4. Liberty
Liberty smiled at the young mom sitting in front of her with the chubby baby boy on her lap.
“He’s doing just fine,” Liberty assured her.
“But the other babies at his playgroup are all crawling, and some of them are standing,” the mom said worriedly. “My grandmother says if they don’t crawl, they won’t read.”
Liberty was tempted to ask the girl what her grandmother would have to say about the brave little girl who was born last night without legs, and would be spending her first few weeks of life in the NICU. Was that baby destined never to read since she wouldn’t be able to crawl?
But Liberty knew it was better to comfort than argue.
“Mason is clearly getting plenty of love and attention,” Liberty told her instead. “He’s strong, and he’s sitting up very nicely and scooting around, even if he’s not crawling in the traditional way. More importantly, he’s interested in reaching for objects, and he’s babbling. And he’s just so cute I could eat him right up.”
Mason chuckled, reaching for her as if to prove her right, and Liberty felt her heart squeeze. He was such an angel. This mom didn’t fully realize just how lucky she was.
“He’ll walk when he’s ready,” Liberty explained, squeezing a chubby little hand. “That’s not a milestone we worry about until eighteen months, and Mason is only nine months old. Just enjoy him and keep doing all the wonderful things you’ve been doing. I have no worries at all on that account.”
“Thank you,” the woman said with a real smile this time, not the strained one she’d been wearing since they came in.
“Did you have any other questions?” Liberty asked her. “I’m here to help and there’s nothing too big or small.”
Her phone had buzzed in her pocket ten minutes ago, most likely with the email she had been waiting what felt like forever to receive. But she wasn’t about to rush this sweet young mom or her darling son.
“That was it,” the mom said happily.
“He’s such a good baby,” Liberty told her.
“He really is,” the mom agreed, looking down at her little one in that lovesick way Liberty never got tired of seeing on parents’ faces.
“You’re doing an amazing job,” she told her.
“I guess we’ll see you next time,” the mom said.
“Candy will set up your next appointment out front,” Liberty told her.
She managed to wait until they had been out the door for ten whole seconds before heading out herself. Out in the hallway, the sounds of the hospital surrounded her. There were nurses chatting, patients murmuring into cell phones, and the familiar tones of the intercom system.
Liberty knew she ought to duck into the emergency stairwell or go someplace even more private before opening the email, but she just couldn’t wait any longer. Instead, she leaned against the wall by the water cooler and tapped the phone screen, her eyes scanning until she got to the numbers.
At first, she was so nervous that she couldn’t take them in. She had to read them three times before their significance hit her.
Then the pain was crushing.
Liberty’s heart ached like it was disintegrating, and she felt like she would cave in completely and turn inside out. There would be no chubby baby for her, no adorable babbling, and no little hands reaching for her like tiny starfish.
With tests results like these, there was no point to following up with a fertility treatment plan. All that dreaming she and Chase had been doing had been for nothing.
“Hey, Libby, you okay?” another nurse asked.
Liberty nodded, unable to reply.
“Headache?” her colleague asked sympathetically.
Liberty nodded again, grateful for the opportunity to tell a white lie so she wouldn’t open her mouth and start sobbing in front of all their sweet patients and colleagues. She did suffer from migraines from time to time, so it wasn’t out of character for her to have a sudden change in her behavior when one came on strong.
“Go on home,” the other woman said. “I’ll finish your shift. Go get some rest.”
Liberty wanted to argue. Some of her regular patients were coming in, and they were used to her as their nurse practitioner. But the thought of interacting with all those sweet babies and their lucky, sleepy, worried parents was too much to bear right now.
She just nodded one more time instead of arguing, and grabbed her jacket before heading out, habit causing her to glance at the bulletin board where they posted all the photos and thank you cards they received from new parents. She had taken in half a dozen dimpled smiles before she could tear her eyes away.
Everyone waved and smiled at her on the way out, and she managed to go through the motions until she was finally opening the door to the courtyard. A gust of warm, fresh air buffeted her cheeks and she drank it in gratefully.
She had intended to get in the car and call Chase right away. Talking to her sweet husband always made her feel better. But she found herself stopping right in the middle of the hospital courtyard and calling her mother instead.
I can’t believe I’m twenty-seven and still calling my mom when I get bad news…
But her mom was practical and calming. She would get Liberty back in balance so she could be prepared to hold Chase and comfort him when she told him, instead of making him comfort her. And that was probably the fair thing, given that this was her fault.
Chase was a complete teddy bear, a mountain of a man with a gentle smile and a quiet sense of humor. He had four little siblings and stepsiblings he had helped raise, and all the nieces and nephews loved him. He would be a perfect father. Liberty had thought that about him the day they met.
As soon as they were married, they had started trying for a family of their own. It was taking a long time, though.
Neither of them had ever brought up fertility treatments. Chase was a teacher, and Liberty had only just gotten the very expensive master’s degree that allowed her to move up to nurse practitioner. They would be paying that off for a while, with the payments somehow more than offsetting the raise she had received.
And now that her parents were separated, she couldn’t exactly ask her mom for help. And she was not going to ask her dad. He probably wouldn’t respond anyway, and that would only hurt her pride worse than it already was.
I can’t have babies…
Pain sliced through her as the phone rang and rang, but her mom didn’t pick up.
Liberty began to pace, knowing it was stupid to stay here, when she might bump into a client or a colleague. She needed to get in the car and call Chase.
But somehow the idea of going home was even worse.
Chase deserves better,she kept finding herself thinking.
She knew this wasn’t really her fault. She hadn’t ever done anything that would hurt her chances of becoming a mom. But those numbers said it all. She had been wasting money on pregnancy tests. It wasn’t going to happen. And it was definitely because of her, not him.
She stood by the old limestone fountain at the center of the courtyard, gazing into the murky water as the wind whipped at her hair. Somewhere in the distance, thunder rumbled.
Copper pennies shimmered up at her from the depths of the fountain, representing the hopes of so many people who had found themselves in this same courtyard, praying so hard for a life to be saved or a cure to be found. Her sadness wasn’t the only sadness in the world.
But it hurt anyway, like nothing she had ever felt before. Images of her big, strong Chase with a tiny baby in his arms haunted her mind—the three of them together, going for walks in the park and visits to Grandma, tiny hands reaching for the shiny ornaments on the Christmas tree.
Those had been happy fantasies for so long, but now they cut like knives. There was no point for Liberty to throw in a penny. Her numbers were in. They couldn’t be changed.
She wasn’t sure how long she had been looking into the fountain when her phone began to buzz.
“Mom,” she sighed, a tiny measure of relief coursing through her the moment she uttered the word.
“Oh, Liberty, I’m so glad I caught you,” her mother said.
There was a note of panic in her voice that instantly had Liberty on high alert.
“Mom, what’s going on?” she asked, slipping into her calm nurse persona without realizing she was doing it.
“It’s Glory,” her mother said. “I’m really worried about her.”
“Why?” Liberty asked.
It was typical for her mom to worry about Glory. Unlike Liberty and Anthem, their little sister had a high-strung energy the other two didn’t share. She was also wildly popular, with a rich social life outside the house, something that had always amazed Liberty.
Instantly, she was worrying her way through a litany of popular girl troubles her baby sister might have gotten into. Liberty had been pretty shy, but she remembered the popular kids back in her day getting themselves into plenty of trouble with drinking and boys.
“I think she’s being cyber-bullied,” her mom said softly. “She won’t tell me, but the school called and said they were considering expulsion because she threatened some kids.”
The idea of anyone bullying Glory was almost unbelievable. Glory was fierce and confident, practically a force of nature. But it wasn’t like her to threaten someone.
“What did she say to them?” Liberty asked.
“I’m not sure yet on that either, though I’ll probably connect with Mr. Vintner tonight,” her mom told her. “He was in the meeting, and he seems to have her back, at least for now.”
That tracked. Mr. Vintner had been Liberty’s counselor as well, and had always seemed to have the kids’ best interests in mind back in her days at Wintergarden.
“Did they suspend her?” Liberty asked distractedly. She was already assembling a plan in her mind to go out to the house for the weekend to talk with Glory and help her mom put together a presentation in her sister’s defense for the school board, if that’s what it came to.
“I, uh, I didn’t give them the chance,” her mother said, like she couldn’t believe it herself. “I told them I was pulling her out for the last ten days of the year, and we’d let them know if we had any interest in reenrolling in the fall. Mr. Vintner said he’d coordinate getting her assignments sent home.”
“Go, Mom,” Liberty said, genuinely impressed. “That was quick thinking.”
“If she’s being bullied, she needs a little break anyway,” her mother said.
“How did she take it?” Liberty asked.
“Great, until I told her I was taking all her devices for a little while,” her mom chuckled.
“It’ll be hard for her, like breaking any other addiction,” Liberty said, giving the same advice she had to so many moms of teens lately. “But a little time off of social media will help her put her life back in perspective and focus on her real relationships.”
“Anyone ever tell you you’re going to be a fantastic mom one day?” her mother teased.
The pain she had forgotten while she was worrying over her sister and mother landed hard on her chest again.
No, I won’t…
“Just you,” Liberty managed.
“Well, are you ready to give me a little more advice?” her mom asked. “Because I have another idea, and this one’s a doozy. I think I need my steady girl to tell me to forget it.”
“Try me,” Liberty said.
“I was thinking of taking Glory to Driftwood Key,” her mom said. “We haven’t been to the house down there since your wedding, and I think a change of scenery might do us both some good. Maybe she’ll make a new friend or two, and getting some fresh air and exercise wouldn’t hurt either of us. Besides, I ought to take a look at the place and maybe do one or two things before we sell it, if I want to get market value.”
“What’s crazy about that?” Liberty asked. “Sometimes things don’t go the way you planned and you have to improvise. This sounds like a really fun way to adjust to leaving the big house.”
“I was on the phone with you last week about moving into an apartment,” her mom laughed weakly. “I was supposed to sign a lease tomorrow, but this would mean giving that up. And I might not find another one I can afford right in Aynwick at the end of the summer when we want to come home.”
“Aynwick is expensive,” Liberty said carefully. “And so is Wintergarden. Maybe after a summer away, you and Glory will be ready for a change when you get back.”
“Oh, I’d never pull her out of Wintergarden for her senior year,” her mom said dismissively. “I’ll find a way.”
“You always do,” Liberty said, smiling.
Whether it was making Anthem a homemade costume because the store sold out of her favorite Disney princess, or baking Liberty’s wedding cake from scratch when the stores said there wasn’t time to place an order, Jessica Steele never, ever let her family down.
“I don’t know about that,” her mom said with a smile in her voice. “Hey, I saw you called while I was on the way home from the meeting. What’s up?”
“Oh,” Liberty said, suddenly not wanting to burden her mother with the conversation. “No reason. I was just thinking about you guys.”
“Your timing is impeccable, as always,” her mom laughed. “Well, see if you can get some time off to visit us in the Keys. I know that handsome husband of yours has his summers off. Some sun and surf will be good for all of us.”
The mention of Chase had Liberty’s heart squeezing again. They had gotten married on that very beach at the Driftwood Key house, what felt like a million years ago.
“Love you, Mom,” she said.
“Love you, too,” her mother told her. “To the stars and back.”
They hung up and Liberty took a deep breath, forcing herself to look up at the sky instead of back down into the fountain.
Before she had a chance to get moving, her phone buzzed again in her hand.
Chase
“You can do this,” she whispered to herself.
But his photo flashing on the screen, arms wrapped around a bunch of his smiling students, tore at her heart and she just couldn’t make herself swipe to answer.
She dismissed the call and headed for her car instead.
I’ll just go home and rest for a bit. Get my head together, she told herself. Then I’ll be ready to talk to him.