Chapter 6
Ryan’s world narrowed to Emily. To her words. To the story that had the power to ruin him.
She’d followed him.
“Where?” The word barely escaped his constricted throat.
“It was one of those short, low-elevation bridges near my apartment. Thankfully, my window was open, so I got out, and a passerby jumped in and got me out of the water.” Her gaze lowered to where his hands sat on her knee.
“But the impact of my car hitting the water basically broke my knee into pieces. I needed a few surgeries. There are pins and screws in there. Usually I can manage fine, but when I do too much running or move it the wrong way, or even when it’s cold, it can get irritated. ”
He could see it. The car hitting the railing. Her inside, plunging into the water. And the pain.
She could have died. If her window hadn’t been open, she may have. Or if her leg had become stuck.
Fuck, he wanted to be sick. He’d broken up with Emily for her. But she’d been in that car because of him. She’d almost died because of him.
His gaze dropped to her knee again, the jagged scars burning into his brain in a way that could never be erased.
“It’s not your fault.”
His gaze shot back up at her whispered words.
There was the faint hint of tears in her eyes.
Hurt. Hurt he’d put there.
“How is this not my fault?” It was. She was in that car because of him.
“I was upset. It was raining. I shouldn’t have gotten into my car. And the truck driver shouldn’t have been drinking. No one could have seen all that coming.”
He should have seen. He should have known she’d follow him. Instead, he’d been too focused on his own pain. On what he’d lost.
“You almost died.” There was a bite to his words. An anger. But also fear. A fear he wasn’t sure he’d ever shake.
“I’m okay,” she pushed. “And more than that, I achieved everything you knew I would. So it was worth it.”
There was a hollowness to her words. He heard it. Fuck, he felt it.
Nothing about this was okay. Not the crash. Not her knee.
Slowly, she pulled her legs off his lap. “I should go.”
No. He didn’t want her to go. He didn’t want her out of his damn sight.
But she wasn’t his. He’d made sure of that five years ago.
She was almost at the door, when he called, “Wait.” He took her bowl into the kitchen and transferred the mac and cheese into a container.
She shook her head. “You didn’t need to do that.”
“You forget to eat after long days.”
Her eyes flared. Because she was surprised he remembered? She obviously didn’t know that he’d memorized every little thing about her a long time ago. Her favorite flower was the scarlet-red Indian paintbrush. Floral wallpaper reminded her of her favorite person—her grandmother.
“Thank you.” Gently, she took the container, and as she did, their hands grazed. It was barely a touch. A whisper of skin against skin. But it felt like a flame, burning his flesh.
Of their own volition, his feet inched forward.
“Ryan…” She whispered his name, but there was nothing in her voice that told him she wanted him to step back and put distance between them.
So he didn’t.
He cupped her cheek, and fuck, it felt like he held the entire world in the palm of his hand. “I missed you.”
She leaned into his touch, closing her eyes and just sitting in the moment for a second.
When she opened her eyes, they shifted to his mouth.
That was all it took. One glance and he was moving. Lowering.
He kissed her.
For the first time in five years, he felt her lips again. And it was like a piece of him had finally returned. Like he was whole again.
He moved his lips against hers. They were just as soft as he remembered. Soft and pliant and so fucking responsive.
She opened, and he slipped inside. Then he was tasting her, and that sweet wild berry flavor he’d been deprived of for so long consumed him.
He turned slightly and pressed her to the wall. She groaned, her back arching, her chest pushing into him.
He lowered his hands to her ass and lifted her, her legs immediately wrapping around his waist.
They’d always fit like this. Like two pieces of a puzzle that had been perfectly cut to be together. He’d never forgotten. Not how she felt. Not how she completed him. None of it. It had all lived inside him since the day they’d met.
He kissed down her cheek and jawline. “I’m sorry, Emi. I’m so damn sorry.”
“You are?”
He reached her neck and sucked, like she was a luscious fruit he was trying to devour. “That night, that crash, it shouldn’t have happened.”
She tensed. Her body turned so hard it was like every bit of softness just leaked out of her. “You’re sorry about the crash?”
“Yes.”
Suddenly, her palm pressed at his chest. “Put me down, Ryan.”
“What’s wrong?” He lifted his head to look at her.
“Put me down. Now.”
Gently, he set her on her feet, making sure she was steady, particularly on the left side, before letting go.
She didn’t look at him as she slipped from between him and the wall. “I’m going to go.”
Again, he wanted to stop her. But she didn’t live here. She had a bigger life than Deep River could offer. Than he could ever offer.
“Thank you for the food.” They were her last words before she stepped outside.
And he just stood there, like an idiot, watching her leave. Walk across his yard to her car. Even after she drove away, he didn’t close the door. He just watched the road, wondering what the hell his plan was.
But he already knew the answer to that.
There was no plan. No next step. She’d leave, and he’d have to figure out how to live without her…again.
Emily waited until she’d turned onto the next street. Only then did she let the first tear fall.
He was sorry. But not for breaking up with her. Not for pulling the ground out from beneath her feet and letting her fall into nothing.
He was sorry for the crash. For her knee. For the physical scars that night had inflicted.
But what about the other scars? The ones that couldn’t be seen from the outside. The ones she felt every second of every day.
She swiped a tear from her cheek.
She’d loved him. She’d loved him with her whole heart in a way she’d never known possible before him.
But while she’d been planning a life with him, creating a world centered around the two of them, he hadn’t even wanted her to be a small part of his.
She hated that night. She hated everything about it. And yet, it would forever live inside her.
Emily stepped into the apartment, an immediate smile curving her lips at the sight of Ryan in the center of the room, phone to his ear.
He was back. He was finally back.
He turned to face her, and her heart thumped. Because God, looking at him, being in the same room for the first time in over a month, finally allowed her to breathe again.
“Hey.” She crossed the distance between them and threw herself into his arms.
He was warm and hard, the muscles in his chest flexing against her. It had been too long. He’d been gone with his team, away in some unknown country for weeks.
She waited for him to hold her back. To wrap those powerful arms around her waist and tell her he’d missed her as much as she’d missed him.
Five seconds passed. Seven.
When he never did, she lifted her cheek, her brows coming together. “Are you okay?”
She studied his face, noticing things she hadn’t seen at first glance. The crease between his brows. The pale shade of his skin.
She stepped back. “Did something happen on the mission? Are the guys okay? Oh God, is it Nora?”
“Nora’s fine. So are the guys.”
There was something about his voice. A heaviness that sat between them. “What is it?”
A long pause passed before he spoke. “You got the part.”
He knew? How did he know? “I did.”
“You turned it down.”
Had her mother told him? “Yeah.”
“Why?”
She swallowed, casting her focus around the kitchen without really seeing, as she tried to piece her words together in a way he’d understand.
But it took too long.
Anger cut across his features. It was so unfamiliar, she almost didn’t recognize him. “You wanted this. It’s the biggest role you’ve ever been offered, and it could ignite your career.”
Not could—would. It would shoot her straight into stardom. She knew that. She’d still said no. “Ryan, you have to know why I turned it down. I’d never see you. I’d be away for nine months for filming. We barely see each other as it is! Our schedules would never align.”
He looked as if she’d hit him. “You’re doing this for me?”
“For us.”
“No. You’re not throwing away your future for me, Emily.”
“I’m not throwing it away. I’m prioritizing our relationship. I love you. I want to be with you as much as I can, and if that means staying here in California and taking smaller roles so that I can be home between your missions, then that’s what I want to do.”
“No.” He stormed around her.
“What do you mean, no? It’s not your choice.”
“You’re taking that role.”
“I’m not.”
He spun back toward her. “We’ve only been dating for five months.”
“Exactly. We’ve only been dating for five months.” She stepped closer, setting her palms on his chest, needing him to understand. “And I already know…I choose you.”
“It’s the wrong choice.”
She almost flinched as she pulled her hands back. “Fine. But it’s still my choice.”
“This role, this career, it’s all you’ve ever wanted.”
“Until you.” He’d changed everything. Rearranged her plans. Her dreams. Made her reach for something different. Something deeper. Something that felt so much more worth holding on to.
“I’m not letting you throw away your future for me.”
“I’m not throwing away anything.” What the hell was going on? Shouldn’t he be happy? She saw a future with him. Her career meant nothing if she didn’t have him. Didn’t he know that?
“A life with me isn’t stable. I disappear for months at a time…fuck, some guys don’t come back.”
This time she did flinch.
“This is your chance,” he continued, as if he thought he could actually change her mind. “You are not turning it down so that you can sit around and wait for a guy who might not even come home.”
“Stop it, Ryan.”
“I’m not going to be the mistake you wake up to in ten years and realize you gave it up for the wrong reason.”
Tears burned her eyes. “I’m not giving up anything. I’m choosing something.”
“You’re choosing wrong, and I won’t allow it.”
“Allow?” She stepped back.
“Yes, allow.”
“What is even going on right now? I love you, Ryan. That’s enough.”
Something flashed across his face. Pain. Maybe even regret. But it disappeared as quickly as it came.
Then he was completely unreadable. A stranger. A man wearing a mask she’d never seen. “I’m leaving, Emily.”
A coldness raced through her body like a bolt of ice. “Leaving? For how long?”
“We’re done.”
Her stomach hit the floor so hard she thought she’d be sick. “No. You’re not breaking up with me.”
“I am.” His words were slow now. Maybe even with a hint of emotion cutting through.
The room swayed, tears blurring her vision. “You’re breaking up with me because I turned down a job?”
“I’m breaking up with you because you deserve a life that’s more than waiting for me.” He closed a bit of the distance between them. “Because you were born to act, to let the entire world see your talent, not just me.”
“You don’t get to decide that for me.”
“I just did.”
Something broke inside her. Something snapped so hard and fast she almost keeled over.
“Don’t.” Her word was so quiet she wasn’t even sure he heard. “Don’t do this.”
“Goodbye, Emi.” He leaned down and touched his lips to her forehead.
Her eyes closed, tears falling down her cheeks in a stream. Then she opened them to see him walk out of her apartment, away from her. From them. Not looking back. Not caring that he’d just broken her in a way she’d never been broken before. In a way she’d probably never recover from.
Emily pulled into the parking lot outside the inn, forcing herself out of the memory. Trying to re-erect the armor she’d built to protect herself. To protect her heart.
She wiped the wetness from her cheeks and climbed from her car, returning to her room. To her life. A life she’d built without him. Not by choice. By force.