Chapter Twelve
Jane found the box of brandy her parents had given her last Christmas and opened the package. After collecting glasses, she turned off the kitchen lights and made her way to the front of the house.
The storm from the previous evening had passed, leaving clear skies and slightly lower temperatures.
Even so, the South Carolina summer night swirled around her, bringing with it the scents and sounds that were uniquely home.
Night jasmine, her mother’s favorite, filled the air with its sweetly sensual fragrance.
As she entered the parlor, she saw Adam standing by the front window.
As at his house, shutters protected them from prying eyes.
He’d pulled them back and opened the windows, but hadn’t turned on any lights.
A streetlamp provided slight illumination, as did the light in the downstairs hall.
Enough to see the size and shape of him, but not his expression when he turned to look at her.
“Can you open this for me?” she asked, her voice a little softer than normal.
He took the bottle. “Are you sure you want to? Are you saving it for a special occasion?”
“I can’t imagine anything more special than you finding out about Billie.”
Even though he would be as unable to see her face as she was to see his, she turned away, embarrassed at exposing herself to him. She couldn’t let herself forget that he was still angry and had the potential to wound.
But all he said was “Thank you.” He tore off the protective covering and opened the bottle. She held out the glasses and he poured them each a half inch of the dark liquid.
“To Billie,” she said, raising her glass.
“To Billie,” he answered. But instead of drinking, he stared at her. She would have sold her soul for the courage to turn on a light and see the look in his eyes.
Uneasily she took a sip of the brandy, wincing as it burned a path down to her stomach. But in a few seconds the fiery heat became pleasant and she felt her tension begin to ease.
“Would you like to sit down?” she asked.
Without answering, he walked to the long sofa opposite the window and sat. Not on the edge, but not in the middle, either. She chose the opposite spot on the same couch. They didn’t touch, but they could. If they wanted to.
Don’t! she ordered herself. It was the night that made her foolish. Or the man. But it wasn’t anything real.
The furniture loomed large in the semidarkness.
She picked out the shape of the armoire she had carted with her across the country because of all the memories it contained.
Two wingback chairs sat under the big window.
In front of the sofa stood a coffee table.
She leaned forward and set down her drink.
“Not a brandy drinker?” Adam asked.
“No.”
“Me, neither. But it sounded good.” He placed his glass next to hers. “Some of this old furniture sure brings back memories. I recognize that.” He pointed to the armoire.
“I helped my mother refinish it. I guess I was a little older than Billie.” She sighed. “I’m sorry, Adam.”
“Don’t be. It’s been a lot for both of us to deal with. Let’s worry about the apologies another time.”
It would be easy to accept his kind offer, she thought. Easy to push her shame away and go on with her life. But that was the coward’s way, and she’d been doing that for too long.
“No, I am sorry. About everything.” She shifted on the sofa, turning until she faced him. She tucked one leg under her and spread out the full skirt of her sundress. “I’m sorry for the way I left you.”
“But not for leaving?” He sounded bitter.
“I don’t know.”
“At least you’re being honest.”
For a change. He didn’t say the words, but she heard them, anyway. “I’m trying,” she said.
In the darkness she saw his right shoulder rise, then lower. But she couldn’t see his face or the secrets in his eyes. She pulled her braid over her shoulder and began to toy with the end.
“My mother went to art school,” she said, not looking at him. “She was very talented. There are some pictures of hers in the attic. I keep meaning to go get them down, but I can’t. Not yet.”
“Why?”
“I’m afraid of what I’ll see in her paintings.
She loved my father, but he didn’t understand her desire to be more than his wife and my mother.
He didn’t like her painting or changing the house.
” She pointed at the armoire. “He was furious about that. He liked everything to stay the same. Including her. She wasn’t allowed to grow or be her own person. ”
“I’m not your father.”
“I know. But…”
He leaned forward and rested one arm on the back of the couch. “Don’t blame me for his behavior. I had nothing to do with that. I would never have prevented you from changing. If you remember, I’m the one who encouraged you to plan on continuing with college after we were married.”
“It’s not that easy, Adam.” She plucked at the ribbon at the end of her braid. When the cloth loosened, she pulled it free, then removed the rubber band. “You wouldn’t have said anything, but I would have known just the same.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” he snapped.
“Expectation. You were looking for the perfect banker’s wife. I couldn’t be that.”
“You said that before. I didn’t understand it then and I still don’t. There is no ‘perfect banker’s wife.’ I wasn’t looking for a job applicant, I wanted a partner.”
He sounded hurt. She wanted to go to him and offer comfort, but she didn’t have the words and he wouldn’t accept the gesture.
Not from her. It was the darkness that made her brave, she realized.
That and the fact that she was already so exposed to him.
There wasn’t much more he could do or say to hurt her.
What was there to lose by speaking the truth?
“I wanted to be that partner,” she said, loosening the braid. “I wanted to be everything. But I was so afraid.”
“Of what?” He jerked up one hand in an impatient gesture. “What was so damn frightening about me?”
“Everything.”
“That’s a big help.” He turned his head and she caught the flash of white as he smiled.
“You, Adam. You’re what’s frightening. You’re so damn perfect.”
“Perfect? Come on, Jane. That doesn’t wash.”
“You knew what you wanted and you went after it. I didn’t know anything, except how I felt about you. Your direction and intensity scared me. I thought I’d get lost inside of you and never find my way out.” She sighed. “That sounds silly.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
She nodded. “Thank you for that. There was so little of me that I’d discovered. I felt that if I became a part of you, there would be nothing left. You wanted so much. What if I couldn’t do it?”
She raised her hands and continued loosening the braid. With a shake of her head, she tossed the freed strands over her shoulders. Part of her hair swept across the back of the sofa. He twisted one curl around his finger.
“I wish you’d told me.” His voice sounded husky.
“I was wrong not to.”
“I’ll admit that I could have spent more time with you,” he said slowly. “There were difficulties at the bank and with Dani and Ty, but I should have made the time. You were important to me. I never meant to scare you away.”
Perhaps it was her admission that freed him to confess his own secrets. She still couldn’t see his face or read his eyes, but suddenly that didn’t seem to matter.
“I know,” she said softly. “I was too young for you. I didn’t know at the time. It’s only now, looking back, that I see I was—”
“What?” he asked urgently. “Tell me.”
“A girl. A fool. You needed a woman, but I couldn’t be that.” It hurt to confess her shortcomings, she thought, surprised that after all this time it still mattered.
He swore. “You were all I ever wanted. Why can’t you believe that?”
“I was too afraid.”
“Of me?”
“Of the sex.”
He bowed his head. “Now I’m the one who’s sorry. Jane, I had no right to—”
Without thinking, she scooted forward and pressed her hand against his mouth.
“Don’t,” she whispered. “I wanted to please you. What I said the other day, about pushing me further than I’d wanted to go…
.” She shrugged. “I wanted you, too. Maybe not in the same way, but I needed the closeness and to feel you holding me. The rest of it, I’ll admit, didn’t thrill me…
but never believe that you coerced me or hurt me.
I came to your bed willingly, Adam Barrington.
I loved you. There wasn’t any other choice.
” When she finished her speech, she realized she still held her hand against his mouth.
His firm lips moved slightly against her palm.
She dropped her hand. “Sorry. I got carried away.”
But before she could pull back, he twisted his hand in her hair. “I like it when you get carried away.”
“Adam?”
“It’s the night,” he said softly, staring at her intently. “A time for secrets. Here’s mine. You drove me wild. So sweet and funny, so eager to please.”
She ducked her head. “You make me sound like a puppy.”
“No, just innocent. And beautiful. You stared at me as if I were the most—”
“Perfect man,” she whispered. “My fantasy come to life.”
Whatever had smoldered between them since her arrival burst into life.
Her body leaned toward the flames, absorbing the heat that started another fire deep inside her.
This wasn’t the time. They were dealing with problems that would only be complicated by a physical relationship between them.
But she had to know. She had to find out if the time they had been apart had changed anything.
She had to know if being a woman in heart and mind made it different.
“Never perfect,” he murmured, lowering his head closer to hers. “I had my share of flaws.”
“No. I won’t—”