Chapter Thirty-Three
Matilda lifted Freddie’s hand to her lips. “I missed you,” she said, sounding surprised. “So much. I kept thinking ‘I must tell Freddie that,’ and when I turned around, I remembered you weren’t there.”
He wrapped his arms around her, resting his cheek against the top of her head. Her hair was soft and smelled like roses, and he knew he had missed her too. Part of the reason he had wanted to reach their destination was because he knew Matilda would be here. Like a prize at the end of a race.
“How long do you think you will stay in Holtswig?” he asked.
Matilda sighed. “I don’t know. As long as I am needed, I suppose.” Her voice was muffled against his skin. She planted a kiss against his shoulder, and then another on his chest.
Freddie lay back with a groan. “I’m not sure I can manage again,” he admitted. “You have worn me out.”
She giggled and looked down at him with bright eyes. He felt his heart turn over. He loved her, and he didn’t know what to do about it. She had never said this was anything more than a temporary thing. Should he tell her how he felt and risk losing her? Or stay silent and hope her feelings changed?
“Will you take the title if Niki offers it?” she asked him, pretending to be interested in the whorls of sandy hair around his nipples.
Freddie went still. Would a title make her want to stay with him? Marry him? Knowing she might not want him unless he was raised up from a commoner should not be a surprise to him, but it still felt like ice in his gut.
“It won’t change who I am,” he said evenly.
She smiled and then leaned down to nip him gently, making him groan again. “I don’t mean that, silly,” she said. “I just thought it might open more doors for you in the government. Perhaps you could be in charge rather than one of the minions.”
Was he a minion? Freddie liked to think he was a valued member of his group. Rising further would mean he had to sit behind a desk instead of being out in the field. He was a soldier through and through, and he wasn’t sure he would make a good general.
“My father wanted me to come back here after Brooks died,” she said quietly, resting her cheek against his chest. “He had several possible husbands lined up for me. I didn’t want any of them.
They weren’t awful or anything, but the marriages they were offering would be dull and safe, and I wanted some fun. An adventure. I think…I still do.”
“Adventure?” Had she been talking to Roberta? Freddie wound her hair around his fist and gently lifted her head so that he could see her face. She looked uncertain, her gaze dropping and her usual bright smile wavering. “An affair, do you mean?”
“Not just that. I want a man who will not be content with almost-happy, who won’t stroll through the days and years ahead expecting nothing but the same.
I want to go places and see things. I want to reach for the stars.
Does that sound ridiculous to you? I am nearly forty years old, Freddie!
I have been happily married and have three children.
I have a position in society, and I should be content with what I have. Am I being selfish?”
And suddenly, he understood her. Matilda had lived the life of wife and mother, had been the person everyone expected her to be, but underneath all of that, she was restless and miserable. She longed for another life, a different life, and she was beginning to think it would never happen.
“Have you ever been in a curricle race?” he said.
She shook her head, but when she lifted her eyes to his, there was something in them that made him think she liked the sound of that.
“Or traveled to Egypt and sailed down the Nile in a felucca? With the sun beating on your head and the wonders of the past drifting by?”
She sighed and then shook her head again. “Of course not. I have been busy raising my children and attending social engagements.”
“We could do those things,” he said, leaning in to kiss her lips. “You and me. If that is what you want, Matilda. Do you want to go on adventures with me?”
She sighed, and then she nodded. “Yes, I do,” she said. “I want to do those things and more. When this is over, when Niki and Roberta are safely married, and you have discovered who means to harm him, let’s go on an adventure.”
“After that,” Freddie agreed. He kissed her again, and discovered he wasn’t worn out after all.