14. River
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
River
In the morning, I hovered outside the closed bedroom door almost a full minute before I raised my fist to knock. But before I could, the door flew open.
Charlie looked startled to see me there. She was already dressed.
“Time to go?” she asked.
“It is. Hodge dropped by with a few things he thought we might need.”
He’d made me promise to come visit soon and bring Charlie with me when things weren’t so hurried. I’d told him that was extremely unlikely.
I would come. But Charlie? If I’d given him the impression that she and I spent a lot of time together, he was sorely mistaken.
“Everything okay?” she asked.
I dipped my chin. “I checked in with Cerberus and the Protectors. As you’d expect, there’s been a major law enforcement response to the incident at the botanic gardens. The police are treating it as a terrorist attack and you as a potential target of that attack. They’re working hard to find you. ”
“Brynn knows I’m safe. She’ll pass that along to the rest of the FBI.”
“I would think so, along with my name. Which means we have to assume Stillwater knows I’m protecting you. Our plan hasn’t changed. We keep you out of sight until we can uncover the extent of Stillwater’s plot against you and who’s working with them.”
“Right.” Her teeth dug into her lower lip. “What about you? Are you okay?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
She sighed and shook her head. Maybe I was playing dumb. But I preferred not to rehash certain things that we’d said last night. No need to go there again.
“Sun will be up soon. We need to get on the road.” I rapped my knuckles against the wall before turning to pack my things.
I hadn’t slept much. How could I, after she had offered to share her bed with me? And then when she’d grabbed my hand. That simple brush of skin against skin had gotten me half hard in an instant.
Exactly why I’d turned down her offer. She thought we could share a bed platonically. That was a no-go for me.
I had told her, straight up, that I wasn’t pretending to have feelings for her. It would’ve been wiser if I’d kept my mouth shut. I’d spent years hiding how I felt about her from everyone, sometimes even me, so I’d had plenty of practice.
Or maybe it was the opposite. I’d used up years of willpower where Charlie was concerned, and now I was finally wearing down.
I’d stayed up late working, but my mind had kept going to the closed bedroom door. Imagining Charlie curled up on the mattress. If I’d said yes, I would’ve heard the soft sounds she made in sleep. Felt the weight of her in the bed beside me in the dark .
I’d come so close to having that, and it had been a form of self-torture to turn her down. But it would’ve been just another kind of torture to lie there next to her. Knowing there was zero possibility I could ever touch her the way I wanted. Have her the way I craved.
I’d first noticed Charlie, really noticed her, eighteen years ago. I’d wanted her. And all these years later, despite the distance I’d tried to put between my heart and her, I still felt that pull.
I finished packing up my devices. Charlie came over, and I took the small bag of her belongings from her hand. Our fingers brushed. “Hodge brought something for you,” I said. “It’s on the table.”
There was a large duffel with a Denver Broncos logo. She unzipped it and looked at the contents. “Snacks and drinks. And more clothes and toiletries. Even socks! That man is an angel. I hope he didn’t clean out his sister’s room.”
“I’m sure she’ll be fine.” I held up the other item Hodge had brought over. It was a brunette wig inside a net bag. “He said he would’ve gotten some new ID papers for you, but there wasn’t time. This was the best he could manage.”
Charlie took the wig and carefully tugged the net away. “This is nice.” She went into the bathroom to use the mirror.
When she came out, her coppery blond was hidden except for a small tuft just below one ear. I reached out to tuck it under. She flinched a little, going still until I’d pulled my hand away.
“There. Looks good.” Different, but she was somehow just as beautiful. “Hodge left us a new vehicle as well. A clean one, so we don’t have to worry about a BOLO on the other, new plates or not.”
“Are you sure we can’t drop by his house? I feel like I should do something to say thanks. Like give Hodge a kiss. Or an almost-kiss.” She shrugged, fingering the fringe of bangs now sweeping above her eyes. “Since that’s a normal gesture between acquaintances, right?”
I chuckled. “Don’t worry, I already gave him an extra kiss on your behalf. We’re all set.”
I could tell she was trying to stay annoyed at me, but a grin threatened to break out on her lips.
The sun was behind us as we made our way into the mountains, using smaller highways instead of the major routes. Stillwater could be watching any of them, not to mention the police. But they couldn’t cover every road.
“We’re heading toward Hartley?” she asked.
“Yep.” I would contact Trace when we got closer. Arrange for a safe meeting place. I’d already ruled out making it all the way to Last Refuge, because our facilities there weren’t intended to hide someone with a high profile. But we’d figure it out.
We were both quiet for the first half hour at least, watching our surroundings. But when the traffic thinned and we were out in the thick of the wilderness, mountain slopes rising in every direction, that tension eased.
Until Charlie spoke up again.
“River, I want to talk about what you said last night.”
I studied the view through the windshield. “I say a lot of things. Most of my friends ignore at least half of it.”
“Don’t gaslight me. That’s such an asshole move.”
The muscle in my jaw clenched in time with the beating of my heart.
Shit. She really wasn’t going to let me out of this.
“Which part?” I asked. A pathetic effort to buy time.
“You said that you weren’t pretending with the way you acted toward me at the fundraiser. Saying you’d missed me. And looking at me the way you were. Flirting. Don’t deny it.”
“I can’t deny it.” I wished I hadn’t opened my mouth and let that slip last night. Too late now. “Last night, I admitted I wasn’t pretending because you keep accusing me of not caring about you. It’s no secret that we haven’t always gotten along.”
She snorted.
“But I have never been indifferent to you, Charlie. To hear you accuse me of that…” My thumbs drew circles on the edge of the steering wheel. “It got to me.”
“I thought nothing ever got to you.”
“Then you think way too highly of me. Or maybe too low. I do have feelings.”
“Feelings? In general?”
“Yeah, feelings . Like sneaky bugs in the code. They keep popping up and causing trouble no matter what I do.”
“Sure that’s not your conscience?”
“Nah, I don’t have one of those.”
Smirking, she reached out to play with the radio dial, but it was all static. “I’d love to hear more about these feelings of yours.”
“Why am I the only one making confessions?”
That was enough to quiet her down. More miles rolled by. Scenic landscapes straight out of a postcard. I focused on the road, but I felt her staring. Assessing. Plotting.
“How about this,” she said.
Oh, boy , I thought. Here it comes .
“We take turns asking questions, and the other has to answer honestly. We’ll see who balks first.”
“You want to play chicken at being honest? Never heard of that game.”
“I just invented it.”
I laughed, but my pulse had picked up. “I don’t want to wind up arguing with you again.”
“If you can’t handle it, you can say no.”
“I can handle it,” I countered automatically. Though I suspected this was a terrible idea. “But I get to ask my question first.”
“Ask away.” Bending one leg, Charlie shifted in her seat so she faced me.
“You find me devastatingly attractive, don’t you?”
Her jaw dropped. “Out of everything in the universe, that’s what you ask first? Your arrogance knows no bounds.”
“Go ahead and forfeit.” This was my strategy. End the contest as soon as possible. Unless her honest answer was no , but how likely was that?
“ Yes , I’m attracted to you. Begrudgingly.”
Satisfaction swirled in my belly. But before I could fully enjoy it, she asked, “Are you attracted to me ?”
“I said you’re stunning at the fundraiser. I already told you I was being honest.”
“That’s not the same thing.”
I glanced at her from the corner of my eye. Even that small glimpse was enough to warm my blood. If she only knew the ways I used to fantasize about us being together. Stripping her down and keeping her in my bed like some caveman. Mine, mine, mine .
“Yes, Charlie. I find you very attractive. I’ve always been drawn to you. Since puberty, anyway. Even when we didn’t like each other.”
Her chin dipped, the brunette strands of her wig hiding her face. “I never thought you noticed me that way.”
“Did you feel the same about me when we were teenagers?” I asked. “Did you want me?”
She whispered, “Yes. I had a crush on you.”
My heart squeezed, and blood pumped to all the parts of me that wanted to touch her. One most of all.
But I smiled breezily. “We’re equally embarrassed now. Let’s end this while we’re ahead.”
“So you forfeit? ”
The engine revved. I realized my foot had inched down on the accelerator. “I didn’t say that.”
She shifted around in her seat. “Back when we were teenagers and got in trouble for that stupid archery bet, and we had to stay home together, I thought we became friends.”
I exhaled. “Is that your question?”
“Let me finish. A year later, you told me you were coming back to Colorado for one more summer visit. Then you changed your mind. Ross showed up without you and told me you’d enlisted earlier than planned. Suddenly, you were off at basic training, and it was like you’d forgotten me. I’ve always wanted to know why.”
My mind went back in time.
Eighteen years ago.
After the day I’d carried her in the rain, we’d managed to get along for the rest of the summer. No, it had been more than that. We’d been close friends the rest of that visit. Ross, Charlie, and me. Even her little sisters. We were one big happy family, laughing and carefree until Ross and I had to leave.
But secretly, after that day in the rain, I’d wanted her so damn much.
When I’d returned to school, Charlie and I had kept in touch. Exchanging emails every few days. Sharing jokes, stuff about our daily lives. Classes and friends.
Her messages had kept me going. I’d hung on every word.
And at night, I had dreamed about her. Hot, desperate dreams of the things we might do together. What might’ve happened if I’d been brave enough to kiss her.
She had known I planned to join the Navy. But as my eighteenth birthday passed and high school graduation loomed, I had decided enlistment could wait a little longer. I’d ached to see her again.
One more summer .
Then I’d realized how selfish I was being.
My intentions had been far from noble. I’d wanted to see her for one last summer, explore the chemistry I’d always had with her. And then…what? Expect her to wait for me? Or worse, break her heart? We were just kids.
I’d had so much to prove back then. To my father, my teachers, my peers. Charlie hadn’t fit those plans. She’d deserved better than what I’d had to give.
“I was going to leave eventually anyway. I thought it would be easier for us both.”
“Well, it wasn’t easier for me,” she said. “Not because of some childish crush. I got over that. But it hurt to lose your friendship.”
“Then I’m sorry.”
The tires rushed over the asphalt. We were both so quiet, I heard a click as she swallowed.
“Your turn,” she said.
I didn’t want to ask. But also, it was killing me not to.
“When did you and Ross get together?”
Ross had never told me. We hadn’t talked much once I was in the Navy. On top of my regular duties, I’d been busting my ass to prepare for SEAL training and get permission to attend BUD/s. I hadn’t wanted to look back. I’d known Ross was going to college in Colorado, and eventually, I’d heard through our mom that Ross and Charlie were dating. I’d felt empty for weeks afterward. Like I’d lost something crucial, even though I’d never had it.
“Ross and I were just friends for a long time,” she said. “We were juniors in college before our relationship really got going. I thought we’d break up after graduation, but Ross decided to stay in Denver with me. He wanted to give us a real shot. And I agreed.”
Dammit. Why had I asked? It was a knife in the chest to hear those words .
I hadn’t gotten over my childhood crush on her. It had only grown. Year after year. An inner defect I couldn’t shake. I’d been the sick bastard with feelings for my brother’s girl.
I scanned the road, desperate for a distraction. An SUV had just pulled onto the road about a half mile behind us. I didn’t get a good look at it before the road curved.
“I was working at a nonprofit in Denver,” she went on, “making plans for grad school and running for local office. Ross was getting his masters in journalism. You were a SEAL. Off living your action-packed, heroic life. I hardly ever saw you.”
I’d run into Charlie and Ross a handful of times while on leave. Like a certain Christmas, right after Ross had asked her to marry him. Ten years ago.
“Did you ever think about me?” she asked.
“You’re asking if I ever thought about you while you were engaged to my brother?” I knew the answer. But how could I admit that to her?
She winced. “Never mind. I shouldn’t have.”
I caught another brief glimpse of that SUV behind us.
My eyes darted between the windshield and the rearview, waiting for it to come back in sight. But my instincts were already on alert. Something about the shape.
I took my foot off the accelerator, checking our speed.
“But when you think about it,” she said, “is there any point to hiding this stuff? Really?”
My grip had tightened on the steering wheel. I forced it to relax. “Charlie. Listen.”
“Ross and I broke up seven years ago. He’s married to someone else now.”
The SUV came into view. Oh fuck .
“ Charlie .”
She rubbed her face. “You and I have all this unresolved stuff between us, and?— ”
“There’s a cop car behind us.”
“Oh my?—”
“Don’t turn around.”
She sank down in the seat, muttering curses. “Oh jeez. What’s he doing? Is he pulling us over?”
“He’s matching our speed.”
“If he suspected us of something, he’d pull us over.”
“Or he might be notifying his friends at Stillwater so they can meet us up ahead. Cut us off.”
“Thanks for the optimism. What are we going to do?”
If this was just a local officer out on patrol, it would be foolish for me to make a sudden move and draw his attention. If he acted aggressively or someone else appeared to threaten us, I’d react accordingly.
“Wait it out. That’s all we can do.”
Charlie reached for my hand. I flipped my palm so it was against hers. Laced our fingers together. I wished it didn’t feel so good.
Ten Years Ago
Nobody answered when I knocked on my mom’s front door. Probably because of the Christmas tunes blaring from inside.
Mom would have a spare key hidden somewhere, but there was no need. The knob turned when I tried it. “Hey, it’s me,” I called out. “Your favorite sailor is home from war. Somebody better kiss me.”
Carrying a stack of gifts and my duffel, I barged into the kitchen. And there was Charlotte, decked out in red and green.
“I’m not kissing you,” she deadpanned .
My smile might’ve slipped by a millimeter, but I was sure she didn’t notice.
“Grumpy Charlie! It’s been a while.” Exactly a year and three months. Before that, it had been my father’s funeral.
“Still with the nickname? It took forever to get my sisters to stop calling me that.”
“But it’s so fitting.”
“Maybe I should call you Revolting River.”
“Except you adore me, so that doesn’t work at all.”
I grabbed her by the waist with one arm and swung her around. She yelped and told me to put her down. Which I did, flashing her a renewed grin.
I had known Charlie would be here, and I was ready for it. No problem. Nothing was going to get me down.
I’d had my issues in the past when it came to Charlotte McKinley, but I’d finally moved on from that bullshit juvenile fascination I’d had with her. She was Ross’s girlfriend. An acquaintance, nothing more. So what if we had instant chemistry the moment we saw one another? Didn’t have to mean anything.
It didn’t mean anything.
“You’re in a good mood,” she said, smiling.
“I’m on leave, it’s Christmas, and I’m meeting someone special in Tahoe a few days from now to ski. Life is good.” I piled up the gifts on the table to sort out later.
“Wow, someone special? Like a woman?”
“Last time I checked, yeah.”
There was the predictable eye roll. “You’ve finally got a girlfriend?”
Girlfriend was exaggerating. “It’s trending that way. Been a couple months now. Met her on base.”
“Still in Virginia?”
“Yep.” For now, anyway. I’d been approached about a different way I could serve my country. It would mean leaving the Navy. But I was considering it.
“Then why didn’t you bring her home to meet the family?”
“That’s not really my style. What about you? What’s new?”
She poured herself a glass of wine, gesturing to offer me one. I shook my head.
“I’ve decided to run for a spot in the General Assembly. I keep wanting our government to do more and being frustrated, so I figure I should get in there and see if I can do better.”
“You’ll be brilliant.” I couldn’t help reaching for her forearm, squeezing gently. “I’d vote for you.”
“Too bad you’re not a Colorado voter.”
“Charlotte, did you tell River what else is new?” My brother strolled into the kitchen wearing a hideous holiday sweater, almost matching Charlie’s.
“I see you finally roped your girl into your ugly sweater fetish,” I said.
We slapped hands. Hugged. An old habit, though Ross and I weren’t exactly close anymore. Then he wrapped an arm around Charlie and tugged her close. “Have you told him yet?”
Color spread over her cheeks like spilled wine. “I haven’t had the chance.”
“Told me what?”
She lifted her hand. There was a sparkly ring on her finger. And my stomach did some kind of wild spinny maneuver. Worse than a HALO jump from 30,000 feet.
“Holy shit. You popped the question?” My voice didn’t sound like mine. “Congrats you two. That’s…that’s big.”
I was falling. Nothing but darkness beneath. And no fucking parachute .
I managed to get through cocktail hour. Appetizers. Meeting the new guy our mother was dating. But my thoughts kept flying away from me, going places I didn’t want them to go.
Finally, I saw a chance to escape. I sneaked out onto the deck overlooking the lights of the LA basin. An enviable Hollywood Hills view.
I would’ve preferred a hard bunk on a submarine. Or a dirt floor on the other side of the world surrounded by hostiles. Or actually free-falling over a dark landscape and hoping my parachute would eventually open. Heights had never been my jam. But it would be better than this.
I heard the patio door slide open behind me. “River?”
My eyes sank closed. No. I couldn’t handle this now.
“Hey Charlie.” I cleared my throat. “What’s up?”
“Dinner’s soon. Are you okay?”
“I’m good.”
“You disappeared. You have a habit of doing that.”
I shrugged as if I didn’t know what she meant.
“Are you thinking about your dad?”
I made a face at the view, my back still to her. “Not really, no.”
My father had passed from liver failure. He’d taken with him all the stress my mom had put on herself to be the ideal Hollywood wife. The disapproval he’d shown me and Ross. We’d tried to mend fences after his diagnosis, but the great Dash Park had spent more time cementing his legacy with his fans than with his family.
“I’m fine Charlie, really. Be there in a second.”
Instead of leaving me alone, she stood at the railing beside me. “Pretty different view from the woods where we used to hang out.”
“That’s for sure.”
“Do you ever miss those summers? ”
Summers in Colorado. The closest thing I’d ever had to a feeling of home .
“It was a long time ago,” I said softly.
She was quiet. The seconds ticked by, each one excruciating. Please go , I thought. And at the same time, Please don’t go .
“You’re right,” she said. “It was a long time ago. I’d better go inside and help.”
I didn’t breathe until I heard the patio door close again, and I knew she was gone.
I’d told myself so many times that this was finished. This time, I had almost believed it. Until I’d seen that ring.
She was my brother’s fiancée now. I had a great girl waiting for me in Tahoe. I was such an asshole. They all deserved better.
It was a disease, this secret weakness inside of me. Only getting worse with time.
“Why aren’t you strong enough to get over this?” I murmured.
I’d never even been with Charlie, never kissed her. Was that the reason this plagued me? The agony of wondering what could have been?
I would’ve given anything to cut out the parts of me that loved her.