Chapter 12
Twelve
FEIGRIND
S imon went quiet after our discussion. It wasn’t like him. Ever since he’d come clean about understanding our language, he never failed to say something to let me know how he felt about being here. I thought I’d be happy when he finally went quiet, but it bothered me. He wasn’t a quiet or submissive man. It didn’t suit him.
I decided to give Simon space to think. I trusted that he wouldn’t run by now. He’d made it clear he understood the risk and didn’t deem it worth it. He wanted me to bring him home, and because I wouldn’t do that, he wasn’t going anywhere. Most of the time, this was when I started letting tributes meet others in the clan. He understood our words, and he was no longer at risk of running. This was when he would meet someone else and move on.
But I couldn’t do it.
The thought of letting him go, of another tribute tossing me aside, was abhorrent. I couldn’t keep him; I knew this. I wasn’t what he needed. He’d said more than once that he was used to frequent sex. He wouldn’t be happy with me if I made him celibate just so I wouldn’t be alone. But I wasn’t ready to let him go yet.
“I will be back. It is not safe to leave so?—”
“I know that!” he snapped, glaring at me. I expected more, wished for it even, but he went quiet again, pulling the furs over his head petulantly. My chest ached at the dismissal, and I ducked out to go check on Maman. The foul weather sometimes hurt her bones. I didn’t want her in pain and alone.
The rain was harsh and sharp, like ice. I was soaked by the time I ducked into Maman’s tent. She wasn’t resting like I hoped, instead playing with her clay while she hummed to herself, but she didn’t look to be in pain. She glanced up at me when I entered and shook her head with a sigh.
“You are asking for illness, son of mine. I do not need your constant hovering.”
“No,” I agreed, moving to sit by the fire. Not all tents had the space for fires so large like she had, but my father had built this tent for her so that she could always fire her pots no matter the weather. It was larger than other tents, and a pain in the ass to take down when we eventually moved on, but I liked that she could keep doing what made her happy, no matter the weather.
“Where is Simon?” she asked, her eyes sharp on me.
“I gave him time to think. He is… quiet lately.”
Her brows furrowed, pulling at the wrinkles on her face. “Do you think he will run again?”
I shook my head. “No. He says he understands the risk, and I believe him. He is angry with me, I think, for making him question his freedom at home.”
She huffed out a laugh, turning back to her work. “All tributes feel this way. He will get over it.”
True, and I’d experienced the reaction in the past, but it felt different for Simon. I thought he’d never stop fighting. It bothered me that he did.
“His reaction is not new. Yours is. Why are you making that face?”
I wiped away the emotion on my face, pulling off my tunic so that I could wring it out. I ignored the annoyed suck of her teeth when I wrung it out on the dirt floor. At least I didn’t do it over one of the carpets.
“Have you eaten yet today? I can fetch something for you,” I offered without looking at her. It was easier to mask my emotions if I didn't make eye contact. She knew me well enough to see through me.
I heard her rise, and I had no choice but to look up when she moved to stand over me. She stood with her hands in fists on her hips, her scowl as familiar to me as her smile. One day, she would stop fighting, too. It broke my heart to even consider it.
“Stop that!” she snapped. “You are being dreary. Explain yourself.”
I shook my head. “There is nothing to explain. I—Ow!”
She stopped my excuse-making by pulling my hair, which was beyond childish. I leaned away from her, rubbing at the sore spot.
“What was that for?”
“That’s what you get for lying to your mother. You have had tributes before. They all act this way eventually. Why is Simon’s reaction affecting you so?”
Pressing my lips together, I refused to answer. I didn’t want to admit it out loud. It was selfish to want to keep him merely so I wouldn’t be alone anymore. Simon deserved better.
“You want him,” she said suddenly, like she could read my thoughts. I didn’t like it when she did that. It irked me.
“I don’t. I have no interest in?—”
She raised her hand threateningly towards my hair. “Lie to me again. I dare you.”
With a growl, I forced myself to my feet. At least standing, I was taller than her. It made my hair harder to reach.
“What do you wish me to say?” I demanded, frustrated. I’d come here for comfort. I should have known better.
“The truth,” she suggested, like I was being purposely stupid.
I glared at her. She crossed her arms and glared right back. We stood there wordlessly for a while until I finally caved and threw my hands into the air.
“I am not what he needs! I know this. But I cannot stomach letting him go. I don’t wish to be alone anymore.”
Her glower softened a little, and she sighed, shaking her head. “I know. I see the pain in your eyes when your tributes choose another. However, you are lying to yourself. You are what Simon needs. He needs your strength to deal with his attitude, but also your softness to ease his pain. You still have a chance to keep him. You just need to pull your head out of your ass.”
I shot her a dirty look, but she was unfazed. I’d gained my patience from my father. My stubbornness was a gift from her.
“I’m not—” She raised an eyebrow, and I sighed, trying again. “I have never been with a male. I had no wish to. I don’t know how to keep him happy.”
“I’m sure there are others who will explain it to you.”
“Yes, and ridicule me at the same time,” I grumbled.
I trusted my brothers with my life, but there weren’t many who I would be willing to discuss such a delicate topic with. Had he still been alive, it was my father who I would have turned to for advice.
Again, it was like she read my thoughts. I appreciated it this time when Maman put her hand on my arm, rubbing it soothingly. “He would have been happy to explain things. I’m sorry he is not here to do so.”
My chest ached when I thought of my father. His loss cut me deeply. I still mourned him, even so many years later. Maman, too, though she’d never admit it. He was her other half. She was heartbroken when he passed.
“So what do I do?” I asked, defeated.
“Speak with the scribe,” she suggested. “He has a tender heart. He will answer your questions without teasing. And speak with Simon. Given his life before he arrived here, I’m sure he’s experienced enough for the both of you.”
Based on the noises coming out of Rath’s tent, it wasn’t a good time to ask to speak with his bondmate. I left them alone and headed back to mine, only to find it empty. My heart stuttered, and I feared for a moment that Simon had run again, but he poked me in the side to get me out of his way as he came in behind me.
“Move. I’m getting drenched.”
Stepping aside, I allowed him to pass. He was at least smart enough to bring a cloak to protect himself, so he was drier than I was. He didn’t look pleased, though, and he was shivering when he crawled back into bed.
Worry coursed through me, and I quickly stripped out of my wet clothes, pulling on dry legwear before joining him in bed. He was surrounded by furs, with only his face poking out, and he looked so very unhappy. I hated that.
“Can I help you?” I asked, not wanting to touch without his permission. He was right, he’d had enough choices taken from him.
“How?” he demanded, glaring up at me. “Are you going to bring me home?”
I shook my head, not reacting to his baiting, instead opening my arms to him. “I can warm you up.”
He frowned at me, glancing at my open arms and then back to my face almost suspiciously. I waited patiently, and he eventually wiggled forward, bringing the furs with him as he settled into my arms.
“Why are you so warm?” he complained. “You were outside longer than me, but it’s like you were unaffected by this awful weather!”
I hummed, resting my cheek on top of his head. The color was starting to come out, showing the pale blonde underneath. It was pretty, but I liked the petal color more.
“It’s our blood. We all run warm.”
He grumbled under his breath, snuggling closer, and I bit back a smile. This was something I always hoped for. It took work not to let myself get carried away. I still didn’t know if we were compatible in all aspects. I didn’t know how to ask to try. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to.
He shoved aside a few furs to get closer to me, and I got a better feel of his body pressed against mine. He wasn’t muscled, like my brothers. He was soft and slim. He had no beard, even after a week, and his blue-brown eyes were captivating. He was beautiful, and my body reacted without my say so. And Simon was not polite enough to pretend he didn’t notice.
“For someone not interested in males, you seem really happy to see me,” he teased, his voice a low purr that drew a shiver from me. I didn’t understand my reaction to him. I’d never reacted to any other male like that before, but I chose not to question it.
“You are not like other males,” I murmured, running my knuckles along his soft cheek. His eyes fluttered a little at the caress, and he leaned into me even more. I wanted to gather him closer, plaster him against me, but I wasn’t sure he’d want that.
“I am a male, though,” he said, punctuating his point by pushing his hips against mine. I felt his arousal, and while I was unused to it, I wasn’t turned off. I liked the very obvious way his body showed his interest. I didn’t have to question what his looks meant.
I hummed instead of answering, since I still didn’t know what to say. I ran my fingers along his jaw and brushed my thumb over his bottom lip, my gaze locked on his mouth. His lips parted on a quick intake of breath, and his eyes became heavy-lidded. I wondered what he’d taste like. Would it be so different?
Simon’s teeth sank into his bottom lip, and my cock twitched. Why was that so sexy?
He chuckled, low and throaty, and pushed lightly on my shoulder. I went willingly; if he wanted space, then I would not force him, but he came with me, straddling my hips and hovering over me with his hands planted on either side of my head.
“I should warn you. Every curious man who’s crawled into my bed never wanted to leave it in the end. Are you sure you’re willing to play this game with me?”
My lip twitched against a scowl. I did not wish to hear about those other men. I was under no illusion that he was untouched. I had my own experience with lovemaking. But I preferred not to think about it. Right now, I wanted his sole focus to be on me.
“Promise me you won’t mention that again, and I’ll let you do as you wish.”
His eyebrows jumped a little, and a slow, smug grin overtook his face. “Alright, big guy. You want the shy, innocent virgin, I can give you that.”
I frowned, capturing his hips before he could pull away. “That isn’t what I meant.”
He paused, studying me with a frown. “What? What did you mean, then?”
Sliding my hands up his back, I drew him closer and twisted, putting him beneath me. I stroked my fingers gently through the hair at his temples, taking in his beauty.
“I do not wish to pretend you are anyone other than yourself. I just don’t want you thinking of anyone but me,” I admitted softly.
Understanding flashed across his face, and he wrinkled his nose. “Have you seen yourself? Do you really think I’d be thinking of anyone else? I’d have to be blind to?—”
I cut him off by slamming my lips against his. I was glad I wasn’t the only one feeling desire. I was sure Simon had been with men much more handsome than me, but even if he was pretending, it felt better to be told he wanted me as much as I wanted him.