Chapter 17 #2
“Thank you,” she said, trying to steady her voice as her annoying insecurities reared their heads.
A part of her couldn’t help wondering if Ryan’s moms secretly saw her the way she sometimes feared she was: someone playing at being queer, and not really living it.
She was happy with Ryan, but she hadn’t yet had the kind of visibly queer relationship she’d dreamed about when she came out, and some days, that felt like a loss.
She hated how easily the doubt crept in.
And what kind of monster was she anyway, having these thoughts now of all times?
“I’m sure you know this, but he was going through a really tough time when you met,” Claire said. Her eyes flitted to Ryan’s empty chair. “We weren’t sure how he’d pull through.”
Guilt clawed at Simone’s insides. She nodded solemnly.
Paula patted her hand again. “Don’t be sad. He’s doing so much better now, thanks to you.”
Simone wasn’t sure she deserved any thanks at all.
RYAN CARESSED HER LEG ON THE drive back to his apartment. “I thought that went well, didn’t you?”
“I did, yeah.”
Ryan glanced sideways and cocked an eyebrow. “Something on your mind?”
You don’t want to know, she thought, chewing her bottom lip.
After everything he’d been through, she refused to let him down.
“Actually, there is something,” she said.
“When you were out getting pizza, Dom was saying how good it was to see you happy after everything you went through last year. And he mentioned you lost a girlfriend and a good friend at the same time.”
The corners of Ryan’s mouth wilted.
“I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “If you don’t want to talk about it—”
“It’s okay. It’s not some big secret or anything. It just makes me really fucking mad, and—” He cut himself off by clenching his teeth. She saw his jaw muscles bulging in the orange glow of the streetlights.
“We really don’t have to talk about it…”
Ryan sighed. “No, it’s probably good for me. What I was saying before: It makes me really fucking mad, and also… humiliated.” He paused, stole a sideways glance at Simone. “I told you Victoria cheated on me with a finance bro, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, that finance bro was this guy Travis. Our best friend—well, former best friend—from high school.”
“No,” she groaned.
He nodded grimly, his eyes on the road. “Victoria and I met on Hinge around four years ago, I guess? We moved in together around the two-year mark, and I guess it was a year after that when she and Travis started hooking up.”
“Did you ever suspect anything?”
“I had no idea. It never would have remotely occurred me, since a) we were living together, so I was under the impression we were both serious about each other; and b) she was doing her residency at the hospital, so she barely had time for one relationship.
“So this one night at the start of December, Dom was doing a special event at the brewery—a fundraiser for the food bank.” Now that Ryan had started the story, he seemed intent on getting it all out.
“Victoria said she couldn’t go because she had to cover a shift at the hospital for a friend who’d gotten sick.
Then, at the last minute, Travis says he can’t make it, either, ’cause he’s stuck at some client dinner that’s running late.
“Well, the next week, I’m waiting to meet Victoria near the hospital, and I randomly run into her friend—the one who’d supposedly been sick—and I ask how she’s feeling, because apparently it was bad enough that Victoria had to cover for her.”
“Let me guess,” Simone interjected. “She had no idea what the hell you were talking about.”
“Worse,” Ryan answered. “She was like, ‘Wait, what? Victoria was the one who was sick. I covered for her.’ ”
Simone clapped a hand over her open mouth.
“So then the question was: Where had Victoria actually been on the night of Dom’s fundraiser?”
She was nauseated. “How did you figure it out?”
“I just asked her, plain and simple. And she came out with it.”
“Oh, Ryan.”
He was quiet for a moment as he turned onto the side street where he parked his truck.
“In a way, what Travis did was the worst part of it. At the end of the day, I’d known Victoria for a few years, but Travis and I had been friends since we were kids.
We were a little trio in high school: me, him, and Dom.
We’d go to his family’s cottage in the summer, go skiing with Dom’s family in the winter.
We all lived together that one year I was at Queen’s, and he and Dom stayed housemates the whole way through.
” Ryan pulled up to the curb and shifted into park.
“The whole time he and Victoria were seeing each other, he was still texting me and Dom every day, like normal.”
“Oh God.”
“Yeah.”
He turned off the car, and they lapsed into silence, neither of them making a move to get out yet.
“Anyway,” he said after a moment, “thank you.”
“For what?”
“For making me feel safe enough to give this a chance.”
There was the clawing guilt again, its talons even sharper than before. “Of course,” she whispered, taking his hand. She was glad it was dark as she did her best impression of a sincere smile.