Chapter 29
Twenty-Nine
The next day, Ally rested her head on the grass within Boston’s Common gardens. Chip laid out beside her in the hot, early afternoon sun. Having strolled past the Southwest end’s softball fields, the Soldiers and Sailors monument on Flagstaff hill, and then a spray-pool-turned-skating-rink in the winter called the Frog Pond, she rubbed her feet, ruing the heels she’d have to wear at tonight’s Encode dinner.
She turned to Chip, where the frown he directed at the clear sky prevented him from noticing her, so she ran a hand over his wrinkled brow and vied for his attention. “You look worried.”
He shuffled on his side and nestled his head in her lap, his small act obscuring her sense of impending doom with belonging. “I am worried.”
She nodded. They both had so much happening, each complication like a loose kite string blowing in the wind and getting caught with other kites. The whole, giant tangle destined to hit the ground soon enough.
“Because of tonight?”
He peered up at her question before adding his reply, “Tonight. Tomorrow’s presentation. Other things.”
Wanting to make him feel better, wanting to maintain this loose connection, she ran her fingertips through his soft hair, her heart shifting at this losing battle.
His eyes drifted shut, and his scowl eased. As much as she resigned herself to an end here, wobbly uncertainty still wrenched at her tone. “Other things as in, me? Or your dad?”
His head shifted in her lap from a nod, his eyes still shut, as though he preferred not to meet her gaze. “Both, but he was rude to you last night, and I regret you had to deal with that.”
She scoffed, and that wobbliness turned to an incredulous laugh. “You were rude too.”
His eyes flicked open. “He was worse.”
A frozen tension passed between them, but he eventually reached up and stroked her cheek. “I’m sorry. That’s a weak excuse. I don’t regret making him feel bad, but you’re right, I could have handled things better.”
She stayed silent for a while, just stroking his hair and allowing her frustration to dissipate a bit, though the pangs of doubt that dogged her since Chip’s return didn’t budge.
“Chip. what if this is all there is?” She caught his jaw’s mild slackening and his face turning hollow just below his cheekbones. “For me? For us ?”
A harder set took over his brow, like he read her reference to his dad’s pestering her about her future, then Chip’s exaggerating her potential if his dad could only wait a little longer.
“Ally”—he launched to a seated position and cupped her face—“don’t let last night get to you, okay? Don’t let it affect how you feel about yourself. Or me. Please.”
She huffed out a sharp breath. “I wish controlling my feelings were that easy. I don’t know if there are things about me that need fixing or if I’m just the way I’m supposed to be, but when you and your dad push—”
“Oh, God. Ally. No.” His voice turned brittle, and his hands tensed at her face. “Whatever I said last night had everything to do with me and nothing to do with you. I’m the one who’s never been enough. Not in his eyes, anyway. I thought talking you up would get him to lay off. That I’d spare you feeling inadequate, and maybe he’d play happy family for just one night. Heck, I was so busy trying to salvage that illusion, I should have just told him to back off from the start.”
She held a quiet pause thinking over what he’d said, and although she’d already forgiven him, her mind stuck on the other details. “Why is he so hellbent on giving you a hard time?”
He gave a harsh laugh and let his hands fall away from her, his attention slipping to the grass between them. “Want to know what his real problem with you is?”
Her heartbeat caught, and her ability to speak dried with the sense that a truth bomb was about to explode. Still, she did want to know. “Tell me.”
“He sees history repeating, Ally.” His voice weak and raspy, his gaze lifted to her again, his pupils wide, and expression slack in a way that said the admission hurt him too. “He sees me as an extension of him, and right now, in his eyes, you’re my mom 2.0. The one who will bring it all down. The small-town girl forcing me to waste my potential in Harlow.”
She flinched at the comparison. A comparison she’d never really considered, but one that somehow rang true. Too true. And that truth bore deeper with each passing thought, a chasm seeming to open within her, painful enough to bring a sting to her eyes.
“Wow.” She tore her gaze from him and gave a rapid series of blinks, the open, sunny space around them suddenly not big or private enough. “Way to pour cold water on things.”
“Ally—” He reached for her, his forehead crinkled in a way that said he was only half-done, that he was about to get to the part where he would make her feel better about ruining his life, but then her phone rang on the grass beside her, and she held a hand up gesturing for him to stop.
“It’s Emilia, I have to answer.” She took a drawn-out and steadying breath, but the trembling sound wasn’t all that convincing. So she pressed the heel of her palm to her right eye to stem any possible tears.
On the phone, Emilia kept a bright and fast tone, all while Ally offered the excited laughs and engaged responses expected of her. Before long, her insistent tears flowed, and she hung up, squeezing her eyes shut against the confusing mix of sorrow and glee.
“I got the Argyle deal.” The words shuddered from her, and her heart beat faster.
Momentarily still, Chip stared back at her before his smile finally broke, and he pulled her into a full embrace. Even as he held her, her mind caught on that split second where he’d done nothing. His moment of doubt mirroring hers.
Things weren’t right here.
More and more, she couldn’t keep up, and everything she knew slipped unwillingly from her grasp. Chip. Harlow. Her burgeoning career. She couldn’t do it all. Couldn’t have them all.
He pulled back and swept his gaze over her face, his continued grasp on her arms denoting a yearning to hold on. “What happens next?”
She leaned out of his hold and frowned down at her lap. “I guess there’ll be contracts to sign once I get back to Harlow. Emilia will help me figure out how to honor the Argyle’s order. After that, I get straight to work making pottery.”
She wanted to peer up and feel the sense of release that she got from looking at him, but something had changed there too. No matter how much Chip meant to her, she wasn’t like him, and there was more that worked against this relationship than just living in different states.
She didn’t thrive on problem-solving. She was outgoing, but not adventurous. Like so many artists, she lived in her own head and moved at her own pace.
“Now who’s the overachiever?” He lifted her chin and forced her attention to his lighthearted grin. “I guess that means I really can’t mess up with Encode now.”
She laughed, acknowledging his point. For this super brief moment, she was ahead of him.
He shook his head, brows pinching together, as though he’d witnessed her earlier doubts playing across her face. “About before, I’m not him. Ally, you are more than enough. You are everything.”
A heavy weight pressed on her chest, and she tried to offer a reassuring smile. “Things are so new, Chip, let’s not—”
“No. Let’s.” He clasped her hands between his, his firm hold pleading that she listen. “Your business is picking up. Encode’s interest will at least shine a light on my work. We have than enough potential that’s worth exploring. Move to Boston with me. We’ll get an apartment. You’ll be closer to the city action and all that means for your art. If you really want to stay in Harlow, then we’ll make something work there too.”
“You mean, a long-distance relationship?” She raised a brow, ensuring he knew she didn’t love the idea.
“It’s not ideal, but—”
“It’s also not what I want.”
No. She’d spent her entire life dreaming of love, and having a relationship unfold via video calls and text messages wasn’t what she envisioned.
As for his offer to leave Boston, well, Harlow had no tech industry and his moving there wouldn’t be fair. So, the question remained, could she move away from Harlow?
“Ally, we work.” He paused to swallow and gave a hesitant nod, as though he second guessed what he planned to say. “And the truth is I—”
“Don’t say it.” Her heart clenched, his pause between phrases only making her demand more valid.
Whatever he felt, she felt too. The glowing hazel of his eyes said enough that words weren’t needed. And putting words to a thing made that thing real.
“Real” meant upending their lives. So, she didn’t want real.
Even if her heart already treaded deep waters, she didn’t want to hear that he loved her. And just thinking that he might, caused her pain.
Her attention dropped to the grass beneath her, the cheerful green and prickly blades under her fingers an insufficient distraction from her darker thoughts.
“Ally.” He said nothing more until she focused back to him. “If the Encode funding doesn’t happen, I’ll find a tech job somewhere else. It might not be as grand as having my own invention, but I’ll get us an apartment here or work remote from Harlow if I have to. We can—”
She shook her head, the act alone enough to make him stop.
“This is too much.” She shrugged, her throat tight and having reduced her voice to a twisting whisper.
His face tightened, his frustration now undeniable. “Too much what? Reality?”
Exactly that. Even though his question hit her like a literal blow to the gut, she gave him a side glare, warning him not to point out her problem with reality, major change being something she’d waited her whole life for, only to pike out now that it was here.
He rubbed a hand over his face, the strain there easing into something softer and more imploring. “This is what people do when they’re in—”
She held up a finger, another sudden warning for him not to say the thing she wasn’t ready to hear. “I know.”
He loves me. He loves me.
How long have I been waiting for someone to say that?
Only now, I don’t want any part of love.
Love meant leaving her family. Not seeing her parents, sister, or niece for long periods of time. Dealing with his dad, alone, because no one she knew would be around to help. Her small taste of this big intimidating world grew increasingly frightful, and what had Chip said about settling down and getting married? That he was a long way off wanting that. So what changed? And where did that leave her?
Too chicken to ask. That’s what!
Her eyes pulled wide, and her cheeks felt overly cold, once more she fought like hell to never again appear desperate and clingy. His lips spread into a small and knowing smile, perhaps seeing the humor in her evasion. So many had described her as “sunny,” but this guy shone in his own way, like he only ever let things bother him to a manageable degree. Meanwhile, she fought against scenarios that often didn’t even exist… to the point of complete and inescapable confusion.
He took hold of her hand and kissed the fingertip she’d tried to silence him with, the slow, intentional gesture speaking volumes. That he was everything she hadn’t known she’d wanted. Or needed. And while she twisted through each thought and worry, he merely accepted each one as a simple fact of life.
As if to catch her concern, he scooped her into his lap and unleashed a torrent of playful kisses all over her face, shifting the weight off this moment. She laughed and wriggled in his hold, all while his father’s sentiments seeped into her body and mind.
Here in Boston, she and Chip had painted a near-perfect picture of what life together would look like, the biggest downside being that Chip would give up everything to be with her. So a pretty damning flaw, really.
And yes, he did share more with his father than he wished to acknowledge. She could see Chip one day regretting her chaotic, overly idyllic, sometimes immature, nature. That these early moments of joy hadn’t been worth his professional and intellectual sacrifices.
So for all her wishes of love, maybe love wasn’t meant to be so complicated. So full of sacrifices. And as much as she’d come here thinking she’d gain enough insight to make a choice, she had no real choice at all.