SIXTY-NINE
Gigi
“Thank you,” I tell the elderly guest and his mistress. “I hope you have a good evening.”
It’s a rarity to have such luxurious events held at the grounds of the Circle’s nineteenth-century manor, but this is a momentous occasion after all. The farewell to a recruit should call for nothing less than a reference to where it all began.
I heard whispers through the halls that Richard was planning something for this evening. It’s still a struggle to look at him knowing there’s something hidden under the surface, but I’ve been forced to be his ally in the hope he won’t stop me from saying a final goodbye.
We stand at the grand entrance to our home, a litter of Bentleys, Porches – you name it – sweeping the drive. Guests climb out, walking up the marble steps to where Richard, Hudson, and I stand ready to greet them.
As always, there are tuxedos, formal dresses … It’s the typical extravagant affair. Having fallen through the cracks lately, I’ve chosen a floor-length black gown to help solidify my role here now I’ve lost all motivation to kill my boss.
The man of the hour hasn’t even arrived yet and my nerves are apparently obvious, my jittery hands a dead giveaway of my real feelings.
Hudson whispers in my ear, “You’ll be fine. ”
Gnawing at my bottom lip, I ask, “Is it that obvious?”
“Just to me … I’ve got you. Don’t worry.” His hand drops to my lower back, holding the material to stabilise me.
“Andy, so glad you could make it,” Richard says, pulling my attention forwards.
Andy only lives a few yards away, in one of the apartments, but I’m still shocked to see him here nonetheless. His hair lacks product, hanging in front of his eyes, which are still as red-rimmed as they are whenever I see him.
He nods in acknowledgement. “Boss.”
A ringing phone pierces the silence, and Richard says apologetically, “Excuse me, ladies and gents. I must take this. Gigi, please stay here to welcome the last remaining guests.”
Bringing my attention back to my colleague, I try my most convincing smile. “It’s good to see you … This is Hudson.”
“Hi, mate. Good to see you.”
Through the silence a burning question overwhelms my thoughts, and it’s on the tip of my tongue to ask Andy how he is. The worry that he’s deteriorating in front of our eyes is real. Yet as I open my mouth to speak, he says, “I’ll be heading inside. I hope you two have a good evening.”
As he steps through the large doors I release a long sigh, causing Hudson to return his hand to my lower back.
“Relax. You’re doing great. A whole interaction with your friend and nothing embarrassing has happened.”
“Yet.”
“You still have time to mess it up, don’t worry.”
I laugh at the stupid remark. I feel incredibly lucky that Hudson has been so supportive throughout all this. It didn’t feel right to lead him on knowing my heart was elsewhere. While I was initially terrified to expose my insecurities about Harry and everything he meant to me, Hudson hasn’ t so much as blinked an eyelid at the infidelity.
“Thank you,” I say, turning my head briefly to catch his eye.
At the thought of him allowing the two of us to be so close without intimacy, I lean up and press a gentle kiss to his cheek to show my gratitude. As I pull back, the look in his eyes falters, and I instantly panic.
“What is it?”
“You may want to turn around, princess,” Hudson whispers, Harry’s pet name hitting me straight in the gut.
At the mere thought of him my breath catches. I turn, suddenly unable to breathe.
“Harry.”
Oh fuck, I can’t do this.
As if he can sense the sudden change, Hudson’s grip tightens on the back of my dress, keeping my legs from buckling underneath me.
Harry nods at my presence, his voice lacking emotion. “Gigi.”
He looks incredible. His tousled black hair is swept back perfectly from his face, except for the lone strand that hangs down from his forehead – that piece has always had a mind of its own. He looks like everything I remember and everything I don’t. Instead of his typical white shirt, he’s wearing black. It’s an unwritten rule that all men must opt for a white button-down under their tuxes, but rules never did seem to matter to Harry.
“And who might you be?” Hudson asks, pulling me back down to earth.
Through my pining I almost didn’t see the stunning woman standing at his side. She hangs off his bent elbow as if she’s always belonged there. There’s no denying it no matter how much I want to glass the bitch with my leftover champagne: she’s absolutely stunning. Her hair is cropped beneath her chin and incredibly shiny, the type of unachievable standard seen in cosmetics adverts. The strands are light brown, a similar colour to her eyes. The light illuminating the mansion at our backs bounces off her glowing complexion .
I hate to admit it, but they look perfect together.
“Emily.”
Even her voice is perfect. Soft and gentle, kind of like a chime.
Silence stretches between the four of us again, and I force the gears in my mind to form a coherent sentence, remembering I haven’t even acknowledged this woman yet.
“I’ve heard a lot about you. Your dress is lovely.”
“Thanks!” She beams.
“ Prada. Last year’s season. I know it well.”
Hudson pinches my lower back in warning.
Interrupting what would have been another awkward silence, Richard approaches. I can tell it’s him because his steps seem to echo long after he’s taken them. It’s a chilling way of expecting his approach before he’s even arrived.
“Harry!” he exclaims. “So glad you could make it. And you, lovely lady, must be Emily. You sure do know how to pick ’em, don’t you?”
I shudder inwardly at the crude remark, and I swear Harry’s eyes flicker over to me. But maybe I imagined it.
Richard steps forwards and takes hold of Emily’s fingertips, raising her hand. He kisses her knuckles gently, and my eyes briefly dart to Harry, trying to gauge his reaction.
Harry blinks once. Twice.
Emily takes a step back. “It’s great to finally meet you, sir.”
“Look how civil we’re all being together. It’s just magnificent. No hard feelings, Harry?”
“None at all. I’ll be collecting my final belongings by the end of the week.”
“Very good.” Richard nods. “Please, head inside before the last of the champagne disappears.”
“It was a pleasure to meet you all.” Emily’s musical voice echoes behind them as they go .
After greeting a few more guests we finally head inside. The living quarters and the cafeteria have been cordoned off for today’s event, so we’re all gathered in the main hall.
Everyone I recognise is here. B and Andy are over by the bar chatting away, and Richard is talking with some older men in the far corner. While Harry isn’t in my immediate vicinity, I can feel his presence in the building.
“Gigi,” Poppy says in greeting, walking past with a spiteful look on her face.
“Poppy,” I spit.
Stepping in front of me and blocking her from my view, Hudson whispers, “I thought we were choosing to play nice?”
“That was before I knew she would be here. Did you know I beat her up once?” I smile.
Since almost murdering Richard in cold blood my loyalties have been askew. Yet for some unknown reason, I still continue to put on this fa?ade in the company of others, instantly choosing to act on defence in the worry they’ll see the shattered state of me underneath. But with Harry in the building, I can feel the weakness he imposes on me cracking through everything.
Hudson and I work our way around the room greeting guests and talking bollocks. A few even mention the twins Billy and Bobby, still struggling to come to terms with how they were pulled from the Thames last year.
I purse my lips, feigning ignorance.
A silver spoon taps against the rim of a glass, echoing around the space and drawing our attention.
Richard’s using the steps like a pedestal as he stands overlooking his people. His typical whiskey has been replaced with a champagne flute as he projects his voice. “Can I have everyone’s attention, please? Thank you for coming this evening. It’s great to see another successful turnout. We’ve welcomed faces old and new tonight, which brings me to say … I’d like to raise a toast. This will be the last formal event for Harry. ”
I briefly shut my eyes, trying to compose myself.
“I’d like to welcome him to dance with none other than our strongest asset …”
There’s a defining pause.
No.
Don’t say it.
Please.
“Gigi!”
FUCK!
My chest tightens as panic overwhelms me. I haven’t even turned around yet, haven’t looked into the eyes I know are green, beautiful, and capable of utterly destroying me.
“I can’t do this,” I whisper.
I can feel every attendee’s gaze on my stiff form.
This is far, far worse than any performance at Pixies.
“You can, and you will.” Hudson pushes me forwards. “Now go.”
I catch Richard’s smirk as he raises his champagne flute to his mouth. “Will the two of you kindly meet in the centre of the room?”
My feet lead the way, betraying my head, which screams at me to run in the opposite direction. I’ve been aching for the moment I can be in Harry’s presence again for months, but here, my feelings will be analysed under the watchful eye of so many others. And I’m terrified of what they’ll discover.
I walk closer until I’m just inches from Harry. He stands in the centre, and I focus on his black leather shoes before my eyes sweep up the length of him and reach his strong eyes.
He’s here.
He’s alive.
Offering me his palm, he asks, “Let’s give them what they want then, shall we? ”
As if we never spent a minute apart I place my palm into his, and he pulls my body towards his chest simultaneously. My heart beats so fast I fear he’ll hear it. His fingers brush against my lower back, drawing me closer. Chest pressed against his, my fingers intertwine with his free hand slowly.
We both move to the music as tension grows between us, the burn in his eyes forcing me to turn away. His touch is overpowering, forcing me to surrender subliminally. Our silence speaks volumes, insinuating more than words could ever say. But I feel inclined to say something.
“I thought you were going to leave me stranded up here,” I whisper.
I glance up at Harry’s face finally, but he’s staring longingly into the distance.
“I was going to.”
After a pause he brings his eyes down to mine, and I see the rawness in his features. To just anyone he’d look cool and composed. But I see his real emotion instantly.
This is hurting him.
Trying to bring up a more comfortable topic, I ask, “Her name is Emily, right? She’s very beautiful.”
“She is.” He nods and pauses for a beat. “But she’s not you.”
I squeeze my eyes closed, fighting the force of the words. The girl who fought for top rank wouldn’t stand for this. But that girl was only fuelled by power; she didn’t feel love.
Before my shocked expression becomes a talking point for our audience, Harry extends his arm to spin me. My hair blows away from my shoulders before he quickly brings me back in, our bodies even closer than before. The air gets knocked out of me, and my eyes flutter open as an echo of applause rings around us.
The noise comes in waves of distorted colours.
“You seem really happy. You deserve it,” I say .
I’m not sure I’ve seen Harry happy in a long time. But that’s the kind of compliment you give to your ex, right? That you’ve noticed they’ve visibly moved on.
I’m not sure if I believe he has.
I’m not even sure if I have.
I’m not sure I ever will.
“Emily’s my cousin,” Harry says. “She knew I wouldn’t be able to face tonight alone.”
I blink quickly to hide my surprise. “Oh …”
I really don’t know him at all anymore.
A moment of silence stretches between us.
Harry’s voice is low, like a whisper, but painful. “What happened to us?”
The question is overloaded with meaning. It impacts me like a knife straight to the heart, shattering it into a million pieces, and piecing it back together jagged and scarred.
Tears splinter my vision, my voice cracking. “I’ve been mourning you for months. You were never supposed to take the bullet.”
But he isn’t talking about that.
He’s talking about the secrets we’ve kept.
Secrets that will forever outweigh our trust.
Throughout the next few minutes we move our bodies in silence as other people join us on the dance floor.
“You look beautiful tonight,” Harry says eventually.
“Don’t be the good guy. I don’t deserve it,” I whisper, closing my eyes as I feel the sting. “Not after everything I put you through.”
A part of me aches to seek out Hudson for comfort in this crowded room. But he’ll never put me at ease the way Harry could. The way Harry can .
“This certainly wasn’t how I expected my night to go, but I knew our paths would cross again at some point. ”
“It’ll be unfortunate to see you leave,” I say in a choked whisper. “You really were a good asset to our team.”
“Someone took my job.” He smirks until his expression fades, a different emotion rising to the surface. “They realised I was a liability. The Circle wasn’t my main priority anymore …”
In one swift movement Harry dips my body. The strands of my hair brush the marble floor before he pulls me back to his chest, our hearts close but our lives a million miles apart.
“In another life I’d like to think I never would have joined,” he says. “I wonder what the other me is doing now. If he’s happy … if he’s with you. I wonder if you hate me in that life too.”
“Harry …” I beg.
“I’d like to think I’ve loved you in a thousand lifetimes.” He raises his hand to my cheek, brushing away a stray tear. “I can’t be mad about that. That’s more than any man has ever wished for … but happy endings aren’t for people like us.”
I want to scream the words through my chest: I don’t hate you .
I’d always put myself in any type of harm’s way to save him. Even now. But we’ve passed the point of no return. No words will bring us back to the couple we once were. That was a lifetime ago.
Love overpowers my head as I plead desperately, “Don’t leave me.”
“I don’t have a choice, baby,” he says, and I shake my head. “I’ll be out of the city soon. You’ll never have to see me again.”
Fuck Richard, fuck Emily, fuck Hudson. Fuck everything. Fuck everyone! Screw every heist. Every penny earned. Damn every kill! I can feel each materialistic win evaporating at my fingertips. None of it is worth a life without Harry.
I clutch onto his hand as he continues to hold my cheek. He tilts his head, focusing on the pad of his thumb against my cheekbone as he says, “I wish I could change things, but I can’t. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in life. But out of all the things I’ve done … falling in love with you was the best decision I ever made. You were my greatest adventure, but they all come to an end. Wherever you end up, I hope you’ll be happy. I’ll try to be too.”
“I’ll come with you.” I shake my head, feeling like I’m losing the ability to breathe. “We’ll leave here together.”
Harry smiles sadly, his voice soft. “Richard will kill the both of us before we even get out of London.”
“I don’t care,” I say, gasping for air. “I’ll change for you. For us .”
“But you shouldn’t have to.” A tear glistens in his eye. “You’re perfect the way you are, Gigi. Don’t give up everything you’ve worked hard for.”
My lips part, the words burning my throat. “I love you.”
“I know,” he says softly.
He pauses, his eyes pained.
Dropping his hand from my skin slowly, he takes a step backwards. Shaking his head as if he’s debating doing something foolish, Harry turns around and walks away.
My gaze meets the floor and I squeeze my eyes shut as tight as possible. But even with my vision distorted I can feel the room shrinking around me. The internal screams that slice through my ears are so strong they threaten to bring me to my knees.
The room spins faster.
I can feel every eye boring into me – except one pair.
Blinking my eyes open, I find Harry walking towards the exit with his head down.
I feel it deep within my chest that with each step I’m losing him further. Unlike that day back at my house, where I saw a stranger invading my home and felt elastic bands tightening around us, struggling to keep us apart, I can now feel the bands fraying between my fingers .
Nothing will pull us back this time.
When I scan the room, Emily meets my eye and watches me with quiet realisation. She’s standing alone, but her smile is full of knowing. I swear she even nods in understanding.
As if he can sense my inner turmoil, Richard’s gaze is harsh as I spot him on the stairs. Harry was right: we’d never make it out of the city alive. It’d be obvious we were fraternising behind closed doors. If Richard didn’t kill me, he’d only drag me back to the Circle kicking and screaming. And from the way he’s currently assessing me with his glare, I know if I run now I’ll be risking everything – every secret, every sin – just to tell Harry goodbye.
Richard raises his glass to his lips in warning, watching me over the rim. His dark eyes are full of meaning. Acting out will end in punishment.
But the repercussions will be nothing compared to how much I’ll hate myself.
Fuck it.
Inhaling a sharp breath, I bunch the hem of my gown into my palms and rush towards where Harry exited. I throw open the double doors and shiver at the bitter-cold breeze, tossing my head back and forth to try to catch a glimpse of him. On the marble steps I strain my eyes to see through the black shadows for any glimpse of movement.
Worry washes through me.
Worry that captures the organ in my chest, squeezing it tight in the fear I’m too late.
“Gigi?”
I whip my head around as Harry steps forwards from the brick wall, a cigarette falling to the floor beneath his feet.
Relief blows through me like a gust of wind. I find myself wanting to clutch at my knees and suck in air like water, but I don’t dare waste this moment. As if my feet have a mind of their own, I rush forwards, my pace starting as a walk and then turning into a run before I throw my arms around him.
The action catches Harry by surprise. It takes him a second to embrace me back just as strongly. I push my head into the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent one last time. It’s always the same – leather with a hint of mint.
“I never got to say thank you,” I whisper into his skin, keeping my eyes closed. “Thank you … for everything.”
He pauses, and I contemplate if he heard me.
But it doesn’t matter , I think. As long as I’ve spoken my truth to him.
Despite my concerns I don’t pull away from his embrace. His body shifts as his hand moves to the back of my head, tangling my long strands between his fingers.
I rest my forehead against his. “I’ve loved you in every lifetime too.”
“Do you enjoy pushing me to my fucking limit?” he whispers, and I smile sadly at the memory.
Oh, how simple life was back then.
But too much time has happened, and too many repercussions stand in our way for us to return to the couple we once were.
Harry’s eyes flicker to my lips, and for a fleeting moment I think he’s going to kiss me.
And in that moment of vulnerability, I silently hope he does.
I crave the feeling like I crave air.
But when he sighs and drops his hand, I’m thankful. I would never have been able to let him go if he’d grabbed me and pushed his lips against mine.
As I drop my arms from around his neck and take a step back Harry smiles. I force one in return, fighting the unworldly feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“Goodbye, Gigi.”
“Goodbye, Harry.”