Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
Tom had enjoyed his day with Clara and wanted to dwell on the memory for a little longer.
However, as much as he thought about the nice walk they had enjoyed and her glorious company, the beer garden had been his worst nightmare.
How it frustrated him that no matter what he did there were always reminders of his past. He thought there might be no hope for him when even talk of a holiday created mayhem in his mind.
Clara might have been chatting about her pilgrimage, and although he was interested in experiencing this himself, it still made Tom shudder as he thought of the last holiday he had been on.
He told himself it was too late for regrets. But he suddenly felt like the world was crashing in on him. Everywhere he looked there were reminders and, not only that, but temptation too.
When Tom walked past a group of office workers who were getting merry outside a bar, it was as if they were goading him – they may as well have shouted, “Look at what you’re missing out on”!
He took note of the exaggerated laughs, the loud conversation and the friendships that were being formed over alcohol.
It was like a glue that bonded them. Oh, how he missed that feeling.
As he watched a guy in overly tight grey suit trousers and a white shirt pick up his pint glass and put his lips to it, Tom had to turn his head.
His mouth had begun to salivate as he recalled the feeling of when the first trickle of liquid used to flow down his oesophagus.
Then there would be the warmth that spread over his body as it started to work its magic.
But then came his favourite part. After a few more drinks fears and anxiety faded; it was when he felt invincible and as though nothing mattered in the world.
That was what he used to look forward to all day and when all his inner torment about doing a job he didn’t enjoy so that he could pay the bills, left him alone.
The problem was that it only lasted so long.
He would quickly move on from this stage and start to stagger, slur, and sometimes could even get annoyed, despite being calm and collected when sober.
He never remembered shouting at a neighbour about his loud music, but everyone in the vicinity did.
He wished that everyone else had the same drunken amnesia that he had.
That was the worst moment. That’s when the desperation erupted along with the realisation of what he had done.
Then he would encounter the feeling of sickness, not only physically but also mentally.
The only thing to do was to repeat the cycle and so by mid-morning it would start over again.
It would begin with the contentment, the euphoria and the invincibility, until Diana had suffered enough and left Tom for the man she had been secretly having an affair with.
He didn’t blame her, but it was the catalyst that threw him deeper into addiction.
There had been no point getting up in the morning when even his family had abandoned him.
That’s when something heinous happened. Something so terrible that what little relationship remained with Josh was fractured for good.
Tom had sat alone on his sofa for days, crying, telling himself he needed help until finally, he googled Alcoholics Anonymous, where he met his wonderful mentor, Pat O’Sullivan.
Going to AA was a lifeline as he admitted things to sympathetic strangers that he wouldn’t dream of telling anyone else. Nobody was more empathetic than Pat, who Tom hit it off with from the start.
Addiction and a love of rock bands bonded them, and Pat was the only person who seemed to understand how Tom was feeling.
Pat had met many guys like Tom over the years.
He was an experienced sponsor at AA who had struggled with alcoholism himself since he was 16.
What started out as a few drinks after work at a Youth Training Scheme in a building society during the late Eighties eventually spiralled to him losing his family when he chose alcohol over them, which was a similarity many of the members shared, including Tom.
Like any addiction, Pat knew how quickly booze could take over and understood exactly how his newer members would be feeling.
Admitting you had a problem was the hardest step and he was pleased Tom had recognised this and hoped he had kicked the habit for good.
Although unbeknownst to Tom, he sensed that the way he couldn’t forgive himself for what happened with Josh, and feeling unworthy of moving on could ultimately be his downfall.
Still, he gave him all the encouragement he could and promised him that he would beat this, which Tom had for the past two years.
Pat was concerned for Tom’s future though. Sometimes he had tried to talk about what he envisioned his future to be like.
‘I don’t know. Getting through one day is enough. I can’t imagine any future,’ Tom would tell him.
‘But you need hope. Think of a positive future. Where would you like to be in a year, or five years from now?’
‘I can’t imagine a tomorrow. Let alone next year,’ he had replied.
Pat didn’t push him but suggested Tom buy a plant for the new home he had moved into. Plants, Pat had told him, represented hope for another day, even during those moments of despondency.
As Tom arrived home and stood on his doorstep, he looked at the cactus he had bought and remembered those words.
That flowering cactus looked inconspicuous, but it represented hope for tomorrow.
Although, when he thought about it, his doorstep plant seemed piteous when he compared it to the flora of the lovely cottage he had shared with his ex-wife.
When they first moved in, the garden had been bursting with colour and the couple were excited about the space for a vegetable patch at the back.
Tom had even promised Diana that he would grow those earthy new potatoes that his dad used to plant.
Sadly, the truth was that he never got around to it.
Then, one drunken night, he walked straight through the cabbages Diana had carefully planted and ruined the entire crop.
He might have also urinated on them, but there was no evidence of that, just a hazy memory and an irate wife.
And the shame he felt as he thought about it.
Tom shut the front door and threw himself on the sofa, closing his eyes to drown out the memories once again.
He had so many regrets but, as Pat drilled into him, it was time to put all of that behind him.
There was a glimmer of hope that it was possible to have a blessed tomorrow.
Tom couldn’t change the past, but he could take control of his future and he hoped that Clara would be a big part of that.