46 - Lucas
46
Lucas
It had been a roller coaster of a month.
Hooking up with Haley along with two of my best friends.
Seeing her more and more. Feeling my affection for the woman returning so strongly that I wondered if it had ever dimmed at all.
Hooking up with her by myself.
Then pouring my heart out to her, and seeing her return the feeling.
Discovering Bran was my son.
Freaking out about it a little bit.
Okay. Freaking out about it a lot .
Then pouring my heart out to Haley again , this time in front of an entire audience.
But it had all worked out in the end. Or at least, it was beginning to work out. We still had a lot to do, a lot to talk about.
Starting with introducing myself—and who I really was—to Bran.
My son.
As I drove back to Haley’s place, I felt a strange nervousness come over me. It was the same fluttering excitement that had swirled in my stomach driving to the open house. In both cases, I was about to reveal something to somebody, and I had no idea how they would react.
Yet somehow, I was more nervous about telling Bran. If he didn’t accept me, or if he hated me for never being there for him before now…
I shivered. It would crush me.
I felt my old instincts battling for control. They demanded I run, that I flee any possibility of rejection before I could get hurt.
But it was a muted voice, no longer influencing me the way it had when I was younger. Being vulnerable was okay. The best, most deeply-satisfying things in life required risk. And I knew the reward was worth putting myself out there.
If Bran accepted me.
I reached their house first, parking on the street and then walking up to the porch. Sara met me at the front door and demanded, “How did it go?”
I flashed her a thumbs-up.
Tears welled in her eyes, and she threw her arms around me. I hugged her back, despite the awkwardness of her belly between us.
When she pulled back, there was a ferocity in her eyes. “Don’t you dare fuck this up with her again.”
“I can’t promise I won’t fuck up,” I said. “But I can promise I’ll try my best.”
Sara nodded. “That’s all any of us can do.”
Haley’s minivan drove up, and she parked behind my car. When I turned back around, I gave a start.
Bran was standing there, looking up at me.
My son .
I’d seen him an hour ago, when I came by looking for Haley. But I didn’t know if I had a place in his life then. I hadn’t allowed my heart to open up.
But now that Haley had forgiven me?
My heart swelled with joy.
I was terrified, too. My entire life was going to change. Yet that joy shone through all of it, like a spotlight banishing the darkness.
“Did you use my speaker?” he asked. “Did it help whatever you were doing?”
“It did help,” I said, doing my best not to get all choked up. “I have a confession. I accidentally broke it. But I promise to get you a new one.”
“Oh,” he said, frowning. “Okay.”
He ran over to the kitchen table, where he had been coloring. Haley came through the door behind us, freezing in place when she saw that we were all together.
“Hi, Bran Bran,” she said. “Have you been good for Aunt Sara?”
“He’s been coloring all day,” she explained.
“I’m drawing cars!” Bran announced. “I think I want to be a car scientist when I grow up.”
I joined him at the table, laughing. “Car scientist?”
“Yes. A scientist that works on cars,” he explained, as if it should have been obvious to me.
“That sounds like a good job,” I agreed.
Haley cleared her throat and joined us. “Bran? Can you put your colored pencils down? I want to talk to you for a moment.”
Bran finished coloring the hood of the car he was drawing, then put the pencil down next to the others and looked at her.
My heart felt like it was trying to pound its way out of my chest.
“Do you remember what I told you about your father?” she asked gently.
Bran nodded. “You told me that he loves me, but has a really busy life and job.”
“That’s right.” Haley looked at me. “He had a really busy life, and moved to Detroit to learn how to be an engineer. But he came back to Vancouver two months ago. Bran… Lucas is your father.”
There it was. The words were out there. We couldn’t take them back.
Bran slowly turned his head to face me. I smiled.
“Is this why my middle name is Luke?” he asked me.
I gave a start. “Your middle name is Luke?”
“It is,” Haley said, taking my hand and squeezing it. “And yes, Bran Bran. Your middle name is Luke because your father is Lucas.”
My vision began to shimmer.
“You were in Detroit?” Bran asked me.
“I was really immature,” I admitted. “I wasn’t ready to be a dad. That’s why your mom didn’t tell me about you. But I’m all grown up now, and I’m ready to be a dad, so she told me.”
“That’s why you learned about cars? So you could be a good dad with a job and teach me about cars?” he asked.
“Something like that,” I said with a laugh.
Bran frowned with thought, then nodded. “Can I go back to coloring now?”
Haley glanced at me, then said, “In a minute. We just told you something very important, Bran. How does it make you feel?”
“Well,” Bran said, “I’m very angry.”
My heart felt like it had been dunked in ice water.
“Why are you angry?” Haley asked.
Bran glared at me. “Because you borrowed my speaker, then broke it.”
Laughter poured out of my throat, tinged with relief. “I’m really sorry. Will you forgive me if I buy you a replacement?”
“ And take us to play mini-golf again?” he insisted.
“You’ve got a deal. I want a rematch.”
“You’re going down.” He collected his piece of paper and a handful of pencils. “I’m going to draw in the living room. I don’t want Dad to see it until it’s finished.”
Dad .
“Okay,” Haley told him, and he went running off.
Somehow, I managed to keep it together until he was gone, but then I started sobbing.
“They’re tears of joy, I promise,” I said.
Haley wrapped her arms around me, and I felt her own tears dampening her cheek. “Me, too,” she sniffled. “Me, too.”
Now for the other part , I thought. What to do about Jordan and Shay.