10. Robert
ten
Robert
The weekend after I saw Delia at that bar, being harassed by a man and debasing herself for money, I met with Jeremy for coffee and a game of chess.
It felt disgusting breaking bread with my friend, knowing how badly I wanted his ex-girlfriend.
I could hardly believe the level of disloyalty I’d gone to in my mind with Delia. I couldn’t even let myself think about what I’d transgressed with her in actuality. That kiss had been too far already. But the way her body had responded…
No, Robert. Stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about her .
Jeremy sat across from me, only his eyebrows and eyes visible over his coffee mug as he looked at the chessboard in front of him. He only had to make a first move, but he hadn’t decided yet what it would be.
I felt antsy watching him try to figure out if he wanted to move a knight or a pawn, his only two choices. I chewed on the inside of my cheek and tried not to think about Delia. Or Corinne. Or Corinne’s crush. Or work. Which didn’t leave me with much that I could think about.
Leaning forward in his chair and uncrossing his ankle from his knee, Jeremy moved the pawn in front of his king two spaces to allow his bishop to move, like I knew he would. He always liked that strategy. He liked to come at me sideways. He scooted back in his seat and motioned for me to go.
Without thought, I crossed my knight over in an L-shape. Jeremy winced like it caused him physical pain, and I said, “I saw Delia at work.”
He glanced up, his eyebrows raising slightly then correcting themselves. He didn’t want to give away how much he still cared about her every move, but the more he over-corrected, the more painfully obvious it was to me that he wasn’t over her in the slightest.
“Speaking of Delia,” Jeremy said, clearing his throat, and moving another pawn from in front of his queen to make room for his other bishop. “She texted me to grab her things after she left class early that day. Do you know why she left?” He was looking at me hard as he took a gulp of his too-hot coffee, resulting in a sputtering cough.
Chewing even harder on the inside of my cheek, I shrugged a shoulder as the guilt consumed me.
Should I just come clean now? He was giving me a good time to confess. He’d practically set me up for it.
“No. Well, I don’t know. Maybe it was too much, helping me with my flashbacks,” I muttered, trying to look embarrassed, as I brought my second knight out.
I took a small sip of my coffee and watched him blot at the spilled coffee on the front of his shirt.
“Ah,” he said. “I noticed you’ve had more of those lately, the flashbacks. What do you think is bringing that on?” He moved another pawn from in front of his other rook. He always sacrificed his rooks. He didn’t care much for a straight line.
I didn’t respond at first, choosing instead to look as though I was deeply studying the board, even though I knew what I was going to do.
“I thought we were meeting for coffee, not therapy,” I quipped, grateful that he was distracted by my flashbacks. My lie had worked. It was too bad that Jeremy was my therapist in addition to my best friend. It meant that I had no one to talk to about how guilty I felt for lying to my best friend.
I moved one of my knights to take the pawn in front of his king. That showed that I meant business, but it didn’t allow his king to get me.
He grimaced, hurt that I had already taken something of his, and moved his bishop across the board, diagonal to my knight. He was forcing me to move. He said, “Well, then, as a friend, what do you think is bringing that on?”
I slapped my knee as though I was rattled by his sudden coup and drank my coffee, giving myself a moment to think of what to say.
I didn’t want to tell him about Corinne. I didn’t want to talk about any of that. Instead, I said, “Did you know that Delia worked at a bar?”
Jeremy’s eyes snapped up to mine, and he narrowed his slightly, those milky blue eyes that unsettled me sometimes. They pierced you right to the gut and seemed to see through you. He had the eyes of a therapist, hawk eyes that saw all.
“I did,” he responded coolly, setting his mug down on the table next to the game.
Avoiding eye contact, I moved my knight out of the way of his pawn and took another of his. “And you’ve never said anything to her?”
His eyes flickered from my face to the board, and then, without a second thought, he brought his queen out to take my knight. He didn’t hesitate at all, and then he asked, with a tinge of frustration masked as curiosity, “About what? It’s a job.”
“Right, a dangerous one,” I snapped. How did he not see that this was a problem? “And a debasing one. She was practically being assaulted by this guy when I came in.”
“Assaulted?” his voice was now going up an octave.
“Well, the guy was all over her.”
“Well,” he trailed off, and I knew he was as concerned as I was. “I can talk to her about it if you think…do you think it has something to do with why she’s taking your self-defense classes?”
“It could.” I moved my knight in, nestled next to his king. He wouldn’t like how close I was to him, even if my knight couldn’t do anything.
He stared at the pieces, lost in thought, then continued, “She’s in school, Robert. She needs money. And what were you doing there anyway?”
He looked down at the board to seem nonchalant, but I knew that I had bothered him. He didn’t want Delia to be in an unsafe situation. And he couldn’t hide all the feelings she still brought up for him.
“I couldn’t sleep.” I shrugged off the question.
Jeremy considered his moves. He had a couple, and I drank my coffee while watching his brain turn.
“And so you decided to drink? That isn’t a good sign, my friend. You’ve done a lot of work to not self-soothe with alcohol.”
“It wasn’t like that. I wasn’t planning on getting black-out drunk. You know I’m past that. I just…thought I should get out of the house, and do something different. Anyway, I left without having anything.”
I didn’t tell him that I left because I was too upset about Delia and the way she’d painted our kiss.
I didn’t tell him that she’d admitted she liked it, the way it felt to kiss me.
I didn’t tell him how good she looked in those little black shorts or how bad I wanted to bend her over in them. How I wanted to slip a finger into what I knew was a juicy pussy, feel how wet she was for me and…
Ok. That’s enough, Rob!
“But you know, in the past—”
I interrupted him, “Trust me, I know. I’m not going back to that person. I am a changed man. I haven’t gotten like that in a long time. I’m all about Corinne’s safety now. She needs a good role model. That’s what I care about.”
Jeremy seemed to set aside the game for a moment, engaged with me now. He sipped at his drink and settled back in his chair, leaving my knight there by his king.
He was doing a good job today pretending that he didn’t care about a lot of things, as was I. I wondered if he knew I was pretending the way I knew he was pretending.
“How’s Corinne these days?”
“She’s good,” I replied, shrugging. “Too good. There’s a boy. ”
“How does that feel?” Jeremy smiled at me. It’s just a boy, no big deal. Nothing’s as big a deal as my PTSD makes it feel.
I responded honestly. I wanted to be honest with my friend. I would give him honesty where I could. “Fucking terrifying. I don’t even know the kid, and I want to nail her windows shut.”
Giving a small chuckle, he said, “Jesus, Robert, she’s in fifth grade. I don’t think he’ll come by to throw rocks at her windows just yet.”
“Right. I know.”
He eyed me suspiciously. “Could that be why it bothered you where Delia worked? Does she remind you too much of your daughter?”
“She definitely does not remind me of my daughter,” I scoffed quickly, then drank from my cup, trying not to show him how much his comment bothered me. I knew if he could see my face, he would see it on me.
Delia might be much younger than me, but she was nowhere near the age of my daughter, for Christ’s sake.
“Are you going to move or not? Quit bogarting the game.”
Jeremy smirked that he’d gotten under my skin by not making his move.
“Your wife then?” he asked, deciding to ignore my harmless knight by his king. He moved his queen forward to take my pawn and planted himself next to my king as well.
“Check, by the way.”
I stared at him for a second. I could see what he was getting at. He wasn’t just saying it. That wasn’t his style. How did he know? Was it that obvious how attracted to her I was?
“I just…you know how I am about that sort of thing. I care about women’s safety.” I moved my king to take his precious king and grinned triumphantly.
Jeremy shook his head. “You can’t do that. My bishop will take your king.” I looked down at the board.
Fuck, he’s right.
“Listen, Robby, I’ve always admired that about you. But it isn’t healthy to try to control other people’s lives that way. What happened to Quinn was…” he shuddered, “…awful. Of course you’re having trouble moving on from that or putting it in a box. But it was an isolated event. It is not the usual outcome. We’ve talked about this.”
“Yeah. We sure have,” I grumbled, staring at the board, but his talking was making it hard to concentrate on my available moves.
“I’m sorry, Bobby, I’m getting too far into therapist mode again, aren’t I?”
“A bit,” I said gruffly, proudly moving my bishop to take his queen instead. I looked up with a grin.
“I’ll back off. Besides, checkmate.”
Checkmate? What the fuck—how?
Before I could look and verify that he really had beaten me, he pulled back with a flair of his hands, greedily excited about his win, and knocked over his mug onto the board. Pieces flew as coffee spilled onto the beautiful wooden set with the velvet inlay.
“Oh, shit!” he cried out, jumping from his chair and scrambling to grab his cup.
I helped him clean, but my mind was elsewhere, even as a friendly barista hurried over with napkins.
I was thinking about what he’d said, about my worry for Delia being connected to Quinn. Of course it was. I could never separate Quinn from the people in my life that I cared about. And I did care about Delia. In my own way. Even if it meant that I had to be someone completely different around my friend, even if it meant I had to live a double life.
Suddenly, a pain shot through my mouth. “Shit, Robert, you’re bleeding. Did I hit you with a piece or something?” Jeremy asked, pointing at my face.
I brought my fingers to my mouth and realized that I had bitten clean through my cheek. The stress of my secret was getting to me.
If no one else would punish me, I would punish myself, apparently.