Chapter Seventeen #4
Kieran’s good mood faded. “What I am to say is very important,” he said.
“There is a very good possibility that I will not be here when you return, William. The physic says my heart is growing worse by the day and there are times when I can hardly breathe. You know this. I know you do not want to acknowledge this, but you must. I have things that I need from you and I want to be assured that you will do them.”
William was looking at him with an expression of great sorrow. “Kieran…”
“William, please.”
William sighed heavily; he was cornered, and he knew it. “Very well. Continue.”
Kieran did. “I do not know what the future brings, so I must have my say,” he said, lowering his voice.
“I have imagined this moment many times and thought of what I would say to you. What do you say to someone who has been closer to you than a brother? What do you say to someone who has meant everything to you, as much as you and I have meant to each other?”
William couldn’t help it; his eye began to fill with tears. “I do not know,” he said. “I have been asking myself the same thing.”
Kieran’s eyes began to grow moist and he reached out again, taking William’s hand and holding it tightly.
“I want to take a good look at you,” he said.
“It will more than likely be my last look. And I want you to know that the day I met you was the best day of my life. I have watched you become the greatest knight England has ever seen, but your greatness as a knight cannot compare with your greatness as my friend. Nay, as my brother. You have always been my brother, William, and I want to thank you for everything. Life with you has been quite a journey.”
William’s tears were beginning to spill over, his head bent over his hands as he clutched Kieran’s fingers.
“And I cannot imagine completing this journey without you,” he whispered.
“I knew this time would come but I supposed I’d hoped we would die at the same time.
I do not know what I am going to do without you, Kieran. ”
Kieran put a big hand on his lowered head. “You will have Paris,” he said. “I realize that is a poor substitute for me, but he will have to suffice.”
William grinned through his tears. “A poor substitute, indeed,” he said. “He loves you almost as much as I do. He will miss you very much.”
Kieran smiled weakly. “He will not admit it,” he said. “But there is something more, William, something that is most important to me.”
“Name it and I shall make it so.”
“My wife. My passing will destroy her even though she pretends to be strong. You will make sure she is taken care of, please.”
“She is family. Of course I will take care of her; you need not ask.”
“And our grandchildren – you and I share several. In the years to come, make sure they remember me from time to time. Tell them… tell them how much I loved them.”
William’s tears flowed like rain. “I will, I swear it,” he said. “They will know how great their Kee was.”
“Kee,” Kieran chuckled softly. “I remember when Edward first called me that and it stuck. I hated it, but I could not shake it. Now, I love it. I want it to be the last thing I ever hear.”
William simply nodded, squeezing the man’s hand.
“My tears are selfish tears, you know,” he said, wiping at his face with one hand.
“I do not cry for you. You will go to sleep and when you awaken, you will find yourself young and strong again, and I envy that. I cry because I will be without you, and I will miss your quiet wisdom and your great strength. I do not know if I have ever told you that I love you, Kieran, but I do. I love you as deeply as a man has ever loved his brother and I swear to you that our grandchildren, and their children, will know of you. You will be well-remembered.”
Kieran’s dark eyes glimmered. “Thank you,” he murmured. “I am grateful.”
“Is there anything else?”
Kieran nodded. “Kevin,” he said. “I’ve not seen my son in quite some time, ever since he left for The Levant.”
William knew that. Kevin Hage, Kieran’s beloved son, had left England for The Holy Land because the woman he loved, William’s youngest daughter, Penelope, had married another man and Kevin had been unable to cope with the loss.
He’d left for The Holy Land with Kieran’s blessing, but William knew how hard it had been for Kieran to let his son go.
“I know,” he said after a moment. “What would you have me tell him when I see him?”
For the first time, Kieran seemed to grow quite upset.
“I never imagined that I would not speak with my son ever again in this life,” he said, fighting off tears.
“Kevin is special to me. I love all of my sons very much, but Kevin… I understand him. He has a tender heart, something he tries so hard to protect, but he is simply incapable of hardening. I suppose that is what I love so much about him. William, when you see him again, will you tell him… tell him how much I loved him and how proud I was of him. No matter what, I was proud of him. I want you to tell him that my last thoughts were of him. Will you do this?”
William nodded. “I will.”
“Thank you.”
There wasn’t much more to say after that.
They’d said everything they needed to. Kieran finally let go of William’s hands and opened up his arms, embracing William as they both found an outlet for their quiet tears.
It was an embrace of everlasting friendship and of the bonds of brotherhood that could never be broken.
When William finally released him, he kissed him on the forehead and stood up.
“You must know I have been dreading this moment,” he said. “I suppose that is why I have been avoiding this. I did not believe I could face it. But now… now I feel as if I have said what I needed to say. I am content, but I will say again how much I will miss you. I do not want to let you go.”
Kieran smiled weakly. “I know,” he said.
“But I am tired, William. I am tired of being ill, of not being able to function as a normal man. I spend my days in this bed, remembering when I was young and strong and healthy. I do not like my family seeing me this way. It is no way for a knight’s life to end.
I had always imagined that I would die a glorious death in battle, but it seems as if I am to die an old man in my bed. ”
William was struggling not to weep again. Kieran had never spoken of his personal feelings on his health woes, so to know how much they affected him was difficult to hear. The powerful knight was no longer powerful; he was trapped by a dying body and deeply saddened for it.
“Is that so bad, dying in your bed?” he asked.
“You have lived a full and wonderful life, Kieran. I do not mind the notion of dying in bed, with my wife by my side. I always thought the only glorious death would be the one in battle, but I have since changed my mind. A peaceful death, surrounded by my family, is more glorious to me. Mayhap it is the mark of a truly loved man.”
Kieran’s gaze moved to the windows that faced northwest. There was blue sky beyond in a warm autumn day.
Memories of the years flashed in his mind, of him when he was young, and of William when he was young.
They had, indeed, been glorious days, but what William said resonated with him – he was more content now than he’d ever been.
And he had been fortunate enough to have loved deeply.
After a moment, he tossed back the coverlet and put his feet on the ground.
As William watched, Kieran stood up, slowly and laboriously, and began to walk towards him.
It wasn’t the usual proud gait that William remembered, but more of a shuffling gait from a man who shouldn’t even be out of bed.
But William stood his ground as Kieran approached, looking the man in the eye when he came close. Kieran smiled faintly.
“I did not want your last memory of me to be as I lie in my bed,” he said, taking a deep breath to steady himself since his heart and lungs didn’t work well these days. “Remember me as I was, William. Remember me as the powerful knight who was honored to serve with you.”
William lost the battle against the tears once more. They streamed down his face. “I will,” he said. “It has been an honor to serve with you, also, Kieran Hage.”
Kieran nodded, feeling rather proud that he’d been able to face his friend on his feet one last time. “Now,” he said huskily. “Go to Wales and find your son. I will try to be here when you return, but if I am not, then this parting was well-made.”
William was trying to be brave about this, but he couldn’t seem to be. He couldn’t speak for the lump in his throat. Lifting his hand, he touched Kieran on the cheek.
“You will always be young and strong to me,” he whispered. “Godspeed, Kieran Hage. I will look forward to when next we meet again, in this life or in the next.”
With that, he turned and left the chamber, feeling more sorrow and anguish than he could imagine.
It was true that all of the denial he’d had about Kieran’s health had hit him hard but, in the same breath, there was a satisfaction to the conversation.
They’d said everything that needed to be said, and William could go forward now with his friend’s wise counsel. But, God, he missed him already.
Farewell, Kieran…