Chapter 26
Rebel Arena, Freedom
Eden
I watch the rink with a piercing gaze.
I’m intensely aware of Robyn who’s standing at my shoulder and hopping up and down, swiping her arm through the air like she’s the one with a stick in her hand.
Or a sword, wand, or knowing her, an equally frightening monster dildo.
I don’t think that she’s aware she’s doing it in her enthusiasm for the game.
I side-eye her.
Her hair bounces on each hop.
She looks too cute for me to tell her. Plus, I don’t want her to stop.
“Pass, pass, pass!” Robyn chants under her breath.
I love the way that the golden jersey pendant at her neck glints in the light. I’m desperate to reach out and caress my fingers over it and then the sensitive skin underneath it.
She’d breathe out, shivering.
Then I’d turn her to face me and kiss her because ever since she was my first kiss in the forest, I’ve discovered that her sweet lips are addictive.
Is kissing a hobby?
Shay and D’Angelo do it enough for it to seem like an Olympic sport.
Perhaps, Robyn and I can practice our kissing every morning before we wake up and go to sleep after that magical half an hour, when we lie side by side in bed together by ourselves reading…
I can’t think about that now.
I fucking love this woman.
I force myself to steel my expression.
Does Robyn understand what she does to me?
What she means to Shay and me?
This feels like a date, even if only our arms are brushing, as she jumps about in excitement like she’s the one scoring imaginary goals.
She casts me happy glances.
It makes a ball of happiness glow in my own chest.
We’re totally connected in a way that I didn’t know two people could be, unless they were twins like Shay and me.
Shay promised that this was possible. Finally, I believe him.
I straighten my shoulders, biting my tongue as my ribs protest.
I missed one game but I’m not missing any more.
I’m a brother, lover, and PA.
I’m on this team.
I’ll fucking be beside the ice every game.
I no longer need to wear a suit to game nights, but this morning, I discovered a dozen designer suits laid out on my bed.
D’Angelo leaned in the doorway. “Consider them a signing on bonus. Any PA who represents my brand at events must look presentable. Anyway, you’ve exceeded all my expectations in the role. You’re exceptional. You deserve them. Plus, although I’d never admit that anyone wears a suit better than me, you do look better in them than those tatty joggers.”
I ran my hand along the soft sleeve of the closest suit. “Thank you. They’re perfect.”
D’Angelo tried to hide how pleased that made him with a disinterested expression. “There’s a couple of coats hanging in the closet as well. I’ve also added a clothing allowance to your contract, so that you can choose your own stuff each month.”
I stared after D’Angelo, wide-eyed, as he swept out of the room.
Best. Boss. Ever.
Perhaps, I should buy D’Angelo a mug with that on it…or an apron.
I find that I like the feel of wearing a suit.
Shay hates them.
“It’s like wearing a mask,” Shay whispered to me, as we lay on our bunk beds. “It took me such a bloody long time to work out who I was, and I’m still figuring it out. You know what it’s like, Dee. We had to be whatever everyone else wanted, in order to survive. So, wearing whatever the fuck I like — leather jacket, ripped t-shirts, nail varnish — expressing myself, it helps me to know that I don’t have to become someone else’s doll. I can be myself.”
Yet suits help me to feel the same just like my ink does.
When I slipped on my first smart suit, which D’Angelo gave me to wear to coach’s house, it felt like my true self was finally shining through.
Does D’Angelo understand that?
I think that he does.
For the first time in my life, I wasn’t wearing a mask.
I shove my hand in the pocket of the gray suit with a light silver waistcoat that I chose for tonight. The long woolen coat that I’m wearing over it, which D’Angelo chose, exactly matches my eyes.
I try to hide my wince from the brightness of the lights.
My head is throbbing.
I promised Robyn that it wasn’t, so she’d agree that I could come here with her tonight.
But I couldn’t miss this.
I’m not going to collapse again. I’m only at a three on the scale.
I’m nowhere near the Cody dramatic overacting ten on the scale.
My lips twitch at the memory of Cody’s demonstration.
He’s good at his job though because his exercises are helping. I don’t mind him calling me. I’d even like to visit him and see the seals.
Is that what having a friend means?
I don’t look away from the rink even for a moment.
It’s the third match of the season between Bay Rebels and the Arizona Coyotes, and the atmosphere in the arena is electric.
It’s so much louder standing here close to the glass than being forced to sit between Cody and Michael on the couch and watch on television.
On Thursday night, watching the game while Michael ate hummus and chatted about his broken boiler, I’d debated collapsing again.
It’d been a close call.
The noise of the game through the television is quieter. The screen mutes it. It slows the pace.
Rink side, the players look a thousand times faster, as if they’re flying on a cloud of ice.
I rest my hand against the glass for a moment, before pulling it back; I can feel it trembling.
Or am I trembling?
It’s so fucking hard, standing here in the middle of all this noise. There’s too many people and too much emotion that I don’t really understand.
Yet I’m swept up in the excitement too.
I’ve never wanted Shay to win a game more. This is his moment to shine. Once, I thought that he’d be able to do that only if I stop holding him back. Now, however, I feel that it means he’s been able to because I’m still at his side; I’m simply not wearing skates.
Shay and I can be independent without losing each other.
“Come on,” I mutter under my breath, “focus.”
Shay’s already scored twice, but this isn’t only about winning anymore. This is about Shay hitting that fucking puck into the back of the net again and again and a-fucking-gain, until the Melanies of this world can stop talking about his mental health problems, as if there’s a stigma attached to that when there shouldn’t be, and focus instead on the awesome ice hockey player that he is.
The type of player who could be the best in the NHL…if he’s given the chance.
I take my hand out of my pocket to surreptitiously rub over my temples.
“Headache?” Robyn finally stops recreating the action on the ice with her hands and glances at me.
Obviously, I wasn’t sneaky enough.
“I’m fine.”
“Your head really isn’t hurting, right? Tell me if you need to sit down on the benches or take a break somewhere quieter. It’s wild in here tonight. We should have brought you something to cover your ears. You could have stuffed them with cotton wool or something.”
“I’m not sure that would have fitted with me looking presentable.”
Robyn chuckles. “The Bay Rebels have scored three goals, and the Arizona Coyotes have yet to score. Before today, nobody thought that our team had a chance. I mean, nobody thought that they’d even get near the puck. You could have turned up naked, and the fans would have cheered.”
I arch my brow.
Insulting.
She flushes. “That didn’t come out right. If you’d turned up naked with your tight ass on display, then they’d have cheered and probably, coach and the financial manager would have been delighted that we’d earned the most in Bay Rebels’ history.”
“But not me, when I was arrested like Melanie was.”
She smirks. “We all need to make sacrifices.”
D’Angelo — my captain, boss, hero — has the puck in the offensive zone again and is moving it around. Shay is more keyed into D’Angelo’s instincts and plays than ever before and is closing in on the goal, putting pressure on the defensemen. He’s positioning himself to be ready for D’Angelo’s pass and get in a quality shot.
Their chemistry together is clear on the ice, but most people will think it’s as teammates.
I haven’t seen either of them playing so fiercely before.
But then, it must be because of the interview.
The crowd cheers.
The fans are hyped up, wild with excitement and aggressive support for the team after the scandalous interview with Melanie that’d been screened over the arena.
I’d been stiff with a mix of anxiety and anticipation, watching the interview play out and not being able to do anything about it.
Shay, forced to do his warm ups under the spotlights, had been worse.
When Melanie mentioned Shay, however, the rest of the players on both teams skated to surround him in a supportive circle, partly to screen him from the cameras but also to show their solidarity.
My heart swelled.
Melanie thought that she was tearing Shay and me down with those comments.
It shocked me to look around the arena, however, and realize that she actually made us a home here.
We’re from England but now, we’re accepted in America.
Freedom has adopted us.
“They’ve done it, you know.” Robyn lifts her gaze to mine. “We’ve done it. When I saw the way that D’Angelo handled himself in that interview — his strength and leadership — I knew that not only had we won the game against Melanie and Wilder, but D’Angelo would swagger down here and lead his team to victory on the ice as well.”
“He does swagger.”
“Yep.” Robyn’s eyes crinkle. She turns to me. She looks like she’s struggling not to reach for my hand. “That suit looks good on you. Perhaps, you should swagger more.”
“I’ll give it a go.”
“You do that.”
When the crowd erupts and the goal horn sounds, my gaze snaps back to the rink.
“Shay scored again!” Robyn cheers.
I clap.
Then I glance at coach, who’s standing by the benches and watching the game like a hawk. I let out a breath of relief, when he punches the air in celebration.
Robyn’s dad is a tough man. I don’t want Robyn to know how much he triggers me.
D’Angelo finds it harder to deal with coach than I do because he’s constantly trying to also win his approval.
Shay is caught somewhere between puppy like hero worship because coach was once a star player, but at the same time, it causes Shay pain whenever he disappoints coach.
I know that I’ve already disappointed him.
I could never have been the player that coach wanted.
Yet Robyn loves her dad. He’s her family.
Plus, coach is giving a chance to people like Shay who other teams in the NHL team wouldn’t have signed.
I don’t need the man to like me. But I do need him to leave us alone.
He has too much power over our lives.
I glower, noticing Bronwyn and the ginger haired Anderson sitting on the benches beneath coach. They look caught up in the excitement of the game, although Bronwyn appears more pleased that we’re winning. On the other hand, Anderson’s expression is sour.
Robyn follows my gaze.
Then she pulls a face. “Those assholes will need to back off for a little while at least now. They’ll hate that Melanie’s interview created noise, but at the same time, she’ll look like the obsessed stalker who created it. D’Angelo is the guardian angel of both Shay and the Bay Rebels. They’re only minutes from winning this game, then for the start of this season, we’re untouchable.”
“And we can breathe again.”
Robyn leans up, as close to me as she dares in public, as play starts up again on the ice.
I grit my teeth not to react, as her breasts rub against me.
“We can take a breath, recover, have fun together.” Robyn’s lips are against my ear, as she whispers, “And love.”
Is it the feel of her pressed against the front of me, which has made my cock harden?
Yet it’s word love, which makes my cock twitch.
She pulls back from me with a happy hum like she knows the effect that she’s had on me.
I blush, glancing down.
Why did D’Angelo choose suits with such tight trousers? But then, all his suits are tight.
Shay told me with a smirk that it’s because D’Angelo likes to show off his ass, since his ego is as big as his dick.
I hurriedly push my hand into my coat pocket and wrench it shut to cover my front.
Robyn’s biting her lip like she’s trying to stop herself from laughing.
At least there’s no one else close enough to see…
“Hey,” a quiet voice says behind me.
Startled, I twirl around. I back up a step.
My heart speeds up. I tighten my coat around myself even more.
A short but athletic man with tanned skin and rich, amber eyes is standing with his hands nervously clutched in front of him. He looks maybe a year older than me and is dressed in the medical staff uniform with Bay Rebels logo.
Robyn glances at him. “Is there a problem? We didn’t call for assistance. Unless you’re not still feeling okay, Eden?”
“I’m fine.” I study the man.
He looks more awkward than I feel.
I don’t recognize him.
But then, all of a sudden, I do.
It’s his hair, which I recognize, a wild tumble of golden curls.
He’s the lion who’d been kneeling obediently in the photograph in front of D’Angelo in nothing but glittery yellow shorts, while wearing a golden lion’s mask. He had an awesome tattoo, even if kittens should never be bound.
He is the kitten.
“This was a mistake,” the man mutters, turning on his heel.
“Noah,” I force myself to say.
Noah turns back. His smile is tight. He looks sick with nerves.
Noah’s gaze darts between Robyn and me like we’re going to attack him at any moment. His fear makes my own settle.
“I’ve been watching you most of the evening, trying to work up the courage to come and speak to you.” He runs his hand though his curls, making them even messier. “I thought that with us all working, it’d be good cover, you know?”
Robyn’s eyes widen. “Oh, I see. I didn’t know that you knew that we knew that—”
“Before you become even more lost in that sentence,” Noah’s lips twitch, “let me explain. Jude told me about what’s been going on. He wanted me to have equal say in it. He told me that different players were being targeted and that you were the one being sent texts, Ms. McKenna.”
“Call me Robyn,” she says.
Noah smiles, shyly. “Thank you. I’m not ashamed in any way about…” He glances around us, and even though no one is close to us, his lips still thin. “…who I am. It’s only toxic gendered roles that make people think men can only be one way. But my family won’t feel the same. Especially, some of my wealthy, extended family like Silas who have a lot of power in Bay Rebels and within this town. You know that.”
Robyn clenches her jaw. “Yeah, I do.”
“Why are you talking to us now?” I ask.
Is Noah frightened of us? Does he think that we’re going to reveal his secret? Ruin his life?
Noah hugs his arms around himself. “I trust Jude. I’d never play with someone who I didn’t. He’s been a nightmare for the hockey team for years. Silas has ranted about it a lot. But within the community, Jude’s respected. He looks out for people who are new on the…well, you know. He makes sure that no one’s taking advantage and that everyone can come to him for advice or support.” I frown. Why hasn’t D’Angelo told us this? “He never pushes people’s limits or does anything without negotiation and contracts…”
“Let me guess, in triplicate.” Then Robyn adds to cover herself, “You should see how anal he is about the paperwork with poor Eden here.”
Noah shoots me a sympathetic look. “You must be a true saint to be his PA.”
“I’m lucky.” I tilt up my chin.
Noah arches his golden eyebrow. “It looks like you both are. I’m glad. Look, I’m risking coming to talk to you because I needed to say this. Fuck, it’s taken a lot to get myself to. He told me that he trusts you. He doesn’t trust many people in his life outside… Well, that’s none of my business. The point is that if he says you won’t tell anyone about this, then I’m going to take his word for that. He’s a good man.”
I’m really starting to believe that now.
Still, I blink.
Noah’s putting his entire life in D’Angelo’s hands.
Because of his faith in him.
Robyn’s staring at Noah with the same amazement as I feel.
“I didn’t think that you’d dated him,” Robyn blurts.
Noah chokes on a laugh. “Dated…? Shit, I’d be so lucky. Everybody wants to date Jude. I mean, pretty much the whole of Freedom. But he never dates anyone. As his PR Director, you should probably know this. If you’re lucky, then you get a couple of nights, but it’s normally…” His pupils dilate, and his tongue darts out to wet his lips. “…like the photograph, one incredible night, which he makes mind-blowing. You know that it won’t be more, going into it. He never leaves anyone unsatisfied or unhappy.”
Robyn’s own pupils have become dilated like she’s lost in her own memories of times with D’Angelo.
“Are you still in danger because of the photograph?” My guts churn with unease.
Noah’s gaze immediately slides back to Anderson. “I don’t know.”
“We’ll protect you,” the words are out before I realize that I mean them.
Normally, I can’t talk to strangers like this.
Somehow, the joint danger that we’ve shared makes it easier. Also, there’s an edge of shameless sunniness to Noah that reminds me of Shay.
Except, he’s shyer. Also, more anxious.
I hate that it’s because he’s still living with his monsters, while I managed to get Shay away from ours.
I’m not trapped in the dark with them, and Shay’s not still banging desperately on the door to get to me.
I turn a hard glare on Anderson.
Noah appears shocked. “You don’t know me.”
“It’s like you said,” I reply. “Obviously, you trust and respect Jude. So do I. If you’re important to him, then you’re important to me.”
“D’Angelo said that he’d offered for you to move into his mansion.” Robyn’s gaze is flicking between Noah and me. “Perhaps, you should think about taking him up on that as a lodger. It would give you a chance to work out a way to gain some independence from your dad. Perhaps, he’d object to it, if D’Angelo was living there. But the building’s empty right now.”
“It’s hard to feel safe, when it’s your own family hurting you,” I say.
Noah pales. “They d-d-don’t…I n-n-never said…”
“It’s not wrong to ask for help,” I continue, firmly.
Robyn taught me that.
She’s giving me a soft smile.
It fills up the numb, hollowness inside me.
I said the right thing.
I did, right?
I seem to have because Noah nods.
“I’ll think about it.” He pushes his hair out of his eyes. “Thank you.”
All of a sudden, the excitement in the audience ratchets up again.
I turn back to the rink. “Come on, Shay.”
Shay’s heading for the goal again with laser focus.
He’s fucking soaring…
He’s scored four goals already.
Let him score again and again and…
A defenseman is just behind him.
My heart is beating fast.
Shay weaves around the final defenseman. Then he raises his stick, aiming at the goal.
“You can do it,” I whisper. “You can fucking do it.”
Shay shoots…and he scores.
The audience ignites into applause, whooping, and celebrations.
I don’t look away from the rink, however, where the team are raising their sticks in celebration with D’Angelo leading them.
Shay isn’t with them, however, he’s skating toward me.
I move toward the glass, pulling my hand out of my pocket to rest it against the glass.
Shay slams into the glass, making it vibrate.
He’s grinning so widely that his mouth must hurt.
He rests his hand against the glass on the other side. His gaze doesn’t look away from mine.
“That one was for you, bro.” His gaze still doesn’t look away from mine.
The cameras are on us now: twins with our hands touching on each side of the glass.
I know what he’s doing. He’s making sure that I’m seen tonight.
I’m not his shadow.
He’s honoring my sacrifice.
All night, he’s been playing with such fierceness because he’s been scoring for all of us.
It’s never been just about him.
My heart soars.
We’ve won. We’re together. And Shay and I have finally found our new family and home.
A place that we both fit.
When Shay’s gaze slides to Robyn, he pulls his hand away from the glass and touches it to his neck.
Robyn flushes, reaching up to touch the pendant.
Shay winks. “I won the bet tonight.”