12 Leti
Leti
By seven o’clock, I have five matches.
Five.
That’s four too many for this little experiment.
But Julian isn’t nearly as nonplussed as I am.
He merely leans back against the headboard, wearing that smug smirk that has no business looking so good on him.
It only grows when I can no longer contain my groan.
I hate the way he seems to love tormenting me.
It’s bad enough I thought about kissing him earlier.
His hand holding my phone over our heads, my fist buried in his shirt, our eyes locked on each other’s mouths.
Stupid.
I swear, it took my brain an entire minute to buffer before I answered his question.
Can you try? Try trusting Julian? A guy I barely know but somehow have already dated twice and let into my bedroom to take over my dating apps?
I’m still not sure why I said yes. Or why it felt true the moment the word left my lips.
“Okay.” He sets down the phone and turns over to face me. “We’re off to a good start. I’ll let you pick who we message first.”
“And you’re sure these are people I’ll be interested in?” He barely let me read their profiles before swiping right. Fifteen minutes in, I got bored of staring over his shoulder and grabbed my laptop to start editing a video I have planned to go up next week.
“Not a hundred percent, but I figure this way you can tell me what you think of your matches this round and we can fine-tune the process for next time.”
“Next time?” I blink, trying to figure out why the thought of hanging out with him again isn’t immediately appalling.
I figured this would be a one-time thing where I’d either miraculously find a match I liked or declare this afternoon a massive waste of time.
At no point did I think we’d be making this a regular thing, but I should’ve known better.
“Before we get into the particulars, you might want to check your messages. You…got a text from Bella while I was swiping.” His cheeks redden as he hands my phone back. How uncharacteristic of him. Even the tips of his ears are pink.
I’m about to yell at him for not telling me sooner, thinking she needed my help at the hospital after all, but I’m mortified instead.
Mari’s doing fine, just got discharged with a prescription for an antibiotic. Luis is with me, so please don’t worry about us too much. I hope you’re having fun with Julian on your second date! Or is it technically your third? Bah, I can’t keep track anymore. I’m gonna need details when I get back!
I breathe a sigh of relief that Mari is okay, even as I inwardly cringe that he read the message.
I clear my throat before texting back that I’ll explain more when she gets home and mute my notifications. “Let’s continue.”
“Okay, sure.” He sits up straighter and holds out his hand for the phone, back to business. “Before I start reaching out to your matches—”
“Wait, wait, wait.” I snatch my phone back. “What do you mean you’re going to reach out to them?”
“With your approval, of course. I figured you could use my help in that department too.”
“Excuse me,” I scoff. “I am an excellent text conversationalist, I’ll have you know.”
“I remember—”
“In fact, I’d say I’m better than you.” He raises an eyebrow, but before he can argue, I remind him, “I seem to recall two instances of you giving me the runaround at best, flat out ghosting me at worst.”
“I never ghosted you.” He guffaws. “And before I slipped up, we had good banter. Don’t you dare tell me otherwise.”
We still do.
I tamp down the reply at the tip of my tongue, because lord is that a road I’m not about to go down.
Not now, not ever. Been there, done that twice over and look where it got me.
His eyes flick to my mouth, and I realize I’ve bitten down on my bottom lip to stop the reply from slipping out.
He opens his to say something, then seems to think better of it and shakes his head.
“I figured we could talk a little about what you’re looking for before we move on to the next step. Tell me what’s most important to you in a relationship. You’re not looking for casual, correct?”
“Correct.” I nod. “I’m not a casual kind of person.”
“I figured.” He nods. “So we have to establish what you’re looking for, and make sure the other person is on board. Ask them a series of questions to gauge who they are as a person and how compatible you feel they are.”
“That makes sense.”
“Good,” he says. “Tell me why you’re looking for a relationship.”
I roll my eyes. “Is that really necessary?”
“It is if it’ll help me find the type of person you’re looking for.” He nudges me slightly with his elbow. “Come on. Don’t be afraid to dig deep.”
The problem is, I’m not sure I want to. Dig deep.
I thought I’d have it all figured out by now.
That’s what your teenage years are supposed to be for, right?
And then an extra four years of college to fuck and fuck around before finding the one.
Love, career, family. That’s what adulthood’s all about.
Except, I’ve never quite fit that mold.
But so many of my friends do, even if they did it out of order. Or they have it at least partially figured out, but me? I’m so far fucking behind them it’s not even funny.
“We’ll circle back to that one,” Julian says. He must sense the thoughts storming in my head to backtrack so easily, when up until now he’s pushed further than I would normally allow. “What are the qualities you’re looking for in a significant other?”
“Kind. Nice smile. Similar interests.” I list them off my fingers. “Someone I can have interesting conversations with.”
He opens the Notes app in his phone. Damn, he is taking this seriously. “Anything else?”
“That’s all, for now at least.”
“Okay, that’s a good baseline,” he says. “What about physical compatibility?”
“I’m graysexual. Sometimes it happens, most times it doesn’t for me.” I shrug. “I’m much more interested in romantic compatibility.”
“As a demisexual, we’re in complete agreement.
” He smiles. “Besides, passion fades. And sure, there are always methods to rekindle the spark every once in a while, but it’s not always needed.
Sexual attraction isn’t a guarantee for some couples.
Not even for some people. That doesn’t stop you from falling in love with someone. ”
My heart expands in my chest at his explanation. He gets it. Julian gets it in a way I always hoped Steven would, long before I knew what terms like graysexual and ace-spec meant. In a way I continuously fear the people I date never will.
“I feel the exact same way.” His eyes soften at whatever expression must be on my face, giving away my roiling emotions.
I turn over on my back, hoping that if I don’t look him in the face, I’ll be able to get this out easier.
“But it’s so much harder than I expected to find someone else who does.
I mean, you know. You saw how my last date turned out. ”
“If it helps, she’s an idiot to turn you down for that.”
“It’s not the first time someone has said as much to me, but it still stings.”
He doesn’t respond right away, but his expression gives away something is on his mind.
“What is it?”
“Can I ask you something that doesn’t have to do with helping you?” He turns to better face me. “Or, maybe it will. I’m not sure yet.”
“Sure,” I say. “But I reserve the right to refuse to answer if I’m not comfortable with the question.”
“Fair enough,” he says. “You told her about a bad relationship followed by a terrible first date that made you quit dating. Was I the terrible date?”
I let out a long sigh. It was only a matter of time before he asked me that. “Yeah. You were the terrible first date. But you’re not the reason I quit dating for four years.”
“Why did you?”
“The relationship before, though that’s a generous word for it.” I let out a laugh that’s more of a scoff. “We only went on one official date, but we hung out all the time. He was one of those guys who didn’t believe in labels, and I wanted something more serious than he could offer.”
“That sucks,” he says. “How did it end?”
“I told him I wasn’t attracted to him…sexually.
” My nose scrunches as an image of Steven’s red, angry face burns behind my retinas.
“We were on the quad, and a group of sorority girls were passing behind me when I said it. God, the way they laughed after the words burst out of me. I completely humiliated him. Then he stormed off and I never heard from him again.”
“Oh, Leti.” He doesn’t laugh or crack a joke, which I’m grateful for.
“It was frustrating. I spent weeks wanting to want him that way, but no matter how hard I tried, I just…didn’t.
Then I met you a couple days later and my body lit up like a fucking fire starter.
You know all those cheesy metaphors for sexual attraction—electricity, fireworks? You name it, I finally understood it.”
It’s only once I stop rambling that I realize what I said. Julian’s mouth pops open, eyes wide as saucers, as he stares at me like I grew a second head.
“Don’t. You. Dare.”
“I didn’t say a word.” He doesn’t have to. His face says it all. “Leticia, Leticia. It must be incredibly ironic to be you.”
“Don’t even get me started.” I drop down on the pillow with a sigh.
“I’m not sure how the whole sexual attraction thing works for you, but for me it feels so random.
The only other time it’s happened is with a girl in my writing comp class, and she turned out to be straight so it was a moot point.
It’s not a feeling I’ve ever been able to rely on to guide me toward a romantic partner, you know? ”
“It’s pretty much the opposite for me,” he says. “I have to have an emotional connection with someone first in order for those feelings to grow, but I don’t necessarily have control over who they grow for, if that makes sense.”
“It does.” I nod. “Not sure it would make sense to an allo, but it does to me.”
“Do you ever worry about that?”
“All the time.” I try to shrug, but my voice trembles. “Romantic connection wasn’t enough for Steven. He wanted more, the same way lots of allo people do. And I don’t blame them for wanting what they want. But…sometimes I’m afraid I’ll never be good enough.”
He doesn’t say anything. Maybe he didn’t hear me, and if he didn’t I can take that as a blessing. I’m not sure what I would want him to say to all of that.
Then his warm hand closes over mine. Gently at first, curling around my fingers until our palms touch. He squeezes once, reassuring, and I swear I can feel that same hand squeezing inside my chest. I’m hardly able to breathe past the sudden lump in my throat.
“You’re more than enough, Leticia,” he says. “So much more.”
I only wish I could believe him.