Chapter 17 Lila
LILA
I breathe in a great lungful of the fresh air at the park, and double-check to make sure the twins are strapped into their stroller properly. All systems go? Good. Time to actually enjoy my day instead of spending it shut up in the apartment and wondering when I’m going to hear from Martin again.
He took off early yesterday morning after getting a call from work—I suppose it’s not really fair of me to expect him to dedicate his time to me and the twins, given that he has such a demanding job, but I had already been foolish enough to come up with a hundred plans in my head for what we could do together for the rest of the day.
I had pictured a trip to the park, maybe food out, and coming home to cook together so he could show me how to make that delicious pasta dish he’d made the night before.
And of course, perhaps after the twins went to bed, we could have picked up where we left off in the kitchen last night too…
Instead, I just focused on keeping on top of everything, staying busy enough that I wouldn’t feel too stung by his absence.
Sofia texted to let me know that she’s going to be back over the weekend, which is good news—it means I won’t have to rely on Martin for help if I need it at short notice.
But there is a part of me that enjoyed his presence in the apartment way more than I should have, and I know I have to get myself in hand before I get too attached to the idea of him being close to me.
When I woke up to another beautiful day this morning, I resolved to make the most of it.
Once I had fed the twins, I put them in the stroller and headed out to the small park not far from my apartment.
I’ve been so busy, I’ve hardly had time for so much as a walk since they were born, and the leaves drifting down from the trees serve as a reminder of how much time has passed.
The earth is covered in a blanket of red, gold, and orange, the air coming with a little bite in it to speak to the incoming winter.
It’s going to be their very first Christmas soon, the twins, and the thought fills my heart with excitement.
I’ve never much been one for the holidays, mostly because I never had anyone to celebrate it with, but this year I’m going to go all out.
As much as my budget will allow, anyway.
A tree, lights, more presents than I can fit into that tiny apartment, all of it.
I doubt they’ll remember it, but the thought of them sitting in front of their first Christmas tree is way too cute for me not to see it through.
I pass a couple pushing a stroller in the opposite direction, and I muster a quick smile so I don’t look too pathetic, being out here on my own.
The woman nods back, but the man hardly seems to notice me.
I feel a pang, wishing that Martin was here beside me—though I’m sure that would draw plenty of its own attention, given the age gap between us.
Would people think he was my father, instead of the father of my children? The thought sends a shiver down my spine. Yeuch.
It’s the reason that I still haven’t admitted the truth of the twins’ parentage to Sofia, despite the fact that we share pretty much everything with one another.
I don’t want her to think that he’s some creep trying to take advantage of me, or that he’s been anything other than the perfect gentleman when we’ve been together.
Well, at least until I want him to be anything but, of course.
We’ve seen way too many girls from the foster homes we grew up in wind up with older guys, just looking for some kind of stability and peace, only to find themselves with a demanding weirdo twice their age. Lucky for me, I managed to find one who’s immature to boot. I always am outdoing myself…
We reach the small pond in the middle of the park, and Matty reaches out one of her chubby little hands toward the ducks that drift across the surface. I chuckle, and lift her out of her stroller, carrying her carefully toward the water as I keep my other hand on Ross’s knee.
“You want a better look?” I ask her, as she leans down curiously. One of the ducks lets out a quack and she jolts in my arms, turning to bury her face in my chest, and I smooth her hair gently. “It’s alright, baby,” I promise her. “They won’t hurt you. I promise I—”
And then, as my gaze follows the duck to the other side of the pond, I realize that someone is watching me.
Someone I recognize. Someone I hoped I would never see again in my life.
Thom.
I straighten up suddenly, my grip tightening on Mathilda.
My feet are frozen to the ground, my mouth dry, the only sound that of my heart slamming into my ribs.
For a moment, I feel like I must have imagined him, because there’s no way, no way in hell, that he can actually be here, standing right in front of me, at the other side of the pond like this is just any other day.
But as I stare back at him, I realize with a sinking feeling that it really is him.
And all at once, he starts to walk around the pond toward me.
I quickly put Mathilda back in the stroller, trying to keep my hands from shaking. I can’t let the babies know that I’m scared. If I do, they’ll freak out, and I can’t have them frightened, even as young as they are now.
I look back toward Thom, and he’s still sauntering toward me—the way he’s moving is almost surreal. Can he not tell how terrified I am right now?
He lifts a hand and waves to me like we’re old friends, and my head floods with a million memories of everything that he’s done to me, his spittle flying into my face as he had me pinned to the wall, his fingers digging into my arms so deeply that they left marks.
He doesn’t care. He doesn’t even register it as wrong. He—
And before I know it, he’s upon me. I back toward the stroller, standing between him and the twins.
“Lila,” he greets me, his voice cheerful. “Babysitting now?”
I swallow hard as he gestures to the twins. I don’t want him to know anything about them. I never even wanted him to be aware that they existed. But I’m not going to lie. He will find out the truth eventually, anyway. He always does, somehow.
“They’re….they’re my children, Thom.”
He freezes. I notice, all at once, a mark above his eye, like he’s been recently injured. Part of me wants to know what happened, but another reminds me that if I show even the barest hint of interest, he’s going to take that as proof that I want more.
“They’re yours?” he mutters, his voice low, almost threatening.
I nod, practically holding my breath. I can hear Matty grizzling behind me, still freaked out by the ducks, and I silently will her to hold it together, just as long as it takes to get out of this park.
“You always did want a family,” he remarks, but his voice has taken on a sharp, cold edge all of a sudden, the fury barely contained. “Glad that you finally got them. And who’s the father?”
“Not you,” I fire back before I can think how he’s going to take it. His lip curls briefly, showing his sharp canine teeth, like he’s thinking of lunging for me right there on the spot.
“So, you were cheating on me,” he growls. “Is that it?”
“Thom, you need to leave,” I tell him, keeping my voice as steady as I can. “I don’t know what you’ve gotten into your head about us, but whatever it is, it’s not true—”
“I haven’t gotten anything into my head, sweetheart,” he replies, reaching out a hand to touch my face. I can’t pull back, frozen to the spot. A few people pass us by, and to them, we must just look like any other happy couple.
The thought makes me sick to my stomach.
“Don’t touch me,” I whisper, trying to keep my body from losing control on me.
He cocks his head slightly, raising his eyebrows. “Don’t pretend you haven’t missed this,” he murmurs. “I know you have. Look at you—you’re exhausted. You need someone at your side, someone who can help you with all of this—”
“I said, don’t touch me!”
This time, the words explode out of me with more force, and he raises his hand, stepping back from me. He might be an asshole, but he’s not the kind of asshole who wants to get exposed in public for laying hands on a woman who’s telling him to leave her alone.
The woman who smiled at me earlier peers across from the bench she and her husband are sitting at, and I storm back behind the stroller, taking it and turning it toward the entrance of the park.
“Where are you going?” he demands, and I hear his footsteps closing the distance between us.
I don’t even look back. “It’s got nothing to do with you,” I snarl.
Anger overtakes the fear, allowing me the purpose I need to get the hell out of here.
I can feel him staring at me, the same feeling that prickled at the back of my neck when I was on the subway after dinner with Martin.
Was he there then too? I almost want to ask him, but I know that would only serve to prove his point about how much I’ve been thinking about him.
He races in front of me, forcing me to bring the stroller to a halt so I don’t crash into him.
His gaze lowers, toward Matty and Ross, and a rush of protectiveness courses through me.
He stoops down before them, reaching out a hand, and I practically dive into his way, slapping it before he can get close.
“Don’t you dare,” I hiss, and he straightens up swiftly, his eyes flashing with out-of-control anger.
He expects me to draw back, just like I’ve done a million times before.
But that was back when it was only me I had to worry about, not my children too.
I’m not the girl I was back then, not by a long shot, and I refuse to allow him to get the best of me.
“You need to go,” I tell him again, steadying my voice so it’s as convincing as it can be.
“It’s a public park, Lila,” he replies patronizingly. “You don’t get to decide who stays and who goes here.”