Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Tom wasn’t one to read newspapers. He didn’t wish to read about doom and gloom.
He hated all the misery in the world and wanted only happiness for people.
He questioned why life was so complicated and why people couldn’t live in harmony when we were all only here for a short time.
He was very much a pacifist and hated fighting, wars or conflict of any kind.
He wanted people to get on with each other.
He hated conflict in his own life too. The irony was that his alcohol dependency had been a source of conflict but, when he drank, this fear of conflict was numbed, even if it wasn’t for others around him.
He was having a bad day at rehab and considering whether it was all worth it.
He was missing Clara more than ever before.
Tom was becoming more and more devastated that he had lost the woman who made him smile simply by rolling her eyes or flicking her hair, and who made him laugh without even speaking.
Clara had represented hope for a happier future and now he didn’t know what he had to look forward to when he came out of rehab. What was the point of it all?
It had been a rollercoaster since he’d arrived.
There were days where he felt as though he could win the battle and be cured forever of that voice in his head that said he’d be okay to stop at one drink.
Then he had days where he was convinced that he wasn’t strong enough to do any of it.
He questioned whether he would ever beat it, or if it was even worth trying to and that was the biggest problem.
He didn’t have a motive. On a few occasions, he had been half tempted to check himself out and none more so than right now.
He figured he was a grown man; he could do what he wanted.
It wasn’t as if he had the love of Clara.
He could walk out right now and be free to live as he chose.
Nobody cared about him. He had no visitors, apart from Pat who was due to arrive shortly.
If it wasn’t for Pat then he probably would have signed his way out of St Luke’s already, but that would mean having to admit to him that he was a complete and utter failure.
Every now and then when he was at his lowest, a little voice reminded him that Pat knew what he was going through, having done it himself, and if he could beat it, so could Tom.
They weren’t that different but Tom envied Pat for making it look so easy to get – and stay – sober.
Tom was in the communal area waiting for Pat to visit as a daytime show played quietly on the TV in the corner.
He couldn’t focus on anything when he was having a day where he so desperately wanted to walk out.
He wondered whether he should speak to a member of staff to ask them what he had to do to escape the confines of rehab when he noticed a newspaper laid out on the table beside a patient.
Due to his aversion to the news, he would never have normally glanced at the page it was open on, but something made him stop in his tracks.
It was the photo covering half the page that got his attention.
‘Clara?’
Paul, one of the fellow patients, who Tom had spoken to a few times, looked up from his chair.
‘What was that?’ said Paul.
‘Sorry, I think I noticed something interesting in there,’ said Tom, pointing at the newspaper. He tilted his head for a closer look at the photo and realised it was undoubtedly Clara peering out from the page.
‘Are you reading this? Can I have a look a second?’
‘Yeah. All boring in there anyway. Some reverend got a promotion, a local restaurant won an award . . . Take it.’
Tom clutched the paper tightly as he looked closer at Clara’s photograph.
He hadn’t forgotten those lips, her softness, her roaring laugh, nor the way she bounced into a room and made everyone smile; every little thing about Clara was ingrained into his memory.
When he arrived at rehab, the one thing he wished he had was a photo of her to keep beside his bed to remind him of the good times they’d had.
It felt like fate that he had walked past Paul’s newspaper and glanced over as he was on that page.
He was ecstatic to see Clara’s photo, but he felt lost at what he read in the article beside it.
Local Reverend Gets Promotion
The well-loved Reverend Clara Bennett is off to pastures new.
After twenty-five years at St Peter’s, the community was shocked to hear of her departure as she sets her sights on Cambridge.
The position of senior chaplain at King’s College will be a promotion for the popular reverend and many are already sad at the news.
Members of the congregation have admitted they are devastated to lose her but understand that this was an offer that couldn’t be turned down.
Bennett is said to be delighted to be taking up the new role.
She said, ‘It’s time for a new challenge.
I am thrilled to be moving to Cambridge to join King’s College.
Of course, everyone will be sorely missed, but this is the opportunity of a lifetime.
Becoming a senior chaplain is a fantastic move for me and I will always remember my time at St Peter’s.
Saying goodbye to everyone will be sad, but sometimes we need a new start in life. ’
Set to leave in five weeks’ time, there’s plenty of opportunity to say goodbye before she heads off. Clara will be holding a final service for those wishing to attend on . . .
He looked at the date of the Michaelmas service and decided that he must be out and recovered by then. He needed to see her before she left; this changed everything.
He was still holding the newspaper and cherishing Clara’s photo when Pat walked in.
‘Isn’t that your lovely reverend friend?’ he said.
‘It is and she’s leaving. I never thought she would leave Oxford. Do you think she’s going because of me?’
‘No. Of course not. Why would she?’
Tom looked back at the newspaper and read from her interview.
‘Look, it says, “sometimes we need a new start in life.” Why does she need a new start? Why would she choose to leave now?’
‘Um, maybe because a new job came up. It doesn’t mean she’s leaving because of you.’
Pat was concerned how this might affect Tom. Would this cause a setback? Clara seemed to be the only person he had any purpose in life for right now, even though they weren’t in contact. If he knew in his heart that she was absolutely not coming back then he hated to think how it could affect him.
‘I hope you’re right. I wouldn’t want to think she was leaving the job she loved because of what happened with me. That would be terrible. But what if she’s going because she wants to make sure I never find her again?’
‘I think you’re overthinking there. She’d hardly be doing newspaper interviews announcing where she was going if that was the case.’
‘Hmm, I guess so.’ He bit at his bottom lip. ‘I need to see her before she leaves. I’m going to get better, Pat.’
‘Okay, but you need to sort yourself out first. You have to think of yourself. We’ve discussed this. You can’t have Clara as a distraction or have your sobriety dependent on her. You have to recover for you, and not anyone else.’
‘But I pushed her away and I want to make amends. It was all my fault.’
Pat lowered his voice. He could see Tom was starting to worry at the thought of never seeing Clara again.
‘Tom, you have to focus on your recovery. That’s what’s most important right now. You don’t have to forget about Clara totally, but you don’t need that distraction. You’ve a long way ahead of you yet before you can wholeheartedly get into a relationship. You need to work on yourself.’
‘Tell me how to do it.’
‘I’ve stood where you’re standing, Tom. You can do it but it’s not an overnight fix. You need to be transparent. You’ll have to be honest with Clara – about everything, and that means what happened with Josh. Why won’t you tell anyone what happened? It might help to talk about it.’
Tom looked down at his feet. Josh was a different story.
‘Anything except that. Help me, Pat. Please.’
‘Okay, for now, you need to take things slowly. Focus on one thing at a time. You’ve stopped drinking. When I did it, I remember it took two years for me to finally get stronger. It wasn’t an overnight fix.’
Tom had less than two months until Clara left.
He didn’t have anything like two years to recover, but he did have a steely determination when it came to the woman he loved.
As Pat spoke about his experience, he glanced at Clara’s photo.
He would do whatever it took to try and win her back.
This time, he would make everyone proud, especially his beloved Clara.