Chapter 13
Terra
Arthur’s eyes are wide, his hands trembling as he brings them to his neck.
I look from him to Elias in shock, worried I’ll be in trouble for hurting a professor.
“I’m so sorry!” I start to trudge toward Arthur but he raises his hand and flashes me a reassuring look.
“I’m fine, just took me by surprise, is all.” He chuckles and the slight smile that pulls at his lips is reassuring enough that I stop.
Elias turns to me. “That was really good.” His voice is light for once. “How did you even blight Raine with that much control over Amser already?”
My eyes fall to my hands. “If I had known what my emotional outburst would’ve done to Raine, maybe I could’ve prevented it.” Flashbacks from the hotel and all the bodies and blood linger ominously in my mind.
Elias and Arthur share a look before Elias urges me to continue with training.
I perform the same attack until the sun starts to lower in the sky and the shadows of the trees stretch across the snow.
“Let’s call it. I need to be in my study before Cein gets here, and you’ve impressed me today,” Elias mutters as he offers me a hand.
I’m panting and kneeling in the snow like Edgar. My exhaustion far exceeds what I thought possible. It feels like staying awake for two days straight, that dizziness and sick feeling that envelops your entire body. My muscles are drained of power and energy alike. Even the hum of my Shadow feels dulled.
Elias leaves in a hurry to get to his meeting so Arthur and I take our time heading back.
“I hope I didn’t miss too much in classes today,” I say. The trail is narrow but we walk side by side. His tactical jacket brushes against mine and I find that I really enjoy Arthur’s presence. It’s quiet and patient, never rushed or forced. He has that calm, intriguing air of someone who waits for things they crave the most.
“You must be hungry after being out here all day,” Arthur says awkwardly and I can’t help but raise a brow at him. He laughs and rubs the back of his head. “Sorry, I’m not great at conversation.”
I like that about him too.
I shake my head and grin. “I don’t think it’s that. You’re just being really careful for some reason. Are you shy around girls or something? Aren’t you a little too old for that?” I tease him.
He shoots me an offended look but we both crack a smile. “I’m not shy; I’ve always just been careful.” He looks ahead, seeming deep in thought. “And I’m only twenty-four, though some would say I have an old soul.” His eyes flick back down to me, waiting to see my expression.
“Well, you look tired for your age.” He glowers at me and I laugh. “But I am starving. Is dinner already over?” I look at the darkening sky and frown at the stars that are peeking through.
“I’m afraid so. I can sneak you into the kitchen though.”
I narrow my eyes at him and he chuckles again, finding my skepticism funny. My stomach growls loudly and my cheeks warm.
“Right, I’ll take you straight there then.” He covers his mouth and I know the grin he’s hiding is lovely.
We reach the bottom of the slope and the courtyard stretches out before us. The amber lights from Alkrose are bright against the snow. Students are training in the open area; amongst them are Aervin and the two I noticed keeping close to Finn yesterday.
Finn’s too distracted and doesn’t see me, but his white-haired friend looks up at us and studies me with curious blue eyes. He looks like a younger version of Elias, less built and rugged but similar enough to make me think they hail from the same nation. My bet is Cyprin. Most white-haired individuals with beautiful blue eyes are from the eastern part of the world.
I quickly look away and stick close to Arthur’s side as he leads us to the mess hall. It’s an odd room to be in when it’s empty. The space seems triple the size without the crowd of people to fill it.
We walk to a door off the back side and enter a massive kitchen. White tiles, metal sinks, and countertops make up pretty much the entire area. It’s immaculately clean and there’s no food in sight.
My stomach growls again and Arthur just grins, giving me a sympathetic look as he opens one of the large fridges. He snags a few pieces of bread and a slice of meat, handing me the plate and grabbing a cup of water while I wolf down my sad little dinner. He frowns as he hands me the cup. “I’m sorry we made you practice so long. Elias is very stern in his blight classes.”
I swallow and take a long drink before replying, “It’s okay, I’d rather be a little hungry than blight someone else.” I look down at my hands and think of Raine. “I don’t know what I’ll do with myself when Raine—” I stop, unable to finish that thought.
Arthur takes my empty plate and cup, setting them in the sink, facing away from me as he says in a low voice, “You might be able to find something in the library that can help.”
My heart jumps at the small trace of hope.
“Like something that might keep the blight from killing him?” I stare at Arthur as he slowly turns to look back at me. There’s a somber light in his eyes, but he nods. My brows pinch. I’m hesitant to let the hope in. It tangles with my Shadow’s ability to reign in my emotional turmoil. “Why would you tell me this?”
Arthur walks over and leans over me, pressing his palms to the counter I’m sitting on. I inhale sharply as his face lowers to mine. His nose is a mere breath away.
“I’m not unsympathetic, Terra. Why wouldn’t I try to help?” He pins me with his steady stare.
“You’re not at all what I expected,” I whisper. The air is dense around us, thick with tension.
“That makes two of us,” he says in that low raspy voice, letting his eyes fall to my lips before glancing back up to my eyes and pulling away. “You should head back to the Nova House and get some rest.”
I take a deep breath and fight the desire to look back as I leave the kitchen.
My room is filled with lavish things, but it feels oddly empty. I sit at my desk and exhale slowly, lowering my head to my arms. I’m exhausted from training but I want to study or at least read through some of the books for my classes. I’ve already lost an entire day compared to everyone else and I need to search the library as well. There are a million things encircling my mind and that only makes me wearier.
A soft knock on the door wakes me.
Did I fall asleep? Godsdamn it.
I open the door expecting Elias, but it’s Raine. My heart lurches all the same.
His blue eyes study me carefully. “You weren’t at the mess hall for dinner, so I got worried.” The scar that carves the side of his jaw is hardly visible in the dim light.
I don’t give him a chance to retreat—he grunts as I grab his wrist and pull him into my room.
“Miss me?” He laughs, brows knitting tight with exhaustion.
“Please don’t be mad at me,” I say sadly. He opens his mouth to argue but I cut him off. “You literally fucked me on your torture room floor in front of him, so I don’t want to hear it,” I say dryly, crossing my arms. My Shadow doesn’t want to be tied down and quite frankly, neither do I.
Raine’s eyes soften and he sighs with defeat. “Fine. I can’t help but feel greedy with you though.”
I press my hand against his chest and when he doesn’t push me away, I pull him in and hug him tightly. His arms wrap around me just as surely, and his breath is warm on my neck.
“Gods, I fucking missed you,” he whispers as his fingers thread through my hair.
I nuzzle into his embrace. “Then don’t go.” He pulls back, his gaze filled with hurt, but he nods.
I decide not to tell him about what Arthur said. It’s hard enough having hope myself. I don’t want to give him hope and then take it away.
We go over our class schedules for the week. It looks like we have three together and that’s a big win for me. Shadow sex ed, Shadow riding, and blighting.
“Shadow sex ed?” Raine’s smirk pulls at my smile as well.
We’re sprawled out on my bed and already dressed in our night attire. I forgot how fun “sleepovers” are. Finn used to sneak into my room all the time back in Navasik and we’d fuck and laugh and talk until the sun rose. Those were blissful days.
“Do we get to pick our partners?” Raine says in a low, voluptuous tone.
I nudge him playfully, unable to keep the heat from pooling in my core. “I don’t think it’s like that.”
His mouth twists as he laughs. “I think it’s going to be worse than we think it is. Let’s hope Finn isn’t in our class.”
My smile immediately fades. “Don’t even joke about that.” I roll and pull my pillow over my head. Raine follows me into the sheets, grinning handsomely and pressing his nose against mine. His black hair is tousled, the pillow pressing down on his head.
“Don’t pout, babe. It doesn’t suit you,” he taunts, staring into my eyes. I’m distinctly aware of his hands brushing up my side and sliding beneath my shirt.
I run my hand over his cheek and he leans into it, pressing a kiss to my palm. The sheets are soft between us and his lips smooth over my skin, drawing a breath from my lungs. “I know I shouldn’t feel content here, but I do. Does that make me a monster?” I ask just above a whisper.
Raine hums in thought. “Maybe a little bit, but I don’t think it’s fair to blame yourself. Our Shadows have suppressed a lot of the emotions we’d normally be experiencing. I woke up this morning and hardly even remembered anything about Barkovah or the people under my care.” His eyes are sullen and he looks away from me.
He doesn’t remember them?
“You remember Bennie, don’t you?” I search his face but his expression remains impassive. A small gasp rolls from my lips. “How could you forget?”
He keeps his gaze elsewhere as he mumbles, “I only see the future, so many futures and paths. The past has all been lost to me. My Shadow tells me that we’ll all lose more and more of them as the days draw on. Slowly digesting our memories until we’re mere shells of what we once were. Like carcasses left to rot with disease.”
“Gods, are you serious?” I sit up and his eyes finally snap back to me.
Raine nods and lays his head across my stomach. “Try to remember Bennie for as long as you can for me,” he says with melancholy in his voice, making me think he hasn’t completely forgotten the child yet, but it still pulls at my heart.
My fingers thread through his hair and I lie back down, staring at the ceiling of my room where stars and planets are painted intricately. One bright star in the center of the room looks like it’s exploding; light stretches out farther from it than the others—a nova. I’m curious if the other Houses have symbols like this similar to their marks.
As I’m lost in thought, Raine’s hands push up under my shirt. The pads of his fingers are callused and raise goosebumps across my skin as he reaches the underside of my breasts.
“Will you forget me?” he asks between hot kisses against my stomach, trailing up to my sternum. I writhe beneath him and bite my lower lip to keep from moaning as he cups my tits and squeezes them. “Will you forget me when I’m dead?”
I look down at him. His blue eyes pierce through mine.
“I’ll never forget you, Raine. Never. How could you even think that I would?”
He lets out a few low chuckles and murmurs over my breast, “Let’s put it to the test then. I’ll leave a note in one of your books, and if you forget me, maybe you’ll remember me when you find it. Even if it’s just for a moment.”
I shove him back and he grins like this is funny. “Stop it. We’re going to figure out a way to stop the blight.” I say the latter with trailing eyes, wondering how much I believe in my own words.
Raine rolls over on his back and lets out a long breath. “It’s okay. I always knew I wouldn’t live a long life, not with how I grew up, and especially when things went to shit in Barkovah.” His eyes flick back to me, so calm, yet I feel anything but. “You’ll be okay. Just keep your heart muted and I’m sure you’ll forget me before long.”
I open my mouth to argue with him that I still remember everyone, but when I think of my parents and family, I come up blank. I know I had them, but their faces are empty now—like mannequins. Faceless and absent of any life. The motions we went through, the places are still the same, but everything that makes them them is gone.
The thought of being muted to my emotions forever is distasteful. My Shadow shifts inside me, letting its hold on my emotions loosen, and I’m enveloped in them.
“Raine.” I fist the sheets as a well of tears brim my eyes. His brows raise and he quickly sits up, wiping away tears as they fall. “I don’t want you to go.”
“Hey, I’m not going anywhere right now. We still have time. But it’s nice to see you letting your humanity back in for my sake.” His lip kicks up and my heart sinks a bit further into the depths.
“How do you know that?” I ask, still feverishly wiping away tears.
Raine pulls me into his chest and strokes my head, brushing my hair to the side and pressing kisses along my temple. “Because I’ve already watched it many times. I wish we’d gone in the stairwell together. But I’m happy you’ll have more time than me,” he whispers ominously. I want him to explain it all to me, but I recall that he is unable.
He holds me until I stop crying, and once our minds are a bit less weary, we whisper about what we think the sex ed class will entail until we fall asleep.
I wake up to Elias’s white hair and cold steel eyes staring down at me. He doesn’t say anything but nods toward the door. I carefully get up from the bed. Raine’s soft breaths tell me he’s still fast asleep. Thank gods, the last thing I want to deal with is them bickering.
Elias shuts the door behind us and doesn’t bother looking at me as he starts toward the Nova homeroom. I wait until we’re at the bottom of the staircase before I dare speak.
“What time is it?” I yawn and try to shake the grogginess that pulls at my mind.
He ignores me as if I hadn’t spoken. I deflate and follow him silently across the homeroom and up the eastern stairwell that leads to his quarters. He has a bit of a limp that he didn’t have earlier. I figure he’ll ignore me if I ask, so I don’t. The stairs spiral up a pillar for two floors before passing an ebony door. When he doesn’t stop and enter, I figure it must be Arthur’s study.
We continue up another story before reaching the top of the staircase and a white door. Elias shifts to his side and finally looks at me.
“Why was he in your room, Terra?” He levels a glare and I give it right back.
“Fuck you.”
He bares his teeth and shakes his head before opening his door and motioning for me to enter. My eyes take a moment to adjust to the dark. He turns on a small lamp sitting at the corner of an old desk and his entire room becomes visible. An impressive shelf of books lines the far wall, a reading nook is tucked in the center of it. A lancet window overlooks the back side of Alkrose and the forest beyond. His bed rests on the ground, draped in black sheets, unmade. The floor is strewn with papers and half-burned candles sit in puddles of black wax atop his desk. He’s as messy as I am.
Elias lights his fireplace. It burns evenly just like the one in my room.
“Is this really your room? I pictured you being an uptight clean freak.” I smile at him.
Elias collects some of the notes on his desk and piles them carelessly. “Unfortunately,” he mutters and takes a seat. He removes his cloak and drapes it over the back of his chair. “You’re much better at control than your brother. I’m concerned his Shadow might be a problem.” I still; if Elias is worried that can’t be good.
“Why?” I sit in the window nook, facing him, and grab one of the dusty books on the cushion. Amser pulls in my veins to be close to him. It’s unbearable to refuse it, but I manage.
Elias leans against his hand, legs crossed and disheveled strands of hair falling over his forehead. He looks like a god. “His Shadow is malicious and ill-willed. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of Shadows are a little aggressive and bloodthirsty, but his is different.”
My brows pull together and I set the book down. “He mentioned earlier to me that it was whispering terrible things to him. He looked really confused and lost in himself.” I recall his weary eyes and my heart sinks a little more. “Is that why you brought me here?”
He nods. “My meeting with Cein didn’t go well.” His gaze remains pinned on the floor. I quirk a brow with concern. “He’s furious with the delay I caused. Apparently I was summoned to escort Edgar myself at Za’Afiel, but obviously I was locked in a bunker worrying about you.” I shrink a bit, feeling guilty, but at the same time not—Elias is the bad guy here, not Raine. “Edgar’s restoration went poorly because of my absence so I need to get him back on track. He needs to be controlled.”
I stare at Elias for a few seconds. “You want my help?”
He nods.
“Elias, I’m not going to?—”
“It’s in everyone’s best interest. If we don’t get him tamed, I’ll have no choice but to—” He cuts himself off and gnashes his teeth, looking away sharply.
“You’ll have to what?” I say quietly, dread building in my chest.
“I’ll have to execute him.”
I stand and fist my hands at my sides. “No.”
He unfolds his legs and leans forward in his chair, resting his arms on his thighs and clasping his hands together between them. He looks up at me beneath dark lashes. “If we can’t get him tamed, then I promise you, I will.”
My lower lip trembles and my eyes flick to his right ankle as blood catches my attention. It trickles down the small stretch of skin visible at his ankle. He follows my gaze and shifts so his black pant leg covers it back up. He’s hurt. Why hasn’t it healed already?
“I’ll help you then… I just got Edgar back. I can’t lose him again.” I shut my eyes and think of how different he looks now, so damaged and cold. The world has ruined him.
And that’s not his fault. It’s not his fault that the darkness swallowed him whole and infected his mind like poison. Even now, I know he fights the demon inside of him with everything he has, but how long can a soul fight before it tires? The Shadows don’t grow weary. They consume at a constant rate.
Elias grins, pain ebbing in his gaze. “Good. Now, you should get some sleep.” He shifts in his chair and starts organizing his papers and books again.
He’s hiding the wound from me. My eyes drift back to the floor where his boot was and I stare at the blood smeared over the tile. Why does he always pretend to be fine? The mask he wears can’t hide everything.
I walk to his bed, curious to find out if his sheets smell like him. Grabbing a book off the black nightstand next to his bed, I settle in the center and pull the sheets up to my stomach.
He looks back at me but I keep my focus on the book, touching the pages and smiling at the scribblings of notes. It’s written in Fernestian, so I can’t read it, but it’s humanizing to see his handwriting, to know he’s not just a heartless killing machine. His penmanship is good. The curls at the ends of some of the letters make the corners of my mouth turn up.
Elias watches me for a while before deciding to call it a night and shuts off his lamp. He strips his military jacket off and leaves his tight black undershirt on. His pants hit the floor and I finally glance up to see if he’s still bleeding.
His knee has a thick black wound, as if someone stabbed a blade straight through his kneecap. Blood oozes from it, but he doesn’t even bat an eye as he grabs some medical tape, wraps it, and uses a white towel to wipe his blood away.
When he’s finished, he crawls into the bed like nothing happened. I give him a concerned look.
“It’s nothing,” he says, crawling closer to me and pulling me against his chest.
“Why haven’t you healed? Did Dr. Cein do this to you? Who is he exactly?” I say as he wraps his arms around me securely, my face buried in the crook of his neck. His bed indeed smells like him, but with his arms wrapped around me, I inhale his intoxicating ashy scent straight from the source.
He nuzzles his face into my neck and takes a long, deep breath. My hand spreads across his shoulder and I grip his shirt tightly. It hurts that he’d rather suffer alone. It’s been beaten out of him to know anything else.
“Go to sleep,” he whispers. The dim, flickering light of the fire casts a warm glow around his white hair.
“Are you… okay?” I ask softly, trying to push away from him so I can see his expression, but he holds on tight and doesn’t let me move. I take that as his silent no.
It’s different than it was before. Our Shadows don’t jump across our skin together with excitement and lust, feverish for the connection—instead, they circle from deeper within. Like a somber dance, courting and looking further into one another, not just seeking power.
Elias makes a choked sound and pulls away, his brows pinched together tightly. Anguish and resentment flash across his gaze. “I don’t like this.”
I lean back and let my eyes linger on his collarbone. “Don’t like what?”
He reaches up and tugs on his shirt where his heart lies beneath. “Whenever I look at you pain spreads inside my chest. I hate it.” His eyes are distrustful and wary.
“Don’t tell me you care about me,” I say with a light, joking tone, but Elias’s face only grows more severe. It’s sad to think he never learned how to understand his heart. “Tell me who Cein is, Elias. I want to help you.”
Elias stiffens but reluctantly murmurs, “He is the founder of the Shadows. In a way, he raised me.” His voice is devoid of nostalgia; it holds only disdain.
My eyes widen and I find myself clinging to him desperately. “He was the one that put a Shadow inside you as a child?” A lump forms in my throat and air evades me.
A somber grin pulls at my assassin’s soft lips. “I was the first one. He found me when I was living on the streets in Cyprin and gave me a home. Though it came at a price.” His eyes grow distant with memory. “But enough questions, training resumes tomorrow and you’ll be expected to attend classes, so we’ll be up before the sun rises.”
I fight the urge to wrap around him and let my chest connect with his. Raine would be upset if I ditched him all night. I should head back. I stare at Elias for a moment before shifting off him and standing from his bed, heading toward the door with the somber thoughts of a young Elias, alone and tormented by the man named Cein.
“Good night,” I say softly. Elias grunts in reply, not pleased that I’m leaving him to go back to Raine, I’m sure.
The door clicks shut behind me and I think I hear Elias press against it before I start down the stairs. When I reenter my room, Raine is still tangled in the sheets, deep in sleep. I crawl into bed and curl up next to him, threading my fingers through his dark locks of hair and thinking of every possible way we can keep him alive.