Chapter 7
The ride back to the bus in Jacksonville seemed interminable, but Dmitri wasn’t sure if he wanted the driver to go faster or slower.
The uncertainty of not knowing what Andre was going to say and whether it would be good or bad made his stomach churn with anxiety.
Not knowing what to expect had him far more unsettled than he normally was, and he didn’t care for the feeling one bit.
The fact that there wasn’t any way to help just added to his mounting discomfiture.
Everyone was quiet during the entire ride, and Dmitri hoped they were asleep, rather than feeling bad for their untimely interruption of that incredible kiss.
A part of him had wanted to yell at them and let out his frustration with their breaking of that perfect moment, but he’d managed to restrain the urge.
It wouldn’t do much for band unity if he had given in and shouted his anger at them.
But things in the van felt brittle, and he knew the others well enough to realize how guilty they would feel for what had, no doubt, to them, simply been lighthearted teasing.
Beside him, Andre was quiet, but he wasn’t sleeping — a fact Dmitri confirmed with the occasional sidelong glance.
He sat with his arms crossed, apparently lost in thought, although in the shadows, Dmitri couldn’t tell if they were good thoughts or bad ones.
Only the fact that Andre had kept his seat next to Dmitri for the ride back gave him any hope that things weren’t completely fucked.
No doubt Andre was having second and probably even third thoughts about that kiss, but Dmitri wasn’t.
He’d always known that he wanted Andre, and the earth-shattering kiss had only confirmed the way he’d always imagined it would be between them.
He wasn’t sure he could pretend it had never happened and just go back to being a supportive friend and bandmate even if Andre asked him to.
That was a sobering thought. If Andre didn’t want a relationship, could Dmitri control his disappointment and longing, or would he need to leave the band to regain some measure of peace?
The idea tormented him for the entire ride back to their bus.
It was very late, and the parking lot of the concert venue where they’d parked was dark and quiet. The bus the crew occupied, as well as the equipment trailer, were parked nearby, all of them plugged into shore power rather than running on generators.
“‘Night, everyone,” Kris said as she picked a sleeping Jo up from her seat and carried her toward the band bus. Kit and Luka murmured their own goodnights as they got out and quickly boarded in Kris’s wake.
Dmitri unfastened his seatbelt and left the van.
Andre lingered for a moment or two before following him out.
The van drove away, and Dmitri and Andre were finally alone, facing each other in the darkness, apparently neither of them knowing how to begin.
At last, Dmitri couldn’t stand the silence that stretched out between them. He shook his head. “Look, if you don’t want to do this tonight, Dre, we can just head in and talk later. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable with me, okay?”
“No!” The word seemed torn from Andre, and he reached out an apologetic hand toward Dmitri. “I mean, thanks, but I need to get this out or I never will. Secrets become a habit, you know?”
Dmitri nodded. “Yeah, I understand.”
Andre seemed to hesitate, but then he finally released a heavy sigh. “Can we walk? I think it’ll be easier for me.”
“Sure, Dre. Anything that helps.”
He walked by Andre’s side as they wandered aimlessly around the big, empty lot. It took a couple of minutes, but finally, Andre began to speak.
“My life is kind of a mess,” he admitted quietly. “It’s hard to know where to begin. But I do want you to know. I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time, but I guess I was afraid. Not just of consequences, but of what you’d think of me.”
“I couldn’t think badly of you.” Dmitri sensed that Andre needed reassurance.
No doubt things weren’t nearly as bad in reality as Andre had built them up in his head.
Not only could secrets become habit, as Andre had said, but they could also grow and grow in the mind until they assumed gargantuan proportions, seeming far more dire than they actually were.
“Whatever it is that’s bugging you, I know you, Andre. You’re a good person.”
“Am I?”
Andre stopped, looking at Dmitri, though it was too dark for Dmitri to see his expression.
“Yeah, you are.” Dmitri shrugged. “I have no doubt that you’re like the rest of us.
You feel guilty about some things, many of which are probably out of your control, yet they prey on your insecurities.
Like everyone who isn’t a self-absorbed narcissist, you probably blame yourself for things you consider weaknesses or shortcomings.
I do it, too. I just have the training to sort of help myself get off the mental hamster wheel when it starts getting bad. ”
“Physician, heal thyself?” Andre asked, and this time Dmitri caught the rueful smile he gave.
“Something like that.” Dmitri waved a hand. “But this is about you, not me, right? Just know that we all have issues, even me, so I am not about to hold yours against you.”
“Right.” He heard rather than saw Andre draw in a deep breath. “I have a son.”
Of all the things Dmitri had expected Andre to say, the words he spoke weren’t anything Dmitri would have ever imagined. He wasn’t upset, but he was curious.
“Really? I never even suspected. That’s a heck of a secret.” Dmitri kept his tone light. “But I can see you as a dad, now that I think about it. Is he why you’re always headed back to San Diego?”
“Yeah. His name is Miguel, and he’s almost five now.” Andre’s voice took on a tone of regret. “I miss him.”
A flash of intuition burst on Dmitri. “I take it he really likes a story about a parrot-boy who meets a princess?”
That earned a chuckle, though Andre still sounded wistful. “I guess that’s not too hard to see now, is it? Yes, that’s his favorite story. I read it to him every chance I get. Which isn’t as often as I’d like.”
Pieces were starting to fall into place. Dmitri started walking again slowly, and Andre fell into step beside him. “So I take it that your reticence to talk about your personal life and why you think it’s a mess is tied up with your son?”
“My son and his mother, yeah.” Dmitri could almost hear Andre weighing his words.
“I don’t want to bash anyone, and both of us made mistakes, which have brought us to this point.
To be honest, Sibila and I are so different that we’re basically strangers who just happen to have made a kid together. But I love my son more than anything.”
“I can imagine you do. If he’s anything like you, he’d be very lovable.”
Andre laughed this time, though his voice hitched. “He can be a handful, too, but I’m grateful he’s happy and healthy. Sibila is a good mother. She and her husband do a great job with Miguel, which I appreciate.”
It wasn’t hard to hear the unspoken yearning in Andre’s voice. He had a feeling Andre didn’t even know it was there. “But you feel guilty because you aren’t around more, right?”
“That’s part of it,” Andre admitted. “Another part is that Sibila holds all the cards, and I know that I see Miguel on her sufferance because she has primary custody, and I only have visitation. And she has been trying to get me to give up my rights for two years now and to let her husband adopt Miguel. I think she believes they can be a tight little family if I’m out of the way and can pretend that her husband is Miguel’s father. ”
Dmitri had thoughts on that, but he kept them to himself. He sensed that Andre needed to get this out. He’d probably not told anyone else, and sometimes just the act of verbalizing could be helpful. “And you don’t want to?”
“No!” The word was almost ripped from Andre, and he stopped, looking around as he realized that he’d practically shouted the word.
“No, I don’t,” he continued, his voice more normal.
“I love my son, and he loves me. I’d have him in my life all the time if I could.
I’d never try to take him away from his mother, but I’d be happy if I could share custody. ”
“I’m sure you would.” Dmitri had no doubt Andre adored his child. “I guess I just don’t understand the reason for all the secrecy.”
“Sibila doesn’t want to have a spotlight on her and Miguel.
I get that, I do, after seeing the way celebrity kids are hounded and tempted and trash-talked.
I guess at first I figured she was just being over cautious, you know?
The F-Holes were barely a local club-level band at that point, but I gave in because it was one of her conditions for letting me see him.
I think she was worried less about the media back then than about being judged by others.
She was a single Catholic mother who wasn’t even with her child’s father at that point, and she carries a bunch of baggage of her own because her family tossed her out for getting pregnant.
Maybe she would have felt different if we’d been married, but the truth is, I never loved her, and she never loved me. It wouldn’t have worked.”
Dmitri couldn’t help but ache at the pain in Andre’s voice, and he had the feeling Andre carried a lot of guilt, as much as his child’s mother did. “Does she even know you’re bi?”