
“Fuck.” Zayne turned back toward the house and started walking.
A few stunned seconds of silence passed before Kira called after him. “Zayne?”
He gritted his teeth. “I need to do something.”
“Now?”
A growl rolled from his chest. “Yes.”
The footsteps stopped. “What did I say?”
“Nothing.” The word erupted from him. “I have shit to do.”
When she didn't follow after him, he almost turned back for her to promise she did nothing wrong, but he couldn't allow the current ripping him toward her to gain anything on him. He needed to run. To flee for their lives.
Why did Mom attack his willpower with impossible hopes when he already fought so hard not to fall apart?