Ember
I kissed Sully.
I kissed Sully, and it was the single best kiss of my entire life, and that’s what freaked me out.
No one has ever kissed me like that, and that scared me.
So, I told him he shouldn't have done it, which isn't even true, because it wasn’t all him, and then I ran away like a lunatic and left him standing on a beach.
What is wrong with me?
I fix my makeup with shaking hands, smooth my hair, and practice a normal face in the mirror.
You’ve got this, I tell myself before exiting the bathroom.
The reception hasn't changed one bit, the band is still playing, everyone is still dancing and laughing, which feels insane because my entire world just tilted on that beach and nobody out here even knows.
I get myself a glass of water and stand at the edge of the dance floor working out my exit, and that's when Ledger finds me.
"Hey." He's got his hands in his pockets and an apology already on his face. "There you are. I was looking for you before, but you'd disappeared."
"I needed some air."
"Yeah, about that." He blows out a breath. "I'm sorry. Back at the bar, you told me something real, and my face did something stupid. You deserved better than that. It just caught me off-guard, is all. What those guys did to you and your friend is pretty messed up. And I fully understand that you’ve just come out of something traumatic and you don’t need me being an idiot.”
Aw, he’s so sweet. I place my hand on his thick arm. “It’s okay. You did nothing wrong. I’m in a weird space right now.”
“For what it’s worth, I think you’re hot.” He smirks.
“I’m flattered, but I’m also way too old for you.”
He pretends to be heartbroken. “I disagree, but I’d still like to hangout, if you’re up for it?”
I want to say yes because he really is cute, but I think emotionally I have overstayed my welcome at this wedding. "I'm going to call it a night," I say gently. "It's not you, Ledger. You're lovely. I'm just ... not where I thought I was."
He takes it like a gentleman, because he is one, and wishes me a good night. Now I need to find my bestie and tell her I’m leaving. I find her on the dance floor.
“Hey, there you are,” she says as she tries to pull me into a dance.
“Hey, look, I'm done," I tell her. "Too much champagne and I'm heading back to the hotel."
"What? No! The band's doing another set." She pouts.
"You stay, I'll take the shuttle back to the hotel."
"You're not going back alone …" Her eyes go over my shoulder and light up. "Oh, perfect. Hey! Sully!"
No.
I turn, and there he is, coming in from the direction of the lawn, jacket over his shoulder. His eyes find mine and everything from the beach arrives in my chest at once.
"Em's going back to the hotel by herself," Cassidy says. "Are you staying or leaving? Because if you're leaving …"
"Cass, I'm fine on my own." I try to stop her.
"I'm ready to leave," Sully says.
"Great, sorted, thank you. Love you both. Bye." Then she's gone, spinning back into the music, having just solved a problem she doesn't know she created.
Right.
“Shall we go grab the bus?” he says.
I nod because I don’t know what to say, this is awkward. Neither of us says a word as we walk to the bus, and there’s still nothing but silence all the way into town, too, as I keep my eyes firmly on the window.
The hotel lobby is empty and smells like coffee and sea salt, and we climb the stairs without a word. I think we're actually going to make it, pretending like the beach never happened as we reach the corridor that our rooms are on, then he stops as I reach my door.
"Night, Em."
I stand there facing my door, key in my hand.
My mouth opens with absolutely no plan behind it, and I turn around to say something to him, but I’m too late, his door clicks shut.
The corridor is empty, just the hum of the old hallway lights and the ocean somewhere outside, and me, standing there like a coward.
"Night," I whisper to nobody. I let myself into my room and get ready for bed on autopilot.
Dress on the chair, makeup wiped, teeth brushed, an Advil and a bottle of water for later.
I lie in the dark and stare at the ceiling, listening to the ocean through the window and the silence through the wall.
I replay that kiss, and every time I do, my body tingles.
I should not be thinking about Connor Sullivan like that.
Then why did he kiss me? He felt sorry for you. My stomach sinks at that thought.
A while later, after many failed attempts at falling asleep, Cassidy stumbles in, humming to herself, shoes in one hand. She runs into the corner of the bed, trying to be quiet and curses.
“It’s okay, I’m awake.”
“Oh, shit, sorry, did I wake you?” she whisper-yells.
“No, it’s all good. I was waiting for you to get home safe and sound.”
“Aw, thanks. Let me get changed and then we can chat.” She giggles.
Moments later, she is back and getting into bed. “What a beautiful wedding?” She sighs.
“It was gorgeous.”
“And how happy they looked.”
“Yeah,” I say sadly.
Cassidy rolls over, and I can feel her eyes on me in the dark. “I thought it would be sad watching Collette and Fish get married, but … it wasn’t.”
I’m glad for her.
“I feel like it was hard for you,” she says quietly.
And she would be right. Tears start to form, but I refuse to let them fall. “I … I guess I don’t know if I can ever trust another man again.”
Cassidy gasps. “Oh, Em. I’m so sorry, I had no idea you felt like that.”
“You don’t feel like that?” I question her.
“No, I don’t.”
Huh.
“What I feel is … not hate, that’s too strong a word, but like a level from that … for wasting my time. I’m sad that he wasted my time. Trevor isn’t losing anything. He still has the love of his life, while I’m starting over. But I’m excited to meet the love of my life, aren’t you?”
“I’m scared,” I confess to her. “I feel like if someone couldn’t love me for all those years then no one can.”
“Oh, Em.”
“Don’t feel sorry for me, it’s just the weird headspace I’m in. How can I trust the next guy isn’t going to cheat or keep a life-altering secret from me.”
“Because they’re not Kevin or Trevor,” she says.
“But we knew them our entire lives and they still lied to us. A stranger will too.”
“Maybe you should see a therapist to help you work that stuff out,” Cass whispers.
“You think I’m messed up?” I ask her.
“We’re all a little messed up.” She chuckles. “I do think you should maybe talk to someone about that feeling though. You don’t want to take that baggage into the next relationship.”
“How are you not affected?” I ask her.
“I am, but they have taken so much from me, I will not let those two assholes take anything else from me. I refuse to let them take my future, they do not deserve it. I will not let them take up space in my mind anymore.”
Wow.
“You’re fucking awesome,” I tell her.
“Aw, thanks, but so are you. I hate that you are in a negative headspace, I wish I could do something to help.”
“You know what, your words have given me food for thought.”
“They have?” She seems surprised.
“Yeah, I keep dwelling on what I have lost and all the things I could have been.”
“We can’t change what’s happened. I wish I could turn back time, but we simply can’t.”
“If you could, would you change things?” I ask her.
“Hell yeah. If I had the knowledge I do now, I would. But the thing is we didn’t know, and that’s annoying as hell.”
It is.
“I’m going to try harder. Try to be more positive.”
“It looks like I have my shit together, but I don’t. But kissing Nelly tonight and maybe a couple more times after you left …”
I squeal. “You did what?”
“Yeah, hold on, let me finish my thought …” she says. “Having that new memory and new feelings seems to have flicked the switch in my mind …”
Did kissing Sully flick a switch in mine? Maybe, or did it just show me I’m still messed up?
“Fuck Trevor, I am going to go out there and get the life I deserve.”
Hell yeah.
“And this includes kissing young Swedish hockey players …” I tease.
“Yes. It very much does.” She giggles. “What about you and that hot footballer?”
“No, I couldn’t.”
“That’s okay. The fact you spent your night talking to a man was a big step.”
She has no idea how big a step I’ve taken. I feel so guilty lying to my best friend, but she will freak out on her brother if she finds out we’ve kissed.
“Am I ready to date yet? No. But I am ready to have fun,” she tells me.
“So … give me all the details about Nelly,” I ask her.
Cassidy makes a happy sound and burrows deeper into her pillow.
"Okay, so after you left, I went to get a drink, and he was just standing at the end of the bar by himself all tall and quiet and fricken handsome, and he whispers to me, ‘Did you have fun kissing me before, because I did. I can’t stop thinking about it.’" She snorts. “It was so hot.”
"He didn’t."
"He did. And I nearly died, and then I said yes, and he whispered to meet him on the beach.”
“Oh my gosh.” I gasp.
“Right. There was no one around and …”
“And what?” I ask her.
“I had my first orgasm in months.”
I squeal. “What do you mean?”
“Things may have, you know, gotten heated, and um … the man is very giving with his tongue.”
My cheeks flush. “You didn’t?”
“I feel like a new woman, Em. Also, Trevor never made me come like that.” She giggles.
“We know why,” I mumble.
“Oh, my god. Is that why he never wanted to go down on me?” Cassidy gasps.
“Trevor didn’t do that too?” I ask her.
“Hardly ever. He said I took too long.”
“Kevin said the same thing.”
“Shit, the signs were all there.” She sighs.
“Guess they were,” I say, staring at the ceiling.
“We’ve been missing out, Em. One night with a man who wanted me, wholeheartedly, even if it was just for a moment. I realize how much I wasn’t getting out of my marriage and how much was missing. I don’t know how to explain it, until you experience it for yourself, Em.”
She has no idea. And she’s right, the way Sully kissed me, I’ve never been kissed like that, well, not in a long time anyway.
And it felt good, so good, but then the guilt hit me and the shame because it feels like I’ve moved on too quickly.
I mean, what is the correct amount of mourning time on a marriage when the partner cheats?
None, they cheated. That is true. Also, you shouldn’t feel guilty, you’ve done nothing wrong. Except kiss my best friend’s brother.
“Maybe one day.” The lie falls easily from my tongue.
“Hopefully one day soon.” She giggles.