Chapter 14
14
ISAAC
Joe’s train arrives at seven on the dot and yes, it’s been a week since I last saw him, but the few minutes he takes to exit the station take even longer.
Luke’s trauma response list plays on an internal loop while I wait, only I don’t feel a single urge to fight the man who emerges from the station entrance to scan the car park. As for flight, I’m more in danger of running to Joe rather than away. He stands still while other travellers part around him, a rock unmoved by their tide. I still make myself stay right where I am, leaning against the side of my van, one boot braced against a tyre, but so much for playing it cool. As soon as Joe spots me, seagulls swoop in my belly.
I can only hope he doesn’t notice as he gets closer, but maybe he does.
Joe stops again a good few feet from me. He sounds relaxed, yet I’m pretty sure him setting down his bag to thrust both hands deep into his pockets is a sign that he isn’t. “No worries if you changed your mind.”
I straighten up. “About?”
“Seeing me again.” He doesn’t quite make eye contact. “It’s happened before.”
“What do you mean?”
He shrugs. “Just that I’ve turned up to restaurants only for my date to pop to the bathroom and never come back. Or met someone clubbing who dances away the minute the lights come on.” He pulls a hand free and studies the back of it while sounding casual. “It’s no big deal. I can eat or dance alone.” I think he aims for joking. “A bang in the dark is one thing, right? Candlelit conversation is another, but I get it. And people are allowed to change their?—”
I don’t wait for him to finish and I stop aiming for cool by taking the few steps left to grab his bag, then take his hand with my free one and pull. “That’s their loss.”
The van hides a kiss I only mean to be quick. It’s fierce instead and maybe he’s as dazed by it as me to sound this husky. “You look so fucking good.”
I grin. “I’d say the same, only...” He freezes until my knuckles brush a brown stain on his shirt front, and I sniff. “Hot chocolate? You’re meant to drink it, not wear it.”
Just like that, he relaxes. “This?” His own knuckles brush the same stain. “It was courtesy of my last court client. Occupational hazard. Angry kids and hot drinks really don’t go together.”
I can’t help firing a sharp question. “How hot?”
Who knew that two little words would turn him to butter. His gaze melts. “Not hot enough to burn me. And Kwasi wasn’t trying to hurt me on purpose. He was frustrated, that’s all. Just a kid who was pleased one minute at getting to add whipped cream and marshmallows to his drinks order, then wrecked at what he’ll face soon. I don’t blame him for reacting. Better he loses his shit with me rather than during his trial. Was hoping to strip his fears away by looking around the court with him while it was empty. Almost made it inside. Then this happened.” He touches that stain one more time. “And what I actually meant to say was that it’s really good to see you.”
“You, too.”
He drops his hand from his chest. I can’t. Not yet. I standin the shadow of my van, pressing both palms to his breadth. He’s so solid, so warm, and I’m even warmer when he asks after my brother.
“Where’s Lenny?”
The last time he asked that, I heard accusation. Now all I hear is care. “He’s at the boarding house. It’s movie night. I left him glued to Tor’s side, but he wants me to tuck him in later. Made me promise I’d be back in time, but I don’t think it will be too long until I’m completely redundant. He’s already refused to move into the staff rooms Luke allocated. Look.” I dig out my phone. “Ruth just sent this. I’m never gonna get him to move into the stables with me.”
“Stables?”
“Yeah. Converted ones. More like a little cottage. A home just for us.” It’s all I wanted for so long, but I can’t be mad at Lenny for dragging his feet. I show Joe what Ruth sent me, and he cradles my phone, hands curled as if around something precious.
“Now that’s a smile.”
“Isn’t it? I sent it to Mum. Hope she gets to see it.” It’s impossible to tell what will make it through the prison screening process. “He’s settled in so fast.” I have to be honest, even if it dims Joe’s own grin. “But he isn’t quite there yet, so I really don’t have too long until I’ll have to head back, and I didn’t tell him you were coming. Couldn’t risk rocking his boat at bedtime. You’ll be busy with Noah tomorrow at his farm, so Lenny wouldn’t get to see you?”
He nods. He also looks around before touching me again. Only with a single finger that he uses to tilt my chin up to meet his eyes while he also gets honest. “But I could be here for a while soon. I mean, I do need to focus on Noah and his family this time, but I have a decent length gap in my court schedule coming up, so I?—”
“Sent Luke some kind of proposal?”
This smile is smaller and comes with forehead furrows. He’s worried, like Luke was, about the same subject. “Yeah. The bones of a proposal, at least. I wondered if he’d give you a heads-up. I said he could if he wanted. That I wouldn’t mention it at all if he sent back a flat no. He didn’t reply yet, so…”
“Here you are with ideas about how to stick around.”
I could get used to seeing Joe’s smile widen and to hearing him admit, “Kinda want to finish what I started. What we started, Isaac. See where it goes.” He repeats his last text to me. “No pressure.”
I exert some pressure of my own until we’re back in the position I’m starting to think I was built for. He’s perfectly on my level. We’re eye-to-eye and closer than two men usually get in public unless they’re sparring. I don’t even try to fight this feeling. “How about you tell me what you’re planning?”
Joe nods, then he stops and starts, stuttering over plans that could bring him back for longer. He rolls his eyes at himself and huffs, “Such a fucking wordsmith. I’ll need to do better in front of your boss.”
I laugh. I can’t help it at seeing Joe flustered for a first time. Those seagulls in my gut swoop again at him wanting to convince Luke so much that he stutters. I grin the whole way through his explanation.
“A programme of workshops with guest speakers is just an idea. A good one, I think. But I told him I’d forget it if it got in the way of you and Lenny preparing.”
My grin slips. “Preparing?” Every single seagull plummets. “You heard something?”
“Only that wheels have started to turn. Listen to me, yeah?”
I always did. Now I do that even harder.
“You two deserve a chance to catch your fucking breath. I’m not getting in the way of that. I’ll only flesh out my plans for Luke if having me around works for you.”
I don’t care if anyone sees us. They can fucking fight me. I have to kiss him again, it’s that plain and simple. So is telling him what I want next. “Get in the van.”
I don’t slide the side door open for something hot and hurried this time, although I’m pretty sure that’s where this is headed when he gets in the front with me and speaks up over the coughing rattle of the engine. “I’ve got a room at a pub not far from here in Porthperrin.” His hand finds mine on the gearstick. “How long have we got?”
Not long enough.
That hits hard once we’re outside a pretty harbourside pub with a perfect view of a sunset over sparkling water. It’s rustic inside. Romantic, I guess, once I spy tables for two in the dining room while waiting for Joe to check in.
He returns with a room key dangling from his fingers. “We’ve got an hour, yeah?”
I nod. Sixty minutes should be just long enough to take the stairs up to his room, then get him wet and naked in a bathroom until all that hot chocolate is rinsed off. We’d need to hurry like last time. I stare at his hand, locked in on that dangling room key, and I almost suggest that quick repeat until he slides his hands into his pockets.
He hides them from me. Hides the scars he told me potential dates would dance away from. I can’t help making a different suggestion. “Have dinner with me?”
He blinks. “You want to eat?”
I nod firmly.
Joe still blinks as if waiting for a catch.
I cross my heart. “Promise I won’t say I’m going to the bathroom, then leg it.” It’s worth joking when he laughs.
I like that sound. Like too that the table we’re shown to has both a candle and a view over all that sparkling water. Most of all, I love that he’s suddenly shy, a side of him I didn’t expect from someone who spoke up for me so often in meetings. Now he’s silent.
Because he doesn’t usually get to do this.
Neither do I.
We sit in quietness broken by menus arriving and by Joe tripping over telling the waiter, “My, uh... my date doesn’t have long. What’s quick?”
I find my voice once we’re alone. “Sorry about that.”
“About having to get back? Don’t be. This is...” He focusses on the candle between us. “This is good. Really good.” He snorts. “Just not what I expected.”
“Because you thought I’d bundle you into the back of the van, bang you in the dark, then race off to go clubbing without you?”
He laughs, and that’s even better. “Race away? No chance. Not in that old Transit. My dad could sort that engine knocking for you.”
“Yeah? How come?”
“Because he’s a traffic squad technician. Was, I mean. Retired now, but there wasn’t a vehicle he couldn’t fix. Even started a club to teach kids basic motor repairs, and…”
He pauses for so long I have to ask, “And?”
“And I just realised that what I’m planning is a carbon copy of what he did.” He chuffs out a laugh. “He’d never believe I listened hard enough to learn anything from him, let alone turn it into a workshop series.”
“You didn’t get along?” Joe is quiet for so long that I speak again. “I don’t even know my dad.”
“No?”
“Nope. All I really know is that he had a temporary place at the same care leavers’ unit as Mum. For older teens, you know, who are about to leave the system? Oh, and that he wasn’t as white as her.” I find a photo of Mum on my phone to show Joe how our skin tone differs.
He only seems to notice what I do share with her. “Look at that smile. There’s no mistaking you two are related.” I must model that smile for him. “There it is,” he says softly.
I slide my phone away, aware my cheeks have heated.
“Keep going,” he murmurs. “If you want to.”
I do. “Mum said that by the time she realised I was on the way, she couldn’t trace him. These days it would be different. Everyone is on social media, yeah? And she says not all kids who grow up in care turn into romance addicts like her. It was just that until him, she never had anyone of her own. To love, I mean.”
“Or to be loved by?” Across the table from me, Joe demonstrates a different kind of care than Mum said she had ever experienced until sharing a single night with my father. He’s sympathetic. Interested. And so, so gentle. “At least she’s a romance addict who got a happy ending.”
I must look blank.
Joe continues. “Because she got you.”
He isn’t joking. I’d hear it if he was. The waiter coughs to let us know he’s back with what turns out to be a tasting menu.
“Small bites for people in a hurry,” he tells us. “You’ll have to pick your favourites. Take longer over them on your next date.”
He leaves us, and I expect Joe to tuck in. He spoons servings onto my plate instead, and murmurs again. “She got you, Isaac. Sounds like a happy ending to me.”
It’s my turn to cough then. I need to in order to speak clearly. “I have no idea how she did it. She didn’t have anybody. Leaving care is different these days. Supported. She wasn’t. Didn’t have a family to help. I couldn’t have looked after a kid at seventeen.” It’s hard enough now. I take a bite of something smoky and delicious before admitting, “When I was seventeen and putting together my first uni application, she was thinking about applying too. Not to go to the same place as me, but she said it felt like her life was about to get started all over again, then boom. Lenny.”
“So neither of you went?”
I flash a quick look his way and nod. “Only because she almost lost him. Then she was pretty ill after. She couldn’t work for a while, so?—”
“You stayed and worked instead until Lenny started school?” His voice pitches lower. “I’m still hoping you all get a happy ending, mate. That you get her home safe and sound with every charge dropped.”
I keep my eyes on my food, sure if I look across the table, I’ll see more sympathy than I can deal with. Eating is hard while I’m choked. I finally manage to ask, “You really believe in those?”
“I have to, for kids. Not sure Dad does since this happened.” I’m aware that Joe sets down his fork to hold a hand up, studying his own skin like in the station car park before he clears his own throat. “That’s when he stopped his motor repair club for kids. Pretty sure he thought it was all pointless after he tried to teach me to stay on the straight and narrow but I chose not to listen.”
He raises his hands again, only this time he balls his fists like I saw on a beach my first night here, then drops them to his lap.
“He’d never believe that I kinda want to copy what he taught in that club. Dad could tell what was wrong with an engine just by listening. I know what a different kind of trouble sounds like when it’s coming for kids. What dealers will say to make them feel like big men, and what gang-recruitment lies sound like. And I can help kids recognise it so no one gets a chance to fuck them over.”
“How?”
Joe lists more workshop ideas between bites of great food beside an even better view of a Cornish sunset. It’s me he pays attention to as if I need convincing.
I pay attention to my own dinner and tell him, “Stop worrying that I don’t want you. Here, I mean.” By the time I look up, he’s grinning like he knows how much I meant that first sentence. And fuck, he always looked good to me, but this happy version who runs a hand through his hair means I don’t see anything but him. Joe. Someone I always wanted.
I also see an action replay of him on his knees for me, my hand in his hair, and him all but purring for me.
I want to touch him like that again. Need him to make that soul-deep rumble for me. Can’t wait to hear it and to be its motivation. It’s just as well the waiter brings more dishes. Spooning tiny desserts into Joe’s bowl means I get to make my own confession without looking at him.
“And you can stop worrying about Luke. He’s gonna say yes, because I’ll tell him that I’m more than okay with you coming back to stop kids from getting?—”
I can’t find the right word.
He does.
“Manipulated?”
I meet his gaze. It’s steadier than I sound. “Want me to be part of it? To tell the students what happened when Mum fell for the wrong person for a third time?”
“I…” His hesitation feels like him treading carefully. I can almost picture the edges of the crater left by whichever top boy gave the order to blow up my family. Joe sighs and the candle flickers. “I… I hadn’t planned on asking you.”
All my seagulls plunge once again until he reaches across the table. His touch to my chin is light but persistent, and I meet his eyes again. “Isaac, you were on my mind the whole time I was planning. Dad couldn’t stand to be around me when I followed the herd instead of what he taught me. Can’t think of a better example of someone who did the exact opposite.”
Joe takes a last sip of water, then pushes his chair back, and our dinner date is almost over. He speaks quietly but it still drums right through me. “You’re way stronger than I was.”
I carry that all the way back to the car park, Joe matching me step for step, and I have no idea if anyone is around to see me kiss him goodbye.
I don’t care if anyone stares. Can’t. His mouth is so soft for a hard man. So sweet, and not because he’s still chocolate scented.
He covers that stain as if only now remembering. “I should have got changed before dinner.” Seagulls cry but not loud enough to drown him out. “Didn’t want to waste a minute with you.”
I get in the van and wind down my window even though I don’t have time to hang around if I’m gonna keep my bedtime promise. I can’t help asking, “What will you do now?”
“Work. I need to prepare for tomorrow. Got a whole folder of new info to look through for the Luxtons.” He rubs the back of his neck again. “Would have read through it all on the way down. Couldn’t concentrate.”
“Train too noisy?”
“Nope. My brain was. Too busy thinking about seeing you again.”
He backs away from the van, and I’m as reckless as my little brother. I lean out to call after him. “Sorry I had to cut it short. London’s a long way to come for an hour.”
“I wouldn’t say no to longer.” It’s too early to see stars. I do the moment he adds, “Still wouldn’t have missed a minute of this.”
I bet my van coughs all the way back to Glynn Harber. But if it does, I don’t hear it.
I hear Joe on repeat instead, and Ruth must notice—the minute Lenny is tucked up after his story, and she’s settled in the living room like usual, she eyes me over her stack of marking. “You’re pacing.”
I can’t deny that. I can’t sit still either. I flick through Lenny’s book, returning to an inscription.
See you soon!
That’s what I want, and Ruth must notice. “You know I’m not going anywhere, right? As long as you’re back before the gates lock for the night, I’ll listen out for Lenny.”
“When do they lock?”
“Eleven.”
It’s nine now, and Joe still has work to do. Will probably be busy reading through that folder he mentioned. I still snatch up my keys and pray my van will make the half-hour drive back to a pretty fishing village.
Thank fuck I saw that room key he dangled. I knock on the door sharing its number, and Joe swings it open. He’s still in that stained shirt. The papers spread on the bed behind him almost stop me from speaking. His surprised smile gets me talking.
“You said you wouldn’t say no to longer.” I wet suddenly dry lips. “How does another hour sound?”