Chapter 26 Martin
MARTIN
When I wake the next morning, it’s not to my phone going off, or a call from work, or a text from Martha about whatever it is that’s been happening with our son. No, it’s to the sound of Lila in the kitchen with the twins, singing some song to them as she makes their breakfast.
I grin as I sprawl out over the bed for a moment, taking a second to stretch myself out before I go to join them. This bedroom is way too small for all of us, but I have to admit, there’s something cozy about sleeping tangled up in Lila while the twins doze beside us.
I get dressed and make my way to the kitchen, leaning in the doorway for a moment as I watch her at work.
She has Ross planted on the counter and Matty against her hip as she goes about sterilizing their bottles and her pumps, letting them reach out to touch the tap every now and then, occasionally running their hands beneath the water.
Ross splashes his hands together, sending a spray of water across the kitchen and splashing up on to her chest. She laughs, pulling back, and Matty giggles delightedly at the chaos unfolding in front of her.
“You need a hand there?”
Lila glances around when she hears me behind her, and lets out a sigh of relief.
“Thank God,” she remarks playfully, handing Matty over to me. “These two were pushing me to the brink, let me tell you…”
“Busy morning?”
“I only got up about an hour ago,” she confesses. “The twins slept through the rest of the night. Guess you must have skills, working with babies as much as you do.”
“Or they’re just good sleepers,” I suggest as I smooth back Matty’s hair and drop a kiss on her forehead.
I can’t believe how tiny she still is, and yet, how much she has grown since I brought her into this world a few months ago.
It always amazes me, when my patients come in for checkups six months to a year after they have their children, how quickly babies develop into full-blown little people, but seeing it up close is even better.
“I’m trying to give you credit for something, Martin,” Lila teases, raising her eyebrows. “Try taking it for a chance, huh?”
“I’m trying, I’m trying,” I protest, as I glance around the kitchen. “Do you have much in? If you want, I can make us some breakfast.”
“I’m not sure there’s room for all of us in here.”
“So you take the twins and go play,” I suggest. “Let me handle it.”
She parts her lips, for a moment looking as though she’s going to argue with me, but she thinks better of it.
“Point taken,” she murmurs, kissing me on the corner of the mouth, and she makes her way through to the living room to play while I make us some banana pancakes out of what I can find in her cupboards.
The sound of them together warms my heart in a way I didn’t even think I was capable of.
For so many years, the thought of being a father has been caught up with such doubt, such distaste, such disgust at how badly I did it the first time, that I could hardly reconcile the thought of doing it again.
But after the way Lila spoke to me yesterday, I know she doesn’t see me that way. That she never has. No, she just sees my potential, and I will be eternally grateful for that. I’m not sure any number of banana pancakes will truly make up for it, but I hope these are a start.
I come through with our food and hand her a plate, and she inhales deeply and groans.
“God, that smells good,” she remarks, as Matty tries to grab a handful from her plate to stuff into her mouth. “Hey, greedy! I just fed you…”
I plant myself on the edge of the couch, lifting Ross up beside me so he can see what I’m doing.
He watches intently as I use the cutlery, drinking it all in.
The way they are at this age, they might as well be sponges, the way they take in information and store it all away.
It might be a while before he can handle knives and forks, but when the time comes, I want him to be capable.
“You really need to teach me how to cook,” Lila tells me through a mouthful of food. “This is so good, I would never have thought to put it together out of what I had in there. God, where were you when I was in college, I would have given anything to eat something other than takeout and fast food.”
I grin. “Glad you’re enjoying it,” I reply, and then I cock my head at her, curious. “Speaking of college, by the way. Are you thinking about going back at some point?”
She lifts her head with surprise, as though this is the first time such a thought has crossed her mind. Shaking her head, she chews thoughtfully for a moment.
“You know, I never really gave it much thought,” she confesses. “When I was with Thom, it was a no go, and then I found out I was pregnant and I knew I couldn’t have balanced my studies with that, so I just…put it on the back burner, I guess.”
“You know I’d support you if you wanted to,” I remark. “If you needed help with that, I would…”
“I don’t know,” she admits, looking between the twins.
“I mean, I’m a mom now, I’m not sure I get to put myself first like that.
Maybe when they’re a little older, but I wouldn’t want to spend all that time away from them, not if I could help it.
Plus, it’s not like I’m going to have the room to work out of here—can you imagine this place filled with papers, on top of everything else?
” She laughs as she gestures around, and I suppose she has a point.
The apartment is tiny, even though she’s done everything she can to make it as homey as possible.
“You can’t stay here forever, though,” I point out. “The twins’ll grow faster than you realize. And you’ll need more space. Even just for you. You deserve that.”
“Okay, well, when you hear about an apartment that comes on the market that can fit a mother and two twins in it for the salary of a part-time server, you let me know,” she replies, raising her eyebrows.
I shrug. “Move in with me.”
The words come out of my mouth before I can consider how huge they are.
She stares at me for a moment, like she thinks I might take it back, but I don’t.
It’s the natural next step—I don’t want them living in this tiny apartment, not when I have a whole place of my own, not to mention the cabin out in the woods.
Suddenly, having all that space to myself seems downright selfish, and I know more than anything that I want to fill it with the same light and noise I woke up to this morning.
“Martin, you can’t be—”
“I’m totally serious,” I assure her. “Come live with me. I have the cabin, the one you first met me at, and that can be our home most of the time, but I also keep an apartment in the city that either of us could use if we were coming down here for work, or studying, for that matter. And when the twins get old enough to start school, we could move down here permanently. Or not. Whatever you think works.”
“I don’t know if I could impose on you like that,” she mumbles, and I cup her face in my hand, guiding it up to look at me.
“Hey,” I murmur. “You’re not imposing on me, alright? I’m offering. I want you to have a place that you can call home, somewhere you can raise our children that you know you’re never going to lose.”
Her teeth rest on her bottom lip for a moment, considering.
I can tell this is a tough prospect for her, after she put so much faith in Thom to take care of her and he failed her as completely as he did, but I am not him, and I can only hope that I’ve done enough to prove that since we’ve known each other.
“I’ve never really had a home of my own,” she admits quietly. “A family home, I mean. I never thought I would. At least, anything more than an apartment like this.”
I smooth my thumb over her chin, my heart aching for her. I loathe the fact that she’s had to go through so much of this life feeling as if she’s alone in the world, but at least I can try and make right the lack that has lived with her for so long.
“I want you to have that,” I promise her. “You and the twins. It’s what you deserve.”
Slowly, the corners of her lips turn up into a smile, as it starts to sink in that what I’m telling her is real.
“The cabin?” she asks, wrinkling her nose up excitedly as she speaks.
I chuckle. “Yeah, the cabin.”
“Oh, I love that place.” She clasps her hand to her chest as she looks down at the twins. “Even that first night, I loved it. It just felt so…so safe, after everything that I’d been through.”
“Then let’s do it,” I tell her. “Let’s make that our home. I don’t want it all to myself, anyway, it’s far too big for one person—”
“Not sure you’re going to be saying that when the twins get a little older,” she replies, raising her eyebrows.
“Guess I’ll have to cross that bridge when I come to it,” I reply, as I slip down onto the floor with Matty. She leans one hand on my knee for support as she reaches across to pick up a block from the floor, and I look down at her small, pudgy fingers, still learning, still growing.
“Guess you will,” Lila agrees, and she leans over to Ross to pinch his cheeks. “Hey, do you have work today?”
I shake my head. “Not that I know of…”
“You want to take the twins out on a walk around the city?” she suggests. “Maybe get some food, go to a park?”
She grins hopefully, but I know it’s more than just about getting out of the house.
She finally feels free enough to leave without having to look over her shoulder all the time, which is exactly what I wanted when I chose to turn over all that information to the police.
It’s not going to be long until they close in on Thomas now, and I suppose he’ll be behind bars soon enough.
But even before that, I know he won’t dare show his face around Lila when he knows I’m there to take him on.
“I’d love that,” I agree. “You want me to get the stroller, get them strapped in?”
“If you can,” she calls as she heads to the bathroom to get ready. “Matty’s so wriggly, she might as well be made of jelly.”
I lift my daughter into my arms, looking her in the eye with a faux-serious expression.
“Are you going to give me trouble, little girl?” I ask her. She just laughs, too young to have the faintest clue what I’m talking about, just glad to be included in the conversation.
“That’s what I thought,” I reply, and I unfold the stroller with Matty on my hip and get the two of them ready for their walk.
It’s a cool day outside, the leaves tumbling down from the trees.
I remember all of a sudden how much I love the city at this time of year; it’s almost like I had forgotten until I had the people to share it with.
Lila appears a few moments later, hands thrust deep into her pockets and a scarf wrapped around her face.
I cock an eyebrow. “It’s not that bad, is it?” I ask, glancing outside once more to make sure an arctic storm hasn’t set in when I wasn’t looking.
“Hey, I don’t want to get cold,” she protests. “It’s chilly to me, alright?”
“You wouldn’t have lasted a second in Ireland in the autumn,” I mutter, shaking my head like I can’t believe it.
“Maybe one day I’ll get to find out,” she suggests, as she tucks her hand into my arm. “Do you go back there much?”
“Not really, no.”
“I’d love to go with you,” she says. “And take the twins too. They have to know where they came from, right?”
It’s been a long time since I’ve even thought about going back to Ireland, with the weight of all the memories that still lie there.
But seeing it through her eyes, through their eyes, I know it wouldn’t be like it was before.
I’m not the same man I was when I left all those years ago, and I wouldn’t be returning as part of the same family I had with me when I visited before.
“Of course they do,” I agree, and I push the front door open in front of us. “Now, question is, is it too cold for ice cream on a day like today, or do we risk it?”
“I think you’re crazy. And that I’m never going to turn down ice cream,” she replies firmly, tapping the button for the elevator. Before I can stop myself, I lean down to kiss her again, the handle of the stroller digging into my ribs for a moment, though I pay it no mind.
“What was that for?” she giggles when I pull back, her cheeks flushed a little pink.
“Trying to convince you about the ice cream,” I reply, but it’s not true.
The truth is, I’ve never seen her so free or so at ease with herself in all the time I’ve known her, and I want nothing more than to commit it to memory for good.
The way she tastes against my lips, the way she smells as we step into the elevator together, the way she hums to herself as we start to head down.
As we step out into the fresh air of that morning sunshine, she steps out ahead of me, a smile on her face, as though she can hardly wait to see what the day has in store for her.
For all of us.