37. Chelsea
CHELSEA
My argument with my brother hangs over my conscience the entire night. Even though I manage to get some sleep, it keeps replaying in my head. The rage on his face. The hurt in his eyes.
He might never speak to me again.
It sounds like catastrophizing, but I can picture him washing his hands off me for good and deciding it's not worth it anymore.
It didn't take much for my own parents to not want me.
And for James, all I've ever been is a burden, a thorn in his side, someone that he has to take care of.
He's tried so hard to watch out for me all these years, and in return, I date three of his best friends and tell him that I would choose them over me.
Once more, the pain in his face haunts me.
I didn't mean it like that, I swear. I didn't mean for that statement to come out how it did, but I was hurt and angry and embarrassed, and I said the worst possible thing I could have said in that moment.
Even though the truth is, I don't want to have to choose at all. Losing my brother would be like ripping my heart out of my chest.
But losing the guys would break me differently, in a way I haven't been broken before.
I guess that just goes to show how much they’ve come to mean to me.
I love them.
The realization makes me more miserable, my emotions more intense. I've fallen in love with all of them and don't know how to handle it. I can't choose between them.
And one day, they just might ask me to, and I'll lose them forever.
The guys take care of me through the night and hold me when I need it. I wake up crying several times, checking my phone to see if James has responded, but nothing there.
I figured there would be nothing. Sometimes after our fights, he sends me angry memes or rants about how mad he is. When he does that, it tells me that he's not actually that angry. Conversely, the more he rants, the less furious he is.
His total silence is as loud as a door slamming in the face.
I hate fighting with him, and we don’t do it often, and it’s never been for anything this serious.
And deep inside, I know he only said the things he said because he cares about me.
He probably thinks I'm making the biggest mistake of my life and setting myself up for humiliation. He's trying to help me.
And I basically yelled at him for it and told him that I would choose them over him.
I hate this.
I have to explain it to him. Even if he doesn’t want to listen to me, I have to make him listen. I’m not going to let this fight drag out. We’re both adults, and we should be able to agree to disagree when it comes to my love life.
I wake up early the next morning, Sam's arm around my waist, and Jake's breath next to mine. Adam is already gone, but he left a note and a cup of coffee by the bed.
It'll be okay. Trust me. No one can be mad at you for long.
Love, Adam.
I smile, drink the coffee, and attempt to go to the bathroom, but then a hand wraps around my wrist.
Jake's eyes open a little, and he sits up.
“Isn’t it a little early for work?" he asks me as he pushes a kiss on my cheek.
“Yes, but I want to talk to my brother first before I head to work." I glance from him to the sleeping Sam. "I know you and Adam think I should give James space, but you don’t know how he is. The more space I give him, the more he stews on the words I said, and by tomorrow he’ll convince himself that I hate him and don’t want him around.
Besides, I don’t want this to become an even bigger mess than it already is. "
He nods. “If you think that’s right, then you should go for it. You know your brother better than I. Do you want me to drive you?”
I shake my head. The last thing I want is for James to see Jake and flare up again. He’s not going to hurt me, but he might choose to pick a fight with Jake just because. Besides, this is probably a conversation we should have alone.
“I’ve got it,” I tell him and kiss him on the cheek. I also go over to kiss Sam, who stirs, once I do. When I draw back, he pulls me in for an even longer kiss, nipping my lips in a way that almost convinces me to get back in bed and have my way with them once more this morning.
My phone beeps to distract me and remind me of my doctor’s appointment later tomorrow.
It also reminds me of the fact that I still haven’t chosen who to accompany me to that appointment.
It feels like an ultimate test because whoever I choose is going to feel like they’re the one I prefer to be my partner.
I hate thinking about them in terms of choices. It also feels so unfair and dishonest.
Especially since I don't have a preference. I love all of them.
But I can’t exactly go with all of them, can I?
Can I?
No, that would be ridiculous. Although now that my brother already knows about it, I’m really not sure who I’m keeping it from anymore.
No one else's opinion matters that much to me, not even my parents. It’s not like they’ve ever not been disappointed in me, and I can’t make them proud anyway, no matter what I do. They simply don't care either way.
Still, I think as I pull out of the parking lot.
What about strangers? Or my coworkers. What would they say about me?
And if I’m actually going to consider a relationship with all four of them, I have to think about my kids too.
They’ll be teased in school over it and bullied.
Maybe even isolated. Am I willing to put my child under that?
The drive to James’ is filled with a lot of anxious thoughts and worries. At every traffic stop, I take deep breaths to soothe myself.
When I arrive, James' car is still parked in his driveway. I take a deep breath before I step out.
When I get to the door, I knock, and his girlfriend, wearing leggings and a sports bra, comes to open it. She smiles kindly.
“I guess you didn’t sleep much either.”
I shake my head. “Did he tell you what happened?”
“Not in so many words. I could only parse together that the two of you fought, but he wouldn’t tell me why, and he’s been walking and muttering like a bull with his balls cut off all night. Getting on my fucking nerves.”
I snort. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. I guess this is all because of him playing the overprotective older brother again, right?"
I nod wanly. "More or less.” I don’t want to get into more of it with her without talking to Adam first. “Is he awake?”
“Yeah. Making breakfast and banging about like an idiot. I’m going to go out for a nice jog, so the two of you can talk.”
I smile at her. “Thanks, G. You know he’s so lucky to have you.”
"Yeah, that’s what I keep trying to tell him, but he doesn’t listen." She shakes her head and winks at me one last time as she walks through the door, starting to stretch as she goes.
I enter and shut the door behind me. The sound of sizzling in the kitchen announces my brother’s presence.
He doesn't turn around when I get there, not even when I clear my throat, obviously, and say, "Hello."
He doesn’t answer at first, still focusing on his pan. Then finally he releases a heavy sigh and says, "Hey."
I walk closer and glance down at the pan where the sausage is sizzling brown. “You’re going to burn it.”
No. I’m not. I’m just waiting for it to crust."
"It’s already crusted; now it’s on the verge of burning."
"No, it's not."
"Yes, it is."
"Okay, you don't get to come here and insult my cooking after practically throwing me out of your boyfriends' house." He makes a face of disgust. "God, I can’t even say it with a straight face. Your boyfriends."
I roll my eyes. "Okay, first of all, grow up. Second of all, I didn’t throw you out. You left after I said something you didn’t like."
"You said you would pick them over me. Pick Jake over me."
"Is this about Jake or is this about us?
" I shoot back. "Listen, I know you have your personal problems with him, and I disagree with who the blame lies with there, but that's not even what this is about, and it's not what we're about to talk about right now.
We're going to talk about us. When I said what I said… I didn't mean it like that.”
"You did," he said. "You forget I know how stubborn you are, and I know what you look like when you're bluffing. You weren't bluffing then. If I had made you choose, you would have chosen them."
"I didn't want to choose at all. You're my brother, James. The one person I've loved for my entire life. And they're..."
I trail off and can't even explain how they've come to mean so much to me in the short time since we've been together.
"You love them?" he asks me, finally sifting the sausage from the pan onto a paper-towel-covered plate.
I nod. "I think so."
He pulls a disgusted look. "Gross."
For some reason, the childlike disgust on his face makes me snort. "Yeah, I didn't exactly plan it like that. It's not like I sought out to date three men at the same time."
"Oh yeah? Then how did it happen?"
"It was..." I blush. "We met at your party, and one thing kind of led to another."
"And what, you guys slept together?" His eyes widen. "Is that why you left early? To go and screw them?"
"Yeah," I admit. "Sorry, I lied about that."
His looks utterly shocked and flabbergasted, "Did they get you drunk?"
"No, actually. They're too decent for that.
I was stone cold sober. I just..." I gesture with my hand, waiting for the words to form.
"I was feeling down about Eric, about being the good girl and doing the right thing, and still getting screwed over by life.
So I thought, hey, maybe I deserve a little mindless fun for a change.
You know, I never actually did that in high school or college.
Never just hooked up with a hot guy or had that kind of fun because I was too scared of what people would think about me.
What you would think about me. And that day, I kind of just threw caution to the wind and thought, why not screw around with the hottest guys at the party? "
"Gee, maybe because they're my friends and I was starting a business with them?"
"Yeah, I didn't know that part at the time. The hook up wasn't supposed to be a serious thing, and I thought it would be one time and we would part ways. But then….I got pregnant.”
James' eyes get even wider, turning into saucers. He drops the spatula in his hand, and it clangs on the edge of the pan before toppling to the floor.
“What?”
I say nothing, waiting for it to sink, in as my brother’s mouth gapes open like a fish. He sputters and tries to form words, but not a single one of them moves to completion.
It takes nearly a minute for him to speak again, and I let him have that time to process, his eyes a mixture of surprise and horror.
"You're pregnant?"
"Yeah," I say. "That's the other thing I wanted to tell you, and I planned to do it with more finesse than that."
"You're not fucking with me? You're really pregnant?"
"Yeah," I say. "I don't know who the father is yet, but they all know, and they all want to be involved and....I think I might let them. Because I might be in love with them." Somehow, it's easier to admit this to my brother than it is to say it to the guys.
Even though James' reaction almost makes me regret it. His face goes through a series of emotions: shock, confusion, despair, and even a little bit of amazement.
I wait for him to call me crazy, to tell me how insane it is for me to want to give my child three fathers.
But he shocks me by asking, “Boy or girl?”
"No idea."
He barks out a harsh laugh, rubbing his hand over his mouth. "I cannot believe this. I'm going to be an Uncle." The amazement grows until his entire face transforms into a smile.
The tension eases in my entire body.
"And Jake's potentially the dad," I joke, and he throws me a dark look, which makes me laugh.