16 - Lucas
16
Lucas
I sat at my desk at work, ignoring the growing pile of unanswered emails, and stared at my cell phone.
My goddamn cell phone.
Why hadn’t Haley texted me?
I had done everything right since our night of naughty fun. I’d played it cool, giving Haley her space. I’d avoided seeming too needy. She should have reached out by now.
Yet she hadn’t.
I compulsively tapped on my phone just to make sure I hadn’t missed a text or phone call, which was ridiculous since I’d been watching it every day and night since we slept together.
Nothing.
The worst part about getting older was that you saw the past with perfect clarity. And when I thought back on my high school self, I hated what I saw. I was such a fuck-up back then, smoking weed all day and skipping class. I was happy to skip college and work part-time as a mechanic for the rest of my life. I had no ambition.
So much had changed since then, and I wanted Haley to see that. I wanted to prove to her that I was a new man, a fucking adult version of the boy she knew back then. Inviting her to get drinks two weeks ago was supposed to be a way to do that, but with the inclusion of Shay—and then Jordan—we never had a chance to talk, just the two of us.
Not that I regretted our foursome. That was one of the hottest nights of my life.
But I wished I could have shown Haley the man I had become over the past seven years.
I could have just texted her myself. Tell her about my career, my ambition, my goals in life. But I didn’t want to push too hard. Haley was always the one , the girl who had gotten away, and I didn’t want to come on too strong.
She had a kid now, too.
I’d been thinking about that a lot in the past week. My feelings on parenthood had been strong back in high school: I didn’t want children. I’d even told Haley that I wanted to get a vasectomy as soon as I was out of school. As I grew older, those feelings had softened a bit. The idea of children no longer terrified me, although I still wasn’t super gung-ho about it. I lacked that desire deep in my soul that pushed so many people to procreate.
But when I thought about Haley?
I pictured myself being a good father. And a devoted husband.
Haley had that effect on me: she made me want to be a better version of myself.
Why the hell hadn’t she texted me?
Deep down, I knew the truth with a dread that had grown every single day. Haley said that our foursome was a one-time thing. When we said goodbye at the end of that night, she told me it was good to catch-up. Her tone implied that we didn’t have any more catching up to do.
At first, I assumed she was being coy. But now it was clear she was serious.
I opened the first email in my inbox and stared at the words without actually reading them. Haley and I had so much chemistry. Seven years apart hadn’t changed that—we’d picked up right where we left off. It was like our bodies remembered each other from another life.
I’d been with other women in the years since high school, and I’d never had that connection with anyone else.
Only Haley.
Which is why I had moved back home in the first place.
I half-assed my work the rest of the day and then went home. Everything in my apartment reminded me of Haley. The couch where she had made out with Shay and me. The bed where the four of us had really gotten down to business. If I concentrated really hard, I still thought I could smell her scent in the air.
I laughed at myself. I was a mess. This girl had wrapped her fingers around my heart and kept squeezing without even knowing it.
I was in the middle of making dinner when there was a knock at the door. I felt a surge of excitement, hoping that it was Haley coming to see me, but when I threw open the door, it was Jordan who stood in the hallway.
“I wanted to knock first,” he said with a smirk. “In case you were in the middle of another threesome.”
Laughing, I hugged my best friend and then walked back to the kitchen to stir the pasta. “Nope, nothing that exciting tonight.”
“Too bad,” Jordan said. “But, uh, while we’re on the subject… I wanted to run something by you.”
I frowned at him. “What’s up?”
Jordan leaned against the fridge and crossed his arms over his shirt and tie. The gesture reminded me of the Jordan Mayfield I knew as a teenager when he was about to try to talk me into some elaborate prank to pull on our teacher.
“Haley,” he said. The name hung in the air for a heartbeat. “I kind of ran into her last week.”
I tried to cover up my surprise. “Oh?”
“I was coaching little league practice, and this little boy came running up and asked if he could play. Turns out, it was Haley’s son, Bran. Cute kid. Big for his age. She was showing a house across the street and he escaped or something.”
“Small world,” I said. Where was he going with this?
“Long story short, he’s joining my Coach Pitch team. And I’m giving him some private lessons. So, I’m going to be seeing a lot more of Haley.”
A small flare of jealousy sprouted in my chest. I quickly pushed it back down. Jordan and I had shared Haley in bed, yet I was getting jealous because of a little league team?
“Cool,” I said, turning back to my pasta. “Not sure why you’re telling me about it, though.”
I could sense Jordan staring at me. Waiting for me to say more, or gathering his own words.
Finally, he said, “Did you move back to Vancouver because of her?”
When I moved to Detroit, I’d tried my best to forget all about Haley. I had failed. Even though I was building a new life and career there, I could feel her tugging me, pulling me back west.
Of course I had moved back for her.
“Of course not,” I told Jordan. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Bro, it’s me,” Jordan said. “You can tell me anything. You know that, right?”
“I’ve moved on,” I said more harshly than I meant to.
Jordan sighed in frustration. “So you’re cool if I ask her out?”
I whipped my head around to face him. “You said this was about baseball practice.”
“Yeah, well, I’m thinking about more,” Jordan said. “I know you two have a history, but if you’ve moved on, then why not? Haley seems cool, and we’re all adults. Right?”
Damnit. I saw exactly what he was doing here. Calling my bluff. Trying to get me to admit the real reason I was back in Vancouver.
It would have been so easy to just tell him… except I still had barely admitted that truth to myself. Saying it out loud would make it that much more real .
“Go ahead,” I said.
That response shocked Jordan. He uncrossed his arms and let them hang at his side while he watched me. “Really?”
“Sure,” I said. “Go for it.”
Jordan waited for what felt like an eternity, then nodded. “All right, then. If you change your mind, just let me know. I’m serious, bro. You can tell me anything.”
“I know.”
After he was gone, I searched my feelings again. The pit of discomfort at the base of my stomach wasn’t jealousy—not in the traditional sense. It was something closer to FOMO: Fear Of Missing Out. The same feeling I got when my friends were all going to a concert and I had waited too long to buy a ticket.
Was I making a mistake? Was I letting the woman of my dreams get away?
It wasn’t too late. Jordan hadn’t asked her out yet. I could text her and tell her how I felt. Or, at the very least, see if she wanted to get a drink or something.
I stared at my cell phone on the kitchen counter. She was only a text message away, but it felt like a thousand miles were between us.
And then, like I had been visited by the Ghost of Girlfriend Past, the phone lit up with a text.
I almost knocked over the pot of pasta in my hurry to grab it.
Haley : Want to hear something funny?
Me : Always.
Haley : I ran into Jordan last week at the park. Well, technically my son ran into him. He was coaching little league.
Me : Hah! Small world. It wasn’t awkward or anything, was it?
Haley : Why? Because of the super-hot foursome all of us had?
I grinned like an idiot. She thought the other night was super hot.
Me : Yeah, that might make things awkward.
Haley : It kind of was, yeah. But you know Jordan. He’s easy to be around. I actually might sign my son up for little league. Jordan’s going to give him private lessons to help him catch up.
Me : That’s awesome. Jordan’s a great guy. He’s grown up a lot since high school.
Haley : I can tell!
I wanted to segue that into mentioning that I had grown up in the past seven years, but didn’t know how to phrase it. At least, not without sounding desperate for her attention.
The three little dots appeared on the screen, indicating that Haley was typing a message. My pasta was done, but I ignored it while staring at the screen. Waiting to see what she would say.
The dots disappeared, then came back, then disappeared again.
She never sent another message, and it felt like it was now too late for me to say anything.
I had missed another chance.