Chapter 40
Forty
Chip pushed another cardboard moving box into the trunk of the borrowed Hyundai Tucson parked outside his father’s house. With an hour left to return the small SUV to Jamie, he didn’t have much time to stop and think, and still, he did—uncharacteristic rage continuing to churn within.
His thoughts caught on the day Ally fled from Boston. More precisely, his dad’s refusal to stop her. That he could have at least woken Chip so he could catch up to her. Or even just not lie about her going sightseeing. Then again, all those options would have hampered Chip’s success, and his dad simply could not have that.
Get real, none of that would have stopped her from leaving.
He growled to himself and slammed the trunk closed with a firm thunk , then turned for the house again in pursuit of more boxes. For the first time in his life, emotion took over while daily bitterness and ruminating overrode basic sense.
Even though his dad viewed Chip’s packing endeavors from his favorite armchair in the living room, Chip ignored him and strolled on by.
Whatever his dad felt, it wasn’t grief over his youngest child moving. No. His dad wouldn’t know what grief was. The man having failed to show any anguish in the wake of his divorce.
Meanwhile, Ally and I were together for mere weeks, and her absence hurts more than anything I’ve experienced.
He reached the stair’s top landing and went straight to his room, nothing left of his belongings beside one large box and a sports bag packed with clothes. He’d be at Greg’s apartment soon enough. Maybe not as glamorous or big as this house but far friendlier with more room for independence. He’d stay for a few weeks, make decisions on a few new opportunities in town, then settle on a permanent home elsewhere.
Though the sports bag weighed heavy on one shoulder, he aimed for a short and final journey downstairs, adding to his burden by hefting the last box in his hands too. Very soon, this part of his life would be over forever.
He should have left right away. Shouldn’t have cared about rushing his escape. But once again, he paused. This time to take one slow and sweeping glance of his room.
Ten years of memories here. Not all bad, but not amazing either. A room that had kept him far from the girl destined to become the woman he loved. The woman others had suggested would be lucky to have him. A woman to show him he’d been the one lacking and fortunate all along.
And she’d unceremoniously dumped him. Of course, she had.
A deep heat filled the space under his ribs, prodding him to think over what coming to this city would have been like for her. To enter this home. To meet his father. To attend an event surrounded by his peers.
As much as he wanted to blame her for not trying hard enough, truth was, she had tried. She’d tried more than him. She’d pushed past her comfort zone, then pushed right back when none of it fit. Fight over. Decision made. He wasn’t enough.
He slammed his eyes shut and bowed his head, lowering the box to press his fingers to the bridge of his nose. All those times he’d bowed to the pressure of justifying her presence in his life when his affection for her alone should have been enough.
He’d sat beside her and hadn’t truly been there for her. For all his supposed perfection, he was the royal screw up here. So yes, he wasn’t enough.
He let out a sigh and abandoned another self-punishing moment to open his eyes. To move on. To pick up that final box again and get the hell out of here. Down the stairs. Gaze pointed forward. Diminishing his dad’s presence in the living room in favor of the front door just yards away.
“Your mother was the first to ask for a divorce.”
Chip stopped, his dad’s voice reverberating through the foyer, somehow breaking and adding to the existing tension all at once. All these years, Chip had been led to believe his dad was the one to end his marriage.
Even though he didn’t know why, box still clutched to his chest, Chip turned to focus on his dad. “You mean, after you cheated on her with Kelly?”
“No, Son.” His dad shook his head, slow and sure. “Long before then.”
His dad’s stare, though unwavering as always, held a weary edge—the lines around his eyes deeper, his skin somewhat gray. And still, years of animosity warned Chip not to mine for more detail. “And you’re telling me right at this moment because?”
He offered a flat stare, suggesting his dad shouldn’t answer, already turning to step away.
“I begged for more time and tried to make things work. We both tried, Chip. We tried until we couldn’t anymore.” Again, his dad’s words held Chip captive, his direct approach often successful at maintaining calm in difficult situations. At gaining people’s instant trust and attention.
But Chip didn’t want to be like most people, and he flicked his gaze to the eminent front door. He’d accumulated enough regret of late and had no way of predicting if or when he’d speak to his dad again.
“If that’s true”—he re-focused on his dad and narrowed his eyes, making it clear he still wasn’t convinced—“why was she so torn apart after you left?”
“You think your mother’s breakdown was all about me?” His dad’s lips pressed into a thin line, his gaze doing an uncharacteristic dip. “Do you know what it’s like to have plans for your life, and no matter how much you grasp at them, they crumble and slip through your fingers?”
Chip frowned, the tight defense in his body melting a little. “I do now.”
He’d vowed to ignore his dad, to move on and out as quickly as possible, but now he lowered the box to the floor and embraced the delay while he worked to reframe a decade’s worth of memories and hard feelings.
With recent experience in how a breakup could be more about circumstance than the couple involved, he strangely related to his dad’s new offering. How could it be that Chip had glimpsed a future he’d wanted so badly, only to now face the impossible task of getting on with life? To never hear from the one he wanted to hear from most. To pretend his heart didn’t live in another state entirely—his woman in Harlow busy painting plant pots, content with the decision she’d made.
Even though she’d also wanted some other ending.
Still, he pushed away from his present issues and returned to gathering more information on his past. “How does Kelly factor into all this?”
“Your mom and I, we wasted a lot of years making excuses for each other. Just trying to make things work.” His dad’s lips bent into a frown, his gaze still low, and his brows pressed into a thick and heavy line above his eyes. Chip had never seen him look so pensive. “If I ever gave you the impression I dislike Harlow, it’s because I do. And I know you think I look down on the people there simply because they’re small-town folk, but that’s not the case. I begrudge those people because they’re the reason we held on so long. That and their preoccupation with gossip and maintaining a social vacuum where no one is allowed to step out of line. Your mom’s family, they had ancient history in that town, with all the expectation and scrutiny that brings. Can you imagine being the newcomer in all of that? Having to maintain the image of a perfect, happy family when you’re anything but? I had no one to turn to or talk to, not without risking everyone else finding out about our troubles. Harlow was a pressure cooker for us. ”
“You’ve never given the impression of someone who wanted to talk.” Even as new understanding seeped through, Chip let out a scoff. “Hell, you made me maintain a greater air of perfection here than when I lived in Harlow.”
His dad’s gaze flicked back up to him, pausing a moment before he replied, “Maybe I went about building some resilience in you in the wrong way.”
“You think?”
“Look, I wanted you to know a few things and a few people before I released you into the world, okay?” He stopped and clenched his jaw, his entire body seeming to tense. “Chip, I didn’t want you to face the same problems I did.”
“What problems?” He gave his dad a skeptical side glare. “I’ve never met anyone more methodical, unaffected, or enterprising.”
“And you also never knew me when I was fresh out of med school, completing my residency at a rural hospital, and building my entire future around the girl I happened to meet at her family’s bar in Harlow.” His expression eased, and his gaze lowered again. “You and Sarah were kids, so I hid a lot, Chip. If I seem unfeeling, if I pushed you hard, it’s because I wanted you to have the steady foundation I didn’t. If I had my wish, it would be that you’ll never know what it is to reestablish yourself later in life, all because you learned too late that being alone is lonely, but being in love and alone is worse.”
Chip’s heartbeat seemed to slow at those words, his muscles turning still and stiff. In love alone? As in, his dad had been the more invested one in his prior marriage?
“Kelly—” His dad’s clear cut tone suggested he read Chip’s thoughts and now sought to piece together the past, free of Chip’s once juvenile interpretation of events. “We’d worked together at the hospital for years, and she’d noticed how reluctant I was to leave at the end of each shift, that hospital being one I’d only ever intended to work at for a year but then couldn’t seem to leave. Not even to go home.” His dad scoffed. “She never pursued me, but she was the first to say I wasn’t doing anyone any favors by holding on. It was my finally moving on that blindsided your mother, all because wanting a relationship to end is a whole other beast to facing down the actual ending.”
Kind of like how Ally had voiced good reasons for the breakup, but then being without her felt the complete opposite of anything good.
“I don’t know what to make of having actual sympathy for you.” As much as he didn’t want to, a slight smile broke past his attempt at a grimace.
“Try being me.” His dad gave a dry chuckle, and Chip couldn’t recall the last time he’d witnessed any expression of humor from this man. “I see you reestablishing links with Harlow and with a local woman, at that, and I see decades of my life jumping out to haunt me.”
Though the statement was said in jest, Chip couldn’t find it in him to laugh. For once, he couldn’t find it in him to be angry either. A sense of unexpected calm washed over him, like he could disagree with his dad, but he could see the concern behind his actions too. “Ally and I aren’t like you and mom.”
His dad’s expression stilled, as though the accusation had him veering from his natural response to heighten any conflict. “But you are from two different worlds.”
His even delivery left an unusual and unarmed space for Chip to say his piece. “We grew up together.”
“Chip”—his dad scrubbed a hand over his face and released a heavy sigh—“I’ve never been one to give dating advice, but if I were to give any, it’s to take a woman at her word. Ally told you to leave. So, save yourself the time and heartache and believe her.”
Chip stood silent for a while, holding his dad’s open and commiserating stare, the whoosh of traffic infiltrating from outside and calling him to tread closer to his destiny.
“We’re different.” The words fell from him again, a little softer and matter-of-fact, more like a self-affirmation.
And come to think of it, he knew nothing of being in love alone.
Ally did love him.
I just never gave her much reason to trust me.
Holy smokes! He blinked, a small frown pulling at his lips because he’d watched his dad and Kelly over the years, and they were different too. Their relationship far more stable and less dramatic than what Chip had witnessed from his parents growing up.
“We are different.” An undeniable strain weighed on his next breaths.
As smart as he believed himself, he’d made one god-awful and bumbling mistake.
He’d believed Ally when she’d insisted he would grow to resent her differences when all he saw in her presence was the light and freedom he missed in other aspects of his life.
“You think so?” His dad eased back in his chair, for the first time in this conversation seeming in his element. “You think I’m wrong about you and your girl?”
Chip shrugged, for once not all that affected by his dad’s doubt. “I know you are.”
A slight, unbelieving smirk curled his dad’s lips, like he knew something Chip didn’t, his ensuing easy chuckle cementing whatever mystery notion ran through his brain. “If that’s true, why are you here and not in Harlow?”