Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
Paisley
I set out the last plate and hoped my house was as childproof as possible. The girls didn’t bring Hayleigh and Keelie over often, mostly because it was easier for me to just go over to their places since I didn’t have a children’s room with all the toys and cribs, but I had slowly begun to add things so that way the girls and whatever future children my friends had would be comfortable at my place. I had a travel crib, and a few toys and learning enrichment activities. It wasn’t much, and it wasn’t enough, but I was doing my best to add more. I wanted my friends and their children to be comfortable here, because markedly, I was going to be the cool aunt. I wanted to be that cool aunt. The one that those little girls could come to if they needed help in which they couldn’t ask their parents for. Not that I thought that that would ever be the case when it came to my friend group. It wasn’t like our parents’ were. There was that disconnect and feeling of hurt and near-hatred.
I just wanted to be somebody that people trusted to come to if they needed something.
Which was highly hypocritical of me considering I hadn’t told my best friends about the divorce, nor the fact that I had slept with August. Not once. But twice.
It wasn’t like August and I were talking about it. Even though he had come to the office to talk, we hadn’t. Instead we had fallen together again, and now were acting like nothing had happened.
Except it had, and we needed to discuss it. In depth, and annoyingly so. Only I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say.
Because I loved him. I wanted him. And I knew I couldn’t have him.
Because he hadn’t wanted me all those years ago, so I needed to take care of myself.
Only I didn’t think that was really what was going to happen.
The doorbell rang, and I was saved from my own wandering thoughts. I smoothed out my shirt, and snorted at myself considering that these were my best friends who would see me at my worst. It didn’t matter what I was wearing.
When I opened the door, Hayleigh and Keelie ran toward me, arms outstretched.
“My babies!” I called out, as I fell to my knees, and held them close. They started rambling at what felt like a thousand words a minute, and I rained kisses all over their faces, and tickled their tummies, and fell in love with my honorary nieces all over again.
“You two are growing so fast. Are you all ready for college?”
“Don’t joke about things like that, I’m not ready.” Addison winked as she said it, walking in past us with Devney on her heels. They held bags of food and drinks, even though I had enough for everyone. But that’s what we did. We took care of each other.
This was a good reminder of that.
As the girls’ voices filled the room, I closed the door behind them, standing up so I could hold both of their hands. We walked into the living room, and I answered their questions, yes, I loved their outfits, no I hadn’t seen a unicorn that day but I was going to keep a lookout, and yes, I did have my tiara in the shop, but I would show them soon.
Considering I had been on the pageant circuit when I was younger thanks to my overbearing mother, I had tiaras for them to look at. I had a couple that I would wait until they were a little bit older so that they could play with.
I couldn’t quite believe I had kept them all, but it had been a part of my life, and I couldn’t throw things away. Hence why I still had that memory box of me and August’s things.
I pushed him from my mind for just a moment because I needed to focus on the here and now. And let my friends know what was happening. Just not with the little girls around.
“We come bearing gifts,” Devney said, as she leaned forward and kissed my cheek. “And cheese.”
“You and your cheese addiction,” I said.
“What? I like cheese.”
“And I like cured meats. It’s like we’re a match made in heaven.”
“Well, don’t worry, I have crackers, and a bunch of dried fruit and dips and nuts to make our own boards.”
“This sounds fun to me,” Addison said. Then she studied my face. “Are you going to talk about what’s been bothering you?”
I nodded, knowing they needed to know everything. About Jacob, my mother, and August. I was probably going need a lot of wine for today.
“Yes. But maybe without little ears,” I whispered, as the girls played in the living room behind us, both laughing and looking carefree.
Addison’s eyes widened, and I realized she had been expecting me to turn away from the problem. After all, that’s what I was good at. I was going to do better.
I had to do better.
“Okay, this sounds like it was a good idea that I brought the sparkling wine,” Devney said, her voice oddly cheerful. “I’m going to stick that in the fridge, so it’s ready for us after lunch and before N-A-P time, and then we’re good to go.”
“What happens when they learn to spell?” I asked, honestly curious.
“Then we whisper and make up other words,” Addison said with a shrug. “Honestly, I just do what the baby books say, and then wing it. Luca’s better at this than me most of the time.”
“Heath too. It’s a little disconcerting how good he is at it.”
“They’re great dads. You’re lucky.”
“Considering what they grew up with? Honestly, I’m surprised at what great parents they are.”
“I guess it goes to show you it’s not who raised you, but who you’ve become on your own.”
At least I hoped that was true as well. I’d thought I’d be a mom by now, looking forward to the next phases of my life as I figured out the trials and tribulations of motherhood and happiness.
My father had been decent. At least in some aspects. But he was long gone, and I had been left with my mother. The woman who had pushed me into becoming a beauty queen, not even for a scholarship, just so she could lord it over everyone else that I was Miss Little Portland, or Miss Strawberry Fields. Then I had to be the best at spelling bee. I had to win not just my school, not just the district, but I had to win the state. And when I had gotten second place, it was the first time my mother had truly hit me. And then I kept going. I had run track, done swim team. I had been the cheerleader, and the prom queen. But I had only made prom queen my senior year; my junior year I hadn’t even made the court. And so my mother had punished me for that. I had been forced to have the perfect boyfriends in high school, the ones with the chiseled jaws even though we were teenagers, and the ones with the most connections with their parents. I hadn’t even realized she had been setting me up on those so-called play dates when I had been in middle school, not realizing that she was trying to plan my entire life.
So my defiance had been August.
A boy who had made me smile in college and I had fallen in love with. The man I had married and thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I knew I was going to take over my own world and soar in my business because I had no other option. And not just because my mother had wanted it that way. But because I was damn good at it. And I had loved August’s mind. He was brilliant, an amazing scientist, and he had known he had wanted to go into teaching. He had wanted to make sure that he emulated teachers who had helped him thrive.
And knowing how he had grown up, how his parents had such a tumultuous relationship with him and had taken away his base, it only made sense that he would’ve wanted something steady.
And I was all in with that. It didn’t matter that he didn’t want to pursue research or academia with all the highlights and accomplishments that could come from that. I didn’t care that sometimes he had to teach driver’s ed in order to pay the bills because teachers were never paid enough in this country. In my mind, I could make enough for both of us, so that way we could both do what we wanted. And I hadn’t thought August cared about that. I just thought he loved me for me.
But he had walked away, and now somehow, he was back. Because what, we couldn’t stand to be away from each other? Because he wanted my body but not my heart or my future?
I shook my head at myself even as I listened halfheartedly to Addison and Devney talk about the upcoming wedding.
It was odd to think that so much had changed and yet nothing had changed. I was sitting in a room with my two best friends and their children, and I was alone.
And yet I had this secret. I still had the slight bruises on my body from August, but they were the bruises that came from need and desire and want. They were consensual.
And I hadn’t told anyone about them. I hated secrets.
“They’re planning this big elaborate thing, and I cannot believe it. It’s their third wedding,” Devney mumbled, as she poured a glass of wine.
The children were now tucked in the guest room, old enough for my guest bed and cuddled together for their nap.
They had looked so cute when we had tucked them in, and now it was adult time with our own conversations where we didn’t have to spell out certain things.
“So they’re really going through with it? They’re marrying each other again?” I asked, still aghast.
“Yep. Apparently third time’s the charm.”
I winced at that. “Well, I can’t really say much about that because if I ever get married again, which as far as I’m concerned is a big no, it will be my third time.”
Addison paled, before she reached out and gripped my hand. “I did not mean it like that. I meant third time with each other. You have a very different set of circumstances.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know if it feels that different. Considering it’s a lot of the same players.”
“No. We’re going to get into everything about you in a second, but those two?” Devney shook her head. “Their version of love is not something that I ever want in our lives. They do it for the drama, and the flair. And they’re forcing their kids to be part of this because somehow, they convinced them that this was going to work. If it was up to me, I would walk away and never look back.”
My eyes widened at her harsh statement. Devney was the sweetest among us. She had a huge family, with multiple siblings that were all either getting married, were already married, or along the way. Her blended family was loud, chaotic, and ridiculously happy.
Even with the torment in their past, they were happy.
And Devney was the selfless one. There was caring and understanding. And yet, she’d held firm against Heath’s parents.
“So you’re all going to this.”
“Yes, because Heath and his siblings have all stated that this will be the last one. That they are done placating them.”
“And Luca’s right along with them. They’re going to go, watch it happen, and then hope for the best. Because we’re going to protect our kids no matter what.”
“You guys are good parents.”
“We’re trying. Now, tell us what’s wrong,” Addison whispered.
I swallowed hard, then reached for my wine glass.
“I’ve slept with August. Twice.”
I hadn’t meant to blurt it out just then. I had been wanting to lead up to it, to find a common ground and perhaps eloquently state it. But no, of course I hadn’t.
Devney and Addison looked at each other and then at me.
“You mean besides the time at the resort?” Devney asked.
Addison nodded. “What she said.”
I choked on my wine before setting it down quickly so I could take a napkin and wipe the splatter down my shirt.
“Are you serious right now? You knew this whole time?”
“Of course we knew you slept with him. You couldn’t have hidden it. We thought maybe it was just a one-night thing because of proximity? Are there feelings? We just don’t know these things. But oh my God. Paisley. Twice?”
Devney sounded aghast, and frankly I felt the same way too.
“Yes, twice.”
I explained about the resort, and how it had just accidentally happened after we had been fighting, and both girls fanned themselves even as I rolled my eyes.
“You don’t think this is weird? Considering that he’s your brother-in-law, and literally your husband’s twin,” I pointed at Devney.
“Well, they’re identical, so I can tell you that you probably had a good time,” she said, before she blushed hard and gulped her wine.
Addison threw her head back and laughed, and I just lifted my glass in a toast.
“Well, there is that. Because my God. That man. He was like that. Even when we were younger, but I think he just got better. Which makes me think he had practice, and then I want to throw up.”
“Well, practice helps, because you had practice.” Addison winced. “I’m not saying the right thing now.”
“No, it’s fine. We had lives. We moved on. And then Jacob showed up at my office.”
Addison leaned forward. “What? Wait. Whoa. Back up. Your ex showed up?”
I let out a breath. “After my mother left and you left, Jacob showed up.”
“It all happened that day!” Devney exclaimed.
“Yep. It was an eventful day. And I sort of broke my computer.”
Both girls looked at each other, then at me.
“Go into detail. Very, very explicit detail,” Addison blurted, and I laughed.
“Jacob showed up and got growly because he wants me to sign non-disclosure papers. It doesn’t matter because most of it wouldn’t even be legally binding anyway. But he got rude, and then well he sort of cornered me.”
“That asshole. I’m going to kill him.”
I shook my head at Addison’s words, even though Devney stood up, ready to punch out a man who wasn’t even in the room.
“It’s fine. Because then August showed up, and I think he might’ve broken Jacob’s nose.”
“I love that man,” Addison said, as she stood up, and lifted her fists into the air. “See? The Cassidy brothers will drive you insane, but they are good men.”
“Well, and then I had to threaten Jacob because he was probably going to sue August, and it was a whole thing. I got Jacob out of the office, and that left me and August alone.”
“And? Go into detail,” Devney urged.
My lips twitched. This felt so normal, and something that we had been neglecting for far too long.
“And then he said he wanted to talk, and we didn’t talk. Instead we had sex, a lot of sex. Dirty sex. All over my desk.”
“Oh my God. And we just showed up in your office the next day, when there was like sex all over the furniture?” Addison asked, before she downed the rest of her wine.
“Well, we cleaned it. As much as possible. But my computer broke. And it’s a whole thing. However, we didn’t talk. So God forbid we know what’s going on.”
“I don’t even want to go into what a label could be with this, but you didn’t talk at all?”
“No. He divorced me. He’s the one who walked away all those years ago. And then he puts his hand on the back of my neck and tells me to kiss him or to be a good girl, and then I can’t help myself.”
I put my hand over my mouth, as both women hooted in laughter before quieting down so they wouldn’t wake the children.
“I didn’t mean to get that much into detail.”
“Oh no, please do,” Addison said with a grin.
“Either way, I feel like I’m lost here. He didn’t love me enough to stay, and now we can’t even be adults and talk about what we’re feeling. We just keep falling into each other, and we’re in each other’s orbits because I’m friends with you guys, and I don’t know, it’s complicated.”
“What do you want to happen?” Devney asked.
I shook my head. “That’s the problem. I don’t know. Because I think I love him. I think I’ve always loved him. And I married another man even though I loved August. What kind of person does that make me?”
“A person that needs to talk with August,” Addison said softly, and I sighed, knowing they were right.
So I sank back into my chair as we turned to water and changed the subject.
Because I wasn’t going to get any answers today, not without talking to the man in question.
Only I was truly afraid of the answers.
If he even deigned to give me one.