Chapter 11
Eleven
JOSEPHINE
I had a feeling the honeymoon wouldn’t last.
Until now, Zoe has been nothing short of an angel for me. I’m not sure if I’m a novelty, or she’s simply been too distracted and overwhelmed by the change of our environment to kick up a fuss about me, but whatever the case, it’s over now.
“Zoe, please ,” I beg, my throat tight and my eyes burning. We’re standing in the middle of the tree-lined lane that leads back to the chateau. Or, I’m standing. Zoe is sitting on the dusty road, crying her eyes out.
Wincing, I shift the heavy basket of groceries to my other arm and crouch down. “Do you want to hold my hand? We can have a bowl of ice cream together when we get back!”
This offer has absolutely no effect. I didn’t really expect it to, but I’ve officially run out of tools at my disposal and we’ve arrived at bribery. Tears stream down her face, and she rocks back and forth, shaking her head furiously. “ Up !” she sobs, kicking at the road to vent her frustration.
My temples throb. It’s taken us half an hour to make it this far. Trouble began as we were leaving the market, a full load of groceries stuffed in the basket I found in the kitchen. My shoulders were aching before we’d even reached the edge of town. Which was when Zoe requested “up” for the first time.
Normally, I wouldn’t have a problem with that. In fact, I love getting the snuggles. It was probably stupid of me to let her get used to it, but hindsight is twenty, twenty. My explanations of “the basket is too heavy, I can’t lift you too” fell flat, and soon whimpering gave way to a full-blown meltdown, attracting disapproving looks and mutterings from a group of senior citizens that passed us on the road five minutes ago.
Now, my feet hurt, my arms hurt, my head hurts, it’s about a million degrees out, and I’m close to crying too. Ellis won’t be done working for hours, which means he won’t be looking for us. I could try to call him, but with the spotty reception I likely wouldn’t get through, and if I did, what would I say? My job is to take care of her, even when it’s hard. This is the first really tough moment we’ve had, and I can’t just bail out. Zoe needs to know I’m here for her when she’s struggling. I am not a fair weather nanny.
Taking long, even breaths through my nose, I look around and spot a cluster of bushes shaded by a large tree. Marching over, I shove the basket into it and return to Zoe, lifting her into my weak, aching arms. Small limbs loop around me and almost immediately, her crying begins to calm, giving way to hiccups and the occasional little sob. I wish I could let go of my shame and frustration as easily. It’s not her fault, and it’s not mine either, but that doesn’t make the situation any better.
My whole body hurts as the gates to the chateau come into view, but I force myself to keep going, praying Ellis doesn’t spot us through the library windows. My goal is to handle this on my own, get Zoe calmed down, and tell him about it after the fact. Unfortunately, nothing about today seems to be going to plan. No sooner have I made it past the towering iron gate then Ellis steps out of the front door. Even from here, I can see his frown.
“Is everything okay?” he calls as we approach but must be able to make out the look on my face, because I haven’t even opened my mouth to reply before he’s jogging toward us.
I was doing okay. The frustration, shame and exhaustion were bottled up, but something about the sight of Ellis’s concerned frown makes it all come back up.
“I’ve got her,” I assure him, my voice high and strained as I try to hold back the feelings threatening to burst out of me at any moment. He must hear it though, because he ignores me, brow furrowed as he slows to a walk. “She got upset because I couldn’t carry her and the shopping,” I explain, wishing I could get myself to sound normal.
My arms flop to my sides like limp noodles when Ellis takes Zoe from me. He kisses her forehead, frowning. “Do you need some cool down time, mon coeur ?”
As soon as they’re gone, I collapse onto the front steps and bury my face in my arms, trying to get it together before Ellis sees. I don’t want him to think I can’t handle this, because I did . I handled it, and pretty darn well.
The tears have mostly dried on my face when footsteps echo from within the house, stopping just behind me in the open doorway. “I just need a second,” I promise, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. “Seriously, you can get back to work. I’ll be fine.”
“Jo.” A hand touches my shoulder lightly, and my head whips around to find Ellis kneeling just behind me, his expression unbearably kind. “What happened?”
I sniff. “She was probably tired. We played by the stream almost all morning. When it came time to head back home after we went to the store, she wanted me to carry her. We got milk and juice, so the bag was really heavy. It’s not like I didn’t want…” I shake my head miserably.
Ellis sighs and straightens up, only to move forward and sit down beside me. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” I attempt a smile, hating he’s seeing me like this. It’s too much . Being friendly and cohabitating is one thing, emotional vulnerability is another. I’m still tangled up about the other night on the balcony. The last thing I need is to cry all over him. “It’s part of the deal. I knew it could happen.”
“That doesn’t make it any easier,” he states gently. When I don’t respond, choosing instead to stare at my shoes, Ellis nudges my shoulder with his own. “You did great, Josephine. You stayed calm, didn’t you?”
Yeah, I guess I did, but it doesn’t seem enough. “There were these old people, giving us dirty looks,” I admit, my voice thick with hysterical indignation. “As if I wasn’t doing everything I could, and Zoe was being spoiled or bratty, not tired and overwhelmed.”
Ellis is silent for a long time, and when I hazard a look at him, his expression is wooden. Our gazes connect, and sitting this close, I can make out the tiny flecks of silver amidst the pale blue of his eyes. “I wish I could say that nobody’s ever given me that look, but they have. Many times.”
Grief expands inside me as I think of all the times Ellis must have felt like I did on that dirt road, struggling to keep my head and do the right thing for her while Zoe’s emotions rage out of control. The difference is that I could have called someone for help. Ellis has been on his own for years now.
Some of my sadness must show, because the man beside me smiles gently.
“They can think what they like, Jo. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that the little girl in there knows she can count on you. In a year, or two, or five, Zoe won’t remember a few judgmental strangers. She will remember the kind nanny who cared for her when she was living in a strange place, and how calm you were when her feelings were so big she couldn’t contain them.”
My eyes sting with more tears and despite my best efforts, a few of them manage to slip free. “You’re not so bad at the pep talks, either.” My bottom lip trembles as I wipe them away, sniffing. “Thank you. Really. I’ll be okay, now. You don’t have to stay.”
Ellis doesn’t move. “I’ll just sit here for a moment, if that’s okay with you. We don’t have to talk.”
I nod, and even through my misgivings about letting him see me so vulnerable, it’s kind of nice to not be alone. A breeze plays across my skin, ruffling the ends of my hair, and we watch as a cat wanders across the drive, pausing to look at us before continuing on its way.
“Did you find anything cool today?” I ask finally, when my eyes are safely dry and the invisible ropes that constricted around my chest have loosened.
Ellis’s now familiar quiet laugh makes my heart squeeze. “I found multiple cool things. The school is putting rather a lot of trust in me, considering I’m handling tens of thousands of dollars in books every day, unsupervised.”
My lips twitch. “Maybe I’ve been placed here as a spy. To surveil you and make sure you aren’t stealing rare books.”
“That would be very clever.” A quick peek over confirms he’s smiling. “Though, somehow, I can’t imagine you being a particularly good spy.”
“Maybe that’s what I want you to think. So, in reality, I’m excellent.”
“I stand corrected.” He gets to his feet, grinning down at me and then, after a quick glance around, frowns. “Where are the groceries?”
I groan. “Oh, god. I totally forgot. I shoved the basket in a patch of bushes so I could carry her. The milk is done for, but everything else was nonperishable.”
He holds out a hand to help me up, and after the briefest pause I take it, nearly stumbling into his chest with how weak my muscles are. God, he’s so much taller than me. No wonder my arms feel like jelly from carrying his kid around. If the long legs are anything to go by, Zoe will be outpacing me height-wise this time next year.
“We’ll go back out after dinner to get it, or Zoe and I will if you’d like some time to yourself.”
“I’m okay now,” I promise as we walk, side by side, back into the house. I’m tired, yes, but also happy with how I handled this. “Just needed to breathe for a moment. Where is she?”
Ellis nods toward the living room. “I rubbed her back for all of two minutes and she fell asleep on the couch. She’ll probably be out until dinner now. Meltdowns take a lot out of her.”
We pause at the bottom of the stairs, and as I turn to face him, something in the air between us seems to shift. The change is palpable and comes on as suddenly as someone flipping on the lights. One moment it’s not there, and the next…
Neither of us move, waiting for the other to break the spell. Ellis is looking at me, and I’m looking back. The air in the room has grown thinner, or maybe I’ve just forgotten to breathe, because all those very good reasons I have for not throwing myself at this man are nowhere to be found.
It’s so easy to imagine closing the distance between us to wrap my arms around his neck, to drag him down to kiss me, and I know I can’t do it. I know that. But when I suck in a long, shallow breath, trying to steady myself, we’re standing close enough that the scent of him invades my senses, further muddling my thoughts. By now, I’m intimately familiar with the scent of Ellis Delvaux; like cinnamon, coffee and old books. Catching little hints of it when we pass too close to one another in the kitchen or when he takes Zoe from my arms isn’t enough.
I want to be surrounded by him.
It isn’t just a bad idea, it’s catastrophic, but the consequences seem downright unimportant at this moment. Wanting someone this way feels like too much . Whatever is responsible for this pull between us has been there since the beginning, and it’s only getting stronger.
Or I’m just getting weaker.
Ellis steps forward, those intense, pale eyes searching my face and I make a low noise somewhere between whimper and gasp when he lifts his hands to cradle my jaw. He’s in control, tilting my face up, and I know exactly what’s about to happen.
He’s going to kiss me.
I want him to.
Every muscle in my body has gone soft, warmth spreading outward from my core, and when his lips brush over mine in the ghost of a kiss, I feel it everywhere. I don’t realize I’ve reached out until my hands are on his chest and at my touch, Ellis groans deep and masculine and—god— he still isn’t kissing me .
“We shouldn’t,” his voice is an octave lower than usual.
I nod, even as I stand on my toes, stretching to bring our lips together in something more than the unsatisfying phantom kiss. “Ellis,” I plead, and the sound of me saying his name seems to break the tether he has on his self-control.
My back hits the wall at the base of the steps, and then he’s everywhere, his larger body surrounding me, pressing me into the ancient plaster.
“Josephine.” He still doesn’t kiss me. Instead, Ellis’s lips skim over my cheek and down my jaw, breathing me in as though he’s as desperate to gather every piece of me he can. When he finds the soft skin beneath my ear, it takes all my focus to keep myself from crumpling. “There?” he murmurs, his thumb stroking the same place on the opposite side.
I’m putty in his hands, and the quiet, keening cry I make in response is all I’m capable of.
Ellis groans, pressing closer, ensuring I can’t miss the hard length of his cock against my stomach, showing me what I’ve done to him. “You have me aching every hour of the day. Merde , you feel incredible. Please mon amour , let me take you to bed. Let me make you feel good.”
His teeth skim over my pulse point, and a leg slides between mine, giving me the friction I didn’t realize I was craving. Unthinking, I rock against him. My panties are so wet that I glide easily over his hard thigh, my quiet, broken moans muffled by the hand that comes up to cover my mouth.
“ Shhh ,” Ellis murmurs, still busy showering attention on the place below my ear, alternating between worshipful kisses and sucking hard enough to leave a mark. I hope it does. “That’s it. Take what you need from me. That’s a good girl.”
His free hand finds my hip, guiding my pace as I start to grind faster, my swollen clit growing more sensitive with every pass. Vaguely, I know this might be something I regret. I know this is bad, but the why is elusive. I also know it feels really, really good and the need I have for this man wrapped around me seems so much bigger than the reasons I shouldn’t.
My head falls back against the wall with an audible thud. I have no concept of how long we’ve been here, but it doesn’t feel like long, and I’m already shaking with how hard he’s going to make me come.
Before Ellis, I didn’t know what it felt like to be with someone like this or want anyone this much. Now my associations of sex are inexorably tied to him. I tried to fight it, tried to hold on to some shred of self-preservation, and where did it get me? Dry humping his leg in the foyer.
“I need your come, mon amour ,” he pleads, lifting his thigh to increase the pressure on my sex. Seconds later, the hand over my mouth is gone, replaced almost instantly by his lips.
Finally .
There’s no finesse or control to the way we kiss. It’s bruising and messy and— god —so hot. We claw at each other, frantic and out of control. He grinds his erection against my stomach, leaving no question of whether he’s as affected by this as I am. If we were anywhere else, I’m positive I would be naked beneath him by now, and the thought makes my inner muscles tighten, empty and aching to be filled. As one of Ellis’s hands finds its way under my shirt, dragging my bra out of the way to tease and cup my breast, the added jolt of pleasure is all I need.
My orgasm rips through me, as violent and explosive as the incident that brought it on. Ellis’s kiss muffles my cries, and just as I begin to come down, he groans.
“ Josephine .” His forehead drops to my shoulder as he rocks against me in a short, grinding rhythm, his body shaking. It takes me a moment to realize what’s happening, but my body floods with a fresh wave of need as I become aware of the damp heat spreading over my t-shirt.
Then, as the urgency drains away, both of us still.
Did we just…
Through the hormonal fog, the reality of what just happened is setting in, and even as we stay tangled together, our breaths slowing, it’s like cold is spreading through the warm room. My pulse thuds unevenly as we untangle ourselves.
I don’t want to look up, don’t want confirmation of his regret, but I need to know. Sure enough, Ellis is staring at me as though I’m dangerous, as if I’m a bomb that just went off and destroyed all his careful control.
Neither of us speaks.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, not knowing why.
Ellis shakes his head, lifting his hands to scrub them over his face. “No,” he finally says, lowering them to look at me with obvious regret. “That was me. I started it.”
He did start it, but I didn’t say no. Ellis might not want the same things that I do, but it’s quickly becoming clear this attraction is very mutual and it isn’t going to fade away.
This is going to happen again, and again, and if I don’t keep it together, I’m going to end up going home with a broken heart. Ellis has made it clear where he stands, and I refuse to be the girl who thinks she can change his mind. I need to find a way around catching feelings, and fast.
For god’s sake, try not falling for someone when every corner of this property is the most romantic place imaginable. You could get kissed in the hall closet to our right, and it would be a moment worthy of a glamorous black and white film.
It doesn’t help that in the time we’ve been here, it’s become clear Ellis Delvaux is exactly the man I thought he was the first night we met. He’s kind, funny and noble. He speaks like he’s reading from an old English novel and when he looks at me, he makes me feel like all those things I’m insecure about don’t matter quite so much.
I like him— too much —and now, a horrible idea is beginning to develop in my mind, one with about a million pitfalls that I shouldn’t even consider. The longer we stand here, lost in our shock, the more it feels like it’s my only option.
Saying the words seems like a wall that I won’t be able to get past. I must be braver than I realized, though, because when open my mouth—fully expecting to bail out before the first word—I say it .
“We should just have sex.”
Ellis stares at me, obviously taken aback, and it seems to take him a full thirty seconds to process what I’ve just said. “ I’m not sure that’s such a good idea,” he chokes out at last, dragging a hand through his untidy hair.
I swallow, staring back. “Maybe it is a good idea.” I keep my expression impassive, my tone calm and reasonable, even if I’m screaming internally. “It seems kind of silly to pretend we’re not attracted to each other. That night wasn’t an accident and this,” I gesture to the wall we just defiled, “will probably happen again if we don’t come up with some kind of solution. You… You want to, right?”
It’s a little gratifying to see the shock on Ellis’s face, and watch him struggle to compose himself. “I’m ah —” He coughs, looking around, as if someone will walk in and scold us, then edges closer to me, lowering his voice. “I’m not sure I should admit to that.”
I feel myself smile. “You just did.”
He winces. “So I did.”
“I’m just saying,” I continue, “we can approach this two ways. Either we live in mutual, sexually repressed misery for the next six months. Or…” I lift my chin, refusing to look embarrassed. “Or, we could come to an agreement.”
“An agreement?” he echoes flatly, but despite his dubious tone, there’s something darkening behind his eyes.
I nod slowly, savoring the dark thrill that comes from knowing he wants me so badly. “Yes. No strings attached sex. You’re not interested in a relationship, right? So this is the next best thing. You can fuck me, and I won’t expect anything else. I’ll know you don’t want me falling in love with you.”
For the first time since we began this conversation, there’s a flicker of pain in his expression.
“We can have rules,” I press on, “boundaries. Actually, yeah. That would be a good idea.” I nod to myself. “To make it clear that we’re not in a relationship. So the lines don’t get muddled. ”
“Josephine, I—” His words falter. “You deserve a good deal better than me.”
That’s not what I was expecting him to say, and it’s suddenly difficult to swallow. How could he possibly think that? This man is good all the way through. The realization he doesn’t see himself as I do makes my heart ache. It’s not my business, though. He doesn't want me to be his girlfriend, he just wants to sleep with me, and I can be okay with that. I can.
I lift my eyebrows defiantly. “So, you don’t think you could make me come?” His eyes flash. Right at this moment, I’m positive he’s remembering the way I’ve come on his fingers, his cock and now his leg, and is itching to remind me. “That’s what this is about, Ellis. Sex. Just sex.”
He leans back, eyes searching my face, and I can practically hear the thoughts spinning through his mind. Suggesting this was impulsive, but the longer I think about it, the more sure I become that it’s the only solution. We can’t run from each other, or the attraction that is still very alive. Either we can vent that into screwing each other’s brains out, or I’m going to get caught up in all the hopeless longing and desperate hookups, likely developing feelings that would end up hurting me.
Nothing could be a better reminder than the feelings of rejection that will inevitably come every time he fucks me and walks away. I’ll be purposely hurting myself, sure, but it will save me a lot more pain in the long run. No strings attached sex is a vaccination against falling in love with Ellis Delvaux. And, if what just happened is any indication, I need it.
I let out a rocky breath. “Listen,” I begin after the silence stretches for so long that it becomes clear that Ellis is too shocked to form any kind of coherent speech. “I’ll leave my balcony door open tonight. If you decide you want to… well. If you want to discuss it, we can.”