Chapter 12
Catherine watched him go, too stunned at first to say a word. But then something snapped inside of her, and she lunged forward, racing to catch up with him as she called, “Gray, wait! Please!”
He slowed and finally stopped, but he wouldn’t look at her. She felt his muscles clench beneath her palm as she grabbed his arm, tugging him around to face her.
Several villagers and knights who stood nearby struggled not to gape at the strange sight of their lady accosting their lord in public, but Catherine paid no heed.
All that mattered right now was making Gray understand that his past meant nothing to her.
That it was the man he’d become in the days since his tragedy that made her feel truly happy.
That made her feel loved.
She gripped his arms and looked up at him, trying to make him understand.
“I don’t care what you did, Gray, or didn’t do, when you were a boy.
Aye, I ache for the loss of your sister and the pain it must have caused you, but I don’t blame you for her death.
No one could. Her murder was a horrible deed committed by an evil man who abused women as a way of life.
The fault of Gillian’s death lies with him, not with you! ”
“’Tis in your nature to be generous,” he said, finally meeting her gaze. “That is why ’tis hard for you to believe that I bear fault in this, Elise. And in truth, these past weeks with you, I’ve felt…”
He stopped and looked away, seeming to subdue his emotions by force before he was able to bring his gaze back to hers. “As much as I’d like to, I cannot change reality. I must accept the fact that I almost allowed myself to forget my part in Gillian’s death.”
“But—”
“Nay, lady,” he said, touching his finger gently to her lips.
“Let me finish. Every hour I continue to breathe must be lived to make up for her loss. I vowed that long ago. ’Tis why I never let anything cloud my mind again, be it drink or remedy.
’Tis why I must continue to fight whenever possible as the king’s champion. ”
“But how can that honor Gillian’s memory?”
He paused, and she sensed his withdrawal from her, though he didn’t move in a physical sense.
“I must curry favor with King Henry,” he continued quietly, “so that he will continue to grant me lands and appoint me to positions of power. Positions like Sheriff of Cheltenham. Only then will I be able to see justice done for others in a way that was denied me. This I vowed on the day that Gillian died, no matter what the personal cost to me, no matter what the pain. I cannot be deterred or distracted from that goal. I cannot forsake it lest I fail Gillian, and myself, again.”
He spoke as if he’d uttered that statement many times before. As if he struggled to remind himself again now of its importance above all else in his life.
A horrible thought took hold of Catherine.
She stood facing him, feeling the warmth of his skin under her hand, sensing the powerful play of muscle beneath her fingertips, remembering their lovemaking near the willow field.
And understanding struck her with the force of a gale wind, sucking the life from her with its impact.
She’d never considered their marriage from any other point of view but her own. Not until now.
Whatever the cost, whatever the pain…?
“Sweet Jesu, our union was forced upon you, wasn’t it, Gray?” she whispered. “And you endured it, joining yourself to a woman you knew you would hate. Someone whose very presence couldn’t help but remind you of your enemy and your sins every time you looked at her…”
She tried to see into his eyes, needing to read the truth in the one place he couldn’t hide it. She stood on tiptoe, shifting until he could avoid her gaze no longer, and recoiling with almost physical pain when she saw her answer there.
“I’ll not lie to you,” he answered, raggedly. “It was like that at the start. But not now. It hasn’t been so for—” He broke off and clenched his jaw, emotions full in his eyes.
Then he shook his head and seemed to become almost angry, shaking her hands off of him to grip her arms fiercely with his own.
“Damn it, don’t you understand? I can’t allow myself to feel like this about you.
I can’t let anything cloud my direction or get in the way.
Not now. Not ever.” He let his hands drop from her arms as he looked away.
“Gilbert de Clare’s accusations today reminded me of that. ’Tis the way it must be.”
“Nay. You only make it so by believing it. If you would just—”
“’Tis not just belief. ’Tis the truth that makes me stay this course—the only truth I’ve known for years.”
The truth. Catherine’s stomach clenched and she felt like screaming aloud.
If only he knew the complete and horrible truth.
The truth about her lies and her identity.
She wanted to tell him right now. She wanted to blurt it out and the rest be damned, but Gray’s next words stopped her as cold as if he’d shot an arrow through her heart.
“I have to leave, Elise. Alban brought a message from King Henry, ordering me to ride immediately to Cheltenham. I’m to take part in a grand assize there to judge a land dispute between a powerful abbot and a prior, both vital for their support to the Crown.”
“What?” Terror shot through her, masking all else for the moment. “But you can’t go now! Please—you must wait a little longer, so that I can—”
“I can’t stay,” he broke in. “’Tis the king’s wish that I settle this problem without delay, and I’ll not risk my appointment to Sheriff by ignoring his command.”
She wanted to say something, anything, to make him stop what he was doing, but she couldn’t get past the grim purpose in his eyes.
He looked away. “I’ll return as soon as I can.
” Without meeting her gaze again, he stalked away toward his men, who stood clustered, awaiting him by their steeds.
She heard him give the order to mount up, saw him swing astride his stallion…
Taking two running steps forward, she started to call out for him. She felt him slipping away, and she wanted to make him stop, even if it meant shrieking out the secret that had been bottled up inside of her for all of these weeks, gnawing at her insides. But the words lodged in her throat.
She swung her head, gazing around in desperation; a hundred eyes of villagers, knights, villeins, and lasses seemed to stare back at her. Curse his soul, but Eduard had done his work well. She imagined suspicion in every gaze. Sly awareness. They were like vipers waiting to strike and destroy her.
Just like the deformed man, any one of them might be Eduard’s spy.
Or all of them.
Her fists clenched and her breath rasped painfully.
Nay, ’twas too dangerous to speak out. Her own destruction she could bear, but not her children’s.
She’d not risk their lives more than she already had by committing another selfish act.
She’d do what needed to be done in the right way, at the right time, when there might still be hope of Gray’s help and protection from Eduard.
Silently, she watched her husband spur his heels into his steed’s side and wheel toward the castle. Saw him lead his men away from her in a thundering cloud of dust. He didn’t look back.
Wrapping her arms around her middle, Catherine walked across the Village Square and back to the servants who held her horse for her. With a few words of explanation, she mounted and allowed them to escort her back to the castle by the same trail Gray had taken moments earlier.
Her heart felt heavy, and her head ached.
She didn’t want to move. Didn’t want to think any more.
Only one thing stood out clear and apart from the confusion and the pain: now more than ever she knew that she needed to tell Gray the truth, but it had to be far away from here.
Somewhere secluded, where she could confess without fear of anyone listening and reporting back to Eduard.
She made a clicking sound, urging her mount faster on the trail to the castle.
How long did it take to complete a grand assize?
A week? Two? A month? Sweet Mother Mary, but she hoped that Gray meant it when he said he’d be back soon.
He had to be. Because it appeared that she was going to have to wait until then to unburden herself of all the lies that had grown these past weeks, flourishing into vines that had risen up to strangle her.
So she’d wait.
And pray.
Gray wheeled his stallion to a halt several hours later, calling for his men to make camp. ’Twas not quite dark, but they’d made good time from Ravenslock. It wouldn’t hurt to allow them some extra rest tonight.
While the five knights who’d accompanied him on this mission moved off to gather wood and secure shelter, Alban dismounted with Gray and helped him lead the horses to drink from a nearby stream.
“All right, my friend,” Alban said. “What’s the plan? I know you wouldn’t have interrupted my training of the squires to join you in this unless you had a damn good reason.”
“You’re right. ’Tis of the utmost importance.”
“Something to do with your assignment from the king?”
“Nay. ’Tis a matter of the heart,” Gray answered, cupping some water from the stream. “My heart.”
Alban scowled at him. “Christ, man, I knew you never wanted to marry, but I can’t believe that you’d allow yourself to get involved with another—”
“My wife is the woman in question.”
A long moment of silence passed before Alban finally broke into a grin. He slapped Gray on the back. “Well, why didn’t you say so? I’d hoped it would all work out. She’s a fine woman and a good match.” His voice faded when he caught Gray’s expression. “There’s more to it, I gather.”
Gray nodded and clenched his jaw, stroking his mount’s nose as the stallion raised his head from the water. “I think Elise is hiding something from me. Something important. It lies like a shadow between us.”
“I’ll be the first to admit your ability to sniff out secrets,” Alban murmured, and Gray knew that his friend was remembering how he’d saved him from his nearly fatal imprisonment so many years ago. “What makes you think your lady is keeping one?”
“Just a feeling, mostly. But I have reason as well. Elise…well, she wasn’t untouched when we consummated our union.” Looking off to the side, he mumbled, “Which was this afternoon.”
“Today?” Alban asked, incredulous. “You waited until today to bed her? Why in hell did you put it off for so long?”
“’Tis involved,” Gray said wryly. “Suffice it to say that my wife was not virgin when I joined with her.”
“You think she’s taken a lover, then?”
“Nay—hell, I don’t know. Not since we’ve wed, at least. I’m not sure about before. But I get the feeling that there may be more to all of this than that.”
“It sounds serious,” Alban said, shaking his head as he loosened the bridle on one of the horses. “What do you plan to do about it?”
Gray reached into his saddlebag and retrieved a purse full of coin. “I want to gather some information about Elise. About her life before we married. Only I suspect ’twill be a few days until I’m able to leave Cheltenham and devote my full attention to it.”
He tossed the purse to Alban. “And that’s where you come in, friend.
If you’re willing to help me, then take this.
On the morrow when the rest of us continue on to the assize, veer off toward Somerset and start nosing around for me.
I’ll meet you there in a few days to see what you’ve found, and to add my own efforts to the task. ”
Alban whistled, weighing the purse in his palm. “God’s bones—there’s a small fortune in here.”
“Aye. And we may end up spending every last farthing of it to get to the truth. I want to know all that I can about Elise and her past. But we must work quickly. I need to return to Ravenslock by week’s end.”
“That’s not much time.”
“’Twill be a challenge, no doubt, but one that I must undertake.” Gray held out his hand. “Will you begin it for me, Alban?”
His friend clasped him by the forearm, gripping him tight. “You know I will. I’ll get started at first light.”
Gray nodded and looked back toward the clearing and the orange flames winking at them through the wood. “The men have kindled the fire. Come. We can discuss the particulars of your journey later.”
“After we eat, I hope?”
Gray allowed himself a smile. “Aye, Alban. God knows you think better on a full stomach.”
As they made their way back to the clearing with the horses, Gray jested with Alban about the reliable voracity of his appetite.
But for all of his apparent calm, he felt a knot of anxiety twisting tight inside his belly.
Because he knew that what he learned about Elise in the next few days would likely spell his heart’s salvation—or mark the beginning of its final demise.