Chapter 4
Chapter Four
August
“B ut why do they call it elephant toothpaste?” Kyler, my most inquisitive student asked, and I just smiled at him, loving this part of the lecture.
“That much you’re going to have to see.”
“I saw this on YouTube,” Brayleigh said from the back, and I put my finger above my lips though I didn’t touch them since I was still wearing gloves. “Let’s not spoil the surprise, shall we?”
“I promise I won’t. It’s fun.” She gave me a conspiratorial smile, and I nodded, then I looked over at my class.
“Okay, today we are going to talk about catalyst reactions and surface tension. Are you guys excited?”
Some of them cheered, others just looked bored. That was about par for the course when it came to high school chemistry.
I taught chemistry, as well as life sciences, and AP courses. I also did some extra tutoring on the side, as well as textbook manipulation and codes. Meaning I did a lot of fucking work for little pay, but I didn’t mind it.
Today we were going to have a little fun in the lab, rather than sitting in a course where they would look as if they had no idea what I was talking about, even though we had already read the material. Some people would go on to enjoy this in college and learn new things, others would just laugh it off, and promptly forget it ever happened.
However, if I could make a few kids laugh, and enjoy learning science for just an instant? That was worth it. That moment when they finally connected and understood what was going on around them? That was it.
I had already worked with the hydrogen peroxide, and the food coloring inside had swirled to an intriguing purple color that matched our school colors. I could have put drops along the inside of the rim of the bottle’s mouth so that way the foam in the end would create stripes, but I decided to go with this.
I added the dish soap, and then on the side, mixed yeast and warm water while explaining all about the reaction in front of me. Some people took notes, as it was going to be on the quiz the next day, and others looked bored.
However, when I poured the yeast mixture into the bottle, I stepped back, enjoying the reaction.
And not just from the chemistry in the bottle.
A large foamy mixture poured out of the bottle, continuing to pile up on the counter, with increasing force.
People gasped and cheered, while some scooted back in their chairs. This was a perfectly safe reaction, one I had done countless times, and I freaking reveled in it.
“So, let’s talk about what makes this foam appear,” I said with a laugh.
“So that’s why it’s elephant toothpaste? Because it’s big enough to brush an elephant’s tooth?”
“Perhaps,” I said with a grin, as we went into discussing hydrogen peroxide versus yeast as they broke down into water and oxygen. “Since oxygen is a gas, it wants to escape the liquid. But the dish soap that we added to the reaction traps those gas bubbles, forming a foam. And now you’re going to watch me clean this up because the janitors at the end of the day don’t like it.”
They laughed as we segued discussing how hydrogen peroxide turns into just oxygen and water.
“So that’s why hydrogen peroxide comes in the dark bottles? To keep it fresher longer?” Brayleigh asked, seemingly interested even though she had already watched this on YouTube.
I smiled brightly, loving the fact that she got it. That glow in her eyes? That’s what I wanted from my students. Yes, I wanted them to have a good time, and to learn, but the need to learn more? That desire to enrich your brain? That was why I was a teacher.
I had only gotten my master’s degree in chemistry and I hadn’t gone on for my PhD. While I had known that schools would have been able to give me stipends and pay for my degree because larger schools wanted those contracts from the government and other platforms, I hadn’t been able to take the time. I had needed to start my life, and frankly, working for industry, or even at a college level had never suited me.
I liked working for high school.
I liked the long hours and dealing with teenage angst. Because I liked providing the steppingstone for kids to realize that there was something beyond wanting to be what their parents thought they needed to be.
Yes, my course was required for the school, and they would also have to take the college equivalent if they wanted to be a doctor or a pharmacist or anything with a shiny label, but there were countless other things that they could do. And even if they didn’t go into chemistry or the sciences, maybe it could spark their creativity for the arts or something else.
That’s why STEM was no longer STEM, but STEAM. Because you needed the arts in order to appreciate and enhance the science behind the knowledge. And as I explained that to my students, a few rolled their eyes, but others smiled.
These were my junior levels, who would possibly take AP chemistry next year, and that also meant they were working on deciding their majors already, as well as looking at colleges, and taking their required tests.
It always surprised me that we as a society decided a fifteen-year-old or maybe even younger was the right age to decide what you wanted to be when you grew up. I had made that decision early because I enjoyed it.
But then again, I had thought I’d wanted to be an astronaut as well.
I hadn’t realized I wanted to be a teacher at this level until college, but I had wanted sciences. Just like Heath had gone into business, and I was pretty sure he hadn’t realized he wanted to own bars like he had in Oregon and now Colorado. Luca was a vet, and a damn child prodigy at the end. He had finished college before I had and was already in vet school by the time I was deciding what I wanted to do, even though he was younger.
But it didn’t bother me. I wasn’t jealous of him or how quickly he’d finished school. Luca had gone through his own aches and pains along the way, and so had I.
Of course, Heath had been through the worst of it. I ran my hand over my heart as I finished cleaning up at my desk and collected the papers I would need to grade all night so I could stay on top of things.
Heath was my twin. We were identical in looks, and sometimes in nature. I was mostly the growly asshole unless I was at work. Because being a growly asshole chemistry teacher meant that my kids weren’t going to like what they were doing. And it was a hard enough subject for some that me being that asshole would just hinder their progress.
So I had to fake it to make it.
But Heath? He was affable. He had always been that way, even when he had been a little kid, sick with the cancer rotting his body. My twin, the person I had literally shared a womb with had been sick, and I hadn’t been.
I had been perfectly fine, and I had watched my brother dwindle down to almost nothing, until he had gotten better.
And now he was far stronger than I was, with a lot more muscle, and a bigger beard. The guy just oozed health and vitality and was a great dad and husband to boot.
And I felt like the brother left behind, wondering why the hell I thought it would be a good idea to move out with all of them, and end up being next to my ex-wife.
I pinched the bridge of my nose as I made my way to the parking lot, annoyed with myself.
There was literally no reason for me to be wallowing in my own self-doubt and pity.
It had been years since I thought about my brother being sick, and the fact that I hadn’t, even though we had had the same genes. Such a weird thing to think, considering I had enough going on.
Like the fact that my ex-wife had slept at my house, and I hadn’t heard from her since.
How the hell was she divorced again?
Yes, she could be icy at times, a little brittle around the edges, but she had her reasons. I knew I was one of them, but I wasn’t going to fess up to that in the moment. However, I had never liked Jacob.
That asshole had consistently looked down on us. He’d only come to two functions at the Cassidys’, and while that made sense considering it was his wife’s ex-husband’s family, it was also his wife’s friendship circle.
But apparently, we Cassidys had never been enough for him.
Of course, the one time he had sneered down at my sister, let’s just say he was lucky he hadn’t walked away with a bloody nose.
It was only Paisley giving me a long look about my anger that had stopped me.
Because I knew Jacob had been a judgmental asshole about the fact that my sister had two husbands. She was in a committed relationship with two men who also loved each other, and it was a poly relationship that worked.
However, Jacob hadn’t seen that. But me punching out Jacob’s lights for protecting my sister would not have gone well with the rest of the family. Because then they would have thought I was just some jealous asshole when it came to Paisley.
And that couldn’t be further from the truth. I was not jealous when it came to her. She was just an acquaintance. Not even a friend. Because being a friend would mean that I would have to care about her more than I did.
And I didn’t.
Not even in the slightest.
I made my way to my SUV and looked up to see my girlfriend leaned against the back of it, looking down at her phone.
Dakota was beautiful. Dark chestnut hair she had pulled back into a soft braid for work. She had on those linen slacks things that billowed around her ankles, and a top with some form of crocheted books on it. She looked sweet, nice.
And way too fucking good for me.
She was just a good person. And I knew that I might one day fall in love with her, but I would never have that burning passion that had broken me before. And that was what I needed. Something calm, something nice.
Something trusting.
And someone who understood the fact that being a high school teacher was a lot of fucking work, but worth it.
She looked up at the sound of my approach and slid her phone into her bag.
“Hey,” she said, and there was something in the sound of her voice that worried me.
Her gaze searched mine, and I frowned at her, reaching forward to brush her hair back from her face, a single strand that had fallen from her braid. She didn’t lean into the touch like she usually did, instead she just studied my face, beseeching.
“How was your workday?” I asked, delaying what felt like the inevitable. That should have warned me something had changed beyond this moment, but instead I stood there. Waiting.
“It was long. I’m testing today. I have papers to grade. So I guess I’ll make this short.”
Dread curled in my stomach, but not in the way that it should.
I didn’t love Dakota. But I liked her. We were still new at this. Maybe I could love her. I had only loved one person in my life, and I didn’t know how that had happened. How I had fallen. A part of me had been finally ready to maybe figure it out. Or at least be better at pretending.
“That was her, right?”
I blinked, confused at the question. “What?” In the next instant though, I realized who she had to be talking about. The only woman I’d been near Dakota with. The woman I’d driven away with even if it had been Dakota’s idea.
Dakota swallowed hard, and I watched as her throat worked. “The woman that broke your heart. That was Paisley the other night at the club.” She let out a soft sigh, her gaze suddenly so serious I felt the ache in my bones. “You never told me her name. But I saw your face.”
I shook my head, annoyed that I had been so transparent. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lied. “We don’t have time for this. We have to get through that assessment coming up.” I was pulling at strings, and no one was left to pick up the threads. I wouldn’t have blamed her for pushing me away physically at this point.
Dakota shook her head. “No, you never have time.” She let out her breath, but I didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure there was anything to say at all. “I can see I was fighting an uphill battle from the start.”
I frowned at that, honestly confused. “What are you talking about? What does she have to do with any of this? What does she have to do with us ? I’d told you I’d been married before. But that was in the past. She’s just a family friend, Dakota.”
“She is the person you should talk to. And by the way, mentioning you were married but still apparently hanging out with your ex-wife without being clear means you either don’t have respect for her or you have none for me.”
“Whoa.” My eyes widened, honestly shocked. “I never meant for her to be a problem.” I winced. “Okay, poor choice of words. What I meant was if you were ever in a setting where she would have been there, I would have prepared you. But she’s not my ex-wife in those circumstances. She’s my sisters-in-law’s friend. They met her outside of whatever past I might have had with her. I didn’t even know she lived here until I found out she was Devney’s boss.”
And wasn’t that a shock.
“It’s hard to believe you right now, August.”
I held back a curse. “I promise it’s the truth. She’s not…I’m not…she’s in my past, Dakota.”
I reached for her, but she stepped back. “No. I think we’re done. Because I know you’re not going to be the right guy for me. Not when I can see that I’m clearly not the right person for you. And that’s okay. This was nice. We both said we were going to make this casual, so it didn’t interfere with work. So it’s fine. But I saw the way that you looked at her. And even if that never works out, I can’t be second best. You deserve more than that, and so do I. So we’re going to be friends like we said. And I’m just going to leave now.”
“Dakota…” I began. However, I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say. She was right. I didn’t love her. I thought maybe I could try, but the only reason we had started dating as coworkers was because we had been friends first, and I figured when it all went to hell, because it inevitably did, as it did now, we would be able to remain friends.
But I didn’t see hurt in her eyes, just resignation.
As if she had been expecting this.
Maybe I hadn’t been as good about hiding my asshole self as I had thought.
She turned on her heel then and left, walking back to her car. It was still daylight out, though the sun was setting, but I watched her drive away, making sure she was safe. That was the least I could do.
Thankfully there was nobody else heading to their cars right now, nobody to witness that, so I got into my car and headed home, a sigh escaping me.
I pulled into my garage and brought my bag inside, knowing I needed to work.
I had finally moved on, and my fucking ex had ruined it again. Maybe that wasn’t fair to Paisley. Maybe it was my own fault. Or maybe I just needed to get better about being over the first woman that I had loved.
The only woman that I had loved.
What kind of complete asshole was I?
I set my things on the counter, then went to the dryer, remembering I hadn’t taken care of the laundry that morning since I had been running late.
I pulled out the thankfully dry sheets and went to the guest room. The guest room where Paisley had slept, leaving her scent all over the sheets. I had immediately stripped the bed once she had left, not needing her scent to remain there, but I was notoriously terrible at finishing the laundry, so it had taken me two cycles to get them clean. And now I made the bed, erasing her completely from this house. Too bad I couldn’t erase her from my life. Because she would always be there.
I didn’t know how she was going to handle dealing with the fallout of that divorce, or what my family thought about it because the girls had to know by now. The divorce would be public anyway, because her ex was that big of a deal, at least in these circles, but I shouldn’t care.
I should care about the fact that Dakota had just dumped me because she had seen my expression when I had looked at Paisley. Though I didn’t even know what that expression was. I didn’t love Paisley anymore. We hadn’t worked out, the divorce was long over, and she had been married and divorced since. I just hadn’t wanted her to get physically hurt. Not out alone and drunk. Because it was a stupid choice on her part, but it would have been selfish of me to have left her on her own in the state she was in.
But then I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say or do in the moment.
Because Dakota had seen it, even though I hadn’t.
And now I was dealing with those consequences.
I finished making the bed, and then pulled out a beer, figuring I could just heat up leftovers for dinner. I sat down at my desk, sipped at my beer, and looked at my bag filled with papers I needed to grade.
I had work to do, a life to live, and I would apparently be doing it alone.
Which was better than the alternative. I’d been pretending to live a life that made sense. As if I could walk through life in my orderly way and not grow attachments to anything real. Again, pretending. And I had gotten far too good at it recently.
However, a small part of me reminded myself this was exactly what I had asked for. What I had wanted.
I had been the one to leave after all.
So I didn’t have a leg to stand on, even if it created my own situation, and I ended up being alone surrounded by others.
At least it was something I was good at. I had plenty of practice, after all.