47. Sienna
SIENNA
Ten minutes later, Calvin has set up the most romantic picnic spot. I snuggle beside him on the blanket he laid on the ground before dropping a few cushions and other blankets to keep us warm.
Of all the things I’ve considered for this date, this wasn’t one of them.
“I hope you’re still hungry,” he says before lifting a lid on what I thought was a cool box. But it quickly becomes obvious that it isn’t keeping anything cold; instead, it’s keeping our dinner warm.
“Oh wow. Did you cook that?”
“Uh…no. I actually ordered it and picked it up before getting you.”
“It smells incredible.”
“Lamb shank in a rich gravy, smashed potatoes and greens,” he explains as he hands the container over. “Hopefully, it’ll help keep you warm.”
“Oh my god.” I groan when I take my first bite. The lamb falls apart, and the gravy…
“Good?”
“So good,” I mumble, unable to stop myself from diving back in despite the fact I know he’s watching.
It’s so dark out, it’s hard to see anything. I’m sure if we were here during the day, the view would be incredible, but I can barely see past the edge of the blanket.
The reason we’re here is obvious, though. It has nothing to do with the view before us, and everything to do with the one above us.
Thoughts of the tattoo he’s got on his thigh cycle through my head, although with my own very limited experience with stargazing, I recognized it instantly.
I only did it one summer. It was pretty much the only time in my life when everything was calm enough to do so. We never had another vacation like that one again. I was desperate to go back and do it all over again, but also terrified that if we did, everything would be different.
It wasn’t the place I fell in love with that summer, but someone. The thought of going to find him and discover that things had changed petrified me. So I allowed myself to store memories of that summer away to think about later, but times got hard.
It was my fault we lost touch. I got swallowed up into middle school, and life got busy.
I’ll forever regret not keeping up with our letters.
The boy from that summer understood me in a way I’d never experienced before.
My naive, preteen heart liked to think that we’d found the boy we were meant to spend the rest of our lives with.
But that’s crazy. Life only works like that in romance novels and movies.
“Do you come out here often?” I ask as we eat.
“As much as I can. Life as a professional athlete can get a little overwhelming at times. Sometimes, I…” His words trail off, and I look up from my dinner to focus on him.
The moon is tucked behind one big tree behind us, casting some of his face in shadow. I might not be able to see his expression all that well, but there’s something in it that makes my breath catch.
“Sometimes I need to get away from it all, remember quieter times.”
Ripping my attention from him, I look up, my eyes searching the stars that are twinkling above us, trying to find anything familiar. But it’s been over fifteen years, and I’ve forgotten almost everything I was taught that summer.
“This is your happy place?”
“Uh…yeah. I guess so.”
I smile around my fork. I love learning new things about him that no one else knows.
“What’s yours?”
“Um…” There’s only one place that ever comes to mind, and that’s the ranch from that summer. It was the happiest time of my life. “I don’t really have a place. It’s more the people I’m surrounded by.”
“Your family must be pretty special.”
“They are. I’m sorry yours isn’t.”
He sighs heavily. “I have memories of a time when they were. But I think knowing that only makes it hurt worse.”
“Do you think they’ll ever come around to the fact that this is your life?”
“No,” he says sadly.
We continue eating in silence with only the sound of owls in the distance and rustling trees above us.
“Lie with me,” he eventually says once we’ve both finished eating.
Unable to argue, I shuffle closer, and, after covering our legs with a blanket, we lie down together and stare up at the sky.
A kind of calmness I’d almost forgotten existed rushes through me.
“Do you know what we’re looking at?” My voice floats off into the night, but Calvin doesn’t respond.
Pushing up onto my elbow, I look down at him to find his eyes closed.
“Calvin?”
He inhales before his eyes flicker open.
My breath catches as his gaze locks on me. His hand lifts before he gently caresses my cheek. He touches me as if I’m not real, like I’m not really here with him.
I search his eyes, desperate to understand what’s going on inside his head, but I can’t figure it out unless he tells me.
His lips part, and I hold my breath, waiting to listen to what’s bothering him. But when words come, they’re not what I want to hear.
“Lie back,” he says softly.
Unable to do anything but what he asks, I slowly lay myself back down and look up at the stars above us.
It takes a few seconds, but eventually, his deep voice fills the silence again.
“Can you see that over there?” he whispers, pointing east.
I search, unsure what I’m looking for.
“Can you see the square?”
“Uh…” My eyes dart around, desperately seeking what he can see, my heart racing as memories of doing this before flood my mind.
“Yeah,” I finally reply. “I’ve got it.”
“That’s the Great Square of Pegasus. And over there,” he says, pointing higher. “You can see Cassiopeia. It looks like an M.”
I nod, despite the fact that he’s not looking at me.
He talks me through a few more constellations glittering above us as familiarity continues to flood my veins.
“When did you learn all this?” I ask, eager to soak up a little bit more about this enigma of a man beside me.
He pauses, as if he needs to think about his answer.
“I’ve been interested in astronomy since I was a teenager.”
My heart pounds steadily in my chest as crazy, wild thoughts begin racing through my head.
“You said you grew up in Texas,” I say, forcing the words past the lump in my throat.
There’s no way. No freaking way.
But as we lie here, things keep coming back to me. Things I’ve missed, or connections I haven’t made.
“Yeah. We lived in the middle of nowhere. Every night, it was nothing but the darkest of skies.”
“What was your town called?”
“It’s…it’s…uh…M-Melville.”
I sit bolt upright.
“Oh my god. I’ve been there,” I cry a little too loudly. Behind us, a bird flutters in the tree in fright.
But despite my shock, Calvin remains lying on the blanket, watching me with a wary expression.
“What is it? What’s wrong?”
He pushes himself to sit up, his eyes not once leaving mine as he finds my hands, squeezing them gently.
“Sienna.” His accent is thicker with that one word, and I’m immediately transported back to that summer.
Suddenly, I’m twelve again, living the best two weeks of my life with the most incredible boy at my side.
“Calvin?” I whisper, and his eyes close as if it’s painful to hear it.
But then a thought hits me, and I swear, my heart stops.
“V-Vinny?”
A choked noise erupts from his throat, and when he reopens his eyes, I see it.
“Oh my god. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,” I cry, jumping to my feet, pacing back and forth in front of the blanket as I try to process this information.
How?
After all these years.
Why didn’t I figure it out sooner?
How didn’t I realize?
And then it all comes crashing down and I freeze, my eyes locked on the man still sitting on the blanket, staring up at me with fear in his eyes.
Suddenly, everything makes sense.
“You already knew,” I state. It isn’t a question. It doesn’t need to be. The answer is staring me right in the face.
All this time. He knew.
He knew, and he never told me.
“Sienna,” he starts, the deep rasp of his voice that usually soothes me suddenly having a very different impact.
I curl my fists in an attempt to stop them from trembling as the shock turns to anger.
“No, don’t ‘Sienna’ me. You knew? You knew all this time and you didn’t think to say anything?”
He swallows nervously.
“I didn’t…” He pauses again, looking at me with so much longing it’s almost enough to make me forget. Almost. “I didn’t mean to. That first night we met, I thought you’d take one look at me like I did you and know. I thought you’d remember me.” Pain flickers through his eyes.
I think back to the night in question. It was my birthday, and we’d gone out to watch a game. Then we stalked the team after and followed them to a club. It was the night Bea got pregnant. The night I got to dance with hockey players. The night I got to meet some of the men I’ve followed for years.
“B-but, you’re Calvin Keller.”
Finally, he pushes to his feet, pulls his beanie from his head, and drags his fingers through his hair.
“You didn’t recognize me, and…and it wasn’t the time or place to bring it up.”
“And then what about all the times since?” I ask, thinking of the evenings we’ve spent together, the nights we’ve been apart, messaging constantly. “What was wrong with any of those times?”
He shakes his head, his eyes holding mine, silently begging for me to understand. “I—”
“You what, Calvin? You been lying to me for weeks. No. Months. That was months ago. And not once did you think you should maybe mention that we already know each other?” Hurt lashes at my insides.
I thought…I thought we were being open and honest with each other.
I thought. Fuck. I thought that maybe this was it.
“I wanted to.”
Fire shoots through me.
“That’s not good enough,” I snap.
He drags his hand down his face. “I know. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He takes a step forward, and I instantly take one back.
“Shit,” he hisses.
“I can’t believe this. I thought…I was falling in…”
His expression falls as my words trail off. Seeing his regret doesn’t make any of this okay.
“Sienna, darlin’.”
I hold my hand up, stopping him from moving closer as that single word wraps around me.
Darlin’.
I close my eyes, remembering the few times that twelve-year-old boy called me that.
How didn’t I realize?
Shame and embarrassment roll through me.
For years, he’s been Calvin Keller, the fuckboy hockey player whose photo has been slashed all over the media. Even if I suspected, I never would have believed he was the boy I met that summer at his family’s ranch.
The Smythsons’ Ranch.
“I-I can’t do this,” I say, turning my back on him.
“Sienna, please. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
I take a few steps forward, fighting the tears that are burning the backs of my eyes, before glancing back.
“I can’t do this.”