Chapter 21 #2
“You clearly have feelings for Delphine,” Becca said. “I’d hate to see you wreck something that could change your life. For the better, I mean.”
“I do have feelings. Big ones. I’ve never felt this way before,” I said.
“Then why did you tell her you weren’t sure?” Becca asked.
“Because I’m not completely positive I have it in me to be what she wants and needs,” I said.
“And there’s Annie,” Mark said.
“You should have seen Delphine earlier,” I said. “She shut down in a split second. I could see her decision to return to her comfort zone, which is pushing men away. I let her down. I’m not sure I can recover from it.”
“But you want to?” Becca asked.
“I don’t know if I’m cut out for this,” I said. “I’ve made my life simple on purpose. And this is all very complicated.”
“Comes with the territory,” Mark said. “But I can tell you this—it’s worth all the complexities in the world to be with the woman of your dreams.”
I glanced at Becca, who was staring at her new husband with unmitigated love in her eyes. She was happy. Truly happy. To be the person of someone’s dreams? Was there any better feeling than that?
“Why is falling in love so frightening?” I asked.
“Because we’re of the age where we’ve been through some hard stuff,” Mark said. “We know how bad it can hurt if we’re left.”
The truth of that hit me like a boulder to the chest. Not only was I afraid to hurt Annie, I was afraid to hurt myself. Was I sabotaging the relationship out of fear? Convincing myself it was about Annie when it was really about my own insecurities?
“The answer is yes,” Becca said.
“To what?” I asked.
“To the question you’re asking yourself.
You’re ruining things with Delphine before she can ruin you,” Becca said.
“Listen to me now. You lost your best friend—your brother—and it hurt. I know how much it hurt. And he’s not coming back.
No matter how many times you wish you’d done this or that or the other thing differently.
It doesn’t change the truth. We lost someone who was a part of us.
Missing him is a constant ache. I know. But please, don’t let the lesson of his death be about fear—about making sure you keep yourself safe from love.
Because if that’s what he left you, then that’s the biggest tragedy of all.
Please don’t let that be his legacy. Show his girls that it’s okay to move forward. ”
I didn’t know what to say to that. Fortunately, Maria did, as she chose that exact moment to announce that the inchworm had reached the top of the patio wall.
“Come see, come see,” Maria said. “It had so far to go, but it never gave up.”
“And here’s nature, proving my point,” Becca said, laughing.
After I admired the inchworm’s tenacity, I thanked them for being here when I needed them.
Becca walked me out to the car. The night was clear. No fog. Just stars singing from a purple sky.
“Drive safe.” Becca hugged me hard, then held on to the door before I could close it. “One more thing. When you see her, don’t bring just words. You need to prove how you feel through your actions.”
“How do I do that?”
“I don’t know her, but you do. What does she care about? What does she need from you? Whatever that is, give it to her.”
I drove home under the canopy of stars, my car hugging the curves with the caution of a man who had lived four decades and hoped to live another four. Because now, if I could salvage the mess I’d made, I had something to live for. A family.
When I reached a lookout point at the highest point on the road, I stopped and got out of the car.
Below me, waves crashed to shore, the noise carrying up the cliff.
A sliver of a moon hung just above the horizon, like a sly wink.
I sat on the lookout bench and watched the way the waves gathered speed as they approached land, then flattened out at the last moment.
Nate and I had stopped here once, not long before he died. I’d asked him how it felt to be home. He’d said it was an adjustment for all of them. Becca was accustomed to doing things her way. Maria acted like he was a stranger. It was only Luci who seemed truly happy he was home.
“Sometimes I think they’d all be better off without me,” Nate had said. “Like it would have been better if I’d just died over there. They could think of me as a hero then, instead of the waste I truly am.”
How could I not have heard what he was saying? Thinking back, it was obvious what was on his mind. However, I didn’t want to believe it. I’d just wanted my friend to be okay. But he hadn’t been, and I had to live with that for the rest of my life. I’d let him down.
Was that the crux of it all? I thought I wasn’t enough. Pretty soon, Delphine and Annie would realize my inadequacies and leave me behind, proving to myself once and for all that I was not worthy of love. What if I let them down the way I’d let Nate down?
I tilted my head all the way up to take in the stars. They were spectacular up here without competition from city lights. Was my mother up there, looking down at me? Shaking her head at my misguided thoughts?
“What if I let them down?” I whispered, hoping she might hear me.
She did, speaking sternly from her perch in heaven.
Well, then, just don’t. Don’t let them down. Be the man I raised. Stand up and do what needs doing.
My mother, showing up when I needed her.
“Yeah, okay. I’ll do what needs doing.”
As soon as I figured out what that was.