Chapter Seven
“ A re you free tonight?”
Sienna looked up from where she was typing on her computer, Max’s voice echoing through the empty office as they spoke on the video call.
“No, not tonight,” she answered quickly, diverting her eyes back to the screen. Max was perceptive, but she hoped the slight distortion of speaking over the video call was enough to hide her aversion and the waver in her voice.
“Sienna…”
No such luck.
“I’m busy. I’m still sorting out this winter timetable.”
It wasn’t a total lie, but if she could get away with not admitting where she was doing it or who with, then she would count it as merely not divulging the whole truth. She was already second-guessing the decision to take Debs up on her offer, talking herself in and out of it countless times in the run-up and after texting her to arrange it. The last thing she needed was for Max to throw doubt on her decision, make her overthink things. She was quite capable of doing that herself. Or even worse, for Max to encourage Sienna to do something entirely foolish.
“Okay, but you seem to have been doing that for weeks. Is it really that difficult? Or are you making a back-up plan?”
Sienna looked up sharply. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, are you throwing yourself into the centre and making all these long-term plans because you’re afraid that uni isn’t going to work out?”
“I’m not…Max, I’ve got so much on I’m barely even thinking about uni right now. I mean, I am because I’m doing this in preparation for being at uni, but really, I'm not. I mean, it needs to be in place whether I’m there full-time or not.”
“So you’re stressing about it?”
“Of course I’m stressing about it!” Sienna snapped, then sighed when she immediately realised her tone. “Sorry.”
“No, it’s fine. I get it. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t doing that thing you do.”
“What thing?”
“The thing when you talk yourself out of doing something because you convince yourself it’s not worth it, you’re not worth it, and you’re just being over-ambitious.”
“I don’t do that,” Sienna mumbled, although it was unconvincing to her own ears.
“Sure. And I’m a gender-conforming heterosexual.” Sienna watched through the screen as Max pointed to themself with a flower stem, clearly making up an order while they were busy talking to Sienna. They tucked a bright pink gerbera behind their ear, winking at Sienna.
She chuckled at the display of childish idiocy. “You’re an idiot.”
“I’m your idiot. Well, until someone snaps up this prime piece of—”
“Please! However you are about to end that sentence, don’t!” she stuttered through now uncontrollable laughter.
“You used to love my—”
“Stop it!” Sienna wheezed. “You need to get laid if you’re talking to me about your…however you were planning on finishing that sentence!”
“Not through lack of trying, my friend.”
“Liar. You’re too busy hoping the perfect woman walks through the door of your shop, ready to woo them with your encyclopaedic knowledge of botany.”
“It worked for you,” Max retorted.
“For a while, I guess.” Sienna smirked. “As much fun as this trip down memory lane of our failed romance is, I have to get going.”
“Okay.” Max sighed, leaning in closer to the camera. “But please don’t forget about me. And don’t work too hard.”
“As if I could,” Sienna scoffed.
“Forget about me or—”
“Bye, Max!” Sienna sing-songed before hitting the button to hang up on them.
The call from them had done the trick in getting her to relax slightly, but now she had stopped, she knew that she wouldn’t be able to get going again. Glancing at the clock she realised that she really didn’t have enough time to really get into the swing of things again before she would have to pack up and leave the centre and make her way out of the city centre towards Debs’ house. Time to face the music , she thought.
Debs stood back from the table, wondering once again if it was too much for something as simple as dinner between two almost-friends. Almost-friends. Debs, once again, hadn’t thought twice when she offered to help Sienna. It wasn’t a new concept for her; she would always help those who needed it. She was a firm believer that you got what you put into the world, and a little bit of kindness went a long way. But for some reason, her desire to help Sienna was almost instinctual. Even in the two small acts she had already performed, she had done so without hesitation, only later allowing herself to dissect them and really think about it. And all that had done was led to more confusion. In the two weeks in which she had not seen Sienna, she had thought about her more often than she had cared to admit, wondering how she was doing, always using the guise of the centre as an excuse. She had contemplated at one point calling and asking to speak to her, maybe even reaching out to Liz for her details, but she had quickly talked herself out of that, reasoning that it was far too much for someone with only a passing acquaintance of the woman to be doing.
And yet, something about Sienna wouldn’t leave her mind.
The sound of Alexa announcing someone was at her door broke through her thoughts, and she swiftly pulled herself away from scrutinising the dinner table once again. As she passed through the hallway, the smell of the new patchouli and orange-scented candle she had lit tonight wafted past her; she lit candles all the time, she reasoned. There was nothing romantic or special about it; they were lit when Mica and Grace came around for dinner, and there was most definitely nothing romantic about that scenario.
Standing behind the front door, she took a moment to compose herself, smoothing her hands down the front of her soft yoga pants. She’d changed when she got home, not wanting to spend another moment in her suit. One of her favourite things to do once she stepped through that front door was to shed the facade of a businesswoman and instead just be Debs again. Once, it was Debs the wife and mother; now just a mother. Although when the house was empty, she had to admit she didn’t know who she was when she got rid of the suit.
Realising she was uncharacteristically stalling, she quickly pulled open the door, finding Sienna standing on the other side.
“Hi,” Debs greeted with a smile.
“Hey. I hope I’m not too early? I wasn’t sure what the traffic would be like.”
“No, not at all. Did you drive out?” Debs asked, peering around the doorframe to see if there was another car parked in the driveway.
“No, I got a cab.”
“Oh, you should have said. I could have picked you up. I’ll pay you back for the fare. I know it’s not cheap to get out here,” Debs said, standing back to let Sienna into the house.
“No, it’s fine.” Sienna shook off her offer. “I had a car when I first moved here, but I didn’t really need it, and it was just sitting there costing money I couldn’t really afford to lose. So I sold it. Even though I live a little way out now, it’s still easier to use the train or bus. Sorry, I’m rambling.”
Debs smiled as she closed the door. “Not at all. And you’re right, it’s much easier to use the bus around the city. If I didn’t have to travel around so much, I wouldn’t even attempt to drive in that chaos. Can I get you a drink?”
Debs moved back through the house, slipping into the large kitchen-diner at the end of the hallway.
“Oh, sure, that would be lovely… Oh, wow.”
Debs turned at Sienna’s exclamation, smiling when she saw her standing slack-jawed in the doorway. She’s adorable , she thought, before quickly catching herself and wondering where the thought came from.
“Everything okay?” she asked, hoping that she covered her tracks well enough.
“Yeah, I just…this kitchen is amazing.”
“Oh, thanks. To be honest, I’m not much of a cook, that was always James’ area of expertise, but I know enough to get by and keep the kids alive, so I hope roast chicken salad is okay.”
“James…that’s your husband?”
“Ex-husband. But yes.” Debs moved across to the fridge, pulling it open and producing a bottle of wine. “Do you drink alcohol?”
“I… Yes. That’s a… No one really asks that question.”
“I know. But I do because my best friend doesn’t drink, so I’ve learnt not to take it for granted. Is wine okay? Or do you want something else? I have plenty of non-alcoholic options?”
“Because of your best friend?”
“And my two underage children. But yes, mostly because of Mica,” Debs explained as she poured herself a glass. She had wanted one sooner, but she’d made herself wait until Sienna had arrived, not wanting to be a glass down before they’d even started discussing what she had invited Sienna here to talk about.
“Wine is good, thanks,” Sienna said as she smiled.
Debs poured her a glass as well, sliding it across the kitchen island. “Sit down, make yourself at home.”
Debs placed the bottle back in the fridge, watching as Sienna cautiously took a seat, hands already anxiously picking at her fingernails again. Even though she had only seen it a couple of times, she already recognised it as a nervous habit Sienna seemed to revert to whenever she was uncomfortable. She wondered what it was that was causing her to feel nervous—the stress of her waiting for her uni place, something at the centre, or being here. Whatever it was, Debs hoped she could calm some of it as the evening went on.
“So, I planned for dinner in about an hour. I thought we could take a look at your timetable before we eat; that way, once it’s done, we can relax a little.”
“Yeah, that sounds good,” Sienna said, instantly ducking down to pull her laptop out of her rucksack. “I mean, it’s not like I haven’t planned stuff like this before, but I really don’t remember it being this difficult last time.”
“When you were getting ready for the opening?”
“Yeah. It just seems such a bigger task this time around.”
“It’s probably because you’re doing it with the idea that you won’t be around to see it all over. I understand that; the need to micromanage. But there’s people there who will take on this responsibility when it’s all planned out.”
“I know. I know. I guess I just really didn’t think this was going to be the way it worked out.”
“The way what worked out?” Debs regarded Sienna as she paused in her near-frantic actions, watching as she exhaled deeply.
“Having this job and potentially going to uni.”
Debs cocked her head. “You didn’t think about that?”
“Honestly? I applied for uni last year and then tried to forget about it. Then, just after Christmas, I saw the job for The Lighthouse and went for it, again not really thinking it would come to anything. Especially when I told Liz I had applied for uni. And then I got the job, and it was like my dream.” Sienna shrugged, and Debs saw her shake off the emotions starting to break through. She pushed back the disappointment at the fact Sienna didn’t feel safe enough to open up to her fully. “Anyway, uni’s not a given yet. But either way, the centre still needs a winter timetable.”
“Why now?”
“What?”
Debs smiled at the way that Sienna’s forehead screwed up in confusion, the slight peek of a dimple where she gave a nervous smile. “Uni. Why now?”
“Oh. I…umm. I went before, when I was eighteen, but I dropped out after six months. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do for a while, so I just took my time. Figured it out.” Debs couldn’t work out what it was about Sienna, but she got the feeling that wasn’t all it was. But she again reminded herself that it wasn’t her place to push. If Sienna wanted to open up to her, she would.
“How long ago?”
“It was eight years ago, but I don’t know. Something about it this time seems so much harder. Even though I’ve got experience, it seems twice as difficult to even think about studying and lectures again. And everyone will be so young...”
Debs chuckled. “You make yourself out to be ancient.”
“Well, I know that I’m not old, but compared to everyone else who will be there…”
“I’ll let you into a secret.” Debs slid onto the stool beside Sienna. “I was twenty-one when I applied for university, twenty-two when I started, so even though I wasn’t quite a mature student, I was still older than everyone else who was starting. And I didn’t have upwards of six years of work and life experience to help boost my case.”
“You didn’t go to uni when you were eighteen?”
Debs chuckled at the shocked appearance on Sienna’s face. “No.”
“Wow.” Debs watched as Sienna exhaled deeply, eyes locking back onto the computer screen now illuminating her face. “Didn’t think you could get any more impressive, but I was wrong.”
“What’s impressive about that?” Debs asked through another soft laugh.
“Well, you must be, what? Thirty-two, thirty-three tops. You’ve achieved so much. Kind of makes me feel—”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” The flash of hurt across Sienna’s face at Debs’ unintentionally harsh tone made her chest ache. “I’m sorry. I just don’t want you comparing yourself to me. Or anyone else.” Debs heaved a great sigh. “When I was eighteen, I was getting ready to apply to university. Everything was going as it should. I was predicted to get good grades and applied to the best courses. Then my parents died.”
“I’m sorry.”
Debs shook her head. “Don’t be. It was a long time ago. I’m telling you because my world was turned upside down in a flash. I was suddenly alone and with my younger brother to take care of. I put everything on hold so I could be there for him.”
“Including university,” Sienna confirmed.
“Yeah.” Debs picked up her glass, taking a long swig of the wine, relishing the cool feeling of it in her throat. She hadn’t intended to tell Sienna about her parents; it really wasn’t something she spoke of much anymore. It wasn’t as though she was ashamed of it—far from it. It was just so long ago now that it had become a topic of conversation that was rarely spoken of. But something about the dismissive tone in Sienna’s voice, that once again apparent flicker of self-doubt, had thrown her into the almost reflexive reaction to defend Sienna’s worth to herself.
“How did you…I mean, how…”
“I was lucky. Dad was a great businessman, invested his money well, including some small residential properties he rented out,” Debs answered, somehow knowing what Sienna was trying to ask.
“That’s where you get it from? Your business sense?”
“I guess so.” Debs shrugged. “After a couple of months, I needed something to keep me busy. I could have still gone to university, but I didn’t want to leave my brother and… to be honest, I wasn’t ready to up and leave. Not after everything. So I started working with my uncle, who managed my Dad’s properties, and learned how the business worked from experience. By the time I was twenty-one, my brother was getting ready to go to university himself, and my uncle told me it was time to move on with my own life as well. I was more terrified at the prospect of moving and starting again than I was at eighteen. I was three, maybe even four years, older than most of the other people in my course and felt even older. There were so many times in those first few weeks I just thought about giving it up, like I’d missed my chance.”
“What changed your mind?”
“Mica and Grace,” Debs said with a smile. “We were in some lectures together. Those two had already met and hit it off when we all got put together for a group assignment. From that moment, we were inseparable.”
“They’ve been together since uni?”
Debs snorted. “Fuck, no. Those two spent ten years being absolute morons. Literally the definition of idiots in love before admitting to each other what they felt.” Debs ran her fingers underneath her eyes, fighting back the unexpected wave of emotion that was so rare when she spoke about her younger life these days. “Anyway, I was telling you because I want you to know that just because you’re twenty-whatever—”
“Six. Twenty-six.”
“Even though you’re twenty-six, and this feels huge, it’s doable. And just because I look like I’ve got everything sorted, I haven’t, and it hasn’t been an easy road to get here. If it wasn’t for my father’s small handful of rental properties and the inheritance I was left with, along with the proceeds of the sale of my parents’ house, I couldn’t have started Brannigan Developments, certainly not as soon as I did. It gave me the step-up to do things a little quicker, along with my experience with my uncle for those few years. You’ve got far more experience in the area where you want to work than I did when I started.”
“I know. And this was always my plan once I’d figured out what I wanted and saved enough to go back. I just…” Sienna drifted off, one finger on the hand nearest to Debs picking relentlessly at her thumbnail. Debs placed a hand over it, stilling the action and drawing Sienna’s gaze up.
“You worry because it’s such a big leap. Because eight years, despite however much life experience you have, is a huge difference, especially between eighteen and twenty-six. You worry that it’s all going to be for nothing, and you’ll have wasted time, money, and life on something that failed. But if you don’t do this, then there is a one hundred percent chance that you will never achieve what you want to. Staying at The Lighthouse probably seems like the easier option, but if Liz is prepared to support you, then there’s no reason you can’t do both. All we need to do is make sure that you have everything in place, at work and at home, to make sure it runs as smoothly as possible.”
Sienna laughed, weak and unsure, but a laugh nonetheless. “Just like that?”
“Just like that.” Debs grinned. “And you know why it’s going to be that easy?”
Sienna shook her head.
“Because I’m going to make sure you have everything you need.”
“Oh my God, I’m so full. I think I might burst.”
Sienna flopped back onto the sofa, grinning when Debs came into the room, smiling as she held out her wine glass, now refilled.
“If I knew you were so easy to please, I wouldn’t have worried so much.”
“It’s been weeks since I had a proper home-cooked meal. My friend Max sometimes cooks for me, but I’ve been so busy with the centre that I’ve hardly seen them. Usually, Tuesday is pizza and gin night.”
“You should have said, we could have done this another time.”
“Oh no, I needed to get this done. Chances are I would have still not seen them, convincing myself I would finish this planning tonight, then tomorrow, and the day after, but actually getting nowhere with it. This way, I’ve actually done most of it.”
“You have,” Debs said, looking over at her. “And it’s amazing. You’ll definitely impress Liz with it.”
“I couldn’t have done it without you. Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it. You had all the information; you just needed a fresh set of eyes to help arrange it. You want to pay me back; when you get to university and start that course, smash it like I know you can.”
Sienna shifted, lifting her knee underneath her as she turned to face Debs. “You’re very optimistic about this, and yet you hardly know me. What makes you think I’ll be any good?”
“Half of my job is recognising potential when I see it. People think that building a company like mine is all me, but it would be nothing without the people who work for me and with me. I have to put a lot of trust in them that they will do a good job. To do that, I have to know that they’re the right people.”
“But you must have got it wrong at some point, right?”
Sienna didn’t know why she was pushing this point. Debs had done nothing but show her support and confidence, each one of her arguments based in logic and fact, even Sienna could admit that, but still, she couldn’t seem to just accept it. That tiny voice of doubt was always nagging in the back of her head, telling her that she wasn’t worth it, that it would all go wrong. That Debs was wrong.
“Yes. Of course I have. And with each of those wrong decisions, I learned from my mistakes. My people reading skills have only improved over time.” Debs’ voice dropped, her hand coming to rest over Sienna’s. Sienna tried to ignore the spark it sent through her body. On numerous occasions this evening, Debs had touched her—a reassuring squeeze of the hand, a gentle brush of her shoulder as she walked past. And each time, Sienna’s response had only become more visceral. It was getting harder to ignore, and yet each time Sienna yearned for the contact to stay, to linger just a little longer, because as well as exciting her, it seemed to also quell the raging storm of worry and self-doubt which was always present within her. “But this time, I don’t think I’m wrong.”
“What?”
Sienna had found herself so lost in her thought, that she had forgotten that Debs was speaking at all.
Debs chuckled. “I mean, I don’t think I’m wrong about you. I’ve seen you at the centre with the kids, you’re a natural. My Thea loved you.”
Sienna beamed. “She did?”
“Yes. She already wants to come back this weekend.”
“Oh, you should bring her! This weekend, we’re doing mosaics.”
Debs laughed, and Sienna couldn’t help but watch as her neck elongated, elegant and smooth, when she tipped her head back. “I’m going to have trouble finding space for all these art projects at this rate.”
“I’m actually thinking of keeping some of them. Well, for a little while longer. I had this idea that maybe later in the year, we could do a charity event, and I was thinking of doing a charity auction with some of the kids’ artwork. Like for local businesses to buy and display. But I don’t know, it sounds a bit lame, doesn’t it?”
“Why would you think that?” Debs turned herself, mirroring Sienna’s position, her arm coming to rest on the back of the sofa, fingers resting dangerously close to Sienna’s shoulder.
“Well, who would want some random kid’s artwork on the walls of their office? I don’t know. We need to keep raising money, and I really wanted to do something that involved the kids and anyone else who comes to the centre. It was really just the first idea I had; I hadn’t given it much more thought.”
“Well, because it’s not just some random kids’ art. It would be a piece that displayed exactly what The Lighthouse does for the community. And the idea of auctioning them off to other local businesses is a great way to foster and encourage that local spirit.”
Something about the way Debs was speaking, the excitement in her voice, the enthusiasm in her, the way she leaned forward into Sienna’s space, practically vibrating with every word, fanned that flame within her that gave her confidence in her ideas. It was always there, the thoughts, the ideas, but so often, it would be extinguished and dampened by her own lack of belief. Of course people had told her in the past that they weren’t worthless, that there was merit in what she was saying and doing. Max mostly. But the idea that she would amount to nothing was so deeply ingrained in her, it was a constant battle to fight.
“But really, it wouldn’t raise that much money, would it? It would probably cost more to organise than it would raise.”
Debs cocked her head, a sly smirk forming on her face. “Well, it’s a good job you’ve already convinced one of the best businesswomen in the city then. One who’s done this before and knows how to get people to donate to these things.”
“What do you mean?”
“The centre’s artwork could be the main event, but we could get local businesses to donate other things, which would bring in the bigger money. Time, services, goods, etcetera.”
“No, people wouldn’t do that…would they?”
“Yes!”
Sienna smiled, daring to think that this was something that could actually happen as Debs excitedly scooted closer to her, their knees brushing together with the proximity.
“Trust me, local businesses want to be seen investing in the community. A place like The Lighthouse is the perfect way to do that for them. You saw how many people turned up to the opening—they wanted to be seen supporting something. All you need to do is keep that support going.”
“But how would I do that?”
“I told you, that’s where I come in.” Debs gave her another smile, one which lit up her crystal blue eyes to the point where Sienna almost got lost in them.
“Wait, but why would you want to do that? I mean, you have enough to do.”
“Are you kidding? I would love to help…I mean, if you didn’t mind?” Debs suddenly became uncharacteristically uncertain, leaning back a little out of Sienna’s orbit. Sienna instantly missed her presence, watching as Debs almost withdrew along with her over-enthusiastic offer which was given just moments before.
“No.” Sienna’s hand shot out, this time initiating contact between them as she held onto Debs’ wrist, almost as if she was afraid she was about to disappear forever. “No, I would love that.”
“You would?” Debs asked quietly.
“I would. I honestly have no idea where to start. You heard me a minute ago; I wasn’t even sure it was a good idea. I just…you’ve already helped me so much, I don’t want to seem like I’m taking advantage.”
Debs’ face softened as if she was suddenly having a realisation about Sienna. It made her feel more seen and exposed than she had done in years, as if someone finally understood everything, and the fear that bubbled up inside her was almost enough to consume her, to pull back and retract everything she had just said. But instead, Debs moved her arm, looking down as she flipped her hand over and wrapped it around Sienna’s own fingers, which were still gripped around her wrist.
“I would love to help you. To do this together. But you would have to promise me one thing, though.”
“What?”
“Every idea you have, you tell me. Don’t be afraid it’s not worth telling me, and don’t worry it’s worthless. You’re the brains behind this; I’m just here to do the heavy lifting and rope in the people. This…this is your baby.”
“Oh.” Sienna was dumbstruck. She swallowed hard, unable to form any words in response as she swam in the unfamiliar sensation of having someone have faith in her. Sure, it had happened before, Liz had given her a job, but it was something she had worked for, something she had applied herself to. Something she still doubted even to this day. But for someone to have such unwavering confidence in her? It was new territory, and she was unsure what to do with the feeling.
Debs’ eyes, those azure pools, which had shown such a range of emotions and had offered Sienna so much in just one short evening, were fixed on her, now shimmering with an untold belief that Sienna had never truly experienced before, pushed through her walls and she almost felt them crumble.
“I mean it, Sienna. This is all you. You tell me what you need, and I will do my hardest to make it happen.”
A promise like that could be dangerous , thought Sienna, but instead she pushed it all down. All the fear, the uncertainty, the almost overwhelming desire to run away and hide from those eyes which apparently saw so much. The feeling as Debs’ thumb brushed softly over the back of her hand, silently willing her to take the leap.
“Okay,” she heard herself say. “Okay, let’s do this.”