Chapter Thirty-Five
T he soft knock on her office door drew her barely there attention. She hadn’t had much of a focus for the past week and a half, her head filled with warring thoughts of Debs and Penny, guilt eating at her for even allowing herself to think of either for too long. She shouldn’t be feeling like this, like this huge gaping hole had opened up in her chest. She was trying her best to hide it, to push it down and bury it deep for the sake of just getting through the day, but then she would get home, her apartment cold and stark even in the summer sun, and cry. Sob uncontrollably until there were no more tears to shed. She wasn’t even sure what she was crying for anymore. She could feel them sting the back of her eyes even now, ready to fall at any moment.
She hastily rubbed her hands across her face, sniffing back her emotions.
“Come in.” The door creaked open, and Sienna was shocked to see Charlie standing there. “Charlie. Is everything okay?”
He nodded, but Sienna couldn’t help but note the way he fidgeted on his feet like there was something bothering him. “Yeah. You said we could come find you and talk about stuff, yeah?”
“Sure. You want to sit down?”
Charlie nodded, dropping down into the spare chair in an all-too-familiar manner of a boy who was fast approaching his teenage years.
“What’s up?”
“Nothing, really. I was just a bit bored.”
“A bit bored? Charlie, I know you pretty well, and you don’t get bored. Not here when you spend all your time playing or talking about video games. There’s no way my office is more exciting than being with your mates. So what is it?”
“I don’t know. Bobby was talking about Zizi and Auntie Grace’s wedding, and I’m super happy for them…but it also kind of makes me a bit sad.”
“Because of your mum and dad?” Sienna asked as she picked up the heavy ceramic cookie jar in the shape of a cat. Her heart panged in her chest at the realisation that it was a gift from Debs, the memory of her showing up with it because it looked adorably like Steve and knowing about Sienna’s secret biscuit stash she kept in her bottom drawer in the office. “Want a biscuit?”
“Yeah, I guess. But more because of my mum. I mean, it doesn’t bother me. Auntie Grace used to be married to a man, although Mum calls him a sorry excuse for air who should have his balls cut off,” Charlie commented flippantly as his hand dug into the jar and pulled out a biscuit.
Sienna choked back a lungful of air, unsurprised to hear Debs’ opinion, although a little shocked that it came via Charlie.
“From what your mum’s told me, he wasn’t the best person. But let’s not use those words in front of the other kids, yeah?”
“Yeah, ’course. Mum tells me there’s a right place to say these things.”
“Your mum’s right. So what’s bothering you about the wedding?”
“It’s not about the wedding. Just…well, Mica has Grace now, and Dad’s got a new girlfriend, but Mum…”
Sienna’s heart broke, knowing what Charlie was getting at.
“You want her to have someone too? For her to be happy?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Yeah, I understand that.” More than you think, kid.
“And she was happy for a bit. But then I’m guessing you broke up because she’s been really sad recently, and she doesn’t want to come here anymore.”
Sienna froze. Surely, she couldn’t have heard Charlie correctly. Because there’s no way he could… But then the comment about Grace being married to a man before…
“Charlie.”
“When you were going out together, she was smiling all the time.”
“Charlie, I don’t know what—”
“I saw you. I came to find Mum and when she wasn’t around outside, I came here because I knew she hung out with you while we were busy.”
“And what did you see?”
“You were kissing.”
“Charlie—”
“It’s fine. Like, I don’t care. Mum’s always saying about liking people for who they are and not caring if they’re a girl or a boy.”
Sienna closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and resigning herself to the fact that she wasn’t going to be able to explain herself out of this one. They’d always thought they’d been careful, and now with there being absolutely no other explanation for what Charlie had seen, it was time to just face the music. But really, she wasn’t the person who needed to have this conversation with Charlie.
“Your mum says some very wise things.”
“What’s your mum like?”
“Oh.” Those tears which had been teetering on the edge throughout the entire conversation were close to falling again, and Sienna swallowed back the lumping her throat. “My mum is…not like yours.”
“Doesn’t she like you being gay? Zizi doesn’t speak to their parents because they don’t like it, which just seems stupid.”
Sienna let out a wet laugh, seeing more of Debs in Charlie in these past few minutes than ever before.
“She doesn’t mind. It’s not been a problem.” It was only a half truth. While her mother never expressly had an issue with Sienna’s sexuality, she was fairly certain that it was one of the things in the long list of disappointments which Penny had against her. “But your mum? Your mum’s great.”
“I guess she’s pretty cool. Even though she also tells me to be nice to Thea, even when she’s being annoying.”
Sienna laughed. “Sisters can be like that. My sister used to wind me up all the time.”
“What’s her name?” Charlie asked. The innocence in the question forced another wave of emotion through Sienna, Charlie’s child-like curiosity refreshing. He didn’t even realise the weight his simple question carried.
She cleared her throat, willing her voice to not give out on her.
“Cerys,” she said softly.
“Hey! Did you two have fun?”
“Yeah, Auntie Grace and I did painting again,” Thea sing-songed before flopping down on the floor, instantly being pounced on by an excitable Steve. Debs watched for a second, and Thea tickled his outstretched tummy, the kitten playing trying to catch her hand with his tiny paws.
“What about you, Charlie?”
“Yeah, it was cool.” He shrugged before trudging up the stairs, Debs guessed to his bedroom. A pang of sadness went through her at the fact he was growing ever closer to the age where he would spend most of his time up there, the inevitable teenage years hitting sooner than she would have liked.
Her phone buzzed from where it sat on the arm of the sofa and she wandered over to it, expecting a message from Mica or Grace telling her one of the kids had left something in their car. She was already mid-eye roll and running through a mental list of what it could be when she saw the name on the screen.
Her heart pounded in her chest, stomach rolling in an unprecedented mix of anxiety and anticipation. She’d barely heard from Sienna in two weeks, and while she hated to believe it, she was starting to think she would never hear from her again.
You need to talk to Charlie.
Panic shot through her at those words.
Is something wrong? xx
He’s fine. But he knows about us.
What do you mean? xx
Talk to Charlie. He’s a good kid who just loves his mum x
She tried to ignore the flutter of hope in her chest at the single kiss which signed off Sienna’s final message, instead focussing on the fact that something could be going on with Charlie. She wondered if Charlie had confronted Sienna, angry that his mother had been dating or even that she had been dating a woman. It seemed unlikely, given how open and accepting Charlie and Thea were, but she was also aware that when it came to children and their parents, it didn’t always follow the rules of anyone else.
“Hey, I’m just going to check on your brother, okay?” Debs said, only getting a mumble in reply as she left Thea playing with Steve.
Debs made her way up the stairs slowly, trying to take measured steps and think through the conversation she could possibly have with her son. Sienna didn’t seem upset or mad in her message, but she wasn’t exactly warm either. But then, Debs reasoned, why should she be? The last time they had spoken, they argued, both throwing words fuelled with frustration. She was grateful Sienna had even texted her at all, although she hoped that Sienna’s cool tone and Charlie’s disappearance weren’t related.
She wondered if something could have been said to upset him, but that wouldn’t be how Sienna would handle this. One of her strongest and greatest assets was how she spoke and treated the children, showed them respect and compassion, and Debs highly doubted that it would be any different with Charlie. Maybe Charlie was the one to get angry, if what Sienna had said in her message was true. Maybe it was Charlie who had confronted Sienna, fired by his childish thoughts and still developing emotions.
She reached his door, taking a deep inhale as she knocked, always announcing herself even when the door was open.
“Yeah?”
“Hey. So how was the centre today?” Debs asked, trying to sound casual in her questioning, despite the swirling whirl of emotions in her gut.
Charlie shrugged, his eyes focussed on his console in his hands. “Okay.”
“Did you have a nice time with Bobby?”
“Yeah. It was okay. But then he and Mica started talking about the wedding again, and I got bored, so I went and hung out with Sienna for a bit.”
“Sienna? That’s nice.”
She cringed at her own use of the word, almost tasting the bitter sting of being so nondescript and predictable in her reply.
“Yeah. She’s cool. She let me hang out in the office with her.”
“What did you do?”
“Just chatted about stuff,” he said with another shrug, eyes still focussed on whatever game he was playing.
“Charlie.”
“Mmhmm.”
“Sienna texted me. She said you mentioned… You said something.”
His eyes flicked up to Debs, worry etched on his forehead. It wasn’t what she was expecting, and she wondered what had caused the concern she saw in those blue eyes.
“Is she okay? Because she said she was cool about speaking about her. She got a bit upset, and I said we could stop—”
“What? She told me you knew, Charlie. About me and her.”
“Oh. That,” he said, a pink blush creeping over his cheeks.
“How did you find out?”
“I came to find you one day and saw you kissing her in the office.”
“Darling, why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because you were happy, and I liked seeing you happy. After you and Dad broke up, you weren’t the same.”
Debs laughed, tears staining the sound. She lowered herself down on the bed, plucking the Nintendo out of his hands. “I thought you were mad at me.”
“Why?”
“Because your dad moved out, and you two were always together. I thought you were mad it was him who left while you had to stay here with me. You spent so much time at Zizi’s, I thought you didn’t want to be here with me.”
“I mean, it sucked. And I miss him sometimes. But it was also cool after a while, having two houses, and we still get to do all the stuff we used to do before. And Zizi has always been cooler than you.”
Debs playfully shoved Charlie’s leg, grinning at the banter between them even if it was at her expense. “So, what do you really think about Sienna and me?”
It was a moot point in some respect. Sienna’s lack of contact over the past couple of weeks was telling, but there was a small part of her that still hoped for more. Hoped for a reconciliation, hoped for them to resolve their differences, to talk it through like they always had and go back to the way they were before. She didn’t think she would ever give that up, however fruitless it was.
And then she had texted this afternoon.
“It’s fine.”
“It doesn’t bother you at all? You don’t have any questions?”
“No. I mean, I see Zizi and Auntie Grace together all the time.”
“I know, but it would be okay if you felt a little different. I’m your mum, and it might be weird to think of me with anyone who’s not your dad. And I wasn’t expecting to fall in love with a woman. So it’s fine if it’s a little harder for you to accept.”
“Sienna’s great. I mean, she’s funny and easy to talk to. She doesn’t treat me like a baby, like I’m a little kid—”
“You’re my baby,” Debs said, ruffling his hair and kissing him.
“Eww, Mum!”
“So, we’re okay?” she said with a laugh.
“Yeah. But…well, you’ve been sad. Does that mean you and Sienna aren’t going out anymore?”
Debs sighed. “It’s complicated.”
“But you still like her, right?”
“Very, very much.”
Charlie flopped back on the bed, picking up his Nintendo again. “I think she’s sad too. I think she misses her sister, and you made it a bit better.”
“Misses her sister? You talked about Cerys?” The pang of envy at Sienna opening up to her son was sharp, but she pushed it down, reminding herself that Sienna could tell anyone she wanted anything about her life. And really, the fact she was opening up to her son, to talk through his worries and concerns, to make him feel safe and secure, was far more important than anything else. To know Sienna still cared enough about Charlie to do such a thing, the cold, jealous feeling soon melted into something warmer.
“Yeah. She was telling me how annoying her sister used to be, just like Thea is. But now that she’s gone, she even misses that.”
“Well, where is she? I’m sure she could visit her soon.”
Charlie looked at her with a confused expression, and Debs wondered why the simple question was seemingly so difficult.
“Mum, how’s she going to do that when Cerys is dead?”