19. Sheri
19
SHERI
I watch Leila search for the right words and brace for what’s to come.
“Before I say anything, I need you to tell me. Do you love him?”
“Ace?”
Leila gives me a “well duh” look. “Yes, Ace.”
“Yeah, I do. More than I thought possible after I lost Mav,” I reply without hesitation.
“You know that out of the entire team, I was closest to Mav and Ace, right?”
“Ye-es...,” I reply, confused at her sudden change of tack.
“I got to know them pretty well, but because Ace was single, he was able to spend more time hanging out, and I really got to know the man’s heart. And it’s a beautiful one. Apart from the fact that he’s a good man, decent man, who loves with his whole heart.” And there it is. The set up to what I’m sure is going to be a huge crying fest. I can just feel it.
“I know tha?—”
“Babe, no you don’t. Because if you did, you’d know that Ace would lay his life down for you. That man would die for you. And your boys, for that matter. The two of you have been an item for some time now, and I saw more in one conversation than you’ve apparently seen this entire time.
“You are shredding that man’s heart with your insecurities. Granted, they’re based on past experience — I’ll give you that — but I’m telling you, they are unfounded. The guys, including — especially — Kyle, know that their actions were devastating, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they would never do that again.”
“But what if they did?” I whisper, my heart conflicted.
“Sheri, you are one of the strongest people I have ever met. I don’t understand where this insecurity is coming from. Those men love and adore you. They’ve stood by you through all the hell you experienced. Why on earth would you think they’d turn their back on you now?”
“They did it to you.”
“Yes, because we were young and stupid and, apparently, didn’t know better back then. I’m telling you, they won’t do that to you now.”
Leila’s right. I am a strong woman. My mama raised me to be one. But there have been times, over the past five years, that I’d rather not have had to be. Yet when it comes to even the tiniest possibility that I could lose the love and support of these men, no matter how far-fetched it sounds, I can’t find the strength to open myself to that.
“So here it is, babe,” Leila says into the silence. “Tough love. It’s going to hurt hearing what I have to say, and I’m sorry for that. But it has to be said, because apparently you can’t see what you’re doing.” She pauses, almost as if she’s mentally preparing for what’s to come.
“You are hurting Ace. In fact, you’re ripping him apart inside. What you’ve done these past few days has cracked that man wide open and left him a bloody mess on the floor, metaphorically speaking. If you love him as much as you say you do, you wouldn’t do that to him.” Fuck me. Talk about ripping the Band-Aid off.
I can almost feel that blood drain from my face. My head. Abruptly, I feel lightheaded and nauseous, and it feels like my own heart has cracked open. Leila wasn’t kidding when she said it was going to hurt.
A soft touch on my arm has me looking down. I see her hand on my forearm as if from a long distance, and an unpleasant ringing takes up residence in my ears.
“Sher?” The concern in Leila’s voice is clear to hear, despite the ringing, but I can’t seem to make myself answer her. “Babe?” I feel her hand tighten on my arm. “Sherilynn.”
With the greatest of effort, I lift my gaze from her hand to her face and the concern there.
“Shit,” I hear her say. “Sherilynn Maeve Henderson, don’t you dare pass out on me.”
I shake my head. “Won’t.”
“Okay then.” She pats my arm. “Sit tight. I’m going to get you some water.”
Returning with the glass, Lee holds it out to me. I take a sip and then another, and suddenly I’m parched. I drink it all down and then hand the glass back to her.
“Sorry, I ...” I stare at her. “Wow, you — er ... You weren’t kidding. That hit the bull’s-eye. Right square in the solar plexus. Or, as the kids would say, right in the feels.”
Since we’re opening up and being brutally honest, more words hover on the tip of my tongue, itching to be spoken out loud. Only snag is, in my mind, there’s shame to admitting them. But they do need to be said if I’m ever going to move past them.
“You know, coming out to everyone was only half the problem. And I’m ashamed to admit to this one.”
“Say it anyway. Rather out than in, where it can continue to fester.”
“The fear of losing Ace to the job lives, rent free, in the back of my mind every single day. Having already gone through it with Mav, it haunts me. With Ace getting shot on this last mission, my fear skyrocketed. Yes, he survived this time, but what about next time?”
“Sher, you can’t afford to think like that. Yes, the guys have dangerous jobs — more dangerous than most. The sad reality is, anything could happen to any one of us. One morning we could hook a foot in the sheet and hit our head getting out of bed. No one’s tomorrow is guaranteed, but that shouldn’t be a reason to cut yourself off from love.”
“Jesus, Lee, you sure know how to pack a wallop with your words. Certainly stripped all the sugar-coating there.”
“Yeah well, I learned from the best, remember?”
Leila’s referring back to the dark days of trying to survive our separate losses has me tearing up, when I would yell at her to get up, shower, eat, breathe, not give up. Bullying her into hanging in there gave me a reason to get up, shower, eat, breathe, not give up. Especially on the days I so desperately wanted to.
I was strong only because I had no other choice. My children relied on me, and it helped me get through the days to think Leila did too. Yet here I am, so uncertain and scared. Terrified of things not working out, of Ace dying and leaving me brokenhearted all over again.
“How did I get here? How did I lose my way so badly?”
“You suffered emotional trauma. I mean, academically, we understand the assignment we’ve signed up for, loving our men. But the reality is a whole different ball game. Nothing prepares you for the loss. Suddenly, your world is tossed upside down and inside out. Everything you ever knew is foreign and unfamiliar, and nothing is the same. That’s got to leave a mark.”
“I guess that’s true enough, because it’s changed me in ways I never realized until now. Between the blow of losing Maverick and then watching you suffer through everything, I didn’t understand that it broke something in me. And now I’m hurting the man I love because I never dealt with any of that stuff.”
“No, because we’re taught to sweep it in under the rug and pretend all is well with the world.”
“Oh God, Lee, how do I fix this? Can I even fix it? Maybe he’s given up and changed his mind because of my stupidity.”
“He hasn’t. I don’t think there’s anything that you can do that will change how he feels about you. But I do think it’s reaching a point where he’ll walk away to preserve his heart. If you want a future with him, you’re going to have to man up and come clean with everyone.”
“You’re right. I know you’re right, but I’m scared.”
“I know you are, honey, but isn’t it worth it so you can have a life with Ace? I mean, have you even thought about this, long term? How exactly were you planning on having a life with the man, sneaking around behind people’s backs?” Leila asks.
“Can you stop being so damn practical for a damn minute? God, you can be so annoying.” I know I sound precisely like my children did this morning, whining they didn’t want to go to school.
Leila throws her head back and laughs.
“Okay, it wasn’t that funny. In fact, it wasn’t meant to be funny at all.”
“I know, but you sound just like Luke and James when they can’t get their way or when they’re cranky and tired.”
“Thanks. Remind me why we’re friends again?” This earns me another snort. “You’re right. I hate that you are, but since you are, I best figure out how I’m going to do this.”
“I’m always here for you. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, I know it.”
“So, I got sidetracked, but the actual reason I came over was to tell you that Ace is probably being released from the hospital tomorrow. The minute I saw you though, I couldn’t prevent all the ugly emotions resurfacing, and I’m glad we’ve worked through it. All that to say, it might be a good idea to be there to take him home.”
“He’s probably organized with his mom or Shawna to come get him,” I reply.
“I don’t think so, mainly because I said I’d do it. But maybe it would be a good start if you surprised him by taking my place. Take him home and talk to him. Tell him how you really feel because, if I had to guess, I’d say you’ve not told him the whole story. Have you?”
I shake my head. “No, I haven’t. I was too ashamed to admit my feelings, my fears. So, I hid behind worrying about losing the guys if anything went south with our relationship. God bless him, that man has taken a lot of crap from me, hasn’t he?”
“Yeah, but doesn’t that tell you just how much he loves you? That he’d put up with it for so long?”
“Yes, I guess it does.” Sitting up straighter, I make my decision. “All right, Ms. Smarty Pants. What’s the plan?
Knowing Leila like I do, I knew she’d have a plan of action. She always does. And I was right. Jumping into action, I make a bunch of calls that have me sick with anxiety and shaking by the time I’m done. So, I keep telling myself it has to be done. It’s the only way that I can save my relationship with Ace, if we’re to have any kind of life together.