10. Savannah
SAVANNAH
I wake up to my phone buzzing with approximately seventeen text messages, and for a confused moment I think something terrible has happened. Then I remember: I kissed Colin Grant last night, and apparently I told Jess about it.
Jess:
GIRL
Jess:
I NEED DETAILS
Jess:
RIGHT NOW
Jess:
DON'T PRETEND TO BE ASLEEP
Jess:
I know you're awake
Jess:
I can hear you moving around
Jess:
SAVANNAH ROSE MCPHERSON
And then like ten more in similar fashion. I look over at her bed, and she's literally sitting up staring at me with crazy eyes.
"Okay, first of all, that's creepy," I say.
"DETAILS. NOW."
"Can I at least brush my teeth first?"
"You can brush your teeth while you talk."
"That's not how talking works."
"I don't care. I've been waiting for this since you got back last night looking like you'd been hit by lightning."
"I did not look like I'd been hit by lightning."
"You were literally glowing. It was disgusting. I loved it."
I grab my toothbrush and head to the bathroom, mostly to buy myself some time to figure out how to explain what happened without sounding like a complete mess.
"So?" Jess calls through the door.
"So what?"
"So did you kiss him or what?"
"Maybe."
"MAYBE IS NOT AN ANSWER."
"Okay, yes, we kissed."
"AND?"
"And what?"
"AND WHAT ELSE HAPPENED?"
"Nothing else happened. We kissed, we talked, I came back here."
"That's it?"
"What did you expect?"
"I don't know. More drama. A declaration of love. Him sweeping you off your feet."
"This isn't a rom-com, Jess."
"It could be a rom-com. You're cute, he's cute, there's romantic tension..."
"There's also reality."
I come out of the bathroom, and Jess immediately pats her bed like she wants me to sit down for a full debrief.
"Okay, but seriously," she says as I sit down. "How was it?"
"The kiss?"
"Everything. The kiss, the conversation, the part where you finally stopped being a chicken."
"I wasn't being a chicken."
"You were totally being a chicken. But you overcame your chicken-ness, and that's what matters."
"Thanks for that scientific analysis."
"You're welcome. Now tell me how you feel."
"I feel..." I think about it. "Confused."
"Confused how?"
"Like, happy confused? But also terrified confused?"
"That sounds about right for the beginning of a relationship."
"We're not in a relationship."
"You're not not in a relationship."
"What does that even mean?"
"It means you kissed him and you both admitted you like each other, so you're definitely something."
"But what kind of something?"
"The kind you figure out by spending more time together and talking about it."
"What if we talk about it and realize we want different things?"
"What if you talk about it and realize you want the same things?"
"Stop doing the thing where you answer my questions with questions."
"Stop asking questions that you're only asking because you're scared."
Jess has this annoying way of being right about things, even when I don't want her to be.
My phone buzzes with a text, and I grab it way too eagerly.
Colin:
Good morning. Sleep well?
Me:
Eventually. You?
Colin:
Terrible. Kept replaying last night.
Me:
Good replaying or bad replaying?
Colin:
Definitely good replaying.
I'm smiling at my phone like an idiot, and Jess immediately notices.
"That's him, isn't it?"
"Maybe."
"It's definitely him. You have your Colin texting face."
"I don't have a Colin texting face."
"You absolutely have a Colin texting face. It's like a combination of happy and dreamy and slightly nauseous."
"I don't look nauseous."
"A little nauseous. In a cute way."
My phone buzzes again.
Colin:
Want to grab coffee before class? I have news.
Me:
Good news or bad news?
Colin:
Good news. I think.
Me:
You think?
Colin:
I'll explain at coffee. Same place?
Me:
See you there.
"He wants to get coffee," I tell Jess.
"Of course he does. You're probably going to be one of those couples who gets coffee together every day."
"We're not a couple."
"Yet."
"Ever, maybe."
"Doubtful."
I get dressed in record time, which is embarrassing because it means I'm excited to see him. Which I am, but I don't need to be obvious about it.
"Try not to overthink everything," Jess calls as I'm heading out.
"I don't overthink everything."
"You overthink literally everything. Just go with it for once."
"Go with what?"
"Go with liking him. Go with him liking you. Go with seeing what happens instead of trying to control what happens."
"That's terrifying advice."
"The best advice usually is."
I walk to the coffee shop trying to follow Jess's advice about not overthinking, but my brain immediately starts spiraling anyway. What if Colin's "good news" is actually bad news? What if he decided last night was a mistake? What if he wants to be friends again?
What if I'm about to get my heart broken by a boy I've liked since I was fourteen?
I find Colin at our usual table, and he immediately stands up when he sees me, which is either really sweet or really formal, and I can't tell which.
"Hey," he says.
"Hey yourself."
"You look pretty."
"I'm wearing jeans and a hoodie."
"You look pretty in jeans and a hoodie."
Okay, that's definitely sweet, not formal.
"So what's the news?" I ask as we sit down.
"Coach moved me to the third line."
"Colin, that's amazing!"
"I know, right? I mean, it's still not first line, but it's progress."
"It's huge progress. You've only been playing for like three weeks."
"Exactly. And I think... I think part of it is because I'm finally playing like myself again."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I'm not overthinking every play. I'm just playing hockey because I love it, not because I'm trying to prove something to everyone."
"That's great."
"And I think part of that is because of you."
"Me?"
"Yeah. Like, having someone believe in me who isn't my parents or my coaches... it helps."
"Colin..."
"I'm not saying you're responsible for my hockey success or anything. I'm just saying that you make me feel more confident."
"You make me feel more confident too."
"Really?"
"Really. Like, I never would have had the guts to come to your room last night if you hadn't made me feel like maybe I was worth taking a risk for."
"You're definitely worth taking a risk for."
We're both smiling now, and I realize this conversation is going in a really good direction.
"So," I say. "What are we doing?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, are we dating? Are we just friends who kiss sometimes? Are we figuring it out?"
"What do you want to be doing?"
"I want to be figuring it out. Together."
"That sounds perfect."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. No pressure, no definitions, just... seeing what happens."
"I can work with that."
"Good, because I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to relationships."
"That makes two of us."
"We can figure it out together."
"I like the sound of that."
My phone buzzes with a text, and I glance at it automatically. It's from Madison.
Madison:
OMG did you see Derek's snap story? Drama in the group chat.
I have no idea what she's talking about, but I also don't really care because I'm sitting here with Colin, and he just said he wants to figure out a relationship with me.
But then I realize Colin's looking at my phone too.
"Sorry," I say, putting it face down. "High school friend. She's always texting about drama I don't care about anymore."
"It's fine. Do you miss it?"
"Miss what?"
"High school. Your friends from home."
"Sometimes. But not as much as I thought I would."
"Why not?"
"Because I like who I'm becoming here. In high school, I was just Coach Mac's quiet daughter. Here, I'm actually doing things I care about."
"You were never just Coach Mac's quiet daughter."
"To most people I was."
"Not to me."
"You barely knew I existed."
"That's not true."
"Colin, you literally didn't recognize me when we sat next to each other in Biology."
"Okay, that's true. But I was an idiot eighteen-year-old boy who was completely focused on hockey."
"And now?"
"Now I'm a slightly less idiotic eighteen-year-old boy who's still focused on hockey but also focused on other things."
"Other things like what?"
"Other things like you."
"Smooth."
"I have my moments."
"Apparently you do."
We end up staying at the coffee shop for two hours, talking about everything and nothing.
About his family pressure and my trainer responsibilities and what we want to do after college.
About stupid stuff like our favorite movies and whether pineapple belongs on pizza (it doesn't, and I will die on this hill).
It's easy in a way I didn't expect. Like we've been doing this forever instead of figuring it out as we go.
"I should probably get to class," I say finally, realizing it's almost 10 AM.
"Yeah, me too."
"This was nice."
"Really nice."
"Want to do it again tomorrow?"
"Definitely."
As we're walking out together, Colin reaches for my hand, and I let him take it. It feels natural and right and like something I want to keep doing.
"Savannah?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm really glad you came to my room last night."
"I'm really glad I didn't chicken out."
"Me too."
We part ways outside the coffee shop, and I'm walking to class with the biggest smile on my face. Jess is right—I should stop overthinking and just go with this.
Because this feels really, really good.
My phone buzzes with a text from Colin.
Colin:
Already looking forward to tomorrow's coffee.
Me:
Me too.
Colin:
Is it weird that I miss you already?
Me:
Yes. But I miss you too.
Colin:
Good. I was worried I was being too clingy.
Me:
You're not being too clingy.
Colin:
Good, because I was about to text you again in like five minutes.
Me:
Feel free. I like hearing from you.
Colin:
This is either going to be really good or really bad for our productivity.
Me:
Probably really bad. But I'm okay with that.
Colin:
Me too.
I put my phone away and realize I'm practically floating to class. This is what it feels like to like someone who likes you back. This is what it feels like to stop being scared and start being happy.
And I really, really like it.