2. Cass
CHAPTER 2
Cass
B everly Hills, Sunday, July 20th
It was madness.
Temporary insanity, aided by booze and the gentle strum of Mason’s guitar. Just like old times on the bus—the never-ending thrum of the tires flowing in my blood, Mason humming some song he was working on, Jace and Ellis battling each other at FIFA, and Levi’s tired warmth right next to me, shoulders to hips to thighs.
“A band reunion?” Mason sounded as though I’d suggested we shave our heads and join a monastery. The lights from my backyard pool shone on the bridge of his pointy nose and gave his blond hair an almost surreal glow.
“Just for one song. For charity .” It came out defensive. I modulated my tone into something more casual. “It’d be a big surprise, right? They think it’s just me, and then I bring out the rest of you. Get people talking, donating.”
“You want to resurrect Neon Circuit. You .”
Guilt slammed into me. I gulped a mouthful of beer to mask it, a little bitter at the back of my throat, and let my gaze slide from the sparkle of LA’s lights in the distance to the Pacific’s deep purples and pinks, fading with the last of the day’s light.
Maybe I hadn’t done such a good job at faking indifference because Mason’s next words were low and soft. “Hey. Not how I meant it, man.”
Yeah, I knew—he didn’t work like that, didn’t assign blame when he could be cheerfully ambling along instead. And he was right in how objectively, out of all the guys, I’d be voted least likely to round us up again. Had it all, didn’t I?
Except for how it hadn’t felt that way in a long, long time.
“Well.” Another mouthful of beer, no less bitter. I wasn’t drunk, only just buzzed enough that the sharp edges of reality seemed slightly muted. “I did kind of break us, though.”
I’d said it so many times in my head that I didn’t realize I’d never admitted it out loud—not until Mason set his guitar aside and turned to face me fully. In ratty jean shorts and a tank top so big it kept sliding off his shoulder, he didn’t look like a guy who still filled concert halls. “And by ‘us,’ you mean…”
“Levi and me first.” I inhaled, a faint tang of lavender weighing down the air. “And then the band. By extension.”
“Thought you guys calling it quits was a mutual decision?” Mason’s voice was careful. Fair enough—he’d tried to make me talk before, and I’d always shut him down.
“That’s just the line we agreed on.” I shrugged a shoulder, shook my head. “Didn’t want to drag the rest of you into our mess.”
Mason snorted. “Like that was ever gonna work.”
Yeah, true. We’d been raised by the road and each other, our teenage years one long, rolling sleepover.
“I guess it was just… I don’t know. We didn’t want to make it seem like you had to choose.” They’d have taken Levi’s side. Not only because he’d been our unofficial leader, the guy we all turned to for advice, me most of all—but also because I’d been the one who ruined us, folding like a house of cards.
“Okay, I kinda get that.” Mason relaxed into the deep cushions of my lounge couch, his head lolling to the side so he could keep watching me. “Also means we couldn’t really support you guys, though. It was… fucking awful, you know? We were forced to sit by with our thumbs up our asses, watching our friends, our brothers, fall apart in front of our eyes.”
Jesus. I’d never thought about it like that—what it would have done to the other guys. Too focused on my own drama, fear and guilt warring with anger because how could Levi ask this of me?
“I’m sorry.” My voice came out rough. I focused on the cool touch of the bottle against my palm, a contrast to the lingering dry heat that marked California summers.
“I didn’t say this to make you feel bad,” Mason told me. “What I meant is—we would have been there. I’m still here now. So whenever you’re ready…”
Was I? Only one way to find out: rip off the Band-Aid.
“It was my fault,” I said. “When we told you guys it was mutual… that was just Levi protecting me. Like usual.”
I hadn’t deserved it. Hadn’t deserved him .
“Who’s to blame isn’t actually what I’m interested in,” Mason said. “I just want to know what happened. You and Levi, you were…” He huffed out a little laugh. “I’m gonna sound like a sap. But watching you made me believe that love isn’t just a fairy tale.”
“Didn’t live happily ever after, did we?” The words caught in my throat, and I turned away immediately after. The last traces of sunset had bled away, making room for velvety hues of indigo and violet.
“No. Guess not.” He paused. “So, why not?”
“I wanted fame. Levi… He just wanted us.” I scrubbed a hand through the loose curls of my hair, then closed my eyes and let myself relive that moment—right back in that hotel room, one of a million, Levi’s body a tight coil. The crack in his voice as he’d whispered, ‘I can’t hide anymore. I’m sorry, Cass. But I want… You’re it for me. And if you don’t feel the same…’
“He wanted to come out?” Mason asked softly.
“Yeah. We’d been hiding for three years, right, and we were both pretending to date girls because some fans started speculating about us. And I guess he was just… tired. Of all of it.” I drew a sharp breath through my teeth. “Remember how he was sick a lot that autumn? We were touring and recording at the same time, all of us drinking too much, no one getting enough sleep.”
Mason’s scoff held zero humor. “Wasn’t that an average Tuesday for us?”
“True, yeah.” I leaned into the armrest, a strange, floating sensation buzzing in my gut. “He wanted to be himself. With me. Told me he—um.” Fuck. I played the biggest stadiums in the world, but right here in my backyard with Mason as my sole audience, I was choking up? “He pretty much told me that if it was a choice between fame and me, he’d pick me, hands down. And if I didn’t feel the same, then, well . Better say it now.”
“You told him you didn’t.” Mason made it a statement more than a question.
“I did.” My breath got stuck in my throat. “So, you know. I lied.”
He was quiet for a second, shifting into a more comfortable position. “Why?”
“Got scared, mostly.” It sounded so simple when back then, it had been like a tsunami pulling me under, all rational thought swept away in its wake. I couldn’t. I couldn’t .
Mason’s voice pulled me back to the present. “Scared of what?”
“Of jumping without a safety net. No way back.” I pressed the bottle against my sweaty forehead. “I was twenty, man. Fifteen when the band started, sixteen when Levi and I got going. That’s no excuse, but he knew he was gay going in; I didn’t. Not until I met him.”
“You don’t need to make excuses for my sake,” Mason said. “I was there. It was a lot for all of us, and you were our baby.”
The easy forgiveness felt wrong—I didn’t deserve it. Would it be easier if he yelled at me? Maybe, yeah.
I released a breath into the still air. “I guess I just… I didn’t have a Plan B to the band, and I somehow thought that if we came out…” I broke off.
“You thought it might be the end of Neon Circuit,” he finished for me, his tone far too gentle.
“Yeah. Turns out it was the end of it anyway.” Because Levi and I hadn’t been able to keep it together, not even for the others. I’d hated him for making me choose, hated myself for being too much of a coward to choose him. And he’d been... hurt, mostly. Drained. Boozing it up, hardly even looking at me unless it was for the cameras, and even then it was just flickering glances. I’d fared no better. The end had come as a relief.
God. What a fucking mess we’d made.
“If you could do it all over again…” Mason raised his beer but didn’t drink, watching me with heavy eyes. “Would you do it differently?”
I didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”
“You’d pick Levi?”
“Yes.”
Mason was quiet for a beat. “And that’s why you want to get us back together?”
It sounded selfish. It was . Levi had stepped clean into the shadows as soon as he could—some rumors about rehab, and then I’d stopped checking, too twisted up in guilt and regret. I’d lost Ellis and Jace for a bit too, promoted their solo efforts but didn’t talk to them because what if they blamed me? As they should.
Mason was the only one who refused to let me be, a boomerang that kept coming back until I stopped trying to lock him out. I loved him for it. One night, I’d come over to his place only to find Jace and Ellis already there, and it had been... fuck. I’d missed them like a phantom limb. And it turned out they didn’t hate me, so I threw myself back into those friendships like we’d never stopped, even as both of them left the stage behind and Jace moved to London.
I didn’t ask how Levi was, and the others didn’t offer.
The idea of rounding them up for a charity performance? Sure, it was for cancer research. But it would be for me, too—assuage my guilt, see Levi again without exposing myself to his immediate rejection. Selfish, yeah.
“I just...” I tipped my head back, the city lights throwing a hazy glow up into the sky, the outline of distant hills melting into inky blue. “It’s like I didn’t really know myself back then. Fame, fans, tons of money rolling in—I thought I needed that to be happy.”
“Easy mistake to make.” Mason’s tone was wry.
“You never seemed to be terribly hung up on it.”
“I’m a man of simple needs,” he stated grandly, then snorted. “Nah, seriously—it’s all nice. Not about to kick a great paycheck and a round of applause out of bed, if you know what I mean. But at the end of the day, I’d rather not tie my sense of self-worth to something so temporary.”
Been there, done that, made the bad decisions to prove it.
“When did you become the smart one?” I asked.
“I hide it well.”
I managed a smile that lasted just a second. “It’s, you know. Not fun, realizing that you’ve wasted years chasing after the wrong thing.”
Mason stretched to tap our bottles together. “To growing up?”
“Whatever that means,” I said.
“Understanding that more often than not, it’s the things we didn’t do that we regret?”
“Amen.”
Silence fell between us, offset by the quiet hum of the city and the occasional rustle of a night breeze in the trees. It felt peaceful even as wistfulness clung to the tips of my thoughts.
“Talk to Ellis and Jace,” Mason said into the lull. “If you get them on board, I’ll talk to Levi.”
Oh God.
“Really?” My voice shook slightly, and Mason tossed me a quick, sweet smile outlined by the shimmering pool lights.
“Well, hey. It’s for charity, isn’t it?”
* * *
Beverly Hills, Monday, July 21st
Ellis would be easiest, so that’s where I started.
“You’re doing Stand Up to Cancer ?” He sounded distracted, his two-year old squealing in the background. “That’s cool.”
I walked the five steps from the coffee machine out onto the terrace. Morning had freshened up the air, and I took a deep breath. “I want you to do it with me.”
“ Me ?” He seemed a lot more present all of a sudden.
“Yes. Well—you, Mason, and Jace.” A pause, less for effect and more because I needed to gather my courage. “And Levi.”
“You’ve spoken to him?” Surprise colored Ellis’s voice, along with a hint of something almost hopeful.
“No. I…” Fucking hell, get it together. “I thought I’d talk to you and Jace first. And if you’re both in… Uh. Mason will call Levi. If you and Jace are both in.”
Ellis took a moment to respond. When he spoke again, a smile shone through. “All right. How do you want to do this?”
* * *
London was eight hours ahead, which made it late afternoon for Jace. Didn’t stop him from sounding like he’d only just woken up.
“Cass,” he said when I asked him if this was a bad time. “You never call me unless it’s stupid voice messages, and you know I don’t listen to those. What is it that didn’t fit in a text?”
I sat down by the edge of the pool, feet dangling in the cool water. “You know, you could at least pretend to let me ease into it.”
“Mate,” Jace said. Mate? “We shared a tour bus for years. You stole my socks and swore they were yours. We’re way past politely easing into a conversation.”
“Yeah, all right.” Deep breath. I could do this—compared to facing Levi, this was a piece of cake. “I’m doing one song for Stand Up to Cancer . I want to bring Neon Circuit back together for a second one. Mason and Ellis are already in. You?”
In true Jace fashion, he mulled it over at his own pace while I watched the ripples my feet made upon the water. When he spoke, it was slow and careful. “There’s a reason I haven’t performed in years, you know?”
“I know.” Even back in the band, he’d been the one who’d never been as relaxed about going out there as the rest of us. “We could pre-record it. No audience, if you prefer.”
Another moment of silence traveled down the line. The figurative line. No copper wires strung along some pole or whatever, just signals bouncing off satellites, zipping through servers, maybe some underwater cables still buried somewhere. What ? My brain was latching onto weird details to bridge the gap.
“Why?” Jace asked. “And no bullshit, all right? I’m in the middle of a date, so I’ve got no patience for you beating around the bush.”
“A date?” I echoed, and—huh. Of the third-base variety, most likely. Sure explained his bedroom voice. “Then why did you pick up?”
“Because you called,” he said as though it was really just that easy. “Now talk, Cass. You’ve got twenty seconds to hold my attention, or I’m hanging up on you. So— why ?”
No pressure.
“Because years ago, I made a mistake, and it meant we didn’t end the band on our own terms.” Breathe . I did. “It cost me more than that, personally. And I can’t undo either of those two things. But I just thought… it could be fun. All of us back together, choosing that. Creating a new, better memory of who we became. Even if it’s just for one song.”
Another beat of silence. He wasn’t hanging up on me, so that had to count for something.
“And Levi?” he asked then.
It was my turn to take a moment. Sunlight glistened on the pool’s surface, making my vision go hazy. “Like I said—I can’t change the past. And maybe he’s moved on. But I haven’t.”
Jace made a soft, considering noise. “Was that a question?”
It was tempting to ask how Levi was doing, but, no . I wanted to hear it straight from him.
“No. Even if he has moved on, maybe that’d be good for me to see, you know? See that he’s happy.” It would hurt. But it would hurt more to think that I’d broken him. “I’d still want the band to get together.”
“You know what’s funny?” Jace didn’t wait for my response. “Out of all of us, you seem like the one whose life’s changed the least. But you’ve changed. You always used to care so much about what people thought.”
Yeah. I’d always been a people pleaser, building my own confidence on other people’s approval. “I still do,” I said. “Too much, probably.”
“But you’re more comfortable now with who you are. You don’t twist yourself out of shape.”
“I, um.” This wasn’t something I’d really told anyone other than Mason just last night, who’d reacted in typical Mason fashion—with a pat on the back, an ‘awesome, man,’ and asking how he could help. “I’m going to come out. Not sure yet when or how, but… not gonna wait another five years, that’s for sure.”
“ Good for you.” By Jace’s standards, this came close to exuberance. I felt a smile pull at my lips.
“You think so?”
“Yeah. Feels good to be yourself rather than some person you feel you should be. Take it from someone who knows.”
“That’s…” I cleared my throat. “Kinda deep. Guess it also means you’re not up for a reunion, huh?”
“No, I am.” He paused. “If it’s all of us. And, like you said: pre-recorded, no audience.”
Fuck yes . I sucked in a harsh breath, my smile breaking through. “How about my backyard?”
“That works.” His voice was warm. “So. You gonna call Levi?”
“Thanks, man. Straight for the jugular.”
“Not an answer.”
Well, might as well be honest here. Jace had stolen my socks too, after all. And my boxers. “I’m too scared he’ll say no if it’s me doing the asking. Mason’s gonna call him.”
“All right. That’s fair.”
This was… God, it was happening, wasn’t it? If Levi said yes. He’d loved the band, loved performing, all of us together on massive stages—for a while, at least. Until we’d all been so tired that catching half an hour of uninterrupted sleep felt like the world’s biggest luxury.
But he’d say yes.
Right?