Ember
"Em," Cassidy says quietly beside me. "The house."
"I know."
We stand there on the lawn having an entire conversation with our eyebrows. The bones of it, the light, the widow's walk. It sits up here like it grew straight out of the rocks. My fingers are itching for a sketchbook, and by the look on Cassidy's face, hers are too.
"Not today," I murmur.
"Obviously not today. She's getting married."
"But someday, we can help someone decorate a house like this.”
“Yes, Sullivan Black Designs to the rescue,” Cassidy agrees, and we file into the rows of white chairs on the bluff.
I take a look around us, white and baby blue linen, LED candles in hurricane glasses, hydrangeas spilling off every surface, and beyond it, all the Atlantic, endless and blue, crashing against the rocks below.
Camryn and Kimberly have outdone themselves.
I take my seat between Cassidy and Sully, with Bouch and Nelly on the end.
The afternoon sun is warm and golden, everything is beautiful, and my chest already hurts.
At the front, Fish is in position on the edge of the bluff with the whole Atlantic behind him, navy suit, white shirt, open collar.
He keeps rolling his shoulders and checking down the aisle.
His groomsmen are lined up beside him. Evan is closest as his best man, hands clasped, face giving absolutely nothing.
Ledger, his cousin, is beside them, massive enough to block the ocean view, grinning happily.
Then Archer, his sister’s husband, standing tall and soldier-straight in his suit.
My brother next to him, solid and steady, then Pierre and Felix in their matching suits.
"Fish looks like he's going to pass out," Cassidy whispers.
"It’s not like they aren’t already married,” I whisper.
“He looks so happy.”
“He does,” I agree.
Then the bridal music starts, and Brady, Fish’s nephew, comes down the aisle first, a four-year-old in a tiny suit, clutching the ring pillow with both hands like it's the nuclear codes, marching with military precision like his father. Halfway down, he spots Fish and breaks into a run, nearly tripping over his own feet, and the whole bluff laughs as Fish crouches and scoops him up before Lorraine, Fish’s mom, gathers him onto her lap.
"Uncle Justin!" Brady announces from her arms, waving, and the crowd laughs again.
Then comes Brooke, his sister, dabbing her eyes before she's even reached the end. Then Violetta, Evelina, Isabelle, and Harper, who is heavily pregnant and already losing the battle with her tears. And lastly Jo, walking slowly with her bouquet of hydrangeas, taking her place at the front.
The music changes again, and Collette appears on the back porch on Claire's arm.
The entire bluff rises as Fish starts crying before she's taken three steps.
She's a vision in an ivory ballgown, a cathedral veil with his jersey number embroidered into it, and the man cannot hold himself together at the sight of her.
It’s such a beautiful moment, and I dab at my eyes because I remember this.
I remember standing at the top of an aisle, my arm through my mother's, looking down at a man waiting for me, believing with my entire body that I was walking toward the rest of my life.
I remember him smiling and meaning every single word he said that day.
How wrong was I. He meant none of it. He stood there in front of both our families and made promises with my best friend's husband three feet away, and the two of them had already been each other's for years.
Cassidy reaches out and squeezes my hand, the same thoughts probably racing through her mind too.
The officiant begins, and Fish and Collette hold hands and stare at each other like the rest of us aren't here.
Their vows are personal and funny and devastating, all the things vows are supposed to be, and I sit very still in the fourth row and concentrate on breathing.
Cassidy's hand stays in mine throughout the whole ceremony.
"I do," Fish says.
"I do," Collette says.
He kisses her, and the bluff erupts. Pierre cheers through tears, Felix whistles, Brady shouts "Yay!", Claire and Lorraine sob, Ledger claps so hard it sounds like thunder, and even Evan smiles.
I clap and smile because I love them and this is real, their love is real.
But underneath the clapping, quietly, something in me is closing a door and sliding the bolt across.
Never again. I am never standing at the top of an aisle, never handing anyone the power to stand in front of everyone I love and lie to my face.
The reception glows, lights strung everywhere, lobster on long tables, everyone loose and happy.
I dance with Cassidy and Jo, and I tell Collette she's the most beautiful bride I've ever seen and mean it completely.
But every now and then it catches up with me, and I have to smile a little harder until it passes.
I'm waiting at the bar for a fresh champagne when Ledger appears beside me and orders a whiskey, and somehow one drink turns into three while he tells me about the summer a ten-year-old Fish tried to charge tourists for lobster tours on a boat he didn't own.
He's easy company, funny in that unhurried Southern way, and each time he hands me a new glass he's standing a little closer than the last. It's nice, it's been a long time since a man looked at me like this, and I'd forgotten what it feels like.
I'm laughing at something he's said when Cassidy materializes.
“Um, do you mind if I grab her for a moment?” Cassidy asks.
“Sure, I’ll be right here when you get back,” Ledger says.
Oh, that’s sweet. Cassidy drags me off toward the garden with a grip that means business.
"I have to tell you something," she says, walking me behind a wall of hydrangeas, "and you're going to take it to your grave."
"Okay?"
She checks over both shoulders, and her whole face is lit up like a scoreboard. "I kissed Nelly."
"You what?"
"In the garden about ten minutes ago. Don't tell anyone, especially not my brother. Oh my god, especially not my brother."
"Nelly? As in the goalie?”
“Yes,” she hisses. “Do not look at me like that, I know what I did." She presses her hands to her cheeks and laughs, giddy, champagne bright.
"Em, I have never felt so liberated in my life. I was so scared of the first kiss with someone new, so I found a moment with Nelly, who is just the sweetest, and I just asked him if I could kiss him because I’ve been stressing about the first kiss with someone after my husband, and I basically asked if I could use him.
Told him it didn’t mean anything other than I thought he was cute.
I also said no one will know, that it was a one-time thing, and then he agreed and we did it,” she rambles.
“It was fun. I'm so glad it's out of the way. I feel like I can breathe. And man, is he a good kisser.” I’m shocked, but she’s glowing.
I’m not going to take this moment away from her, she deserves it, so I pull her into a hug.
“Wait, did I interrupt something with the hot young footballer?”
I shake my head. “No, he’s not interested in me.”
“He said he would be in the same spot when you got back. That man is waiting for you.”
“What! He’s way too young for me. He probably feels sorry for me standing alone at the bar.”
“Or he’s in his cougar era.”
“Get out.” I push her.
“You two have been talking for ages.”
“How would you know, you’ve been playing tonsil hockey with Nelly.”
Cassidy gasps. “Bitch.” She grins. “Ledger is flirting with you.”
“No, he’s not.”
“Yes, he is. Take him in the bushes and kiss him,” she suggests.
“I’m not doing that,” I tell her.
“Why not? He’s cute.”
“I don’t think I’m ready.”
Cassidy stills. “Really?”
I shrug. “I don’t know … it’s all … a lot.”
Her face softens. “It is, and I get it, but honestly, I feel like that kiss changed me and not because it was good but like it severed the last thread of feeling I had for Trevor. It was my fuck you.” I nod.
I get what she means. “But it’s okay if you’re not there yet.
I’m happy to kiss right now. Sleeping with someone might be too soon, or maybe I might change my mind because honestly, when he kissed me, I might need a change of underwear. ”
“Cass!”
“Hey, it’s been a while.” She grins. “Come on, let’s go back inside and see if that sexy giant footballer is still waiting for you.” Cass raises a brow at me.
“He has so many better options than me.” I groan.
“And yet he’s been chatting with you all night.”
“I’m a great conversationalist,” I tell her.
“Come on,” she says, dragging me back into the reception.
Ledger is exactly where he said he'd be, leaning against the bar with his whiskey, and his whole face lifts when he sees me coming.
"There she is. I was starting to think I'd been abandoned." He smiles.
"Sorry, best friend emergency," Cassidy states.
"Everything okay?” Ledger asks, sounding concerned.
“All good. Sorry to have taken Em, she’s all yours now.” She practically pushes me toward him. Real subtle, Cass. “I’ll catch up with you later.” Then she’s gone.
“Don’t worry, she’s always like that,” I tell him as I turn to the bar and order myself a glass of champagne for some liquid courage.
Ledger and I continue chatting and laughing for a large portion of the night, about anything and everything. I’m really enjoying myself.
“Oh no, poor guy.” He chuckles.
I follow his line of sight, and I see a beautiful, buxom blonde giggling and touching Sully’s arm.
“That’s my sister Annabelle, and it looks like she has her sights on one of the hockey guys, Sully, isn’t it?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I answer as I watch Sully flirt with the woman.
“I love my sister, but she is a handful.” He chuckles.
“My brother was the same,” I say flatly.
“Do you think I should say something?” Ledger asks.
“Um, as a sister, I would hate that,” I tell him.