Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
FAITH
Rose added glitter near my eyes. “Girl, Adam won’t know what hit him.” She raised her eyebrows suggestively.
My cheeks flushed.
Marissa swiveled on a nearby chair at the kitchen counter. “Ohhh.” She saw me and shimmied her shoulders, holding the gingerbread cookie that she had taken a large bite of.
My fingers reached to spin my anxiety ring, but then I remembered I had taken it off for the dance. “Is this even okay? It’s kind of public, and what about Danny? What will people think?”
Rose rolled her eyes and picked up her eyeliner, adding a layer with her practiced hand. “People will think what people will think. That has nothing to do with you or what you choose.” She tilted my chin up, turning my face toward the light.
Marissa nodded. “That’s true.” She swallowed another bite. “Other people aren’t in your sphere of influence. You can’t waste time worrying about something out of your control.” She bit another big chunk.
“Sounds like someone has been making good use of therapy,” I teased.
“Maybe you should look back into it.” She raised her eyebrows. “I know someone if you need.” She grinned.
I chuckled. Marissa had been using my friend Sarah as a therapist.
“What really matters is what do you think? What do you feel?” Marissa added.
What did I think about Adam? What did I feel? How would this affect Danny? Then there was the fact that my past clung to me, refusing to let me go.
“I think…maybe it’s not that simple.” My brow furrowed.
Rose grabbed her lip stain. “It never is, especially once men are involved.” She unscrewed the lid. “It’s easy to fancy yourself special to someone in the glow of night, but in the morning the truth comes out.” She applied the stain a little rougher than necessary to my lips.
I pulled away from Rose and looked at her. “Rose…” My eyebrows lowered. Marissa hopped off her stool and came to her side.
Rose shrugged off our concern. “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m fine. I promise.” She stiffened her shoulders. “Besides, you should see what I did to his car.”
Marissa flinched.
Rose set her lip stain in her makeup carrier. “I stuck maxi pads all over his car. I hope it freezes and rips all the paint off.” She raised an eyebrow.
“Wait, I thought you said it was over with Blake already?” I pinched my brow.
“Oh, um, yeah.” She looked away from me and shrugged. “We just met up one more time.” She focused on her make up bag. “Anyway, enough about that. Follow me.”
Marissa and I followed her down the hallway to her bedroom. We stepped into Rose’s room with the black and white male model posters all over the walls, and there on the bed was a baby-blue gown. It had a one shoulder design and flared out above the knees.
Rose held up the dress. “Thought the princess might need a dress for the ball.”
I gasped, and I went and felt the soft silk. “It’s beautiful, but I can’t wear your dress.”
Rose laughed. “There is no way you would fit into my dress.” She pointed to her chest for emphasis.
“I borrowed it from Shayla. She already wore it twice and won’t wear it again.
” Shayla was a friend of Rose’s that lived in Haven Falls.
When she went down for a weekend, that was usually who she stayed with.
Marissa touched the fabric. “That color will look amazing on you! It matches your eyes.”
“I think it will look great with your silver heels too.” Rose raised her brow. “Will you do something for me tonight?” Rose asked.
“Of course.” I reached forward and grabbed her hand.
“When you get back, I need details of how Adam fell at your feet.” Rose wiggled her eyebrows. “Because he definitely will.”
“For sure.” Marissa chuckled.
I took a deep breath. Ever since Christmas Eve, I thought over and over about what Adam said about his pet peeve being people who were pretending.
He deserved the truth, especially if we went on more dates, but Marissa and Rose deserved the truth first.
I clenched my fingers and forced a deep breath into my lungs.
“Okay…” I pursed my lips together. “I need to tell you guys something.” I sat down on Rose’s bed.
Marissa sat beside me, and Rose waited, her eyebrow raised.
“It’s about my past.” I took a deep breath and held it for three.
Marissa’s eyes widened, and Rose gestured for me to continue.
I closed my eyes, unable to look at their faces, and see the disappointment flash in their eyes.
“My real name isn’t Faith.” I peeked at their reaction.
Marissa’s eyebrows were furrowed, and Rose was rolling her eyes.
“Well, I mean it is, because I legally changed it, but my birth name is Astrid…” I fidgeted with my fingers, missing my ring, and cleared my throat.
No going back now. “My birth name is Astrid Luxe.” I closed my eyes and bowed my head, waiting for the exclamations and outrage.
“Who?” Marissa sounded confused.
“Astrid Luxe,” Rose repeated, with no shock in her voice.
Marissa was shaking her head. “Sorry, but I have no idea who that is?” She looked towards Rose. “Should I?”
Rose huffed. “Yes, and you do.”
“No, I really don’t think I do.” Marissa’s eyebrows lowered.
“Yes. You do.” Rose threw her hands in the air. “Astrid Luxe, as in the Luxe fashion icon in New York, heir to the Luxe fortune, and ‘new face of the brand.’ The one who randomly went radio silent a few years ago…about the same time Faith moved here.” Rose raised her brow.
Wait.
Marissa shook her head and popped the last bite of gingerbread into her mouth. “Nope, sorry.”
“Did you know already?” I asked Rose.
“Of course I knew.” She waved her hand. “You showed up in designer shoes, bad hair dye over perfect extensions, and Luxe handbags. Not to mention the number of times you dyed our sheets pink and burnt ramen noodles. It was obvious you had no idea what you were doing.” Rose checked her nails.
I sat there with my mouth hanging open. “I…I don’t,” My eyebrows scrunched. “So you knew the whole time!”
Rose grinned.
“Wait, so you’re super rich?” Marissa’s eyes were wide.
“Technically, my family is. Not me.” I shrugged. “I don’t get any of it unless I agree to take over the company, and I don’t want it. It was fashion shows, front pages of magazines, and full of fake relationships and anxiety.”
Marissa leaned back on her elbows and stared at the ceiling. “Huh…weird.”
“So why are you telling us now?” Rose crossed her arms.
I sighed. “I had a lot of friends who were only with me because of my last name. I was worried once you knew who I really was, I would lose you too.”
Rose rolled her eyes. “That’s stupid.”
They handled the first deep dive into my past, but how would they do with the worst part?
“Well, that’s why I didn’t tell at first. But there’s more.” The tears gathered at the corners of my eyes, and I cleared my throat. Rose knew my name. But I bet she didn’t know what I did. “I’m not who you think I am.”
“We’ve already been over that.” Rose waved her hand.
“No, like…besides that. I’m not a nice person,” I whispered, afraid that if I said it too loud, my past would rise up and claim me.
“What are you talking about?” Rose scoffed. “You are literally the nicest person I know.”
I crumpled in on myself, unable to close the door to my past. “My senior year of high school…” My lips quivered.
“I changed.” I cleared my throat. “I tried to be who my mom wanted. I was the mean girl, the popular girl, who shattered people’s self-esteem and confidence in my wake.
I knew what people were insecure about, and I used it.
” I bit back my sob and cleared my throat.
“I hurt them on purpose.” I pursed my lips into a tight line.
“My rapidly growing friend group loved it. My mother loved that I was finally embracing my popularity and stepping into ‘my own.’”
Marissa reached over and picked up my hand, squeezing it tight.
I stared down at it. Instead of seeing our hands together, I remembered walking by the partially opened door to the home office.
I heard my name and leaned closer to the door and peeked inside.
My mother was in one corner and the family lawyer in the other.
“There was a girl in the hospital for self-harm because of me. I can still remember the smell of the flowers on the side table. I caught my reflection in the hallway mirror, and I stared at myself, and I saw myself for the first time for the monster I was, maybe I am?” I shrugged.
“I don’t understand.” Rose stood stiff.
I took a shuddering breath. “Because of things I said, and things I did, a girl no longer wanted to live.” My heart broke again as I remembered.
“The crazy thing is”—I shook my head—“I wouldn’t have even known.
” I shook my head. “I overheard the lawyers talking to Mom about how the family would be taking the whole thing to the press if we didn’t cover the girl’s medical bills.
” I balked, disgusted in myself. “Mom waved her hand as if it was of no consequence.” I scoffed, reliving the moment.
“Like a girl hadn’t almost died.” I wiped the tears now running down my face and glanced up to see Marissa with tears on her cheeks and Rose leaning away.
“What if I never overheard, what if I never knew?” My shoulders sagged. I was somehow both heavier and lighter saying it out loud.
Rose tipped her head to the side. “Wait. You…were a bully?” Her voice held confusion, and knowing about Rose’s past, I could understand why. Her middle school was full of people who were vicious to her repeatedly.
A sob voice caught in my throat, I pressed my hand over my mouth, and nodded.
Hurt grew in her eyes. “You sat there and listened to my stories, and you didn’t say anything?” Her hurt was replaced with anger.
I closed my eyes and nodded. “Yes.”
Marissa sighed as she looked between us.
“I can’t fix it. I know I can never undo it, who I was,” I said. “The person I was follows me everywhere I go.” I clenched my fists.
“I apologized to the girl when I saw her at school a week later.” I shrugged.
“I changed and refused to hurt others for my personal gain ever again.” My shoulders shook, as I gasped for air.
“My friends made fun of me and moved on. My mother was never more disappointed in me in my fall from popularity.” I placed my hands over my face.
“I would never be who she wanted, and I refused to let myself change to appease her.” I wiped off my tears with my palms. “I wanted to start over, try to see who I could be without her.” I took a shuddering breath.
“I knew I wanted a fresh start.” Marissa leaned her head on my shoulder.
I flexed my fingers and cleared my throat.
“I remembered I had this elementary teacher in second grade, Mrs. Carlson.” I smiled as I thought of her crazy cardigans and big dangly earrings.
“She was sweet, and kind, and made me feel special. Not special because of my last name, Luxe, but special because I loved the color yellow, my favorite animal was the polar bear, and I was great at drawing jellyfish. She saw me, really saw me, and it made all the difference.” I chewed on my lip.
“I decided I wanted to pay it forward, I wanted to be that for some child somewhere else. I wanted to be an elementary teacher.” I pursed my lips.
“I started going to an online college, and then found this rural program to finish my degree on the other side of the world. It was perfect.”
Rose studied the wall opposite of me, her eyebrows lowered.
I wiped a stray tear with my shoulder. “That was when I came here.”
Marissa’s eyes held kindness I didn’t deserve as she looked back at me. “Faith, or, I guess, Astrid?” She pulled the last word out, unsure.
“I’d rather be Faith,” I whispered. I wanted to be known as the person I was trying to become. Plus, the world of Astrid Luxe comes with its own set of rules and drama that I wanted nothing to do with.
She nodded. “Okay, Faith.” She looked at me.
“I’m really sorry for the way you were raised.
” She closed the distance between us and pulled me into a hug.
“I’m sorry about how you felt unloved and unappreciated.
I can’t imagine being in the spotlight was easy for you either.
” She squeezed my hand. “But I also hope you recognize the person you are now, and that the choices you have made say far more about who you are as a person than any when you were in the process when you were finding yourself.” Marissa, still holding my hand, reached for Rose.
“I’m sorry about your childhood. That humans can be so mean.
” Rose looked at the ceiling, refusing to meet Marissa’s gaze.
“I’m sorry you were alone when you had a storm going on at home too.
You had nowhere that felt safe.” Marissa frowned.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here to help beat those jerks up for you. ”
Rose scoffed and chuckled, her eyes finally meeting Marissa’s.
“I’m so sorry for you both, and the way you didn’t feel you could be who you were and feel safe.” Marissa sagged.
I covered my mouth, trying to hold back the sob, and glanced up into Rose’s eyes, which were now glossy. She cleared her throat and blew out a tight breath. Rose was almost in tears. Rose never cried.
Marissa looked between us and she pulled her hands together, causing me to stand in front of Rose. Any control I had up to that point, I lost. I threw my arms around her in a hug and bawled.
I cried for the people I hurt, I cried for the girl in me who wasn’t accepted and loved, I cried from the stress of carrying this lie and hurting people I had grown to care about.
Rose awkwardly patted my back and sighed. She slowly leaned away and wiped my tears off my cheeks and shook her head.
“Seriously!” She rolled her eyes. “I’ll have to start over with your makeup now. You look absolutely terrible.”
I laugh-cried and hugged her tighter. “I’m so, so sorry,” I whispered, and Marissa wrapped her arms around us both.
“You’re such a drama queen.” Rose wiped at her tears.
They didn’t leave.
They didn’t hate me.
Those few minutes in that hug did more to heal my broken heart than the years of trying to make up for it ever had. Being held by friends who knew the real me and loved me, flaws and all.
“I love you guys.”
“I love you,” they both repeated.
“All right, that is enough of that!” Rose stepped out of the hug and shook off all the emotion surrounding her. She pointed to the hallway.
“Now go wash your face and put on that dress.” She rolled her eyes. “Looks like I should have gone with waterproof mascara after all. Oh!” Rose clapped. “Now you can finally tell me if Jonathan West is really as hot as he looks in the movies and papers. I have been dying to ask for years!”