Chapter Fourteen #2
Mitch moved his fingers to brush her wrist. “I hope not. It’d be a waste of a beautiful night.”
“I wish I’d learned some astronomy. When I was younger, I thought the sky was this never-ending book, filled with fantastical fairytales. The stars were words on its pages, and those who could read it, surely, had some superior wisdom.”
“What stopped you?”
Jackie shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t even remember. It was one of those things, you know … A new interest every week. Another hobby, another passion.”
“I’ve never had those.”
“Never?” she asked.
Mitch closed his eyes and shook his head. “It’s always been swimming for me. I didn’t have time for anything else.”
“That must’ve felt like a lot of pressure.”
He sighed, casting his mind back to his childhood. He’d started swimming lessons when he was six years old. It hadn’t taken long for the kid who could barely stay afloat in water to become one smashing school records and winning trophies by the time he was ten.
“It was. Though I didn’t think about it that way, not back then,” he said slowly.
Jackie shifted her position, putting her head on his chest.
His arms twined around her, his chin resting on top of her head.
“You can tell me about it. If you want to.” Her low voice reverberated through his chest, lighting up every single nerve ending on its way to his brain.
Mitch cleared his throat. He didn’t like talking about his father, and rarely did. But here, with her, the usual heaviness squeezing his chest whenever he thought about holding on to details of his life let up.
“My father is a judge. He’s always been very …
strict. Mom said he wanted a son who’d be an athlete.
He was on a baseball team when he was in college, still played at law school.
But it was never at a professional level.
He liked to tell me that if he hadn’t devoted himself to his academics, he’d have been great.
“When I started swimming and it later turned out I was decent, he became obsessed. He didn’t know much about it beforehand—can barely swim himself—but it didn’t matter.
Nothing mattered, other than pushing me to be better, faster.
Always training harder, giving up things I wanted to do because swimming was what I did.
“I got four swimming scholarships. UT was the farthest away,” he finished. Unless the stars had become bleary, his eyes were misting over.
Jackie’s hand pressed right above his heart. “How do you feel about swimming? Take your father out of it and tell me what you think about it.”
“I used to hate it. If you’d have asked me even a couple of years ago, I’d have told you that I couldn’t stand it. The training, everything.”
“And now?”
“Now, it’s grown on me. I think it might grow on me even more. My father isn’t here to watch me like a hawk during training sessions. He won’t be here to tell me I’m a worthless piece of shit if I don’t win a medal.”
Jackie gasped. “He said that to you?”
Mitch chuckled humorlessly. “More than once.”
Her body tensed. She found his other hand and laced her fingers with his. “Fuck it and fuck him. I shouldn’t say that, I know. But that’s no way to speak to your child.”
He let out a sigh. “I take it your parents don’t say things like that?”
“Never,” she replied like she didn’t even have to think about it.
Relief and jealousy mixed into a strange concoction in his gut. Of course, he was happy her parents didn’t put her down the same way Tanner did. But there was also this nagging voice at the back of his mind, one that somehow always found its way back to his subconscious.
Why can’t my father love me for who I am?
Maybe it was time he finally accepted that it was never going to happen. Whatever he did, he’d never be good enough in Tanner’s eyes. Ah, how easy it sounded in theory. In practice, it was a different beast entirely.
“I’ll never say things like that to my children. I’ll always make sure they know they’re loved. I’ll care about their happiness above my own wishes. It really isn’t that hard to grasp,” Jackie said.
Mitch smiled at the sky, his fingers tangled in her black hair. “You want to have kids, then?”
“You don’t?”
“No, I do … I think?” He chewed on the inside of his cheek. “I’ve never really thought about it. But … yeah, I think I do.”
She brought her leg over his thigh and rested it there.
“I’d love to have three. Two boys and a girl.
Not anytime soon, though. Once I’m a resident.
Or something like that.” She laughed and the stars dispersed, unworthy of occupying the same space.
“I know we’re so young and it might seem silly, talking about things like that—”
“I don’t think it’s silly. It’s good to imagine a future you want.”
Jackie pushed herself off his chest and sat. Thick strands of her loose hair covered half of her face. She blew at it; when it didn’t budge, she flicked it away with her hand. She looked at Mitch, her eyes scanning his features like she was searching for something.
Her gaze dropped. “I suppose I thought about being a mother more than most girls our age because I never knew my own mother.”
Mitch furrowed his brow. “I thought your parents are together—you said you have a great relationship with your mom?”
Jackie’s eyes flicked back to his. “Sharon’s my mother in every way that matters. She’s the best, I love her and couldn’t imagine a better mom. But she’s not my biological mother.”
“Do you want to tell me about it?”
She drew a thoughtful breath. “There isn’t much to tell, I’m afraid.
All I know is that my biological mother didn’t want me.
Well, these aren’t exactly the words my dad used whenever we’ve talked about it, but you know what I mean …
” She paused, years of unspoken hurt coloring her irises.
“My dad said he would raise me. He wanted to. He was already forty when I was born. She was in her early twenties. I don’t really know anything about her. ”
Mitch reached for her hand, cradling it in his. “I’m so sorry, Jackie.”
She shook her head. “Thank you. But it’s fine. As I said, Sharon’s the best mom I could’ve wished for.”
“How old were you when …?” Mitch swore in his mind when his brain chose that moment to run out of words.
“I was three when Sharon married Dad. To be honest, I don’t remember her not being in my life.
So, it isn’t a sad tale. I didn’t tell you this, so you’d feel sad for me.
Because I’m not. I have amazing parents.
I know all that.” A tendon in her neck twitched.
“But sometimes, I feel like I don’t belong here. ”
Jackie drew a sweeping circle with her hand.
“At the ranch?” Mitch asked.
“Yeah. Texas. The ranch … Mimi’s Sharon’s mother so I sometimes worry …
” She let out an irritated groan. “I know how stupid it sounds, just so you know. Sometimes, I feel like I’m only half myself.
When I got older, Dad offered to tell me more about …
her.” She grimaced at the word. “But I’ve never wanted to know. ”
“You don’t have to. It’s completely up to you.”
“That’s what everyone tells me. I don’t know, maybe one day I’ll change my mind.” She shrugged. “For now, I don’t care.”
Mitch tilted his head, watching her closely. “I can’t fathom how someone wouldn’t want to know you. It’s her loss.”
Jackie moved, settling on his left side. She dropped her head to his shoulder, her hand cupping his elbow. Her lips formed into a smile against his cotton sleeve. “Thank you.”
Maybe it was the remoteness of where they were, spread on the grass, enveloped in a quiet contentment.
Maybe it was the knowledge they had both bared pieces of themselves, with only the moon as witness.
Whatever it was, he knew, deep in his bones, that another layer of what made them both who they were was revealed.
Wordlessly, Jackie slid her hand down his forearm, reaching his hand and hooking her pinkie finger with his.
Mitch cast a smile at her, kissing her forehead.
Neither of them said anything but the four words they first said in Betty’s Hens echoed in the night.