Chapter 19 #3
“My dad found that house. Mom always tells the story, how he saw the listing when he was still—when he was away. She had to look at it without him and walk through every room taking pictures on her phone.” Her jaw worked.
“And the place in the kitchen where they marked our height every year on our birthdays? Gone. Just ripped away, like it was never there.”
I didn’t say anything. There’s nothing to say to that, and twelve-year-olds can smell it when you try.
“Maria doesn’t even remember him.” Luci bit out the words.
“She thinks she does. But she just remembers the videos. She told her friend this story about Dad teaching her to ride her bike and it’s not even her memory, it’s from a video.
It was me. Me he taught to ride a bike. Maria put herself in the memory and she doesn’t even know she did that.
” She turned and looked at me, tears spilling from her eyes.
“Did you hear Maria calling him Dad? He’s not our dad.
And Mom’s changing her name. So now we won’t match.
And we’re moving into this dumb house and everyone keeps saying how happy we all must be and that isn’t it nice that Mark’s such a good provider?
” She made a sound between a laugh and a sob.
“We’re not his to provide for. That was my real dad’s job. And I miss him so much.”
“I know, kid. I do too.”
“Somebody has to still be sad.” She said it simply, like it was obvious she was the only one who was around to do it.
“If everybody just stops being sad, then it’s like he was never even here.
Maria’s got a new dad. Mom’s got a new everything.
So it has to be me. I’m the only one left who … who still remembers who he was to us.”
The wind came up off the water, ruffling our hair and bringing the briny scent of the ocean.
“Luci. Look at me a second.” She did. “Being sad isn’t the same as remembering him.”
“Yes it is.”
“I get that it feels like the same thing. Like if you’re happy or moving on that you’re somehow letting him down.
But it’s not true. I knew your dad like he was my brother.
And his demons were deep. You know that.
But the one thing I know for sure—he loved you and your sister more than anything. He wanted only the best for you.”
“Then why did he leave?”
I let out a sigh. “His demons were strong, kid. They pulled him under. But that doesn’t change how much he loved you. Or you him. He’s still with you. He’ll always be with you as long as you remember him.”
“What if I’m the only one who remembers him? What if I start forgetting?”
“First of all, you won’t. Second of all, I remember him too. I remember everything. Every dumb joke and long story he used to tell. The man could go on and on.”
“Especially if it was about cars.”
“Yes. And you and Maria. I used to tease him because he told me the same stories about you two that I’d already heard a dozen times.”
“Like what?”
“The day you were born. That was a doozy of a story. There was a storm. Trees falling everywhere.”
She smiled for the first time. “Yeah, he loved that story. He said I was so small I fit in his hands.”
I fought the sting of tears in my eyes. “I have a photo of him holding you the day you were born. I’ll find it and send it to you, okay? He sent it to me when you were only about an hour old. You looked like an old man, but he thought you were cute.”
She giggled. “I looked like an old man?”
“Totally. But he didn’t see it. He only saw his baby angel. When he got back from leave, he wouldn’t shut up about you. Constantly showing everyone the latest photo your mom sent. He had them all taped up on his bunk.”
I tapped my temple. “You’re not alone in remembering him because he’s with me too. He’ll always be with me. And I miss him every day.”
Luci started to sob. I put my arms around her and let her soak the sleeve of my suit jacket. When she was done, she looked up at me. “Were you sad? When you were walking my mom down the aisle today?”
“I missed your dad, yes.” I paused, remembering the distinct feeling that Nate was there. “Actually, I felt him there with us.”
“You did?” Luci asked, wiping her eyes with her forearm.
“Yes, there was this moment where I had this weird feeling that he was there, holding me up.”
“Really? That is weird.”
“I know. I can’t share that with anyone but you,” I said.
“I won’t tell anyone.”
“But don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for your mom. Even though I’m sad too. There’s this thing that happens sometimes—when you realize two opposite things can both be true.”
“So you’re happy and sad at the same time?”
“Exactly.”
“I don’t feel at all happy.”
“That’s okay. You don’t have to. But you must remember, your mother loves you very much. Please, try and be kind. Your dad would expect that of you. He was a very kind person.”
“Yeah, he was.”
“Come on, let’s go up and get our photo taken together,” I said. “For your dad. And then, if you think you can handle it, you’ll be in one with your mom and sister and stepdad.”
“I don’t want a stepdad, but I’ll do it. For my dad.”
I gave her shoulders another squeeze. “Then we can have cake.”
We walked back up the trail to the reception. Becca clearly had been waiting for us to come back, because she was not far from the gate.
“Luci.” Becca came forward and Luci fell into her arms. As they embraced, Becca looked over the top of Luci’s head and mouthed a thank you.
“I’m sorry, Mom. This is hard.”
“I know, baby. I’m sorry too.”
“Do you think of him at all?” Luci asked.
“Every day,” Becca said. “I remember so much of the good stuff. And I’m grateful he gave me you and Maria. I see him in both of you all the time.”
“Like how?”
“Maria’s love of sports. Your sensitive nature. Your laugh sounds just like him.”
“It does?” Luci asked.
“Yes, it does.” Becca held out her hand and Luci took it. “Come on, you two. The taco truck’s here.”
“Tacos? Now we’re talking,” I said, following behind them, heart still sore … but better.
Two things could be true at the same time.
The coast road home was dark and the fog was coming in over the headlands in long ropes. I turned music on to keep me company, trying to fight the melancholy that had crept in earlier and seemed inclined to stick around.
Somebody has to still be sad.
Luci.
Breaking a grown woman’s heart is one thing. Doing the same to a child was unforgivable.
Was I playing too loosely with Delphine and Annie’s hearts? Was I setting us all up for heartbreak?
The truth is, I’d run from any hint of love for most of my life. I’d blamed the Navy when I was still enlisted. But now? Was I really ready to give my whole self the way Mark had? Take on someone else’s child? A child who had been through more than her share of tragedy?
What if my feelings for Delphine were just convenient?
We were in each other’s orbits. The last single people in a friend group.
Was that all this was? My yearning to finally settle down?
How did I know if Delphine was the one? And how could I find out without jeopardizing Annie’s well-being?
I could feel her getting attached to me.
Heck, I was getting attached to her too.
If I hurt her, I would never forgive myself.
I would slow down. Not spend every night with her like I had been. Give us time to be really sure.
Was that slowing down or running?
The phone lit up on the passenger seat. Delphine.
She was calling to see how it went. She’d probably waited until she knew I was on my way home.
My instinct was to answer and tell her everything about the wedding and Luci, even my own conflicted feelings.
But that wasn’t fair to her. I couldn’t bring that kind of intimacy to our relationship this soon. Even though I wanted to.
So I didn’t answer. I let it go to voicemail, peering through the fog, that white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel reminding me how alone I truly was.
I had to be sure. But I didn’t know how. How did anyone take such a leap of faith as Becca and Mark had done today? Would I ever be ready?
Whatever the answers, I knew one thing for sure. Annie Delacroix had been through enough. I had to handle her tender heart with more care than I’d ever done anything in my life, which scared me more than anything ever had.