Chapter Sixteen
Niki was used to being stared at, but this felt different from the formal affairs he attended.
More personal. He tried to maintain his composure as he took in the elegant drawing room and the Ashtons gathered there, but he couldn’t seem to slip that mask back on as easily as usual.
His hands were clammy, and his breath was tight in his chest, as if he was losing control.
Was it because there were children in the room? And a baby!
Such a lapse in protocol would never have occurred in Holtswig under his father’s rule.
Nor his grandfather’s, who refused to allow the younger members of the family to mingle with the older.
Because he was the heir, Niki had been the exception, but he had always been instructed to stand silently and observe and listen.
His early years had been spent with tutors or in the nursery, alone.
There were visits from those children his father deemed suitable companions, but Niki had never felt close to any of them.
And then there was Ernest. As the youngest son, he was allowed a great deal of leeway.
Perhaps it was because his mother had been at the Holtswig court too, a lady-in-waiting to Niki’s mother, and held some prestige, whereas Karl’s mother had been a housemaid.
It seemed there was a hierarchy to be observed even in illegitimacy.
He took a step away from the door and searched rather desperately about him for Roberta.
He realized then that she was down on the floor, building some sort of construction of blocks with a small boy and girl.
Hearing his arrival, she looked up with the beginnings of a smile, only to still when she recognized his panic.
He couldn’t hide from her what he was feeling, and that shocked him too.
He was always able to hide his emotions.
Rising quickly to her feet, she came to greet him. “I know it’s a lot,” she whispered as she took his hands in hers and gave them a squeeze. “Once you say hello to everyone, we can go for a walk.”
The warmth of her hand in his, the kindness in her eyes…She understood, and it calmed him. Some of his anxiety melted away. “I am not a social animal,” he said bluntly. “I was never taught the art of chitchat.”
“You’re just not used to us. We’re not that terrifying,” she responded quietly. “Come on, let’s get it over with.”
She slipped her hand into the crook of his elbow and led him toward the tea table. It was groaning with food as well as a teapot and cups. One of the children had returned a half-eaten piece of cake to the plate, and Niki swallowed uneasily.
He wanted to say that this would never happen at home in Holtswig but stopped himself. He did not want to sound like a prig; he did not want to spoil this moment for Roberta. He told himself that if this was his home, this his family, then he might grow used to the informality. Maybe.
The current duchess, Vivienne, had picked the little boy up and was holding him on her lap. She smiled a friendly greeting at him. “Will you try some of cook’s queen cakes? And her seed cake is very good. Or there are jellies and cream, if you have a sweet tooth.”
Niki nodded, and before he knew it, he was holding a plate loaded with food. Roberta found him a place next to Ernest and Edwina, and he was able to relax a little. His brother shot him a wicked grin.
“You will get fat, Niki,” he said. And then, as if his words had jogged his memory, “My pony is very fat.”
“That is because you never ride him,” Niki retorted, relaxing even more. Banter with Ernest was familiar—he could do this.
“I’m not like you. I don’t like riding. I prefer to climb trees. There are a great many trees around the castle in Holtswig,” he added for the benefit of the others, and received smiles for his trouble.
“Have you climbed all of the trees?” Edwina asked, wide-eyed.
“I think I probably have,” Ernest replied thoughtfully.
“And fallen out of quite a few of them,” Niki added, taking a bite of the seed cake. It was delicious, just as he’d been promised.
Ernest was pretending to be wounded. “I only fall if the wind is making the tree sway. And I have never been hurt. Karl says I bounce.”
That had everyone laughing, some covering their mouths as if they were not sure they should be laughing, and others not bothering to pretend.
It felt as if whatever had been constraining Niki was gone.
It was all right after all. Soon normal, relaxed conversation filled the room, and Niki was grateful he was no longer the center of attention.
Ernest leaned in closer. “Did that help?” he asked. “You don’t look quite so green about the gills as you did.”
Niki tried to give him a repressive stare, but he couldn’t quite manage it.
“It’s quite all right, you know,” Ernest went on in a serious tone of voice, as if he was the adult and not Niki. “Lots of people get anxious in social situations. Not me, of course, but others do.”
Niki laughed. He couldn’t help it. Ernest might be sixteen years old, but he wasn’t sulky like Matilda’s son, Tomas.
He was a joy, and Niki was very fond of him.
He was glad he had given in to the boy’s pleading to come with him on this visit to Grantham.
He wondered whether he should take Ernest with him everywhere from now on.
It would certainly make social occasions easier.
Niki ended up staying for half an hour before he sought out Roberta’s gaze. She instantly rose, and he followed her from the room for that promised walk in the garden.
He had forgotten just how beautiful the gardens at Grantham were.
With the house as a backdrop, they strolled in silence for some time before he felt the need to speak.
It reminded him yet again how comfortable he felt in Roberta’s presence.
Even her tendency to say things best left unsaid did not concern him as much as it used to.
“Your family has grown since I was last here.”
She beamed as if he had pleased her by noticing.
“Gabriel and Vivienne have Austin, who is the heir to Grantham. And Olivia and Ivo have Lily and Baby Edward. Edward is the youngest. Justina and Charles do not have any children so far, and while they’re busy running Cadieux’s, they seem happy without that complication. ”
“And you still have three younger sisters.” Niki made his eyes comically big.
Roberta laughed, as he had hoped she would. “Antonia is too young to make her debut yet, and Georgia and Edwina are still children.” She said it dismissively, as if she had been on the town for years and years, which made him smile.
“Your grandmother must be very proud of her family.”
“She is. She is already telling Gabriel which school Austin should go to. Poor little boy, to have his life already mapped out before him.”
Like me, thought Niki. Was it possible he might have been brought up differently, in the sort of household he had seen a moment ago? Too late now, of course, but what of his own children? Could he break through the rigid rules that had hemmed him in as a boy and make things better for them?
“But I am sure Gabriel will do what’s best for Austin,” Roberta was chattering on. “He is not concerned about social mores.”
“I will be happy if I produce one heir to the throne. I think that is all that can be expected of me. One was enough for my father and my grandfather. Once they were free of that obligation, they could go their merry ways.” He realized too late that this probably wasn’t a conversation to be having with the girl he was pretending to be engaged to.
A girl he was pretending to plan to marry and spend his life with.
“‘Their merry ways’?” she asked curiously, a little frown between her brows. They had reached a pretty area where there was a pond, with dappled sunlight on the mossy green water.
“It’s nothing. I misspoke.”
“No, you didn’t. You meant to say something and then you thought better of it. Are you afraid my ears are too delicate for the truth? I assure you they are not. I understand that not all marriages are happy, and some are very unhappy indeed.”
“You do not believe in the ridiculous notion of marrying for love then?” He wasn’t sure why he said it in that scornful way when they were pretending that was exactly what their match was.
Or perhaps he did. Love matches in his world were virtually nonexistent, and many he did know about had ended in misery once the gloss had worn off.
Roberta did not seem to mind his bluntness.
“I do know such outcomes are rare, but my sisters are some of the lucky ones. As for myself, I have both feet planted firmly on the ground.” She stamped them, as if to prove it was true, and a startled bird flew up from the reeds on the far side of the pond.
“I will tell you something, and then you can return the favor. Grandmama came to stay after my father died, and she realized my mother was neglecting us. It just so happened we were here, swimming, when she arrived. And we were naked. She was horrified, and that was when she decided we needed to learn ladylike skills. Edwina still talks about this place longingly, but never in my grandmother’s hearing. ”
Niki wasn’t sure laughter was appropriate. He could picture it, the six girls laughing and splashing like slippery eels, enjoying themselves hugely, and then suddenly the dowager appearing, spluttering with outrage. Yes, it was funny, and suddenly he was laughing.
Roberta grinned back at him, and he could see she was pleased he had enjoyed her story. It occurred to him that she did this quite often: told him something to make him smile or laugh. Lightened his day. As if pleasing him pleased her.
“Now you,” she said determinedly. “What were you thinking about before and decided not to tell me?”