Chapter 9
NINE
MELISSA
I didn’t expect to fall asleep last night, but evidently I did.
Daylight’s streaming through the window, and I have a kink in my neck from sleeping in a chair.
Claire’s still asleep, and she looks comfortable.
Her breathing’s slow and even, and there’s a healthy color in her cheeks.
If it weren’t for the beeping of the monitor, I’d hardly know she was sick.
I glance at the clock on the wall and am surprised to see it’s almost eight-thirty. I don’t think I’ve slept this late since Claire was born.
My earbuds are still in my ears, and my memory skips back to last night, when Luke read me a ridiculous story about a girl and a duke. Part of me wonders if I dreamed it—maybe it was a strange sort of stress reaction—but the memory is too clear for that.
Even after ten years, Luke’s voice was familiar and soothing, and it took me out of myself. He even tried to do a falsetto voice for the heroine’s spinster aunt. Sometimes when I can’t sleep I listen to audiobooks, but this was far more intimate; this was Luke, and he was reading just for me.
Claire’s eyes flutter open, and I rush to her bedside. I want to be the first thing she sees when she comes fully awake.
“Good morning, sweetheart.” She blinks at me with the adorable confusion of a child just waking up. “How are you feeling?”
Claire yawns. “Good, I think.”
There’s a knock at the door, and Luke comes in with the pediatrician, Dr. Markland. He’s changed into scrubs, and there are dark shadows under his hazel eyes. I must have gotten more sleep than he did last night, since he was still reading to me when I passed out.
“Good morning,” Dr. Markland says cheerfully to Claire. “Feeling better? Your vital signs look perfect.”
Claire gives her a drowsy nod. “Yeah. I’m hungry though.”
“Always good news,” Dr. Markland says, as she listens to Claire’s chest. “The rash looks a lot better, too.” She steps aside so Luke can look at the surgical incisions, which he says are healing well.
“I think we can get you out of the ICU today,” Dr. Markland says cheerfully. “And if there’s no more excitement today, probably home tomorrow, if Dr. Carlton agrees.”
Luke nods quickly. “Fine by me. We’ll start a new antibiotic today. It’s from a totally different class than the one you got yesterday, so I don’t expect another reaction.”
When they file out of the room, I follow, hoping for a chance to talk to Luke without Dr. Markland listening in. Sure enough, she heads back to the nursing station and he hangs back.
“I talked to my mom this morning, and she said Liam had a good night,” he tells me quietly, pulling my car key from the pocket of his scrubs. “There’s no rush to pick him up, she can keep him as long as you need. Your car’s on the third floor of the lot, near the elevator.”
“Thanks, Luke. Troy should be here soon, so I can go get Liam.”
Saying thank you seems inadequate after all Luke’s done for me, and I meet his eye, trying to convey the depth of my gratitude.
But he seems to be back to professional mode today, as though he’s just a surgeon and I’m just the mother of his patient.
Gone is the thoughtful, playful man who read me a romance novel until I fell asleep.
“Okay,” Luke says brusquely, before turning to walk away.
I remind myself that we’re in the hallway of the ICU, so he has to keep it professional or people will talk.
When I’m back in Claire’s room, I pull out my phone, and against my better judgment, I tap out a message to Luke.
Me: Thanks again for coming in last night, and for taking Liam to your mom’s. And for reading me to sleep.
Three dots appear, then disappear, then appear again before a reply pings through.
Luke: No problem. It’s my job.
Well, that’s hardly encouraging, and I’m tempted to ask if he reads Regency romance novels to the mothers of all of his patients. Instead, I write:
Me: I wondered if you wanted to meet for coffee sometime, after this is over. To catch up. As friends.
The dots appear again, then disappear, and there’s no reply.
Ten minutes later, a nurse arrives to tell us that Claire’s being moved out of the ICU and back to the pediatric ward. Someone brings her breakfast, toast and sliced peaches, and Troy arrives as she’s tucking into it. There’s no sign of Olivia, so I assume she didn’t come back with him.
I can tell Troy thinks I’ve made a fuss out of nothing, since Claire’s already out of the ICU and eating real food. I can’t worry about it though, and after I give him an update, I leave to get Liam. I didn’t tell Troy who was looking after our son, and he didn’t ask.
Luke’s parents live about twenty minutes away from the hospital, and as I drive, I worry about what sort of reception I’ll get.
The fact that Mrs. Carlton agreed to look after Liam doesn’t mean she thinks well of me.
She’s a family lawyer, and she used to say that children shouldn’t suffer for their parents’ bad decisions.
I’m sure she would have offered to take Liam even if she thought I was a wicked witch.
And if she doesn’t think well of me, I suppose I can’t blame her. I know my own mother thought I was crazy when I broke up with Luke, and it wouldn’t be surprising if his mother thinks the same. All I can say is it seemed like the right decision at the time.
Very few high school couples stay together for the long haul, so the odds were never in our favor.
Luke started university when I was in my last year of high school, but he stayed at Somerset U, which bought us another year together.
I considered staying in Somerset too, but I wanted to do computer science, and Somerset’s program was weak.
I had a crazy idea that I had a future as a tech entrepreneur, and I knew it wouldn’t happen out of Somerset.
So Luke encouraged me to apply to Toronto, which had a great computer science program, not to mention far more opportunities for summer jobs and internships.
Toronto was only an hour and a half from Somerset, so we could still see each other pretty often.
Luke wanted to go to Toronto for medical school anyway, so in three years he would join me there.
Follow your dream, Melissa.
But during the two years we did long distance, my doubts crept in.
I loved Luke with my whole heart, but I never really thought I was a match for him.
He was a star, and I was . . . just average.
Pretty enough, but nothing spectacular. Introverted, and a little shy.
I was bright enough, but I wasn’t finding computer science easy, and it was becoming increasingly clear that I wouldn’t be the next Mark Zuckerberg.
So I kept waiting for Luke to wake up and realize that guys like him didn’t belong with girls like me.
I expected him to meet someone else, someone better—a rocket scientist who woke up looking like an Abercrombie model.
It was only a matter of time before he met a more suitable woman, and he was probably already thinking of a way to let me down easily.
And that fear was confirmed in the spring of my third year, when Luke called to tell me he wasn’t coming to Toronto for medical school.
He had decided to stay in Somerset. Somerset Med was a smaller program, so he’d get to know the professors better, and since there were fewer residents, he’d get more experience during his clinical rotations.
It meant we’d be doing long distance for another couple years, but hey—we had the rest of our lives to be together.
It was a phone conversation I’ll never forget, and after I hung up, I cried for the rest of the night.
I had one year left of my degree, and I planned to apply for a Master’s after that.
The tech field had gotten competitive, and the market was flooded with computer science grads looking for work.
Even with a Master’s, I’d be lucky to get a decent job in tech, and it was very unlikely to happen in Somerset.
I was tempted to give up on the Master’s and move back to Somerset after undergrad, so Luke and I could be together.
My mother encouraged me to come home; surely I could find some sort of job in Somerset, and it didn’t really matter if I earned a good income.
Luke was going to med school, and he would support me.
If I came back to Somerset, he’d probably propose soon.
But even though I wanted to be Luke Carlton’s wife, I didn’t want it to define me.
And unlike my mother, I wasn’t confident that Luke would propose.
The doubt was still there, and part of me still expected Luke to wake up one morning and realize he could do better.
We’d talked about our future together, but it had always been vague, the sort of promises young adults throw around without thinking.
If I gave up my career dream and moved to Somerset to be with Luke, where would I be when he found a more suitable girl? What would I have left?
And the longer Luke and I were together, the harder a break-up would be.
So three days after Luke told me he was staying in Somerset, I called him to say I thought we should end things.
Long distance was rough, and our lives seemed to be heading in different directions.
We were both young, and we needed to focus on our careers.
And hey, maybe if we ever found ourselves in the same city, we could try again.
It was cowardly to do it by phone, and I hated myself for it. But I knew if I tried to do it in person, I wouldn’t be able to do it at all.
And Luke made it easy for me. He didn’t argue or try to change my mind. Didn’t say much of anything, in fact, just that he respected my decision and wished me good luck.