Chapter Thirty-Five
March, ten years ago
Jackie
The thick binder clunked as it hit the bottom of the bin. Jackie glared at its purple cover. So many late nights spent in the library, compiling the notes, rewriting and highlighting, so many days she went over its contents again and again … only for this to happen.
Her jaw locked as she dumped a second binder in the bin.
“Honey, do you want to go to the store with me—” Sharon’s question cut off as she froze in the doorway. “What are you doing?”
“Getting rid of all my notes. I won’t be sitting finals now, so they’re useless.”
Sharon crept forward, deep worry lining her forehead. “Sweetie, we talked about this. You’ve heard what the doctor said. Your test wasn’t positive.”
“But it wasn’t negative either!” Her gaze was steely.
“Freaking gray area. Reduced penetrance. I’ve heard them.
What does it matter?” Jackie kicked the desk leg, pulling air through her nostrils.
“I’m only four repeats from a positive test. I’m ten repeats away from a negative test. How am I meant to live, knowing I might or might not develop Huntington’s? ”
Sharon blanched. “They said you might never show any signs.”
“But I also might! Don’t you get it?” She stomped her foot. “It’s always going to hang over me. If I have children, they might inherit the gene and they might get Huntington’s for sure.”
Her blood boiled, her stomach coiled in tight knots.
It had been two days since she’d received her genetic testing results, saw a specialist, a genetic counsellor, and discussed what the results meant.
Both of her parents sat in the white and chrome office, when her world came crashing down.
She was still mad at them, especially her father, but she also couldn’t bear facing the news on her own.
There were so many words, so much medical terminology … Jackie couldn’t believe she was meant to be studying it all herself. That it was meant to be her, in a few years’ time, sat at the other side of the desk, speaking with patients and telling them devastating diagnoses.
After the start of the conversation, she’d switched off, the words reaching her ears muffled, meaningless noises.
The doctor went on to say inheriting reduced penetrance gene from a mother was unlikely, but what good did knowing all of these “unlikely” things do to her? Out of all the things she wanted to be in life, the “unlikely case” in medical genetics was not one of them.
“They also said that we might need to repeat the test in a few years’ time, that the technology is constantly evolving and new, better tests will come to light. That it might turn out you have thirty-four or thirty-five repeats, not thirty-six. That would mean you wouldn’t develop the disease.”
Jackie shook her head, glancing at the red and orange sky outside her window.
Brooke’s Plains always looked its best at sunset, when warm colors kissed the white paint of the walls, the crops and the trees.
She closed her eyes, stifling a cry. There would be no tears tonight.
Mitch, Lyla and Nick were all coming over for a bonfire.
Colt got the beer; Dustin and Mimi prepared the meat.
Ali promised she would play guitar and get them all to sing along.
“Jackie, I know that it must feel impossible right now. But you might never develop Huntington’s. And even if you do, they said it might be much, much later in life than Weronika did. That even if it happens, it might be a lot less severe.”
Air skidded down her throat as she looked at Sharon. “I know, Mom. I just … I can’t.” She shook her head, acid burning her throat. Tears strained at her eyes and her face crumpled.
Sharon’s arms wound tightly around her in an instant. “My sweet girl, I’m so sorry this happened.” She stroked her hair, pressing Jackie’s body to hers. She was a head shorter than Jackie but, just now, Jackie felt like a little lost girl.
“I’m sorry, too,” she mumbled, squeezing Sharon tighter.
Her phone buzzed with a new text message. She fished it out from the pocket of her jeans.
MITCH: We’re almost there. Nick decided today is the day he becomes a safe driver, and I swear every single car passed us. Save me a beer, a marshmallow and a kiss?
Her fingers were full of lead as she typed a reply.
JACKIE: See you soon x
“I need to go, they’re almost here.” She worried her lip between her teeth. Too many thoughts fought for attention in her mind, but she was lost for words when she looked at her mother. “We’ll talk later, okay? I … I need time to process all of this.”
Sharon nodded with a sniff. “Whatever you need, sweetheart, we’re here for you. Go, have fun with your friends. It’s going to help, I’m sure.”
The warm glow of the crackling fire illuminated the clearing at the back of the house. Mismatched camping chairs and tree trunks served as seating scattered around the stone-lined circle. Beer cans were opened and marshmallows toasted on long sticks.
Jackie pulled the sleeves of her jumper, her gaze raking around the fire. Every single person here meant the absolute world to her.
Her eyes lingered on Mimi and Dustin, huddled in a corner, laughing at something no one could hear. She smiled, wondering if something more would blossom between those two. She’d long suspected they liked each other more than they let on.
Then there were Ali and Kit, and their daughter Rose, bundled up in Kit’s lap, babbling away and staring at the fire like it was the best thing she’d ever seen. Ali had a guitar propped on her thigh and had just finished playing “Ho Hey” by The Lumineers.
Everyone clapped enthusiastically as she drew out the last note, Ali bowing her head with a wide grin on her lips. “Thank you, thank you! Any requests?”
“Play ‘Cotton Eye Joe’!” Lyla shouted, her cheeks flushed from the beer and wind. “Nick says he doesn’t know it, and I say that’s bullshit.”
Ali raised a brow, dragging her fingers over the guitar strings. “You’re fucking joking.”
Nick shrugged, throwing an arm over Lyla and pulling her close to his side. “I like to wind her up.”
Lyla hit his chest. “You liar! What else are you lying about?”
Jackie watched them with a half-smile, clutching an untouched can of beer in her stiff hands. These two were either going to murder each other or marry.
“Hey, gorgeous.” Mitch sat next to her on the trunk of a fallen tree they were using as a bench. “You’re not drinking?”
Swallowing, she urged her lips into a small smile. “I will.”
Mitch scanned her face.
Jackie looked away, petrified that if he searched long enough, he’d discover everything she was determined to keep hidden. “How about ‘Iris’?” she asked Ali.
Nick groaned. “The Goo Goo Dolls, seriously, Jackie?”
Ali nodded in approval. “Hey, pipe down, Nick. It’s a good bonfire song.” Without waiting for any other suggestions, she struck the first chords, her clear voice filling the air.
It didn’t take long for everyone to join in, though no one’s voice was a match to Ali’s.
Colt raised his beer bottle to them, his expression grim. His glassy eyes bored into the dancing flames which didn’t bring out any color in his pale face.
Jackie watched him for a second before deciding she needed to talk to him. “I’ll be back, going to chat with Colt. He’s sulking after he got dumped,” she told Mitch.
Standing, she brushed dust and wood shavings off the back of her jeans, and walked up to Colt. “Hey, stranger.”
“Jacks.” He nodded, gulping the rest of his beer down. “How are you?”
“Move over, grumpy.” Her finger nudged his ribs.
Colt scooted across the trunk with a sigh. “Are you here to lecture me on how she wasn’t good enough for me anyway and I deserve better?”
Jackie took a sip from her beer, crossing her legs at the ankles. “No, because you already know all that. I told you this last week, why would I repeat myself?”
“To hammer the point more?”
She chuckled, shaking her head. “I’m not the right person to give any life advice.” A long drink of beer moved down her throat, cold bubbles tickling her tongue. “I do hope you meet someone worthy of you. You’re a catch.”
He shifted, a deep chuckle rising from his chest. “You might be the only woman in a fifty-mile radius who thinks so.”
“You are. You just need to stop going for the ones who are looking for a rebound.” Jackie shrugged. “Find someone who’s ready to be serious.”
“Like you and golden boy, eh?” Colt teased.
Her eyes focused on Mitch, who had moved to sit next to Kit and had taken baby Rose into his arms. Mitch raised Rose in the air, his smile so wide and infectious …
Her breath stuttered.
Even if she didn’t end up developing Huntington’s, she could never have children. She wouldn’t. There was no chance in hell she would risk passing on the gene. And Mitch wanted all that: wife, children, stability. She was no longer someone who could even dream about a life like that.
Her heart cracked, bleeding out through the cuts she’d carved into it in the past few weeks.
Mitch was building a life for himself, away from his despondent father and his influence.
He was dreaming his own dreams, planning the future he wanted.
She couldn’t take it away from him, could she?
If they stayed together, they’d live their lives always wondering—had she stumbled or had she started showing symptoms?
And what about when she got angry? Was it her or was it Huntington’s changing her personality?
It would be a constant guessing game.
“Jacks?” Colt’s knee nudged hers, snapping her out of her daze.
She tipped her can, swallowing a large gulp of beer. “You have a lot to offer, Colt. Don’t settle for less than everything, okay?” She squeezed his hand, wanting to convey how much his friendship meant to her.
Colt coughed, shaking his head. “Whatever. I’ll try.” He squeezed her hand back and let go.
Mitch was saying something to Kit, his eyes shimmering with wonder as he continued cradling Rose. He gave her his index finger to hold and was dazzling her with his widest, most brilliant smile.
A piece of Jackie’s heart broke away.
That smile was her favorite.
Drawn blinds kept the streetlights’ glare from the bedroom. Her eyes were closed, her head buzzing as she tried to soak in every millisecond in Mitch’s arms.
They got back to his and Nick’s apartment late after the bonfire and scattered to their respective bedrooms. Lyla had had too much beer and Nick practically carried her inside.
Jackie checked she was all right, got her to drink some water and pushed aspirin into her, helped her get changed, and laughed her way out of Nick’s bedroom when Lyla shouted how much she loved her.
She nuzzled Mitch’s bare chest, moving her fingers up to his face. “Are you asleep?”
His small double bed felt more cramped than before, or maybe it was the heaviness of everything she’d been trying to process.
“If I was, all that tickling would wake me up,” he murmured.
Jackie smiled against his skin, tightening her embrace on him. “You looked good with Rose tonight.”
“I like kids. She’s cute.”
“She is,” she agreed, willing her heart to slow down. “You’re going to make a great dad one day.”
He hummed under his breath, scratching her head, the way she liked. “You’re going to be the best mom, too.”
Her lungs stalled, air freezing mid-inhale.
How much she wanted that to be true. The lid of Pandora’s box—filled with all her maternal feelings and fears—had cracked.
It wasn’t fully open, because she wasn’t ready to face truly considering what it meant to her.
She knew not everyone had children. Hell, not everyone even wanted to have children.
But ever since she could remember imagining her future, children had always been part of it, at some point. Now, that was all ruined.
“Let’s go to sleep,” she whispered, listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat.
He hooked his pinkie finger with hers and dropped a kiss on top of her forehead, just below her hairline. “Night.”
“Night. I love you, Mitch.”
He smiled into her hair. “I love you more.”
She lost track of time as she lay there, cuddled up to him, his breathing mixing with the ticking of the annoying wall clock.
It might’ve been an hour, or three. All she knew was that once she’d turned over every memory they shared—from meeting him on that first day of college to every night spent in the library, cheering him on at the swim meets, him shouting the loudest from the stands when she competed in barrel racing, horseback riding, dancing in Betty’s Hens, and making wishes upon the stars—it was dawn, streetlights flickering in and out, until they eventually switched off fully.
Before the sun came up, Jackie made up her mind: she couldn’t bear destroying his life.
She couldn’t be the reason that gorgeous smile she loved so much would disappear from his lips.
The “what-ifs” swimming in her mind were already slowly suffocating the joy and purpose from her.
There was no way she could be the woman Mitch deserved and be …
this. It was unfathomable to think about him with someone else, but she hoped he would find someone who could make all his dreams come true.
Careful not to wake him, she lifted his forearm and moved away, getting up as quietly as she knew how. Pulling on the straps of her top, she watched his sleeping form for a moment, her heart not even hurting anymore; it was completely hollowed out.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered into the still air.
Barefoot, she crept to his desk, taking a piece of paper tucked under a textbook. Her hand shook like her body was trying to stop her from writing the goodbye she was too big of a coward to tell him face to face.
Mitch,
I’m sorry. I can’t do this. Don’t look for me, please.
Have the best, most extraordinary life. You deserve only wonderful things.
Jackie
Two fat tears splotched the ink. She folded the paper in half and put it on the pillow where she’d slept on countless nights.
Walking out of the door, she took one last look at him. It wasn’t just her heart or her mind that shattered; the core of her soul splintered into a million pieces, and she wasn’t sure if she’d ever be whole again.